Socializing Should you call a girl out ?

[RedNeck]

Hey guys,

It is more of a general question because I keep encountering this often with women I deal with either in a social circle, work, ..ect.

For example, I had a social circle girl bad mouthing me and talking shit behind my back. I am a high value in the social circle, so some of the girls defended me. I ignored her completely. When she realized she couldn't win , she is now trying to play nice and start a conversation with me and acting like nothing has happened.

Question for you guys, should I call her out ? Telling her she can't just pretend like nothing has happened,....etc. My point here is she has to know there are consequences for her action.
Or should I just let it go and forgive her.
Or Should I call her out and then forgive her ?

Note here : I am not talking about a GF who cheated on me. This girl is a just an acquaintance.

Your advice is highly appreciated.

I encounter this behavior with guys too.

 

[Dr.X]

For example, I had a social circle girl bad mouthing me and talking shit behind my back. I am a high value in the social circle, so some of the girls defended me. I ignored her completely. When she realized she couldn't win , she is now trying to play nice and start a conversation with me and acting like nothing has happened.

This only happened once in my life, so I'll answer based on my limited experience.

Question for you guys, should I call her out ?

No.
If a girl play nice with you, play nice back is good because the audience is seeing you as having social intelligence.

My point here is she has to know there are consequences for her action.
Or should I just let it go and forgive her.
Or Should I call her out and then forgive her ?

It depends on your objective with the girl. If you still want her in your life hypothetically I'd say just forget it. If you don't want her in your life as in my case just ignore her 100%, no answer call, no answer texts, only small talk if meeting in person.

 

[Derek da man]

Ask yourself why she is bad mouthing you.
1. If you've done something shitty to her then you need to own up to it and move on - although this isn't the case here.
2. If she's doing it behind your back then it is to try and increase her value - either to support her internal system and/or in the eyes of others
3. If she's doing it to your face then it's probably a test of some kind - however face to face may also be about improving her standing with you.

For example, I had a social circle girl bad mouthing me and talking shit behind my back. I am a high value in the social circle, so some of the girls defended me. I ignored her completely. When she realized she couldn't win , she is now trying to play nice and start a conversation with me and acting like nothing has happened.

based on this it sounds like she was trying to use my second point. Now this hasn't worked for her she has to try and re-build her standing by being nice and making you a friend - or at least being friendly. I certainly wouldn't be trusting her any time soon. I think @Dr.X advice above is spot on.

Your call.

 

[Chase]

@RedNeck,

In situations like this, my response is to just be polite with the person, while investing time/energy/emotion in him as little as possible.

She tried to social ladder climb over you; it didn't work; and as @Derek da man notes, she is now trying to ingratiate herself to you, realizing she can't leapfrog over you.

People like this do not actually view you as a person, friend, or ally; they view themselves in a war for social status, and as soon as she sees an opportunity to clamber up over you again, the kindly facade will drop and she'll be back to sliming you behind your back again.

What she's doing right now is trying to get you to be nice to her, so she can regain face in the group.

If you don't want to empower someone who'll throw you under the bus if she gets the chance, the best thing you can do is "polite but disinterested."

The message everyone else will pick up on is "@RedNeck isn't mean to this girl, but obviously doesn't care for her at all. He just gives her no vote of endorsement in the group." That makes her position in the group less tenable. It also makes other people question whether they want to endorse her as part of the group as well. It's also zero risk to you... if you were being actively rude to her / calling her out, you'd run the risk of other people defending her ("I know she was rude before, but maybe you should chill?"), creating division in the group.

By being polite-but-chilly toward her, you're just showing others, "I don't really consider her part of the group, but I'll tolerate her if you guys really want her around."

And they are going to have to decide if they want to keep vouching for this girl who's already worn out her welcome with one high status guy in the group.

It is generally dangerous in a social circle situation for someone to tie himself too strongly to someone who's lost favor with people higher up in the group. Doing so risks bringing disfavor on themselves as well.

So if you're high status, behaving in this way toward her may signal others in the group to ditch her (and your status-peers, if they like you, and equally recognize what she was doing and see her as a not good person to have in the group, may start doing what you're doing as well... at which point she is really out).

Sometimes when you push a person out like this, you may feel a little bad, especially when you see that she is sad and almost never invited to things anymore and is soon going to be gone completely.

But unless she specifically apologizes to you and owns up to what she did wrong before, you should presume (and this is generally a pretty safe presumption) that she isn't sad because she feels guilty, but because she got caught and has to suffer the consequences for it.

Chase