So confused about sex

[13829938]

I'd love some insight on an issue I've been dealing with for a long time.

I'm not exactly sure what it is, but I think it comes from self-worth. When I'm with a girl, I feel like I'm on "thin ice". Like the smallest "mistake" I could make, would have her leave me forever. I also always have the goal to get to sex as fast as possible. Because I know when I have sex with a girl, she's really likely to stay around.

However, this puts a ton of pressure on me to have sex. When things start going in that direction, I feel so nervous, and numb.. I feel almost "dead" inside. I might get turned on, but then I think about it, and I just feel anxious instead.

I feel like this has happened to me over and over again in my life. I want to get to the bottom of it.

Relaxing around girls is so hard for me. It's crazy. When I first lost my virginity, it took me 3 times of trying with the same girl. I remember after I finally did it, I didn't enjoy it a ton (but I was glad it happened). But after, I was holding her hand. And she said it felt good to hold my hand "normal".

And that was because I was relaxed. I'd done what I felt like I "needed" to do. I'd had sex with a girl. So, I could relax.

There was another girl I saw. I tried to have sex with her for like 3 months. I just couldn't do it... I felt so anxious and tense. I remember one night, I was nervous and tense. Then she said she had to go. Suddenly, it was like I woke up... I was so fucking horny! I basically leapt on top of her. I was so turned on. And then she acted like she was willing to stay, and I got all nervous and tense again.

Finally, I took viagra. That night, I was able to have sex with her. I had sex with her a few more times with viagra. Then I moved away for a few months, and came back.

When I came back, I threw away the viagra. I didn't want to rely on that shit. The next time I saw her, I got nervous again. But, somehow I powered through it. I had sex with her, and it was the best I've ever felt about sex. I didn't LOVE it, but I definitely enjoyed it. And I didn't cum that time, so I was totally relaxed, and we fooled around a lot and just had a blast, then fucked again.

I saw her a few more times, and was totally relaxed from then on... I knew I could fuck her without viagra, and I did. Then she moved away.

This started what has now been over a year-long drought for me. I think in this year, my "game" has gotten considerably better. I don't really have approach anxiety. I've been meeting up with a lot of new girls. I've had a lot of opportunities. Also, in the past month, I've figured out a system for Tinder, where I can get meetups all the time.

But for this year, I've had this constant nagging anxiety. Basically a compulsion to have sex, but when I get in the position to actually have sex, I tense up. Then I beat myself up about it for months. I'm so afraid of being in a position to have sex, and not being able to. So whenever I'm with a girl... this shows through.

So, I don't really know what to do. I figure I'll just keep meeting girls. I do think I'm getting better... slowly. I think it's possible that if I meet enough girls, it'll be routine for me. I'll get more comfortable. And eventually, I'll even be comfortable having sex.

I know that's a possibility. For me right now, it definitely feels distant. When I go out with a girl, if it goes well, I feel this way. This has fucked up a few promising dates. Then I feel horrible, and wonder what I can even do to stop it, or work through it. After this happens, I don't really have the desire to see a new girl again for a while. But then inevitably I'll get the motivation for it again.

I know I just need to chill out. I'm trying to. I was raised in a very strict religious household. And, I was definitely the outsider in school. I think I'm still carrying all this stuff with me, plus my new realization that if I want a girl to stick around, I need to have sex with her.

Any insights, advice or new perspectives would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Franco]

Gifted,

I think your comfort will come with more experience and practice. As a matter of fact, I'll throw this at you so you can accept it and roll with it:

When I'm with a girl, I feel like I'm on "thin ice". Like the smallest "mistake" I could make, would have her leave me forever. I also always have the goal to get to sex as fast as possible. Because I know when I have sex with a girl, she's really likely to stay around.

This is actually quite true. The smallest mistake can cost you a girl. But guess what? That's the way it works for all of us.

So naturally, when we have our first several encounters with a girl that get close to sex, we get nervous. We haven't been here before. We're not sure if we CAN get another girl to this point. We start to think about not messing things up. But the only reason you are thinking this is way is that you haven't been in that position enough times to know that you can consistently get to that position again. Once you understand that the smallest mistake CAN lose you a girl, you realize that it really IS important to get as much practice as you possibly can so that you've made EVERY mistake, and you now know exactly what you need to do in every situation.

You just have to remember that every girl is going to be a learning experience for you, and every time you make specific progress with a girl, you become more comfortable with the situations you are put in. They aren't new to you. You've seen them before. You know what to do.

But the only way to get to that point is by continually doing it over and over again. And it sounds like you're on your way there:

I think in this year, my "game" has gotten considerably better. I don't really have approach anxiety. I've been meeting up with a lot of new girls. I've had a lot of opportunities. Also, in the past month, I've figured out a system for Tinder, where I can get meetups all the time.

Keep arranging those meetups, and keep pushing for sex. You want your process to become mechanical until you get to the point that you realize, "hey, I KNOW how to bed women. Who cares if the next one doesn't sleep with me? I know the one right AFTER her probably will." Your process becomes so hammered down that you don't fret over the small things because you already know that that is exactly what they are: small things. The big picture is that you know how to sleep with women, and it's only a matter of time before another one comes along who ends up in bed with you.

So the idea is to keep pushing yourself to practice. Comfort comes with practice, and before you know it, you'll probably become a sex machine. The nerves will calm down, and you'll realize you're "there." Just keep pushing, bud.

- Franco

 

[13829938]

Thanks Franco.

You're right. I know I gotta just keep going. I've definitely come a long way since I started all this.

I know if I can just get comfortable enough where the "animal" in me comes out, I'll never have problems with girls again. Or, maybe that's when I'll start having "good problems".

 

[someone]

Are you from a deeply religious background? Did you have a traumatic sexual experience when you were young? I'm no shrink, but it sounds like you could benefit from a bit of therapy for this issue friend.

 

[13829938]

Are you from a deeply religious background? Did you have a traumatic sexual experience when you were young? I'm no shrink, but it sounds like you could benefit from a bit of therapy for this issue friend.

Definitely not opposed to this.

I'm not exactly sure what the "root" is. I was raised in a deeply religious family, sex was always the worst evil. But, I outgrew that (at least I thought). Always been really nervous around girls. Losing my virginity was also a little rough. I learned some game before so the girl was not expecting me to be a virgin. She told me she had thought I was the kind of guy who could "fool around whenever he wanted".

Actually she told me later she felt like she was "raping me" because I was so nervous. A little bit exaggerated for sure. But I was really nervous.

It was pretty damn awkward. Kinda created a negative loop where after my first, I was afraid of it going like my first, so it did. Then that experience would make me afraid the next time, etc.

Any idea on what type of therapy would be effective? I've been wary, because I don't want to go someplace where they'll just nod and take my money. Also, still on my parents health insurance – not sure what they would say to sex therapy. Thanks for the comment.

 

[someone]

Hey Gifted,

I don't think you need to look into sex therapy necessarily, you could probably find a lot of benefit from going to a good therapist just to work through some of this stuff. What happens in your therapy sessions is between you and your therapist; your parents have no legal right to know what is discussed. So much of sex is in the mind, it's important that you are in the right place mentally to perform well.

 

[ray_zorse]

hey mate I've had some pretty similar experiences so you are not alone, lately had taken a slight break from game to re evaluate and had been a bit anxious about ED, and you know what, Franco is right, the anxiety does come from a feeling of scarcity, I had not picked that up. So this is a bit of an "aha" thread. Although I had already kinda decided fuck it, just do a shit ton more approaches and see what gives.

I just want to make another suggestion, well the normal advice is after you kiss her and start to get her turned on, go straight for the pussy and don't fuck around, I feel like I've been a bit aggressive in this regard and ended up with a hot wet pussy in my hands waiting for some dick, when I'm not fully turned on yet, and the anxiety just spirals from there. So instead what I've been doing is to go for more compliance by having them do stuff like taking my shirt off, caressing me, playing with my nipples, massaging me etc, and this helps to get me relaxed and in the moment, eventually I will start to get hard and have her play with me a bit and I return the favour.

This doesn't always go down well (I have been called "demanding" for instance) but this seems to be with women who are used to having the man do all the work (in & out of bed). I have been taking the view that if she wants some dick she is gonna have to earn it, and if she doesn't pass the initial test of being able to get me relaxed and in the moment then I simply move on and I don't feel that I have failed. This may be just me protecting my ego, but as Lao che said to me, you have to simply shrug off ED as basically no biggie, you're just not in the mood or whatever. Going all out for the pussy basically removes this option. Or try a Tucker Max style "you're not hot enough to get me turned on, too bad for you"... asshole. Haha.

Going by Franco's advice above, on the other hand, it may be better just to go all out every time, accepting a string of failures as the price for getting comfortable going all out every time... but this sounds a bit soul destroying/ego bruising, so I think in aid of collecting positive reference experiences, it may be better to move a bit slower as I described above, accepting that you need a slightly more experienced/open/accepting partner for the time being until you naturally become more aggressive and confident. What do others think about this?

cheers, Ray