Should I try and make it up to my girlfriend?

[Rowen]

Hey guys, my first post here. I've been following the site for a while---absolute gold. Anyways, here's my situation and I would like to get some feedback from the community.

I've been dating this girl for the past five months. She just graduated college, and I'm in another state doing an internship. So, for right now, its long distance, but we'll be seeing each other when I go back to school in a week. Her birthday was this past weekend, and I wanted to get her something meaningful to her. Instead of giving her flowers or some stock gift, I chose to buy her a really nice, leather-bound sketch book--she enjoys drawing in her down time and she's pretty good.

I wrote maybe two sentences on the inside of the front cover, basically said that "I've enjoyed every minute of these last five months with you. You're an amazing girl and you never cease to surprise me. Use this notebook to keep up with your drawings." And I mailed it to her. I didn't want to write a long gushy letter to her because I felt like that would go against many of the things that I've read on this site. I thought that what I said was thoughtful enough and that the gift would be special to her.

Fast forward to this weekend. She calls me and tells me that she appreciates the gift--the fact that I took the time to think of something she might like and mail it to her. But, then she says that she doesn't think it was really enough, in light of what she did for my birthday a few months ago. She gave me a hand carved chess set she had gotten for about 50 dollars in Mexico and wrote me probably the sweetest and most affectionate card any girl has ever given me.

Seriously, it made me get weird, warm fuzzy feelings and shit.

She told me that she would have liked to get flowers, or a card or something more than just blank paper and a short note. There is a similar post on this board, and I had actually read it a few days prior, so I responded with the advice that had been given there. I told her "So, I spent my time and money to get you something that would be meaningful to you, that you could use, that I couldn't just get any other girl. And you're complaining?!"

She told me that she really did appreciate it, that she's glad I mailed her anything at all since I'm seeing her soon, but that she felt like she put a lot more into my gift than I did hers. I held my ground, never apologized. I don't think what I did was wrong--I did spend a lot of time thinking about something unique to give her, and the book plus two-day shipping was probably more than she spent on me.

So, things are just...weird now. Her affect is off when we talk on the phone and she tells me that she's still peeved. When we had the first conversation I told her that I understood where she was coming from--that she felt like she was putting more effort into things than I was, but that I also didn't share her view. I don't know if it's her making me feel guilty or what, but now I'm feeling like maybe I should have made a more heartfelt gesture. Maybe I should have written a longer note, told her more how special she was, or gotten her flowers delivered.

So, I'm debating whether or not to have flowers delivered to her place now or make it up in some other way. I don't want to come off as supplicating or chasing, but I do also want to be genuine with this girl. I like her, and I want to show her that, even if her reaction to my gift is extremely off-putting.

What do you guys think would be the best move now?

-Rowen

 

[Franco]

Rowen,

This is a tough one simply because it's long distance. In general, we don't encourage guys on this website to engage in long distance relationships because you can't really provide everything a girl needs to be satisfied in a relationship -- and that especially includes sex and actual face-to-face time with your girl. It's often better just to end the relationship (or at least the monogamy part) so that you can both be free to provide for each others' needs with different partners. Then you can get back together (if you want to) once you're within regular driving distance of each other.

That being said, had you given your girl the leather notebook during a dinner date and then taken her home for a great round of passionate sex, I have a feeling her reaction would have been very different. As of right now, she's placing extra emphasis on the quality of your gift because it's all she has to go off of in terms of her current situation with you. Instead of getting your body, your smile, and her body wrapped in your arms, she has a leather notebook that was given to her by you. So no matter what you do, anything you give her is trying to fill the gap of you not actually being there. That's a tough spot to be in; if you spend too much money on a gift, it comes across as supplicating and placing her on a pedestal, especially when you aren't even getting sex from her during the time. If you don't spend enough, then she feels like she isn't getting the equivalent amount of investment in return for the lack of face-time that she has with you.

Personally, I don't think your gift was bad. It sounds like you really put some thought into it, it's a personal interest of hers (drawing), and you let her know you were thinking about her on her birthday. However, how you handled her reaction afterward probably could have been tweaked a bit to make things better. I don't think you needed to apologize, so it's a good thing you didn't, but I would have provided something a little extra to let her know you do care. For example, you could mention to her, "hey babe, I really put a lot of thought into that gift for you, and I really felt that I was doing something to show that I cared about you. Just to show you that I wasn't trying to miff you in any way, I'm going to make/take you out for dinner when I see you next week. How does that sound? "

This would probably be how I would handle the situation. If she happens to not have a positive reply to this one, then let me know what she says (since your response to her after you do that is going to differ vastly depending on her response).

- Franco

 

[Rowen]

Franco,

Thank you for the thought out reply. I used your advice, albeit in a somewhat modified manner. I emailed her a video message and told her that I didn't mean to miff her in any way, and that I'd take her out to dinner when I saw her. Then, I played her a song that I had written on the guitar. She's heard it before and had mentioned that she would like me to record it and send it to her, so I figured it could be a romantic gesture.

The song might have been too much, but I'll be interested to see how it turns out. I did it partially as a test, just to stretch my romantic legs and see the reaction for the future. I'm still learning how to toe that fine line between attainable/unattainable, especially in a relationship. It is romantic to send that to a girl, but I wonder if it will come across as too chase-y or supplicating in light of the circumstances. Either way, I'll know for future reference.

I also did it because I think my girlfriend may be venturing into auto-rejection territory, due to this past weekend and the fact that I've managed to seem like the one that is less invested throughout this whole summer. If that is the case, maybe this gesture can alleviate her insecurities for now.

Thanks again,
Rowen

 

[Franco]

Rowen,

The song might have been a little much, but given that your closer to the "unattainable" side of the scale rather than the "over-attainable," I don't think it will hurt you much. Generally, it's better to have your girlfriend leaning slightly more toward the auto-rejection side of the scale and then bringing her back a bit than it is to be too needy/clingy and then trying to be aloof. The latter is usually more transparent for women and they are more readily prepared to ignore it, so it doesn't help quite as much.

Anyway, it sounds like your girlfriend at least appreciated the gesture, and I'm sure she'll be thrilled to go out to dinner with you next week. I hope it all goes well. =)

- Franco

 

[Rowen]

Thanks Franco, I think it worked out pretty well. She seemed to really like the song and is acting less aloof--we'll finish patching things up this weekend

-Rowen