Social circle rules

[Searcher]

I am having difficulty in being part of social circles as in having people like me or pay more attention to me.

1) I have been trying to be complementary to people whenever they share something that is exciting and also challenge people in a fun way.

2) As far as interaction goes, I am enthusiastic and loud and will make sure to ask people questions about themselves and share my own experiences,

however for some reason I can sense people aren’t as enthusiastic as me and many times get disinterested.

(?)
many times I have seen that in group situations people lock onto one person and pelt that person with questions and other times its like an ingroup of 2 people forms within the larger group, where they are conversing amongst themselves ignoring the other members of the group. (At that moment I try to make conversation with people who are ignored).

I am curious to know what are some group conversation rules and are there any faux passes that I need to keep in mind?
(You can speak from your own experience about some which used to do before but aren’t doing now).

 

[Zoro]

I am having difficulty in being part of social circles as in having people like me or pay more attention to me.

I think having these as the goals in mind will cause one to act needy, which will make people like you less and pay less attention to you.

Instead of thinking "How can I get them to like me?" shift into a whole different strategy, "What do I like about these people?"

You might find you don't really care about them, and then your whole energy shifts and people might pick up on that and then try to impress you. Or you find a new social circle more aligned with your interests.

Or better, you find interesting things about people that you like and bring up those qualities in conversation which is a great way to get people talking and appreciating you noticing them.

Next is providing value. Don't do it to serve yourself. Do it to serve the whole group, the vibe, the experience. My friends that are very well liked, they do things like host parties and events, uplift and compliment people genuinely, further the common goals of the group.

For instance, I hang out with a lot of ambitious and adventurous people. We tend to like to go on adventures and want to build businesses. I have friends that put on self-development events that are also a bit of a party, and another friend organizes renting a cool airbnb with a bunch of people in cool places.

As for conversation, you probably already know about deep diving. What you might be doing those is just asking questions and not really keeping an ear out for "the topic". Most people have a topic that really gets them going, and that can take some fishing and time. Just keep it light hearted and not like an interview, just making comments and bringing up your own interests that are relevant. Remember you're not trying to impress people, you're trying to find the common interest between you two. "Wow you're into XYZ? I've always admired people who did that" (this works best if that is your genuine reaction).

 

[Alpha13SC]

As @J Wick said, think about what makes you valuable and what type of value do you bring into the group. Because at the very basic level, you can summarize to this. Are you the spirit of the party? The guy with the jokes? This are just some example.

But more than that, it s about the internal value that you see in yourself. Things like self esteem, courage, having balls and speaking facts/doing what you want unapologetically, self confidence aka trusting in yourself that you re able to do the things that you want and so on creates a good self image. And a good self image will shape your behavior. And others will pick that up and treat you accordingly.

So instead of asking yourself what you should do to be included in the cool kids group, the answer is: become a cool kid. Otherwise you ll violate the Law of Least Effort and come across as try hard.

Alpha13SC

 

[Zoro]

But more than that, it s about the internal value that you see in yourself. Things like self esteem, courage, having balls and speaking facts/doing what you want unapologetically, self confidence aka trusting in yourself that you re able to do the things that you want and so on creates a good self image. And a good self image will shape your behavior. And others will pick that up and treat you accordingly.

This is a big part of it.

When I was a kid I had close friends, but I always felt like an outsider because we shared different values and different interests. So it affected my confidence and influence within that circle.

Once I broke away and started choosing my friends more carefully as an adult, I realized a big part of a good social circle is having a life of your own. I've met the best people and girls in my life through my passions. Having a vision that you are working on, and friends that share that vision, creates a lot of value on its own. You can relate to each other more deeply and you have confidence in your own life.

For instance, one of my best friends I met while traveling and decided to go to a language exchange event. I love languages, travel, and game. Well so did this guy, we met because we were both in our elements doing what we loved, and we instantly hit it off. We provide a lot of value to each other just doing our own things. We help each other with languages, game advice, and travel plans. He would also fit perfectly in my social circle back home since my other friends also share similar values and vision for life... except dude lives on another continent. Someday I'll bring him to the gang or the gang to him.

My childhood friends don't care at all about travel, languages, or learning game. You can see how there is a big disconnect in values and vision.

 

[ulrich]

@Sully, this is just my opinion but I don’t feel you’re doing anything bad.
I think that what you are describing is typical interactions among people who tend to be shy or reserved.

I have hanged a lot around engineers and other kind of people who tend to be shy and you see these kind of situations where people are waiting for their turns and they never come because a couple of guys/girls take the spotlight and feel comfortable in it while most of the rest are kinda avoiding it.

More than thinking of rules and what is correct/incorrect, I would suggest you think of group interactions as “flow” driven.

What can you do to make people excited and social? Make it flow!!
You’re already doing some of these things but instead of focusing on who is doing the talking and who is not, focus on injecting some energy to the group and do your part (and some more) to reach critical mass where everybody can’t help but keep interacting and having fun.