Casual/FWB Setting an "open relationship" with girl you like looking for 1:1 relationshi

[lux7]

As a disclaimer, it might actually not be possible all the times -and sometimes not even fair from your side- to try setting an open relationship.
Especially so with a more conservative girl dead set on having a one to one relationship from the beginning.

But one can try.

Quoted is my specific case, but I'm very curious about the topic in general.

BACKGROUND
I actually kinda of like the idea of a relationship with her, so I might actually prefer 1:1 than nothing.
But it all happened too quickly for comfort.
It's only 3 weeks ago we had sex for the firs time.
She was in a marriage getting sour and willing to divorce and since we first did it she now sleeps on the floor and is looking for a new accommodation.

Her situation makes it hence even less suited for moving quick, but only as I type this I realize as I never stopped to think about it.

SEX+ROMANCE
She said it was the best sex she's had, but every time it never was just sex, we also went for breakfast the day after, were holding hands, she proposed the next thing to do and I kinda of agreed to it as I actually enjoyed the idea.
And once we also just had lunch without getting physical.


HOW MANY GIRLS ARE YOU SEEING?
I believing lying doesn't make for good relationships so I never replied to that question.
But this Friday -where it was just me and her BTW- me deflecting the question was destroying the great mood and the interaction.

When she got drunk, she said she was afraid she would get her heart broken and finally admitted she doesn't want anything casual and finally replied "yes" to me asking if she was asking because she wanted to be BF and GF (maybe I shouldn't have asked?)


"THE DEAL"
So the day after I proposed a deal.
We would keep it "as it is" until the end of December (ie: no 1:1 commitment) and then we would take stock of the situation and see about next phases.
She agreed, but of course she proposed to spend Christmas together anyway .
I said yes it's a good idea, and now think I should have said "it's a a good idea, let's talk about it as it gets closer".



THE KIND OF RELATIONSHIP I'D LIKE
I think I'd like to keep it is for as long as possible as possible because it's the best period ever: the beginning and blossoming of something beautiful while still totally free, no commitment yet, the possibility of relationship in the air and both having the great feeling of the possibility of falling in love.

But that's not possible, so the second best thing would be a long period of "as it is" followed by an open relationship followed by, eventually, a 1:1.
Dumbly enough, of course I wouldn't want her to sleep around while doing "open relationship" .

YOUR THOUGHTS
I'd like to hear your thoughts.
I guess that to bend a girl's will into an open relationship you have to have a very strong frame and personality and being very high quality in several fields.
But even then, is it worth it angling for an open relationship when you actually really like the girl? And when you know she'd suffer under such an agreement?

And I'd like to hear your thoughts on the specific case quoted

 

[Franco]

Re: Setting an "open relationship" with girl you like looking for 1:1 relationsh

lucifer,

Well, what you're looking for is essentially what a LOT of men would like to have: both the girlfriend experience AND the freedom to sleep with other women. This is actually pretty difficult to set up, and even MORE difficult to maintain -- it usually has a finite lifespan with most women in the West, and it usually isn't a very long one (amidst plenty of drama and headache on your part).

The first thing you need to take note of is whether or not a woman is fit for this type of relationship. Generally, young, highly-sexual (less romantic) women are the types of girls who are open to these types of relationships (at least at first). They enjoy sex, they know they can get it when they want it, and "looking for love" isn't necessarily a priority for them... but great, discreet sex certainly is.

With that being said, it sounds like the woman you're trying to engage in an open relationship with is exactly the opposite of this; she's been married before, she's looking for love, and she's constantly trying to tie you down in a committed relationship not only through words but actions as well. So while you've managed to put things off until December, you've also probably put off the inevitable. At some point (probably sooner rather than later based on the behaviors you've mentioned), she's going to make a hard push for something committed with you or decide that she can't be with you. At that point, things can get icky if you still want a 1:1 relationship with her because suddenly you have to enter the chasing role of "okay okay, I won't do an open relationship, but let's do a committed," but she will probably start moving toward auto-rejection because (1) she doesn't think she can trust you and (2) you are suddenly giving into her frame and becoming needy rather than just knowing what you want from the get-go.

But even then, is it worth it angling for an open relationship when you actually really like the girl? And when you know she'd suffer under such an agreement?

So I'd say, generally, the answer is "no." Open relationships I think work best when you're with a girl who's great in the sack but obviously has qualities that would make you incompatible in a relationship together. That way, you don't become too attached to her and you can allow the open relationship to play out in a relaxed, casual way as long as possible with the least amount of drama.

It should also be mentioned that girls who are really "looking for love" (as it seems this woman is) are generally put through MUCH more stress when you try to organize these types of arrangements. Depending on their own will power and independence, some of them try to suffer through it for awhile until they literally can't take it anymore, which obviously is not a fun time for them. The stronger ones can usually maintain it for awhile, but if you're the most dominant man in their lives for an extended period of time, eventually emotions begin to emerge that will be hard for her to suppress.

So for this specific woman, it sounds to me like an open relationship is something that I wouldn't push for. By whatever date you agreed upon in December, I would probably make a decision to take her into a committed relationship or let her go so she can find what she's really looking for.

- Franco

 

[lux7]

Re: Setting an "open relationship" with girl you like looking for 1:1 relationsh

Thank you Franco, always a pleasure reading from you!

She was married mostly because her ex husband needed a VISA -and I guess the fact he had a super nice apartment uptown was a nice plus -.
She's also got a high sex drive but ja, I guess overall you got the picture right: more on the committed side of things and you post summed it up nicely.

Though I'm curious about one thing: you say "these kind of relationships tend not to last long in the west amidst plenty of drama and headache".
I was just reading some articles from Ricardus whom seemed to suggest these type of relationships as the best ones overall, I was wondering what do you think about it and why do you say "in the west". Where else do you think it might work better, the west seems to be the most open minded place to me right now..

 

[Franco]

Re: Setting an "open relationship" with girl you like looking for 1:1 relationsh

lucifer,

I was just reading some articles from Ricardus whom seemed to suggest these type of relationships as the best ones overall

Well, it CAN be if you are comfortable having a constant revolving door of new women in your life (every 3 months or so). When Ricardus says he lives that lifestyle, he doesn't necessarily mean that he has the same few girls coming through his door for years and years. What it means is that he's comfortable enough with meeting new women that he can "date" them for awhile until they decide that something casual with him isn't what they want anymore and then move on from his life while he continues to go out, approach, and bring new women into his circle of lovers.

Essentially, it requires you to be confident in your ability to pick up women regularly so that you can constantly be dating multiple at any given time, even as other ones leave your rotation. I believe Drexel also prefers to live this lifestyle, but he is also very comfortable with his ability to keep a constant rotation of women in his life.

I was wondering what do you think about it and why do you say "in the west". Where else do you think it might work better, the west seems to be the most open minded place to me right now..

I say this because my only experience is with women in the West, but I hear that women from other countries (Middle East/Europe/Asia) tend to be more old fashioned, and they are used to men being in power and having lots of mistresses. I wouldn't ask me for details because I don't know much more than that, but I hear it's easier to have multiple women in your life outside of the U.S.

- Franco