Should u tell your gf to step it up in life?

[Smith]

Hey guys,

I've a friend who's recently got into pickup and self development, but more on the self development side. Here is his problem...He's in a long-term relationship with this girl, and now that he's constantly trying to push his comfort zone in all areas of his life. He's also trying to get his gf to do the same too so they can grow together, but his gf is not willing to "step up her game" and would rather stay in her comfort zone. Now he's in a dilemma because he wants to become a better person but he's afraid he'll left her behind and is having doubt if she's the right person for this part of his journey. At the same time, this girl is sweet, caring but kind of lazy to keep her life on track but it has been a wonderful relationship until now. In short, he wants to change and she doesn't...

So he and I talked, and we came up with two options
1. Keep improving himself, and see how his gf reacts to that. Maybe she'll become more attractive to him, or maybe she'll try to "poison drip" him into staying the same. If he finds himself getting dragged down by her, then it might be time to break up with her.
2. Motivate her and help her to get her life on track. He told me he sees so much potential for this girl if she just gets her life on track and be brave in getting what she wants in life, but every time he tries to motivate her, she would just make up excuses.

Any advice? Is it hopeless trying to change your partner?

I feel like it is man's job to take control in his life because that's the masculine role, and women's job to support his man. So idk, is telling women to get her life in order sort of telling her to become more masculine??....but at the same time...you don't want a girl who's not putting the work to become a better person in a relationship with you...

 

[ray_zorse]

I think it is hopeless to try to mould one's partner.

This is an area I know a fair bit about, and something I have to be careful of, because of my codependent issues in the past. Check this article which is published by the group that I currently attend. In particular the following points are relevant to your question:

Compliance Patterns

• I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others anger.
• I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
• I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.

Control Patterns

• I believe most other people are incapable of caring for themselves.
• I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
• I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
• I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.

What it boils down to, in my opinion, is once you have detected a problem, act immediately. The very fact that he's discussing it with you, means it has already reached a point where he should have acted. The fact that he hasn't is because of the following, in my opinion:

• He is over-invested in his relationship, because he's become "used" to it and complacent, and may be in scarcity.
• He doesn't want to make hard decisions, which would be irrevocable, and probably end up hurting her feelings.

One thing about abundance is that you can accept your partner as they are, because you know there is no need to try to mould them, you can get another partner. If he wants her to take some specific, concrete action such as enrolling in a particular course, sure he can discuss it with her. But saying "get motivated" is a bit hopeless.

So, the way I would look at it is, is this relationship helping me to grow and mature? And the answer, from what you've stated, is no. Therefore, he needs to break up. Taking decisive action in this way is extremely liberating. Staying in a relationship after it's no longer fun and exciting, when there are persistent issues, is co-dependent.

Ray

 

[FeelIWastedMyYouth]

not nearly as important for women to do as it is for men, mainly because men have to be the "winners" in life, meanwhile it doesn't matter if a woman is a winner or a loser, a lot of guys will still sleep with her.