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How often have you heard it, how often did you hear yourself say it. I'm in a great mood today! Awesome. You have some interactions while you're out, everything's going great. You're in a great state, you're feeling great and confident. You know this isn't always the case, so better take your chances today right? Right. Always better to take your chances rather sooner than later, because once you let a chance pass it will be gone. Maybe you'll have another one, some time later, but that one chance will be gone for good, never to return. But I digress- what if you could be in that state all the time? Wouldn't that be great? Wouldn't your success rate start skyrocketing? Let's find out.
State-Control
First thing you'd need to find out is how you reach that state. What do you do to get "ready"? Especially when you're new to dating, you might do this unconciously. But pretty much everyone has some sort of ritual to get in the right mood. So on a day or night out where things go extraordinarily well, make sure to check what exactly you did to get you in that kind of mood, what exactly had to happen to make you feel that way, and then make that happen each and every time.
What is it for you? For a lot of people, it's drinking. Socializing with a group of friends, getting in a social state before going out. Intermediates might directly and intentionally go for that kind of socializing, e.g. "getting your first set done asap" - that is one of the best examples of State-Control. You conciously and actively work on getting to that desired state. Some guys blast their favorite music to get them pumping, some might go jogging, wank to some porn or try some crazy stuff that PUA guru told them like ordering a Big Mac at Burger King and nothing but outright DEMANDING to get that Big Mac, seeing how far it can go. I figure the first things I noted are by far the most common, but everyone does it a little differently, so these are just some possibilities.
Whatever it is for you, if you haven't yet, find out gets you in state and then actively and intentionally do exactly that. Also, figure out which kinds of things can keep you in state and which kinds of things happen to knock you out of state - don't worry about that though, by the end of this post we should have touched down on how you can build that inner strength it takes to have basically nothing put you out of state anymore.
Once you've got the things identified that make you feel the way you want to, and once you can freely make those things happen at your will, you can pretty much feel any way you want to feel anywhere and anytime you want to. You will come to realize that you are the only one who decides how you feel about anything. You will find out that in fact you can choose how you want to feel about something. This is freedom and independency like I have never experienced it before, and to be honest, I think it made me evolve in ways I haven't thought possible.
You see, the ability to control the state you're in, to control your feelings, is a great thing. Anyone can do it. It's society that somehow made us forgot about this fact, and I think it's time to remember. But what's even better than being able to create a state you're comfortable in?
State-Independence
The ability to feel great no matter what state you're in. Your boss fired you? Girlfriend quit you? Someone spilled your drink, you're stuck in a traffic jam? One of your close friends died, you have cancer? Alright, I know I'm taking this to extremes, but: It's your decision how you feel about any and all of those things. It's not like you, because of some sort of inherited, biological programming you have to feel sad because your girlfriend boke up. You can freely decide how you want to feel about that situation and how - and if - you are going to get along with this and keep on living an awesome life despite this. Bad things happen. What makes the difference is how you deal with it.
I happened to find that this is some powerful stuff, and this also has some downsides to it. This year, two close friends of mine passed away and I didn't feel much about it. Yes, I cried. Yes, I was sad. But that feeling stood with me for merely a few days until my state jumped into its default gear again. I felt like I didn't grieve enough, even got told (and I must say maybe righteously so) that I was seeming so distant and cold. Maybe my way to deal with this. Maybe being too independent on what causes your feelings can be a bad thing, too. But for me, currently, I feel like this is the best way to deal with it. I don't think they would've wanted me to grieve my own life away and stop living. Instead, I keep them in good memory, try to raise a drink and thought to them every now and then and make them proud in the way I live on. And if that's not salvation, I don't know what is.
But I digress, again. This is about dating, right? Let's apply this to a proper dating scenario then. Say you've met a girl at a club, say you've got the courage to finally go and chat her up, and say she's pissed for some reason completely unattached to you.
She blows you off.
Didn't go so well, huh?
Hurt your feelings a bit?
Not feeling so self-concious now, are you?
What just happened? All that state you've built the entire evening, all that nice state-control you've had going on suddenly went out the window. It's nice to be able to create any state in you, but it's not of much use when it gets blown to pieces by anything that doesn't fit your scheme. What you need is state-independence. I define this as not just being able to create whatever state you desire, but maintaining your state even in face of things that would usually disrupt your goings-on.
But how exactly do you achieve this? To be honest, currently I feel like I'm finding it quite difficult to have state-independence without either going cold on my surroundings or becoming a total arrogant prick. So I'm trying to maintain my feelings about certain things, just not taking them into account as much as I did.
I think what it boils down to is that you must, as arrogant and conceited it might sound at first, that you must above all things hold your own self-opinion. If you think what you're doing is good, if you think you're on the right track, who in the world has the right to tell you otherwise? You should consider other people's opinions, of course. Not disregard them completely. Don't let other people's opinions affect you, just take them into account. This can make a crucial and very important difference in just about any time you're in a situation where other people's judgement - or what you consider it - hinders you.
Default State
The final step to emotional freedom is changing your default state. It's the way you feel when you get up early in the morning, the way you feel when you stare out the bus window thinking about nothing, the way you feel when you're lying in bed, trying to sleep. It's like the neutral position of your internal gear box. You can shift that neutral position in any direction you desire, actively, intentionally.
Go ahead, find your position on that scale. Where are you? Where's your neutral position, where's your default state? Probably it's quite a bit on the right side, you've found your way to these forums, so I figure you're already actively creating your world to some part and not letting others dictate your feelings to some extent. But you sure can reach far beyond whre you currently are, be so much happier, ever so slightly, every day a little more. No matter how happy you are, you've got incredible room for improvement beyond anything you could imagine, no matter how accomplished you think you already are. I know I do.
But how do you accomplish this? You have to go and force yourself to do this every day. If I remember correctly, they say that it takes 21 days to make a behavior a habit. Get accustomed to being the ruler of your state and feelings. And get yourself detached from your feelings for a bit aswell. There is an idea in Zen meditation, I can't quite recall it's name or anything, but the idea is: Don't assume that you are your feelings. You are not what you feel. Don't say "I'm sad", say "I feel sadness". Don't say "I'm confused", say "I feel confusion". Don't say "I'm unsure about this", say "I feel unsure about doing this, but I know it's the right thing so I will do it anyway." It might not sound like much at first, but in fact I've done this for awhile now and I'm already feeling quite the improvement in my state-independency.
Round-Up
tl;dr?
- learn what individually makes your postive state and master achieving that exact state, actively and intentionally - IT IS POSSIBLE, ANYONE CAN DO IT
- learn to keep your state independently from all that might disrupt it
- do this conciously day-in, day-out and make it a habit. change the default state you're in, feel happy and confident no matter what
Final Notes
Alright, so I tried myself on a longer post on this topic, which to me personally I've found quite crucial when it comes to socializing and especially meeting women. I think I've got this down pretty well by now, so I thought I might just share some of my insights on this. I've got most of these ideas from all over the web, and personally tested and experienced them in the ways I described. None of this article was directly copied or written off, yet some of the verbalisations might not differ too much from the original. No plagiarism here, just trying to spread the word. One way or another, I'd like to mention Postmasculine.com for more insights on this and other topics (it's more of a selp-helf site than a dating site, with topics on self-improvement, travel, being powerful yet vulnerable, and so on) and The Art of Non-Conformity, a site with similar topics. Of course, girlschase.com. I wouldn't think I have to put a hotlink there since you should have it bookmarked already. Definetely check those sites out if you haven't already, they will change you for the better I promise.
Definetely my first longer post on this topic. I know I meandered quite a bit here and there, writing this stuff has some sort of creating an internal logic for myself aswell you know, but I tried to keep at least some sort of structure and I think you can get my point. This was some sort of free-form writing for me, I didn't spell-check for the most part and didn't reread or restructure much, so if you want to submit any corrections, feel free to do so. Also feel free to ask questions and discuss below. Thanks for reading.
How often have you heard it, how often did you hear yourself say it. I'm in a great mood today! Awesome. You have some interactions while you're out, everything's going great. You're in a great state, you're feeling great and confident. You know this isn't always the case, so better take your chances today right? Right. Always better to take your chances rather sooner than later, because once you let a chance pass it will be gone. Maybe you'll have another one, some time later, but that one chance will be gone for good, never to return. But I digress- what if you could be in that state all the time? Wouldn't that be great? Wouldn't your success rate start skyrocketing? Let's find out.
State-Control
First thing you'd need to find out is how you reach that state. What do you do to get "ready"? Especially when you're new to dating, you might do this unconciously. But pretty much everyone has some sort of ritual to get in the right mood. So on a day or night out where things go extraordinarily well, make sure to check what exactly you did to get you in that kind of mood, what exactly had to happen to make you feel that way, and then make that happen each and every time.
What is it for you? For a lot of people, it's drinking. Socializing with a group of friends, getting in a social state before going out. Intermediates might directly and intentionally go for that kind of socializing, e.g. "getting your first set done asap" - that is one of the best examples of State-Control. You conciously and actively work on getting to that desired state. Some guys blast their favorite music to get them pumping, some might go jogging, wank to some porn or try some crazy stuff that PUA guru told them like ordering a Big Mac at Burger King and nothing but outright DEMANDING to get that Big Mac, seeing how far it can go. I figure the first things I noted are by far the most common, but everyone does it a little differently, so these are just some possibilities.
Whatever it is for you, if you haven't yet, find out gets you in state and then actively and intentionally do exactly that. Also, figure out which kinds of things can keep you in state and which kinds of things happen to knock you out of state - don't worry about that though, by the end of this post we should have touched down on how you can build that inner strength it takes to have basically nothing put you out of state anymore.
Once you've got the things identified that make you feel the way you want to, and once you can freely make those things happen at your will, you can pretty much feel any way you want to feel anywhere and anytime you want to. You will come to realize that you are the only one who decides how you feel about anything. You will find out that in fact you can choose how you want to feel about something. This is freedom and independency like I have never experienced it before, and to be honest, I think it made me evolve in ways I haven't thought possible.
You see, the ability to control the state you're in, to control your feelings, is a great thing. Anyone can do it. It's society that somehow made us forgot about this fact, and I think it's time to remember. But what's even better than being able to create a state you're comfortable in?
State-Independence
The ability to feel great no matter what state you're in. Your boss fired you? Girlfriend quit you? Someone spilled your drink, you're stuck in a traffic jam? One of your close friends died, you have cancer? Alright, I know I'm taking this to extremes, but: It's your decision how you feel about any and all of those things. It's not like you, because of some sort of inherited, biological programming you have to feel sad because your girlfriend boke up. You can freely decide how you want to feel about that situation and how - and if - you are going to get along with this and keep on living an awesome life despite this. Bad things happen. What makes the difference is how you deal with it.
I happened to find that this is some powerful stuff, and this also has some downsides to it. This year, two close friends of mine passed away and I didn't feel much about it. Yes, I cried. Yes, I was sad. But that feeling stood with me for merely a few days until my state jumped into its default gear again. I felt like I didn't grieve enough, even got told (and I must say maybe righteously so) that I was seeming so distant and cold. Maybe my way to deal with this. Maybe being too independent on what causes your feelings can be a bad thing, too. But for me, currently, I feel like this is the best way to deal with it. I don't think they would've wanted me to grieve my own life away and stop living. Instead, I keep them in good memory, try to raise a drink and thought to them every now and then and make them proud in the way I live on. And if that's not salvation, I don't know what is.
But I digress, again. This is about dating, right? Let's apply this to a proper dating scenario then. Say you've met a girl at a club, say you've got the courage to finally go and chat her up, and say she's pissed for some reason completely unattached to you.
She blows you off.
Didn't go so well, huh?
Hurt your feelings a bit?
Not feeling so self-concious now, are you?
What just happened? All that state you've built the entire evening, all that nice state-control you've had going on suddenly went out the window. It's nice to be able to create any state in you, but it's not of much use when it gets blown to pieces by anything that doesn't fit your scheme. What you need is state-independence. I define this as not just being able to create whatever state you desire, but maintaining your state even in face of things that would usually disrupt your goings-on.
But how exactly do you achieve this? To be honest, currently I feel like I'm finding it quite difficult to have state-independence without either going cold on my surroundings or becoming a total arrogant prick. So I'm trying to maintain my feelings about certain things, just not taking them into account as much as I did.
I think what it boils down to is that you must, as arrogant and conceited it might sound at first, that you must above all things hold your own self-opinion. If you think what you're doing is good, if you think you're on the right track, who in the world has the right to tell you otherwise? You should consider other people's opinions, of course. Not disregard them completely. Don't let other people's opinions affect you, just take them into account. This can make a crucial and very important difference in just about any time you're in a situation where other people's judgement - or what you consider it - hinders you.
Default State
The final step to emotional freedom is changing your default state. It's the way you feel when you get up early in the morning, the way you feel when you stare out the bus window thinking about nothing, the way you feel when you're lying in bed, trying to sleep. It's like the neutral position of your internal gear box. You can shift that neutral position in any direction you desire, actively, intentionally.
Code:
:((( :(( :( WHERE ARE YOU??? :) :)) :)))
< - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . | . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . -. - . - . - . - . - . - >Go ahead, find your position on that scale. Where are you? Where's your neutral position, where's your default state? Probably it's quite a bit on the right side, you've found your way to these forums, so I figure you're already actively creating your world to some part and not letting others dictate your feelings to some extent. But you sure can reach far beyond whre you currently are, be so much happier, ever so slightly, every day a little more. No matter how happy you are, you've got incredible room for improvement beyond anything you could imagine, no matter how accomplished you think you already are. I know I do.
But how do you accomplish this? You have to go and force yourself to do this every day. If I remember correctly, they say that it takes 21 days to make a behavior a habit. Get accustomed to being the ruler of your state and feelings. And get yourself detached from your feelings for a bit aswell. There is an idea in Zen meditation, I can't quite recall it's name or anything, but the idea is: Don't assume that you are your feelings. You are not what you feel. Don't say "I'm sad", say "I feel sadness". Don't say "I'm confused", say "I feel confusion". Don't say "I'm unsure about this", say "I feel unsure about doing this, but I know it's the right thing so I will do it anyway." It might not sound like much at first, but in fact I've done this for awhile now and I'm already feeling quite the improvement in my state-independency.
Round-Up
tl;dr?
- learn what individually makes your postive state and master achieving that exact state, actively and intentionally - IT IS POSSIBLE, ANYONE CAN DO IT
- learn to keep your state independently from all that might disrupt it
- do this conciously day-in, day-out and make it a habit. change the default state you're in, feel happy and confident no matter what
Final Notes
Alright, so I tried myself on a longer post on this topic, which to me personally I've found quite crucial when it comes to socializing and especially meeting women. I think I've got this down pretty well by now, so I thought I might just share some of my insights on this. I've got most of these ideas from all over the web, and personally tested and experienced them in the ways I described. None of this article was directly copied or written off, yet some of the verbalisations might not differ too much from the original. No plagiarism here, just trying to spread the word. One way or another, I'd like to mention Postmasculine.com for more insights on this and other topics (it's more of a selp-helf site than a dating site, with topics on self-improvement, travel, being powerful yet vulnerable, and so on) and The Art of Non-Conformity, a site with similar topics. Of course, girlschase.com. I wouldn't think I have to put a hotlink there since you should have it bookmarked already. Definetely check those sites out if you haven't already, they will change you for the better I promise.
Definetely my first longer post on this topic. I know I meandered quite a bit here and there, writing this stuff has some sort of creating an internal logic for myself aswell you know, but I tried to keep at least some sort of structure and I think you can get my point. This was some sort of free-form writing for me, I didn't spell-check for the most part and didn't reread or restructure much, so if you want to submit any corrections, feel free to do so. Also feel free to ask questions and discuss below. Thanks for reading.
