She needs space and time to think - What to do?

[Jeet02]

I can't believe I haven't posted here in a while...guess that's what finding a girl does to ya! Anyway, I will try to keep this as short as I possible can but please bare with me.

I have always had interest in this girl, ever since I first saw her. She is one of the trainers of our gym at the office. Met her back in August when I first joined the gym. Got her phone number shortly after. In September I stopped going to the gym cause I got hurt, but I still stayed in touch with her a little bit. I asked to go to different places, but she almost always had something else going on, but would invite me somewhere else another day instead, and I almost always had something else going on as well. This kept going for a while, where we never got together, so I gave up. I didn't want to waste my time. Fast forward to december, I had nothing to do so I texted her to see what she was up to. She was going to go out and told me to tag along, so I did. IT was her, the other trainer (a guy) and his girlfriend. So kinda a 2 v 2 kinda thing. We were out playing pool and stuff, she was kinda drunk, and her friend (the trainers gf) told her to kiss me. And she did...we made out, but that was the end of that. After that we didnt talk much we just agreed that we had fun that night and everything, she didn't regret it, and she told me she had to make it up to me somehow cause she was pretty drunk. SO I told her she had to go on a date with me, she agreed but nothing ever really happened.

Fast forward to end of feb/march she started going to places I invited her. So in the beginning of March I asked her out. We went on our first oficial date...that night we just made out and almost escalated but she was holding back cause wanted to take things slowly (which scared me a little bit, cause I know how important it is to escalate quickly). We went on more dates and yes we finally escalated all the way, quite a few times and she even mentioned how great the sex was. She said "you are better than I expected...I like the whole package". And kept mentioning how much she liked me and stuff. I left for a week for training (for work) and during that whole week we texted every single day, all day long. She kept mentioning how much she missed me and liked me and how much she couldnt wait for me to get back and stuff. I got back, we got together that whole week and weekend, and it was amazing. The week after that we didnt see each other a single day, and barely texted cause she had been busy moving and doing other stuff. And this is where the problem came in and this is where I need ya'll's help.

The problem is I am leaving in July. I am moving to another state. She knew this from the very beginning and was always in the back of her mind. She brought it up pretty much every time we got together, asking me what we were going to do when the time came cause she didnt want to do long distance. I told her we could wait for the time to come and decide what to do based on how we were feeling about the relationship. But that didnt seem to be a good enough answer for her. So last weekend she called me and said we shouldn't really go to dinner that night cause she feels like we are just avoiding the inevitable. In her eyes things are going to end anyway in July and she said she doesn't want to get more attached to me and then see me leave. That she needs a little space and think some more. So I did, I didnt text her for a couple of days and then on Tuesday I saw her at the gym and the first thing she said was "haven't talked to you in a couple of days...you don't text...you don't call" and I told her I did it cause she wanted her space but that I missed her.

The whole I need time and space was re-iterated yesterday when we talked, cause we had agreed to go out tonight and talk a little bit more but she said yesterday it just wasnt a good idea cause "Bottom line...you are leaving". So I told her I will give her, her space if thats what she wants. My question is then, should I not text her at all? Let her be? The earliest I will probably see her is Tuesday (at the gym). Should I not text her at all during this days? Or should I send one or two texts tomorrow for example? What should I do fellas?! I really really like this girl...and I know she likes me a lot too. In one of our first few dates she mentioned that in the last year she had gone on dates with like 6 guys but got bored of them after like 2 weeks. We have been together for like a month now and she isn't tired of me yet (I asked her to just tell me if that was it).

Also, just a small detail, the weekend before last (last weekend was when we had the first "we need to stop" talk) she stayed over and slept in my clothes, the next morning she said "Can i take this and bring them back to you clean?" cause she didnt want to change and I told her fine. To me thats mentality of "we are going to be together still, for a while" not "in a week I am going to be done with you"...so perhaps the whole "not seeing us" during the week really hit her. Specially cause she says she will be that busy for a little while, that by the time she has real time to hang out with me, I will need to leave.

That's all I got for now....

Sorry for the long ass post....just need some master guidance....Thanks!

 

[Anonymous]

Well from what I can tell this is really just one of those situations that you are forced into one decision. You ARE in fact moving, and she does not want a long distance relationship and she also does not want to keep getting more attached to you (logically, though emtionally I'm sure she isn't able to help it, that's why she is upset when you don't call, keeping your clothes, etc.) So if you have to move, then you should just cut this off here, as much as it will hurt you and her both, it is better than wasting both of your time and just making it harder when you end up having to leave.

And if you don't move because of her, that is bad to, for a lot of reasons. So as much as I wish I could give some "happy" advice, my opinion is to just slowly and gently let her go.

That's just this guy's take on it though, but I don't see much way out of it at this point...just remember to always keep up the abundance mentality bro. You'll be meeting lots of new girls when you move.

 

[Jeet02]

Hey Draco,

Thanks for the replying man. I do agree with everything you said. And I understand why she is doing it as well, it hurts like a BITCH right now as it is and we have only been dating for a month, so if we did get more attached to each other and July came and we had to break up...we would definitely end up pretty hurt. I guess part of me just wants to give the next few months a try, cause they kinda feel like a waste seeing how we are both here right now. And I don't know, I always said I didnt want to do long distance but like I told her, you never know what might change in the future or what could happen. I guess what bothers me more is how it all ended suddenly when everything seemed to be going fine and part of me just wants to really give it a try. Unfortunately, yes, logically is the best thing to do probably...and I really hate that.

And yes, I am trying to keep reminding myself about the abundance and how there are probably a lot of better girls out there...just kinda hard times.

I do appreciate the reply, almost felt like my subconscious talking to me and I guess it will be even harder to really let her go since I will be seeing her at the gym...but yeah.

 

[Anonymous]

I'm going to recommend you tell her that you thought about it and agree that it will just be harder to leave each other in July if you stay a couple, so that you two should just be friends until you leave. Keep things friendly and nice with her, but not romantic.
The alternative is that you do tell her you would like to try having a long distance with her, since you like her, and that maybe something could be worked out in the future where the two of you are together (but only do this if you think there is a possibility of you two ending up together in the future within a year or so)...

but honestly man, it all comes down to your abundance mentality. you have this girl now, you don't want to lose her because you don't think you'll find another soon, and so your reptilian mind is screaming at you to hang onto her. so my gut instinct would be to take the lesser hurt now by ending romantic things but staying friends with her, then immediately (right now, even before you leave) go out and start trying to sleep with a lot of girls to get your mind off her. for her part, she is an attractive girl and will be getting approached by lots of guys, so she'll have an easy enough time getting over you - so don't feel *too* bad for her. just do what you think is best.

 

[Jeet02]

Again, like my subconscious mind haha. I did tell her I wanted to try the long distance, even told her to try it out by steps (we would do it for a month, and after a month we would check how are both feeling about, then 3 months...etc) Every X milestone we would check where we were in the relationship and how we felt about ours job and where we were living and stuff in case some adjustments could be made. That was the last thing I told her yesterday before she said just needed a little space and time to think about stuff. She did suggest to just stay friends and hang out and do stuff but in another level. And I wouldn't mind doing that (don't know if I was completely clear on that with her or not) but I did let her know that it will be pretty hard to do so. If I am trying to get over her but at the same time I am seeing her and hanging out with her it's just going to be darn tough to really forget about her. But yes, I obviously don't want her completely out of my live.

And the last part I agree with 100% as well. That is, in fact, why I am holding on to her. Because I am terrified that I won't find another girl soon. I guess cause I hadn't really felt anything real for a girl for like 5 years now. Although I had a few crushes and flings here and there, nothing really came out of it until this one. So I guess part of me is afraid that it will take me another 5 years to find another one that makes me feel like this. Then again, in the last year or so I have improved my game by a LOT, so I really doubt it will take me more than a year...but still part of me is scared cause I don't know what is to come really, but I do need to think in abundance like you suggested. Last but not least, that's the part that hurts the most...knowing that any time now she could probably meet and date another guy. And the bare thought of imagining her with some other guy just freaking kills me inside right now...

Also, I have realized that part of the reason that I want to stay with her is cause of the loneliness. I am new in town (will only be here for a total of 1 year) so I dont know THAT many people and I live alone. So when I met her I finally felt some company and had some stuff to look forward to (although I have friends I go out with during the weekends sometimes). But that loneliness was gone completely so I was full of happiness at last...so I wanna hold on to her mostly because of that than because of her I think...kinda sad.

Thanks for reading and for the recommendations man...I appreciate it!

 

[Franco]

Hey Jeet, it's been awhile! Good to see you back on here. =)

Also, I have realized that part of the reason that I want to stay with her is cause of the loneliness. I am new in town (will only be here for a total of 1 year) so I dont know THAT many people and I live alone. So when I met her I finally felt some company and had some stuff to look forward to (although I have friends I go out with during the weekends sometimes). But that loneliness was gone completely so I was full of happiness at last...so I wanna hold on to her mostly because of that than because of her I think...kinda sad.

Personally, I think this answers your question on what you need to do. Your reasons are self-motivated and not taking into consideration her needs and desires. "Feeling lonely" is something that can be removed by obtaining abundance, and you always need to have that mentality. Hanging on to her long-distance is probably only going to do two things:

• 1) Kill her attraction for you with neediness.
  2) Keep both you and her in an emotionally distraught state where you both can't satisfy each other's needs.

I think it would be best to let her go (and show her you aren't needy, which will give you the best chance of getting her back in the future), and then start dating other women in the meantime. I probably wouldn't attempt to initiate contact with her all that much, but be very friendly and warm when/if she contacts you. This will give you the best chance of getting together with her again should the circumstances change, and that's even if you'll want to get back with her at that point!

Don't be selfish in your reasoning for holding onto her. Her reaction to you suggesting to "draw things out" already shows that it's not what she wants, and that's why she got upset about it. Work on your abundance mentality and give her the freedom to live her life. At some point, she may come back to you if she truly had the best and strongest feelings for you.

With that being said, give Chase's recent article "How To Get Your Girlfriend Back" a read for more insight on what you'll need to do to get her back should that time come.

This is my two cents here, Jeet.

- Franco

 

[Jeet02]

Hey Franco!

Good to see you again man, I was kinda hoping you would chime in as well. Draco has definitely given so good suggestions as well, but good to see you around here.

With that said, I do agree.I have realized I have been kinda selfish about it and I almost have had this feeling (Even before I read your post) to apologize to her for it. I was thinking about giving her a call tomorrow (haven't talked to her since Thursday) to see how she is doing cause I know she has a lot of things in her plate. But at the same time to let her know that I am still here for her as a friend if he needs me...and maybe even mention that I agree with her on the whole ending it out now part of it and what not. Do you think it would be a good idea to do all that? Because I don't think she knows that and I have a feeling that she should. Don't know if that will be accepting defeat and giving up, but I feel like it is what I need to do.

I am definitely working on my abundance mentality but for some reason I am lacking motivation. I am going out tonight so we will see, but in part I don't know how to really get back in my two feet again and go out there and find someone else. I guess part of me is just disappointed that it ended so abruptly.

Also, I was thinking about texting her best friend today to ask her how she was doing (the girl I dated). Her best friend likes me and we have a good relationship, so it wouldn't be that weird.

In the end, my new questions are: should I call her tomorrow? Should I text her friend tonight just to see how she is doing? How do I get motivated again?

Thanks!

 

[Franco]

Jeet,

But at the same time to let her know that I am still here for her as a friend if he needs me...

I'm not a fan of ever suggesting any type of "friend-zoning yourself" if you ever have plans of being with this girl romantically again. I think it would be okay to call her to see how she's doing and show that you care tomorrow if you want to, though. If anything, you could mention that "maybe things will come together for us in the future." It will at least plant a seed in her mind of the two of you coming back together by fate in the future (which girls romanticize a great deal), and it will probably be enough to make her want to contact you should she miss you for any reason.

...and maybe even mention that I agree with her on the whole ending it out now part of it and what not.

Yeah, you can say you gave it some thought, and that you agree that it would be best for both you.

I was thinking about texting her best friend today to ask her how she was doing (the girl I dated). Her best friend likes me and we have a good relationship, so it wouldn't be that weird.

I don't see any harm in this. It will also reassure her good friend that you do care about her, which will score you points in the future should your name pop up between them again, which it likely will.

...should I call her tomorrow? Should I text her friend tonight just to see how she is doing? How do I get motivated again?

My answer to the first two questions is: if you want to, I don't see any harm in it.

For the second question: you just need to put yourself out in positions to meet women again. Schedule times on your calendar that you will dedicate just to meeting women (whether that's by day game or night game, whatever your preference is). If you're rusty, which you very well may be, it might be hard to get some approaching going, but don't get frustrated and don't leave early. If you scheduled 4 hours to go and meet women, then go to that location and stay there for 4 hours. You may not approach a single woman the first time you go back out if you're really rusty and your AA is flaring up, but I can guarantee you'll be much closer to breaking that ice if you at least commit to the entire time you scheduled rather than giving up easily and leaving.

You'd be surprised how getting a date with a hot new girl can quickly change the way you feel about yourself and your current situation!

That's my advice for getting back into the swing of things. I hope it helps! =)

- Franco

 

[Jeet02]

Hey!

I wish I could've updated here earlier but it was a busy busy week. It has been almost a week since I last posted here, so I am gonna try and remember the important details. But first of all, thank you Franco for the suggestion, I took them at heart and went for it. I called her Sunday.

We talked Sunday for like 40 mins. About a lot of stuff but mostly about us. I told her that I understood why she wanted to end things right now, but apparently it changed a little and I ended up trying to make her see my point. During the call she mentioned that I am one persistent guy. Things seemed alright, and definitely better than they were, when we were doing talking. A few mins after we hung up she texted me, thanking me for calling and that it was good talking to me. I said no prob, and I apologized for always bringing the whole long distance thing cause it seemed like it always ended up being about that. ANd I said "sorry for my annoying persistence haha then again thats how I got you to go out..." and she said to not worry about it, there is nothing to apologize, cause there is lots to think and talk about, that she just tends to avoid things. Then she said "yes...your persistence seems to be paying off". So we texted for a little bit more and she mentioned how she had never had anyone be so patient and persistent with her, that by now most people would've brushed her off...so we texted a little bit more and that was that.

Monday we really didnt talk all day, until I got off work cause I went to the gym and she was there. She wasn't supposed to be there but the other trainer called in sick so she had to close the gym that day. She trained me that day and we talked a little bit while she trained and she definitely seemed out of it. I could tell she was thinking about us...and the way she looked at me and stuff, but I didnt say anything. Also, she asked me how much I wanted to go the baseball game wednesday night, cause I told her no one wanted to go (which was true) and she said she was going to see if her lacrosse stuff wednesday didn't go till too late that she would go with me (but she didn't, lacrosse stuff went till like 8, game was at 7). I was done with the gym, I got home and stuff and a few hours later she texts me and says "Uh...It was good to see you today...For some reason I just wanted to hug you...and cuddle with you". That, obviously, made me smile haha. Again we exchanged some texts here and one of the things she mentioned is that she has been thinking a lot about us and stuff, that she is just afraid of what could go wrong, and that sometimes she wonders if she is ready for something and she wants to be but that it makes her sad that I am leaving in July.

Tuesday I texted her in the morning to say good morning, she replied saying good morning as well, but I didn't reply. She didn't ask anything really so I didn't feel the need to reply. And I knew I was seeing her at the gym later that day so I didnt bother much. I had actually told her to stay over that day cause she is now staying with her grandma for a little bit, and thats an hour away. So I offered for her to stay over so she didnt have to drive that early in the morning to go to work. But at the gym she told me that she wouldn't, cause she would have to bring all her stuff and what not and it would be a pain. Plus I really don't have much food here and what not, so she preferred not to. We talked for a little bit and here is where things got a little...complicated. She seemed out of it again, she said she was just thinking about stuff and I asked her what. But she wouldn't say...and it turns out she was 9 days late by then...and she is very very normal. She is never late or anything. So Obviously she was starting to stress out about it. She said she didnt want to tell me cause she didnt want me to stress about it. I left, she said she was going to text me later that night. She did, asking him how my legs were doing (I worked out legS) We texted a little bit and part of it was me saying that I would be there no matter the outcome. And she said she wasn't really used to having someone wanting to be there, she said I was one of a kind.

Wednesday I didnt see her but we texted, nothing too important there really...more of the same, of her being late and what not...

Thursday I texted her in the morning and texted a little during the day. But it was "bring your kids to work" day...talk about IRONY!! I saw her at Lunch and then at the gym after work. During the gym we didn't talk much cause she was training me and another guy at the same time, so we couldn't really talk about us. But when the guy left I stayed for a little and we just talked. I told her that we should hang this weekend cause we hadn't really done anything in 2 weeks. She said she was going to check cause it is kind of a pain being an hour away, but she was going to let me know. And I was like "yeah...alright" basically saying "I dont believe you but whatever". Then the other trainer came and jokingly asked if this was flirting that if she was interrupting. And we both said "yeah" and she, the girl I am sorta seeing, said "you are messing up my mojo" haha. So that was cool, but then we started walking out and she told me to wait for her that she needed to get her stuff. So I waited and while we were walking out I told her we would just keep in touch and see if we could do something the weekend. She asked if I didn't want to hang during the weekend and I said that I did, I just didn't know if she did. She said "why not now?". So we went to dinner right there....as soon as we got out of our cars (we drove separately) she came towards me and hugged me and kissed me. We had a nice dinner, talked about everything, and when we went out we kissed a little and stuff as well, we hugged and she said "I really needed to hug you like this". And we she left...then she texted me when she got home thanking me for dinner and for the chat, that she needed it. Then i said that I missed our dinners to which she said "I guess I've missed you too..." talked a little and she said "Thanks for being so great to me!" and I said that I tried my best but sometimes it was a little hard...to which she said to just keep trying, cause it is working.

Today we talked a little bit, chatted a little, but nothing too important except for the fact that she tested and it was negative. I told her that we might still need to do another test to be sure but she said she only bought one. And I told her I could buy her another one and bring it over saturday or sunday so she can test sunday/monday morning. But she never replied to that in all day...and that was in the afternoon.

So holy crap this post is long, but I am done. Just to wrap up...the important things to take out of this is that she still said she doesn't really know what she wants. She said, yesterday at dinner, that she thinks that maybe she isn't ready for something. Which makes her sad cause she wants to be so bad but that mostly she is just holding back and not sure cause I am leaving in July and she is scared that she will suffer a lot once that happens. The first part, of not being ready, I kinda understand but after reading all the stuff I have read from Chase and everyone out there, I know that is kind of BS. So my question is, what should I do to spark more of an attraction? Cause it just sounds like that could be part of the problem, or maybe she is just too afraid to really try and open up cause I am leaving?

The conclusion was that we will just keep hanging out, nothing to serious, and see how things keep going....Should I text her saturday morning? or should I wait for her to text?

Thanks!!
Jeet

 

[Anonymous]

https://www.girlschase.com/content/are-w ... ack-or-not

I think this is relevant

 

[Jeet02]

Hey Draco,

That was a good post and it does fit a little. But my question is, what if she was the one that suggested to do something Thursday night? What if she was the one that initiated contact and kissed me? What if we have slept together (hence the pregnancy scare)...would it still really apply?

Thanks!

 

[Whizzy]

Anymore updates Jeets?

 

[Jeet02]

Hey! Definitely some updates...don't know why I didn't stop here before...guess I gave up? I dont know haha.

She isn't pregnant, so let's start there...haha. The week after that date I talked about earlier, she texted that she wanted to just be friends. Week after that I asked what she was up to saturday but she never responded, so I told her that if she is not telling me cause she might be afraid to hurt me, I told her to not worry and she got all pissed at me saying that she just wants to be friends. That she wants nothing else from this. But then we talked a little bit and everything was fine...that weekend I decided to go home (Puerto Rico) to distract myself a little bit cause that was the weekend she was moving in with my "friend" (as roommates, nothing else). So I decided I didn't want to be here. She said she didn't know I was going home if everything was ok...(texting the day I got therE) and I said that yeah everything was fine, just needed to go home to distract myself and cause of mother's day. But turns out that same day I got there my grandma died, so I told her through text...and during the next few days in the weekend she would text me first, asking how I was doing, how I was holding up. So she definitely showed she cared there...

I came back Monday, but didn't see her till Tuesday cause I didn't work Monday. So Tuesday I gave the other trainer (another girl) a t-shirt from Puerto Rico cause she had asked for it, but didn't give "my" girl anything. Then she came to me saying that where was her shirt, and she brought it up a few times during my workout (she is my trainer). After I got home i texted her, saying i was sorry I didn't get her anything and she texted back saying that she was just messing, that she was glad I was back. Then we flirted a little, she said she wanted something better than a shirt, and I asked what, she said I should surprise her and I asked her if a puerto rican kiss counted and she just laughed and said that it was probably not a good idea.

Fast forward to friday night, we went out in a group cause the other girl trainer was leaving. her internship was up. I saw a new guy there that I hadn't seen my before so I asked my "friend" (the new roommate) who the guy was. And he said it was a guy "my" girl had dated before, that he had been over to their new place twice already. So I asked him if they were kinda dating then...and he insinuated that they were. I decided to leave cause I didn't want to be there like an idiot with them together, then I texted her telling her what the guy had told me, and I asked her if it was true, if she was dating the guy. And she got SUPER pissed at me. Saying I was being a child, that I should stop trying to start shit. I asked her why she was being so defensive and she said her roommate couldn't have said that cause it wasn't true. (By "that" she meant that she was dating the dude) so she basically was saying i was lying, trying to start shit. I told her then to clarify EXACTLY what her roommate told me but she never replied.

WE never talked during the weekend then Monday I saw her at the gym and she seemed kinda pissed still. So I brought it up again and she said she was angry, and got angry again there, cause it was childish of me to ask her roommate instead of her. Which is bullshit if you ask me, cause if I had gone to her with it she wouldn't have said "oh yeah he came over twice this week, I am fucking him" I mean come on woman! Of course I asked someone else. And even THEN I still texted her to ask her directly, but she got pissed instead. And we couldn't talk more right there cause she was pissed and just wanted to avoid the conversation (she avoids problems a lot) and I told her I was sorry I pissed her off but that wasn't my intention. Even though I felt like I didn't need to apologize at all. And she said I didn't have to apologize anymore. And said "I will see you tomorrow", and I said "well you are still angry but alright" and then she chuckled and said "see you tomorrow" again...and left...

The next day we seemed OK at the gym...but nothing special...and that's pretty much it.

I am moving in less then 2 months...at this point i really dont wanna get back together with her. But part of me doesn't wanna lose her. At the same time I wanna get over her, cause I still miss her some days....some days are better than others.

So that's whats up for now....trying to move on...but sure is kinda hard.

Thanks for asking Whizzy!

 

[Whizzy]

Anytime Jeets Have you tried meeting new girls (even just to take your mind off of her) just to get back into the swing of things?

 

[Jeet02]

Haven't really met any new ones nope :S. in part cause I am leaving in July so at this point it feels almost pointless you know? I did sleep with another one after her, but it didn't feel the same at all.

Cheers,
-Jeet

 

[Whizzy]

If you're not enjoying it then seems like there is little point in doing it amigo. May be better to wait until you move so it seems more worthwhile then Until then you can always still focus on bettering yourself or whatever else you have going on.

 

[Jeet02]

Definitely what I am trying to do for sure. Working on myself a little bit more, be ready for the next chapter. Sucks cause some days I feel pretty pumped and happy, others I just miss her and feel a little bit like shit. I don't really miss her, as much as I miss what we had...if that makes sense...

 

[Whizzy]

It makes perfect sense, the feeling you had around her not really her herself