Long-Term Should I break up and move on or wait longer?

[DyerMaker]

I've been dating my current GF for 4 years and change. When I met her she was kinda heavy and I told her from the start my expectation is for her to drop weight if she wants this to go somewhere. At first, I was merely hinting at it, then after a while I flat out told her, directly, no bull shit... this is what I want, do it. I look good, I'm in shape, I lift, have a pretty active lifestyle, I want to have an 8-10 next to me... I do not want to get married to an overweight chick.

She accepted it and got on board, started going to the gym with me and then got her own membership, and changed her diet. As a person she's great, definitely a 10, we get along, we laugh, the sex is good, she's caring. Definitely, a girl I could wife up.

I've tried pushing her hard in the gym, bought her equipment to use at home, she gets upset and says I'm being too harsh on her. Okay, I backed off, didn't comment much on it and just cheered her on each time I knew she was at the gym putting in work. But she's still not losing weight. After 4 years it should have dropped, people do transformations in 6-8 months. She's by no means obese, but a lot more in the middle than I'd like to see.

Am I being too superficial here? I've seen pictures of her when she was in shape and she looked great, a big belly is not what I'm into. I kinda feel like a dick... but I've overlooked it for this long waiting for her to produce results.

I'm kinda starting to feel I am wasting my time while I could find someone else.

Please don't tell me I'm a superficial dick or something like that, I already know that. Being fit is a big deal to me, I feel like I gave her a long enough chance

When should I call it quits? Should I call it quits at all? Anyone else experience something like this?

 

[ray_zorse]

Hey mate it's absolutely necessary to accept the other person for what they are, not what you would wish them to be.

I must say I would find it unbearable to get this kind of pressure from the other person in a relationship. In fact I have much the same issue as your GF: I'm active, pretty much in shape, I lift, I run and so on... but I'm also about 10kg+ overweight... with several months of hard dieting late last year I dropped from 95kg to 90kg, but I put it on again in the initial months of this year. I recently started my diet again and it's going well, but... the thing is, it's a personal decision. Nobody can hassle me (or your GF) into getting in shape. You absolutely HAVE to do it for the right reasons. It can never be successful unless they're YOUR PERSONAL REASONS. The thing is, that if I choose to sacrifice by not having that extra chocolate biscuit... it's gotta be because I WANT A GOOD BODY... not because my partner won't ALLOW me to have what I really want.

It may well happen that you break up with your GF and she spends some time single and then says to herself "hey I'm sick of this and I want to snag a hot guy like I had before... I need to get a better body" and then put in the hard yards to achieve her goal... because it's HER GOAL... not YOUR GOAL. But trying to get that to happen NOW, without her going through that process of evaluating her priorities... is just trying to short circuit things. Unfortunately there's sometimes a process of making the wrong decisions that we have to go through, in order to start making the right decisions... it's the story of my life. If I could get my life back, of course I wouldn't have been a smoker from age 18 to 30... and I would've bought a house and started paying it off... etc... but did I listen to my parents and others around me at the time? Course not... and would I have wanted someone breathing down my neck and making hard rules that I'm not allowed to smoke, I have to put aside X dollars per week, etc? No... I'm not a baby! I accept the consequences of my decisions.

Anyway, quite aside from the fact that hassling her to get a good body won't be successful... we need to look a bit at your motivations here. It's basically a status thing for you, you want to have a 10 on your arm... because why? Because it will make other people think you're wonderful... so it's coming from insecurity basically. I know you said you don't want to be told you're a superficial dick, well that's not really what I'm saying, what I'm saying is that (a) being overly invested in what others think of you and (b) trying to mould people to fit your expectations... are both codependent traits. Codependency is a condition where you get into unhealthy and/or unsatisfying relationships and/or stay in them past the point where the relationship is beneficial to both people. I'm a recovering codependent so I speak from experience, don't think I'm being critical.

So it's decision time mate, what do you want most, do you want a 10 on your arm? If so, then you'd better break up with your GF and do some hardcore approaching, the newbie assignment on the boards would be a good start. I suppose you might have great game and just need to get back in practice, I dunno, but I'm assuming you're probably a regular guy who needs to do some hardcore mental rewiring and lots of practice in order to pull 10s, your looks and being in shape would probably help though. Bear in mind that your 10 might be bitchy and high maintenance... although having said that, if you follow GC principles to transform yourself into a super high value man she might be a kitten to you... anyway, the alternative is the comfort and security of your existing relationship with a girl you get on great with. But you have to accept her body.

Ray

 

[ProblemSolving]

Well DyerMaker,

You've learned a value lesson that every man must learn sooner or later, and that is you can't mold a girl into becoming your dream girl - she must be your dream girl from the beginning. Trying to change someone just results in pain, frustration, and heartache for the both of you. Knowing that a girl's fitness is important to you, you should've never got involved in a long term relationship in the first place. This is something you need to screen for BEFORE things get serious.

A girl's fitness and exercise habits, I've come to realize, are VERY important to me when screening for a long term relationship. I want a girl who is not only fit, but takes pride in her own health and fitness. Her exercise habits will stick with her into old age because she is internally motivated to be as sexy and fit as possible- it's her PASSION. That's who you want to screen for. Trying to mold a girl into a gym rat doesn't work as you have just learned.

I've dumped girlfriends over this in the past. Now, I screen girls out of long term relationship contention before things get serious when I find out they don't hit the gym regularly. And don't believe the, "I'm gonna start getting in better shape", rhetoric. Hitting the gym has to be something she's passionate about, or it won't stick over the long haul.

 

[ray_zorse]

I think ProblemSolving really nailed it, I came back to this thread intending to edit my reply to stress something that I had not really covered properly before, which is that when you have sufficient abundance in women i.e. a choice of lots of beautiful women who are fit and hit the gym and are kind and caring and social and all those other desirable characteristics that make her relationship- or wife-worthy... then it becomes much easier to accept and love ALL women for what they really are and not want to change them. I believe the desire to mould comes from the feeling they aren't replaceable. Anyway ProblemSolving's response is coming from a similar angle.
Ray

 

[DyerMaker]

Gentlemen, thank you for the really thoughtful input. I appreciate it.

It may well happen that you break up with your GF and she spends some time single and then says to herself "hey I'm sick of this and I want to snag a hot guy like I had before... I need to get a better body" and then put in the hard yards to achieve her goal... because it's HER GOAL... not YOUR GOAL. But trying to get that to happen NOW, without her going through that process of evaluating her priorities... is just trying to short circuit things. Ray

I have a feeling this is what will happen and that kinda pisses me off that it needs to come to that for her to get her act together.

Anyway, quite aside from the fact that hassling her to get a good body won't be successful... we need to look a bit at your motivations here. It's basically a status thing for you, you want to have a 10 on your arm... because why? Because it will make other people think you're wonderful... so it's coming from insecurity basically. I know you said you don't want to be told you're a superficial dick, well that's not really what I'm saying, what I'm saying is that (a) being overly invested in what others think of you and (b) trying to mold people to fit your expectations... are both codependent traits. Codependency is a condition where you get into unhealthy and/or unsatisfying relationships and/or stay in them past the point where the relationship is beneficial to both people. I'm a recovering codependent so I speak from experience, don't think I'm being critical.Ray

I suppose, my mother has always had high expectations of me and that might be why I always feel like I need to bring a 10 home. Another reason why I feel like I want a 10, is so I wont have to look for one later when I'm actually settled down. I want to be visually stimulated, if that makes sense.

So it's decision time mate, what do you want most, do you want a 10 on your arm? If so, then you'd better break up with your GF and do some hardcore approaching, the newbie assignment on the boards would be a good start. I suppose you might have great game and just need to get back in practice, I dunno, but I'm assuming you're probably a regular guy who needs to do some hardcore mental rewiring and lots of practice in order to pull 10s, your looks and being in shape would probably help though. Bear in mind that your 10 might be bitchy and high maintenance... although having said that, if you follow GC principles to transform yourself into a super high value man she might be a kitten to you... anyway, the alternative is the comfort and security of your existing relationship with a girl you get on great with. But you have to accept her body.
Ray

Yea, after 4+ years my game is definitely rusty. I'm pretty good at spotting a high maintenance no personality chick, but this forum has a lot of good information. I will certainly be doing my homework going forward.

Well DyerMaker,

You've learned a value lesson that every man must learn sooner or later, and that is you can't mold a girl into becoming your dream girl - she must be your dream girl from the beginning. Trying to change someone just results in pain, frustration, and heartache for the both of you. Knowing that a girl's fitness is important to you, you should've never got involved in a long term relationship in the first place. This is something you need to screen for BEFORE things get serious.

A girl's fitness and exercise habits, I've come to realize, are VERY important to me when screening for a long term relationship. I want a girl who is not only fit, but takes pride in her own health and fitness. Her exercise habits will stick with her into old age because she is internally motivated to be as sexy and fit as possible- it's her PASSION. That's who you want to screen for. Trying to mold a girl into a gym rat doesn't work as you have just learned.

I've dumped girlfriends over this in the past. Now, I screen girls out of long term relationship contention before things get serious when I find out they don't hit the gym regularly. And don't believe the, "I'm gonna start getting in better shape", rhetoric. Hitting the gym has to be something she's passionate about, or it won't stick over the long haul.

Wish I had that mentality 4 years ago...you live and learn.