Social circle—surprise response

[Marty]

Hey guys, hope someone can help me with this.

So last Friday evening I was at a social event... I was speaking with a guy I know quite well, who always acts nice and respectful toward me for some reason (almost deferential actually, calling me "sir" and suchlike, but with doubtful sincerity in my mind), and a lady came up and starting talking to him... they obviously hadn't seen each other in a while and it was like "Tom, where have you been?" and she kissed him on the cheek.

Now I happen to know very well that this guy Tom is gay, so I knew the greeting was purely friendly and platonic. They started chatting and I said: "Am I not going to get introduced?" in a kind of cheeky, mock-offended manner... once I was introduced I immediately asked "Do I get a kiss as well?" as more of a statement than a question, and so I got a cheek-kiss too. This was a very sassy lady who clearly knew what I was at from the word go. In fact, let's call her SassyLady. At once, I move her to a table and suggest we sit together.

So Tom dutifully disappears, we start chatting, then she goes to get a drink from the bar and says she'll be back. Moments later she is chatting with some other people over by the bar. I ignore it and start conversation with another group of people. After about fifteen minutes of this, I go over to SassyLady, touch her on the elbow and use Chase's line: "Hey babe, don't want to interrupt, I'll be sitting over there; when you're done over here, come on by". She grasps my upper arm and assures me she'll be right over.

Another half-hour goes by, then she goes to the table where I had suggested we sit, gets her purse, and walks over to talk to... yet another group of people. I infer that I misread her interest, and quietly disappear from the party.

For a week I haven't bothered to reengage her. Then I thought this morning, "what the hell?" and dropped her an email as follows:

SassyLady:

It’s unfortunate that we missed each other last Friday. I got a call from someone who needed to see me immediately.

Shall we try to remedy that next week?

-Marty

I kinda assumed she wouldn't respond, but six hours later, to my complete surprise, she comes back with:

I wondered where you ran off to. Next week is kind of crazy for me at work. Shall we try the following week?

SassyLady

Guys, now what? How do I regain the initiative here? How long should I take to respond, and should I propose a specific activity (e.g. slip out one morning for coffee)?

Thanks
-Marty

 

[PrettyDecent]

Marty,

This should have been an FR - that was absolutely fantastic!

I don't see this different than setting up any other date cold approach. Though, she did give you a pretty vague answer..personally, and if need be someone correct me, I'd just say today: "No worries, work can pile up rather quickly. Next week sounds perfect, Sassylady! We'll figure it out then". And then send her something next Sunday/Monday like "Hey Sassylady how's that schedule looking?". And if she gives a few days as options, say something like "Tuesday at 5 would be perfect! Shall we say (coffee-house) at 6?".

Of course, your English is on a different strata than mine, and you seem to have that more masculine James Bond-ish aura, so your emails are going to look a bit better than that, syntactically!

Hope that helps, my friend.
~Nick

 

[Marty]

Nick:

Thanks so much—as ever, your commentary is invaluable...

that was absolutely fantastic!

Yeah, thanks: right up until the time I walked out on her, that is! I'm not yet cool and calculating enough; I allowed my annoyance to get the better of me, foolishly. I know now what I should have done: started platonic conversation with a younger, even prettier girl who had previously rejected me (graciously) and was alone there. That might've gotten her attention, and I doubt she knows the background: though who knows, the way women gossip! Or started flirting with an older woman there who is always happy to flirt (but never to do anything more...)

But hey, she reengaged, so let's move on!

I'd just say today: "No worries, work can pile up rather quickly. Next week sounds perfect, Sassylady! We'll figure it out then".

That actually sounds pretty good to me, it strikes the right balance between casual, detached interest and an encouraging, upbeat tone. I like it!

Of course, your English is on a different strata than mine, and you seem to have that more masculine James Bond-ish aura, so your emails are going to look a bit better than that, syntactically!

Thanks, but I actually like your wording... I might play around with it a bit to suit my own style, but that's all. Yeah, while I'm not exactly what you folks down under would call a "Pom" owing to my Central European heritage, I did grow up there!

This should have been an FR

I'll save the FRs for cold approach—that'll motivate me to do more!! )

-Marty

 

[Marty]

Okay, believe it or not this month-old interaction with SassyLady (see above) is still outstanding... and we haven't even had a date yet.

Here's what happened in the interim. I'll pick up where I left off with SassyLady's note saying "I wondered where you ran off to". That exchange took place back on 10/25! The correspondence is by email:

Sun 11/3—

• 
  Marty: Hello SassyLady, I hope (XYZ event) got off to a good start. How's your calendar looking?

Fri 11/8—

• 
  Marty: Okay, SassyLady, I get the message you are a busy lady Just drop me a line when you decide you want to meet. Ball’s in your court!
  
  SassyLady: I am sorry – you have been on my list ALL week. So – the week of 11/18 – what is your schedule?
  
  Marty: Haha! who else is on your list? 11/18 is a good week for me. We can sneak out for coffee one morning, or grab a drink nearby after hours… either of those options would work for me on the Monday, Wednesday or Friday.
  
  SassyLady: I am chained here most days an exorbitant number of hours. Let’s grab coffee on Friday?
  
  Marty: “Chained”, huh? Friday 11/22 sounds good… maybe 10 AM? Let's meet at the building entrance and take it from there. I love women who force me to schedule fun two weeks in advance!

She accepts the meeting request, then yesterday 11/20 I meet her in the corridor. As per standard, I use averted body language and sidelong eye contact with a playful smile. She talks about being "chained up" again and I ask her if she likes that. She says no and I sympathize somewhat neutrally. Then as we part she says "Coffee Friday, okay?" and punches me playfully on the bicep several times.

Now this afternoon I get this:

Thu 11/21—

• 
  SassyLady: My boss called me into a meeting tomorrow—can we reschedule?

...and the suggested date is 12/6: another two weeks!! I initially accede, pushing the time back a little in view of another commitment, but a couple hours later I get the impression she is stringing me along and decide on a shutdown attempt. I figure I should only make plans to be with girls who will make time to see me, else what's the point.

I send a meeting cancellation with a note appended:

Thu 11/21—

• 
  Marty: On second thoughts, forget it.
  
  SassyLady: What happened?

How do you think I should come back? I'll leave her to brood overnight (if indeed she will do that... I rather doubt it) but I thought perhaps tomorrow I could suggest something like this:

Fri 11/22—

• 
  Marty: Tell you what, SassyLady, are you in town this weekend? I have some free time around 11.30 AM Saturday... we could grab a coffee, or a bite or whatever we deem appropriate. You down?

How does that grab you guys? I get the impression I need to seize back the initiative or she'll think I'm a pushover and lose attraction.

Thanks
-Marty

 

[Oskar]

Hey Marty, sounds like a mixture of her not being particularly invested and generally being in social butterfly/office mode in your interactions so far. Your

Marty: On second thoughts, forget it.

message sounds a bit sullen to me, too. I interpret it as a hands in the air "I give up" kind of move; sub-communicating that she has emotional sway over you and probably makes her think that you are more invested in her than she is in you. I'd move on, or at least let it cool down and let her be the one to reengage. Her seeing you being preselected by other women would be the ideal solution here.

How does that grab you guys? I get the impression I need to seize back the initiative or she'll think I'm a pushover and lose attraction.

After your clear dismissal of her it might seem odd if you were to reengage like that -- like you were uncertain and now are overinvesting. Instead of sending the "on second thoughts..." message it might have been better to go cold for a bit, or you could have said something like "no worries, but <X-circumstance> puts a time limit on you getting with me." Like you have a trip or something, or you aren't sure how long you'll be around.

If you really want to keep pursuing her proactively you could wait for a week or so to give her the chance to reengage and if she doesn't you could then reengage her, ideally in person, and act as though something she says really impresses you and you suddenly changed your mind about her and you think you should go on an informational date (if you can do it before lunch you could do a spontaneous lunch date maybe), and then set up a better chase frame and get her investing more.

If you have to text though, the text you've prepared seems as good as any in this situation, though you may want to wait a bit to send it.

Regards,
Oskar

 

[Marty]

Oskar:

Good of you to get back to me so quick.

Your message sounds a bit sullen to me, too. I interpret it as a hands in the air "I give up" kind of move;

Yeah, that's exactly right. I did get pretty exasperated how she delayed everything from 10/18 to 12/6 (7 weeks) to even have a proper conversation. Each time I'm getting close, she shifts it back another 2 weeks, it's sort of like Charlie Brown and the football if you know what I mean Perceptive of you to recognize that!

There's another dynamic at play here too, actually. I kind of intuitively feel that she considers herself "better than" me, if that makes any sense. I don't know on what grounds she would think that. Perhaps I can explain it best as follows: remember when you were in elementary school and a teacher spoke with you, you could tell from your animal senses that she thought herself superior? I often find this interplay with women, though for some reason it never appears in cold approach, only in social circle. It's annoying and I don't know what to do about it.

In reality I don't think she's actually "better than" me. It's only in her own mind. The only reason why she has less time on her hands is because I'm a notch higher in the organizational ladder and can delegate time-consuming stuff more easily. Her boss is actually a good associate of mine and I did him quite a favor once. But the fact that my work requires a lot less effort might give rise to this dynamic whereby she thinks she's awfully important because she's so busy, I can quite see how that might happen. The upshot is I've made myself way too available, enabling her to call the shots.

I'm not sure what I'll do; Chase always says you can't make a woman attracted by talking to her, so a coffee date seems pretty pointless as we wouldn't do much else other than talk, unless I tried to kiss her on the way to or from. Post-office drinks would be far better from that perspective, but the attraction expiration clock is ticking and she seems content to let it tick on regardless, so my hands are kind of tied.

That's why I figured it would be best if I dropped it and freed up mental capacity for worrying about other girls, although it seems a pity in a way.

-Marty