She has a "thing"

[ManInTheBox]

This is my first post here. I've been reading GirlsChase since the summer and the material has been extremely helpful and beneficial to my life.

Anyway I just asked a girl out who I've been meaning to for a while. I'd give her a prefect 10, she's extraordinarily nice, sociable, and has the ability to make everyone around her that much happier. I could tell for a while now that in the back of her mind she has probably been wishing I would ask her out. She's also about five years older than me, which I find slightly intimidating but I like.

So I asked her out for dinner while she was at work. It was the first time in a few months that I had seen her and she was happy to see me and when I said let's go out she blushed and had a ridiculously cute embarrassed smile. She sort of fumbled for words for a second and said she "kind of has a thing" but we can go out for drinks sometime. I got her number and while doing so I noticed her body language screamed excitement and nervousness, more obvious than I had ever seen. I sent her an ice breaker text at night with no reply which was two days ago.

Now how do I approach this situation? First of all I've never been out purely for drinks, so that will be somewhat new to me. When should I text her again to make plans and how do I go about it? Find out her schedule or define a time? Finally, and I do think I already know the answer to this from reading Chase's material, how do I get her to leave this guy she's seeing in the dust? Should I act as aggressively as I'd like and try to sleep with her? Since I don't go out to drink often how do we decide on a location without giving her too much control right off the bat. Do I act like I've been there before?

 

[metomeya]

Sounds like she is all your's. All you have to do is play it cool and don't chase.

https://www.girlschase.com/content/what ... -text-back
https://www.girlschase.com/content/girl ... things-not
https://www.girlschase.com/content/why- ... tence-does

 

[ManInTheBox]

Sounds like she is all your's. All you have to do is play it cool and don't chase.

https://www.girlschase.com/content/what ... -text-back
https://www.girlschase.com/content/girl ... things-not
https://www.girlschase.com/content/why- ... tence-does

Thanks for the literature Metomeya. I read the first two articles, I'll save the last one for tomorrow. The one about why she didn't text back was definitely interesting. That's been on my mind since I texted her but it sounds like the most likely option is that she is too nervous to text back. I'll send her a warm text today to get her to feel more comfortable. As for the second article: it says not to wine and dine, which is obvious but is going out for drinks alright? I won't be paying for her, I can tell you that much.

 

[metomeya]

Drinks would definitely be alright.

Goto Yelp, find about 3 places that has good reviews but a mid-price range (split the distance if you guys live far apart). From there ask a girl who is social which one you think someone would like to go on a casual date. This technique always got me to the perfect place.

And when you split the bill just asking her in a nice way, "You don't mind splitting the check do you?" Or just order for yourself. Just don't be a jerk about it.

I'm curious though, do you have a thing for her like she does for you? You do consider her a perfect 10 after all.

I ask cause in my experience whoever gets "pumped" though the most emotions/emotional highs from the other is most likely on the losing end of the situation. In your case, having her lose interest in you and in her case, not getting a relationship after sex. Had my perfect 10, who was crazy about me, but lost interest once she found out I was even more crazy about her. Just a caution to think of.

 

[ManInTheBox]

We do have a couple mutual areas of interest we can go to, which she is very familiar with and is close to my apartment. I will take your advice and use Google or Yelp but come to think of it, there is a place that a mutual friend of ours mentioned to me where the two have been to before and enjoy, and is casual. Thing is she will know I'm not a regular there, so I might just say I've heard about it and wanted to try it out if it comes up.

I do have a thing for her and I used to have a chase frame of mind with her though it probably wasn't too obvious, before I found GC. I honestly didn't know for sure if she was even interested because like I said she is friendly with everyone. But like I said I have never seen any woman show such an obvious restraint of emotions, which was probably produced mostly because my move was unexpected and could have been done long ago. It was good to see in my opinion. And I'd like to say too that I won't be doing any chasing, GC has eliminated that from me.

And she did get back to me today in a warm response, without me having to reinitiate.

 

[metomeya]

Like I said, sounds like she is all your's.

 

[Ross]

https://www.girlschase.com/content/how- ... -ever-need

One of the best articles on this website. Play it cool, enjoy the moment, and lead the interaction to the bedroom on the first date. Don't be too aggressive in this situation - if she's nervous and inexperienced, it may just make her extremely uncomfortable.

Ideally, you should have made things happen right then and there, when she was all happy and excited about meeting up with you. Great time to set up a date. Set up something via text that's mainly about logistics. Ask her which places she enjoys going to for drinks, choose a place (doesn't have to be the one she suggested, but it's good to ask her to make her feel involved in the process), and go for it.

 

[ManInTheBox]

Yeah I should have set a date with her right then and there. I knew that, I don't know what I was thinking. I'm now left with the lone reply via text on Monday and no response since.

 

[ManInTheBox]

Excuse the bump.

I've sent three texts to this girl with no reply. Normally I wouldn't care and would just next her but I feel like she is worth pursuing. I'm considering dropping by where she works (a coffee shop that I frequent, although not as often anymore) but I'm worried if that will make her feel uncomfortable and turn her off. I could persist with another text ( it's been nearly a month) but it may not get the result I want that I could get just seeing her in person.

In the case I do drop by and she's there, what kind of tactics can I use to ensure a date with her?

 

[metomeya]

I think this is going on too long.

Don't pursue.

This is your best course of action. Forget about her.

"But wait!" you say. "I still want her"

Trust me when I say this. Girls get SUPER interested when you text/contact them 6 months or a year later. As long as you did NOT creep her out before.

Pursue her and you will creep her out/make yourself look like a loser.

What is the best way to pop back into her life? Go to that coffee shop later (again wait a few months) with a friend. Then just make light conversation and invite her to hangout NOT with you, but with you and your friends.

Slight possibility that she might have a boyfriend by then? Yes. But if you freak out about that she knows her value is higher than yours and makes you less attractive.

 

[Qielli]

Hey man,

It really sounded good from what you posted about her reaction. I wouldn't worry too much about her not responding to your icebreaker text.
It looks like she really liked you but maybe since it has been some time now that you haven't seen each other, she might've cooled down a bit and decided that she doesn't really want to end what she has right now.

If she hasn't responded to three texts of yours but you still want to pursue her, I would first of all give her some time, perhaps a couple weeks. Then you can drop by the coffee shop as you would've normally and just talk to her in a chill way, as if nothing happened. If the interaction goes well and she's still flirty with you etc., just mention that you couldn't arrange anything back then (not blaming it on her or even implying that it's her fault and not acting like you care too much about it) and try to propose a new meet. If she agrees, try to arrange something right there (always easier in person when you have that vibe going, especially in a case where she might get second thoughts later because of a boyfriend or something).

If she rejects you/makes some excuse but you think she still likes you and would be open to something but probably doesn't want to because of that "thing" of hers, then I'd just call it quits for now. But perhaps in that case, you can take some of your other dates to that café in the future and maybe she'll get a bit jealous, realise what an attractive man you are and start to pursue you herself a little bit.

 

[Qielli]

I didn't see metomeya's reply before I posted. I just checked the dates of your posts and it does look like it's been going on over a month already. I think you need to judge the situation for yourself. If you've already been a bit chasey (it seems likely), then I'd recommend metomeya's approach (also he's probably more experienced than me). Basically, ask yourself, can you talk to her and ask her out at this point without it looking like chasing? If yes, then you might try it, even if the chances are not that high, I don't think it would hurt you much if you're casual about it and don't make it a big deal. But if you're not so sure about that being the case, then yeah, it's probably better to just quit right away (for now at least).

 

[Franco]

ManInTheBox,

This one seems pretty dead in the water, buddy. Three unanswered texts and no response for her in about a month is probably the end of it. I would move on to the next one.

Do not show up at her work unless you really want to freak her out.

- Franco

 

[ManInTheBox]

Thanks guys for the responses. While I appreciate and respect the opinions that have been given, I have to challenge based on what Chase wrote in the article, "What to Do When a Woman Doesn't Text Back".
https://www.girlschase.com/content/what- ... -text-back

Then, if she's still not replying [after three texts], you may want to try something more bold and experimental, depending on the situation. There's no one-shot, surefire way to reengage a girl who isn't responding; it's going to vary enormously depending on why she isn't responding in the first place

It makes sense to not overpursue and stay as far away from chasing as possible. In this article Chase pinpoints the difference between chasing and persistence, and in the above quote suggests a strategy of persistence at the stage I'm in now in order to get the girl.

He also mentions,

Persistence. It's the difference between the men who want it -- and get it -- and the men who don't.

I just don't see a reason to give up at this point, especially with such positive and obvious display of social anxiety I would see in this girl when I'm around (great article on social anxiety btw, the one that just came up). She offered to make other arrangements despite having a "boyfriend" and even apologized for a delayed response to one of my texts. I think I stated before that normally I would next the girl by now but this is a woman I'm much more interested. If it helps, and I know it makes a difference, this girl did not grow up in western culture so she is much more sociably-minded, polite, and may have a different set of social rules and guidelines than what we are brought up with in North America.

I'm going to tell a quick story that occurred last fall for me. I ran into a friend that I didn't speak to for three years due to a fight in which I beat the crap out of a mutual friend of ours. Throughout this three year period if we saw each other we either unwillingly and derogatorily say hi or not acknowledge each other at all. During the interaction I speak of we made conversation briefly as we were headed in the same direction and he asked for my number. I did not get his. Few weeks passed and no word from him so I thought he was being fake and didn't want to continue a friendship with me. I ran into him again by accident at a later date and he explained he forgot to save my number. We exchanged numbers this time and after three years of radio silence we are very close friends again.

Believe me I do not want to chase or creep this girl out but nothing is gained by just giving up. She may even break up with her boyfriend in the future at which point I can reenter her life like Metomeya mentioned, and if that's the case, that loyalty to a guy she's seeing is a great positive in a relationship.

I'm just presenting Chase's words as a challenge to those of you who are more experienced than I am and get further opinions, maybe even help someone else who's reading this thread.

 

[Ross]

You've been hung up on the same girl for two months. You are chasing her.

You've gotten advice to stop from two extremely experienced members. Don't ignore that advice. Persistence works wonders when you know what you're doing, but when you're sitting around saying things like this,

that loyalty to a guy she's seeing is a great positive in a relationship.

it becomes apparent that you need much more practice with many more women, rather than obsessing about one woman hoping that 'loyalty' will make her fall in love with you (it doesn't).

 

[ManInTheBox]

You've been hung up on the same girl for two months. You are chasing her.

You've gotten advice to stop from two extremely experienced members. Don't ignore that advice. Persistence works wonders when you know what you're doing, but when you're sitting around saying things like this,

that loyalty to a guy she's seeing is a great positive in a relationship.

it becomes apparent that you need much more practice with many more women, rather than obsessing about one woman hoping that 'loyalty' will make her fall in love with you (it doesn't).

I'm not sure what you meant in that last sentence but you point out one thing that is very interesting to me. What you're saying is Chase's advice on persistence needs to be ignored unless done properly. That is why I challenged the advice given, to find that answer.

It's obvious that you and Franco can immediately see my lack of experience and give me the advice not to persist because in reality I'm chasing. But what does persistence look like for someone who knows how to go about it properly? I can see a lot of it has to do with mindsets (and probably not taking the time and effort to ask about it here in order to get one girl).

Chase defines the difference between chasing and persistence as:

• Not getting mad or accusatory
• Not getting whiney
• Being nonchalant
• Refraining from being overly entertaining

All of which I went about doing. But because of my mindset I am instead chasing still? And a girl can really pick up on that even if I haven't given a sign of chasing or is there more to it?

 

[Franco]

MitB,

But what does persistence look like for someone who knows how to go about it properly? ...
But because of my mindset I am instead chasing still? And a girl can really pick up on that even if I haven't given a sign of chasing or is there more to it?

Persistence is a tough concept to grasp when you're newer. Persistence is effective when the girl actually wants you to persist. When you're just starting out, it's pretty hard to draw that line between what is persistent and what is chasing. The way most of us have gotten a feel for both is by going to both extremes and then experimenting with what works best in between. So, with that being said, here's an easy guideline to follow that will get you started with persistence: anything that is said or done in person to move the interaction forward is often more "persistence" than it is "chasing." Anything that is said or done over the phone or by text/e-mail/messenger is often more "chasing" than it is "persistence."

The reasons behind this are a lot more detailed, but in general, if you find yourself repeatedly pushing to get a girl out over phone or text, then it probably means you're chasing. I have a lot of specific rules that I follow with the way I text girls I've just met these days, and a lot of these rules were developed along the way of experimenting with what works and what doesn't work. It became clear to me rather quickly that persistence over texting was actually rather futile -- as a matter of fact, being aloof by texting is much more effective. But when you do contact a girl, you need to be direct, and let her know exactly what it is you want (which is to see her), and then don't chase her over text if she doesn't accept or respond to your requests. If you were (are) a man of high value, then the girl should assume you stopped texting her because you had better options available. If you continually text a girl without getting what you want, then it shows her you do not have other options of the same quality.

This is the basis behind some of this reasoning, but a lot of this can be gained through reading the articles on the website as well as in-field experience. So make sure to get out there and start experimenting to see what gets the best results. =)

- Franco

 

[ManInTheBox]

Thanks Franco, that clears things up for me quite a bit. I think of when you'd meet with a friend and he/she suggests you do something, whether that works or not it still feels much more natural to make the suggestion again in person. Whereas when someone continually texts you to make plans over and over it is more annoying than anything. When I'm asked in person to make arrangements I feel more social pressure to comply.

I realize I also made a mistake in our brief interaction via text. She tried to start a conversation with small talk questions and I responded with turning questions back on her, which I've had success doing while texting. Few days later I realized there was no conversation going and still no date set up. This just shows me how important it is to keep texting to a minimum, get straight to the point, and don't get sucked in to having texting conversations. I've already worked on improving that but I think that little slip up is enough to kill chances so I will be keep texting to an absolute minimum from now on.

 

[metomeya]

I've been meaning to say...the title of this thread makes me think of "The Crying Game" you know...she has a "thing" between her legs. Just saying.