Small Talk / "Present" Conversation VS Deep Dive

[Adam101]

This is a sticking point of mine I feel I could use some guidance on. I find that if I can get rolling with a conversation I'm fine, but I have a lot of trouble opening girls up. I think the reason for this is because I'm not very good at small talk, and so I kinda launch straight into Deep Dive questions which upon reflection to me can sound a lot like "date" questions. Not ideal for bar / club game since it comes off as too serious or maybe GF hunting instead of being light-hearted and looking for a fling. I don't know how to keep a a convo going with small talk or things going on around us when I know nothing about the person and there really isn't a connection. Here's a quick convo example that happened this past week.

Girl comes up to dance with me. I bring her close to speak in her ear.

Me: And what's your name?
Girl: I'm Brianna. What's your's?
Me: Adam, it's a pleasure.

She had on this light fabric blue top which I lifted up a bit to give a closer look then I look back at her.

Me: This is a really great color on you.
Girl: Thank you!
Me: Are you from here?
Girl: No, I'm actually from (nearby city).
Me: What brought you to our fine city?
Girl: Just to party!
Me: No better reason than that!

From here a bit more dancing and then a guy friend at least claiming to be her BF stepped in and took her away. But one thing that was clear to me was this was a convo that was fizzling out and while the girl was nice she wasn't engaged. And I don't know how to get basic engagement without sounding like I'm interviewing which I know girls hate. Plus this was very much a party girl so I didn't want to drill her with "serious" questions. Any tips on how to be more engaging with small talk?

 

[Suave]

This sure is an interesting thread given the fact that I am working on the same thing as well!
Subscribed.

 

[topcat]

This sure is an interesting thread given the fact that I am working on the same thing as well!
Subscribed.

Same

 

[Lotus]

Adam,

On a fundamental level there is nothing wrong with deep diving fast. Where are you from? Why are you here are good places to start your interaction with if you want to go that route. The questions are not the problem, the problem is what do you do with the information. The point of the questions are to provide you with grounds to relate to her. When you fire back to back questions like that without relating anything to her that's when it sounds like an interview.

She had on this light fabric blue top which I lifted up a bit to give a closer look then I look back at her.

Me: This is a really great color on you.
Girl: Thank you!
Me: Are you from here?
Girl: No, I'm actually from (nearby city).
Me: What brought you to our fine city?
Girl: Just to party!
Me: No better reason than that!

Some easy tweaks:

"You: I really like your sense of style. Where did you get a shirt like that?
Her: Thank you! I got it from XXX
(if you are familiar with the store you can move the conversation that direction.... if not)
You: are you from XXX?
Her: No I'm actually from XXX

Here you need to reward her for the information by relating it back to her and you can also tease her

You: Your from XXX and you are in XXX. It must not be all that exciting if you came all this way!
Her: NO! It is but I'm visiting my friend, she lives here and I haven't seen her in a while.
You: Oh, I thought it was because we dance better in XXX.
Her: haha no, but it is fun

I bolded some of the information that you can relate back to her. There's lots of little stuff if you know what to look for. IE- she's friends with a girl from a different city so they probably went to school together or were involved in a social group of some sort. From there you can find out what they did together which then tells you what her hobbies are. relating back and using that information for the next question is what allows for smooth transitions between topics.

Hope that makes sense.

brum

 

[Adam101]

That was actually very helpful brum. Based on your tweaks I see that my issues come from making statements that "cut off" rather than invite more information. Likewise it seems that while I'm interacting with people i'm not necessarily inviting them to join in my moment / evening / life. Just as an example when she said she was in town to party I could have said something to the effect of me being the best party in town rather than just affirming her statement. I think overall I need to be more curious even if I'm genuinely not as well as offer more value with my company. Any other advice is welcome from others but I'm gonna try to apply your advice this weekend and report back.

 

[Lotus]

Just as an example when she said she was in town to party I could have said something to the effect of me being the best party in town rather than just affirming her statement

When you make such a statement with confidence and a smile it will work like a self fullfilling prohpecy and she will remember you as "that fun partier from XXX".

I think overall I need to be more curious even if I'm genuinely not, as well as offer more value with my company

I have found changing my mental approach helped with this problem. Whether you "gunuinely" care about the girl's "story" or not, we can all agree it is essential information to seduction.

I'm not sure if i can accuratley express the slight change in perspective but here it goes.

Instead of seeing the conversation as a "necssecary evil" per say, try to see the girl as a puzzle or equation that needs to be solved. Get enough out of her and you can guess things she hasn't told you(cold read). It makes the process fun and you get kudos for telling the girl something she hasn't told you. Which shows your listening and processing what she is saying.... even if you could give two shits about it.

 

[Adam101]

Well, Valentine's Day wasn't too kind to me. Nearly all the girls out were paired up so I didn't get much of a chance to practice this. However, I did have a Tinder conversation with a girl where I did not capitalize on an instance against my better judgment that turned out to be a textbook example of your advice in practice.

I found out the girl was into 90's hip hop and so I asked her the question "Tupac or Biggie?" When she said Biggie I thought to say, "Oh you must be from New York then." But instead I replied with "Ah everyone picks Biggie." only to have her tell me that yes, she was from NY. Had I taken the guess I probably would have seemed more impressive and as though I was paying attention. Looking at what I actually said though it probably came across to her as "You're just like everyone else." which is no good since every girl wants to be unique and special. Still gotta trust my instincts more. Lesson learned.

I like your advice of seeing girls I'm not into mentally / emotionally as puzzles. Cause yeah if all I want to do is sleep with a girl when she's boring me to tears it's hard to invest in the way I need to to make the most of the interaction since my brain just shuts off. Hopefully I'll create more opportunities soon and see how it goes.