- Joined
- Nov 12, 2024
- Messages
- 64
This is just such a minor thing but it is so deeeply validating you can't know, and even little things have to be analyzed. I don't think i'm weak but i think my signal is not registered across noise. you have to understand, i have traveled the world but i was unstable in work in my 20s. In my 30s i settled down in this town and this town i think has been a dampener- minneapolis. It is great in most aspects except socially. I even went to college here at a dumb liberal arts one in the country- big mistake, years ago-- my formative years were based on this place. I don't think my signal registers. All I really need is liveness.
So I was getting tea at this place i sometimes go to. it's sunday evening. The server was just both cute- Petra was her name and alive and responsive and we conversed and communicated. She makes facial expressions without realizing, uses her eyes and face. She is willing and able to talk. I'm not a nuisance talking to her. I can do all the simple things i thougth would get me something- listen, let her talk about herself, low key share things about myself as long as she is talking about herself and feel i'm not self absorbed. Turns out she is from here but she's different, something with her parents.
The takeaway- if i could go and live somewhere where people are people-- that's all i need is for signal to get through and past the irony, the greek form of "pretense" and detatchment and plausible deniability. I think sometimes it can actually be hard to tell if a situation requires game: "Game me boy" or if it is being ironic "yeah we're just playing around, we are not available (but we won't say it)"
She dropped she had a boyfriend .. which sucks. i don't know how to make a bridge where i can ask her out and get a likely yes response, or get her number. i knew that is fraught with risk- of backfire, asking out too soon. it's not a fear thing. in fact if i can find a direct ballsy way to ask out--- that might work and is the best way, i will do it. I just need time and space to operate. The thing i think usually is that i can't operate because i'm either not that interested in a person or i feel rushed and pressured. If I am both interested and i have time and space to jive-- then and only then can i really be my highest self and use my highest wisdom and this was a little microcosm of being given that space. It is validating. It shows me that it's about the people and those who are worth it.
And i think you can meet them anywhere, but in some cities and countries the good ones are more concentrated. there is less irony. This time even 5 months ago i was not thinking of irony, ειρονεια, but now i think it's our main cultural paradigm, especially in MN.
I should also bring up this other girl- who leads a language meetup group i'm part of. Erin. We make eye contact. We made eye contact from the beginning, three years ago, long eye contact. I could sworn she was into me and maybe she was- she always treats me with respect, but she was in a marriage, on the rocks, that she got out of. Then she married another guy but she still makes eye contact. it is so long and deep and the only reason i bring it up is that it touches something in my brainstem that nothing else has ever touched. it is a connection, a connectivity, that is crucial for mental health or does wonders for it, for state, for peace of mind, for deep validation. I don't like to be needy, needing validation but we are human, we are not bots. I am not a virgin, I have been with a number of women- usually very short term but a few more ongoing back in the day and what they gave me is not what these girls have given me even platonically.
I do what i can. I can fish about how serious she is with her bf but i am not that guy that tries to split and not out of morality, or at least not out of unexamined morality. In fact.. I never cared about morality or moral psychology but now i think it is both fascinating and incredibly powerful of a thing to study and there are moral dimensions to things, to almost anything and there are multiple dimensions of morality and it is very useful to unpack them- it's a gateway into the self and one's behavior. I can't rule anything out as the opportunities present but i'm not trying to be that guy to split them for my own gain but I mean i take whatever paths in life i find. I used to be strict morally and now i think that is wrong. i like the best things- i like to take the best paths even if they are hard and i have proved that i can do that and sacrifice but now i have to show wisdom and i don't even know if i was always right about what was best, what side to err on. Basically, if it feels good, do it lol. if it sits well morally, maybe it is moral. If one can do it with aura, what is wrong with it?
I would go out picking up if i knew where there was high volume of fish but part of my thing was i wanted to work on building my kingdom and life and meeting women organically along the way so this aligns with that goal- but she was taken and i would still have had to get the digits or whatever, for next steps. we talked about in that brief time, her hobbies, the ren fest, and other stuff but the chemistry was good on my end, and that alone is hard to find, someone i am interested in, and i know I have a shit ton of value to provide someone if i can get my signal recognized. I think that is the biggest thing and i spent years, and formative years here, which is not my home state but close. I may have had the better parts of me rejected by a culture that doesn't appreciate them and it's not that i like complaining about the same stuff so I'm fittin to make a plan where i can travel and be anywhere, financially but this is a huge thing to gain clarity and certainty over- cause of struggles and also confusion.
At the other coffee shop before this i was listening to old school stuff- Jimmy Eat World sweetness on repeat. I like to listen to stuff on repeat for a session. That's what i'm vibing, not just cause of a good experience. i'm not that teenage boy but because the music is energy and good and also forceful. i believe in force- but intelligent force but force but yeah. i am a particular guy, i realize it. It's such a small fr but i don't know what is a good fr. Little stuff like this is humanizing, validating and so on. I don't know if i was close to getting her romantically into me but it's a start. The right people tend to be into me without me even trying, and then others get into me via the proximity effect- and that is hard today because everyone lives in their own silo- no common space or community but those two things alone draw a lot of people. Tricks - never worked for me. the best they can do is set a good frame- which i always try to do- i don't think i ever truly simp, not in the standard way. It's just that i'm not an ironic modern zoomer or whatever. I think the key for me is to get time with people, and bump up the energy or hold good energy the whole time, escalating touch but keep sexuality on the down low. they are always fragile about that. Touch has been my friend. Touch beats talk for me but gotta get time with them based on a good or at least open frame. It's a journey.. but I have to like the person and see something.
So I was getting tea at this place i sometimes go to. it's sunday evening. The server was just both cute- Petra was her name and alive and responsive and we conversed and communicated. She makes facial expressions without realizing, uses her eyes and face. She is willing and able to talk. I'm not a nuisance talking to her. I can do all the simple things i thougth would get me something- listen, let her talk about herself, low key share things about myself as long as she is talking about herself and feel i'm not self absorbed. Turns out she is from here but she's different, something with her parents.
The takeaway- if i could go and live somewhere where people are people-- that's all i need is for signal to get through and past the irony, the greek form of "pretense" and detatchment and plausible deniability. I think sometimes it can actually be hard to tell if a situation requires game: "Game me boy" or if it is being ironic "yeah we're just playing around, we are not available (but we won't say it)"
She dropped she had a boyfriend .. which sucks. i don't know how to make a bridge where i can ask her out and get a likely yes response, or get her number. i knew that is fraught with risk- of backfire, asking out too soon. it's not a fear thing. in fact if i can find a direct ballsy way to ask out--- that might work and is the best way, i will do it. I just need time and space to operate. The thing i think usually is that i can't operate because i'm either not that interested in a person or i feel rushed and pressured. If I am both interested and i have time and space to jive-- then and only then can i really be my highest self and use my highest wisdom and this was a little microcosm of being given that space. It is validating. It shows me that it's about the people and those who are worth it.
And i think you can meet them anywhere, but in some cities and countries the good ones are more concentrated. there is less irony. This time even 5 months ago i was not thinking of irony, ειρονεια, but now i think it's our main cultural paradigm, especially in MN.
I should also bring up this other girl- who leads a language meetup group i'm part of. Erin. We make eye contact. We made eye contact from the beginning, three years ago, long eye contact. I could sworn she was into me and maybe she was- she always treats me with respect, but she was in a marriage, on the rocks, that she got out of. Then she married another guy but she still makes eye contact. it is so long and deep and the only reason i bring it up is that it touches something in my brainstem that nothing else has ever touched. it is a connection, a connectivity, that is crucial for mental health or does wonders for it, for state, for peace of mind, for deep validation. I don't like to be needy, needing validation but we are human, we are not bots. I am not a virgin, I have been with a number of women- usually very short term but a few more ongoing back in the day and what they gave me is not what these girls have given me even platonically.
I do what i can. I can fish about how serious she is with her bf but i am not that guy that tries to split and not out of morality, or at least not out of unexamined morality. In fact.. I never cared about morality or moral psychology but now i think it is both fascinating and incredibly powerful of a thing to study and there are moral dimensions to things, to almost anything and there are multiple dimensions of morality and it is very useful to unpack them- it's a gateway into the self and one's behavior. I can't rule anything out as the opportunities present but i'm not trying to be that guy to split them for my own gain but I mean i take whatever paths in life i find. I used to be strict morally and now i think that is wrong. i like the best things- i like to take the best paths even if they are hard and i have proved that i can do that and sacrifice but now i have to show wisdom and i don't even know if i was always right about what was best, what side to err on. Basically, if it feels good, do it lol. if it sits well morally, maybe it is moral. If one can do it with aura, what is wrong with it?
I would go out picking up if i knew where there was high volume of fish but part of my thing was i wanted to work on building my kingdom and life and meeting women organically along the way so this aligns with that goal- but she was taken and i would still have had to get the digits or whatever, for next steps. we talked about in that brief time, her hobbies, the ren fest, and other stuff but the chemistry was good on my end, and that alone is hard to find, someone i am interested in, and i know I have a shit ton of value to provide someone if i can get my signal recognized. I think that is the biggest thing and i spent years, and formative years here, which is not my home state but close. I may have had the better parts of me rejected by a culture that doesn't appreciate them and it's not that i like complaining about the same stuff so I'm fittin to make a plan where i can travel and be anywhere, financially but this is a huge thing to gain clarity and certainty over- cause of struggles and also confusion.
At the other coffee shop before this i was listening to old school stuff- Jimmy Eat World sweetness on repeat. I like to listen to stuff on repeat for a session. That's what i'm vibing, not just cause of a good experience. i'm not that teenage boy but because the music is energy and good and also forceful. i believe in force- but intelligent force but force but yeah. i am a particular guy, i realize it. It's such a small fr but i don't know what is a good fr. Little stuff like this is humanizing, validating and so on. I don't know if i was close to getting her romantically into me but it's a start. The right people tend to be into me without me even trying, and then others get into me via the proximity effect- and that is hard today because everyone lives in their own silo- no common space or community but those two things alone draw a lot of people. Tricks - never worked for me. the best they can do is set a good frame- which i always try to do- i don't think i ever truly simp, not in the standard way. It's just that i'm not an ironic modern zoomer or whatever. I think the key for me is to get time with people, and bump up the energy or hold good energy the whole time, escalating touch but keep sexuality on the down low. they are always fragile about that. Touch has been my friend. Touch beats talk for me but gotta get time with them based on a good or at least open frame. It's a journey.. but I have to like the person and see something.
