Should I ever pin the blame on her?

[Bboy100]

Hey guys,

So, I've read a lot of Chase's articles, and he always stresses avoiding victim mentality, something I strongly agree with. However, I've noticed that oftentimes, after a failed interaction, I'll sit there wondering for a long time what I did wrong/ if I could have done something better. And I often blame myself and make myself feel bad for not doing the "right" thing. Like, I'll obsess over it for hours. And the more I do, the harder it becomes to stop.

Ex. I was on a date the other day, and I failed to escalate. Partially because I had never faced auto-rejection before, so I wasn't emotionally convinced it was real, and partially because I had no logistics. Also, this was a first date. So I felt like I could at least make it to date #2 before auto-rejection.

I didn't have my own place in that City (I was visiting my parents) and she lived 20 mins away, it was 3 AM and she specifically mentioned several times that she's kinda worried that she feels she won't be able to get up early enough for her hike in the morning. So, she drove me home, she mentioned how she wanted to see me again, I gave her a peck on the cheek and left.

The next morning, I sent her a text. Got no reply. Also, I noticed she unmatched me on Tinder (where we met). At 2 AM she texted me "sorry, I don't think this is gonna workout. Had to be honest"

Also, she had called me cute/made slightly sexual references towards the end of the date. And she genuinely seemed to enjoy herself and was showing interest the whole time.

So she clearly liked me. The only reason I can see that she wouldn't wanna see me again is auto-rejection.

I feel like she somehow expected me to escalate. But I really didn't have any plausible deniability for going back to her place. Especially since she had the hike in the morning. And my place obviously was unavailable.

Back to what I was originally talking about: To avoid victim mentality, I'm thinking to myself "well somehow, I should have escalated anyway/I failed to plan out the date". But the other side to that coin is, I mean maybe her auto-rejecting me for that is kinda ridiculous. Cause there really wasn't much I could have done.

So my question is: Is there any time when I just blame the girl and next her and not worry about the auto-rejection (or whatever else could have made the date go more smoothly) or should I always say to myself, k, I fucked up, lets figure out how I can do that better the next time?

 

[Franco]

Bboy100,

And I often blame myself and make myself feel bad for not doing the "right" thing. Like, I'll obsess over it for hours. And the more I do, the harder it becomes to stop.

The real issue here is the above statement. Whether or not the result of an interaction was your fault or hers, you shouldn't be upset with it either way. You need outcome independence here.

It's fine to mull over an interaction for awhile to see if you can pinpoint where things went wrong, but it's important to not get upset if you determine that the fault was your own. If it was, it just means you now know where you went wrong and what you need to improve upon in your future interactions.

Always view things as a process that you're trying to master, and don't get too caught up in a single reference point from that process. That reference point is just used to help you learn; if you're getting too frustrated because an interaction with ONE girl went awry, then it means you aren't looking at the big picture: your goal is to get better with women, and to get better, you're going to need to make mistakes so that you can improve upon them.

As for this interaction, it sounds to me like the girl did want you to make something happen, but it sounds like she was making logistics difficult. If you had a lot of experience (and/or you prepared your logistics very well), it's possible you could have made this one happen by moving her to another discreet location nearby (maybe an alley with your car or a park) and escalate with her there. But then again, maybe none of this was possible, or the nearest escalation location was 20+ minutes away. At that point, it's really hard to point the blame at anyone -- she wants sex, but logistics are bad, so it's just not going to happen.

Always view things from a learning standpoint -- from this interaction, I would think the takeaway would be learning to plan a good place to escalate with a girl if you know it's possible that both of your places will be unavailable. Maybe having a "back-up" escalation location somewhere in a public location might be your best bet.

Upward and onward!

- Franco

 

[Bboy100]

Always view things as a process that you're trying to master, and don't get too caught up in a single reference point from that process. That reference point is just used to help you learn; if you're getting too frustrated because an interaction with ONE girl went awry, then it means you aren't looking at the big picture: your goal is to get better with women, and to get better, you're going to need to make mistakes so that you can improve upon them.

Totally agree with this from a logical perspective. And I've known it for a long time. But despite knowing this, I still get upset emotionally. Its a very strange phenomenon. A small part of the reason for this is because sex/getting past the first date is still scarce for me.

But mainly because I feel like I let her down. Like, if I don't make things happen, I always feel like I wasted the girl's time. I don't feel like I wasted my own time cause I know I learned something that day. But I feel like she got nothing out of it. She just blew 3 hours of her time on a guy who didn't give her what she wanted. I know that's a risk she willingly took just by going out with me (or any other guy). And I didn't really owe her anything...but it still sucks to let someone down like that.


As for that specific girl, I think in hindsight, the best option would have been to just try to escalate in her car where we were. Cause it was 3 AM, so no1 would have seen us. But for some reason, I didn't think of that in the moment. Lol. Plus, I failed to create a sexual vibe (something I'm trying to work on!). So I feel like even though we both wanted to take things further, it still would have felt a little awkward/ not smooth. But that's not an excuse...I still should have at least tried.

 

[Franco]

Bboy100,

But mainly because I feel like I let her down. Like, if I don't make things happen, I always feel like I wasted the girl's time. I don't feel like I wasted my own time cause I know I learned something that day. But I feel like she got nothing out of it. She just blew 3 hours of her time on a guy who didn't give her what she wanted. I know that's a risk she willingly took just by going out with me (or any other guy). And I didn't really owe her anything...but it still sucks to let someone down like that.

I wouldn't ever worry about this. You probably weren't her first date that went nowhere, and you probably won't be her last. She's a girl, so if she's at least decently attractive, she'll get her needs fulfilled at some point, and she'll have long forgotten any disappointment she had from the interaction with you.

Girls have an extremely short term memory with stuff like this, and that's mainly because they just keep moving forward with their lives. That's what you need to do, too. =)

- Franco

 

[Bboy100]

Hmm yeah, you're probably right. That's a good way to frame it.
Hopefully I can internalize that for next time.

Thanks for the help Franco.