Stale Mate

[pioneer25]

Hey all, I need some help with this one girl who I've been going back and forth with for a while. Started back at the end of January - we met, hit it off everything was great but she turned around a few days in saying 'she's never felt a connection like this and found someone she's so comfortable around and that scares her so she wants to be just friends'. I naturally questioned it and we both agreed to disagree. From then onwards we grew pretty close, she'd call me on her drive back from work everyday, text till we both fell asleep and would meet for coffee every other day in addition to our regular Friday night date nights. We grew pretty close and the signals were very mixed but nothing more happened. Jumping ahead to Valentines day we went out and she told me a guy at work gave her a massive valentines day gift basket addressed to her and her mom to which I naturally questioned. She told me not to fret it since me and her were just friends so I called her out on her shit and told her that this isn't how friends behave. The next day I flew off on a business trip to Asia and she flew off to Chicago (my home town). The day I was leaving she blew up my phone with 3 phone calls and 10 texts trying to talk to me before I left and I screened it all. 3 days later I got a massive collection of emails asking me what was up to which I casually brushed it all off.

When I got back we met up and she called me out on it and I told her to relax since we're just friends to which she told me 'oh so I'm just a friend to you now!'... The following Friday night she talked about wanting to move out to America so she wouldn't have to be too far out from me, or alternatively get a new job close to where we work now so she wouldn't have to be so far out. We talked about our relationship and she told me that unless she has to deal with her emotions she won't and I asked her to give us some serious consideration and take it as it comes and she agreed....

The next monday she dropped the bombshell she wants to move to Australia for work since America would require her to retrain so I called her out on her crap and said what exactly is going on with us because I want to be in a stable relationship with you - and she said we're just friends to which I responded - either we move forward with our relationship or this is it.... She told me that was it - I stayed cool and calm and she was the one yelling. That night she messaged me telling me she had some £10 ornament I had bought that day and wanted to know how to get it to me and I ignored it and flew back to Chicago the next day.

The following week she went into work on her day off to spend 5 hours in the OR with my dad (she voluntarily picked that shift otherwise they never work together), and then that same Saturday spent the night hanging out with my parents at a dinner party (where she met my mom for the first time). She then texted me that night and apologised for yelling and told me she'd only ever see us as friends etc to which I said that's fine, you know where I am when you change your mind. She asked me about this ornament and I told her I'll let her know.

4 days later she asks me again and I told her I'll let her know, and she flipped out when she found out I didn't see her the day I got back. The next day I told her to leave it with her boss and I'll collect it from him. 2 weeks go by and she never dropped it off so I asked her to either drop it off with him or just sort it out with me later and 2 days later she flipped it on me and gave me the same options back to which I responded, meet me for dinner on the 15th and give me this £10 ornament.... It's now been 5 days and still nothing.

What my question is what is going on with this girl and why does she care so much about this damn ornament, and what exactly should be my next play since this has been going on for way too long?

I genuinely like this girl, and it seems like she's just a massive flirt and is craving the attention, but it's hard to tell if she might just be confused or what. Any and all help would be great!

 

[Marty]

Pioneer,

It is very unclear from your writing what is the nature of your relation with the woman.

Is this someone you have been sleeping with regularly for several months, and now tension is arising because of long-distance obligations, and you're trying to weigh whether to keep the relationship going and sacrifice professional opportunities on either side, or give up on the relationship and each follow your separate course?

thanks
-Marty

 

[pioneer25]

Actually no we started dating, haven't slept together and her decision to leave etc was based on a spontaneous whim for an adventure, it actually has no professional benefits for her in anyway. Up until that week long conversation about her wanting to leave and me asking her where were going she was actually prepared to stick around in town because of me and her family... She made the decision to go abroad for a year out of nowhere.

We both know each other through multiple avenues, like the same professional circles and her boss is a close friend of mine.

 

[Marty]

Okay. Let's slow down and take stock for a moment.

So... you haven't slept with her, she's not in any sense "yours", and yet by your own account you criticized her for accepting a Valentine's gift from another man? A little incongruous, no?

At risk of stating the obvious, an (I assume) attractive girl who is not currently in any sort of relationship likely receives attention from multiple men. If you had started a sexual relationship, and then gone one step further and committed to exclusivity, it might be a different matter, but even in that case I would regard your "calling her out" as a possessive overreaction. Showing that you feel threatened by natural displays of affection from competing men, even within a relationship, is from the perspective of an in-demand, heterosexual woman a reliable indicator of weakness and insecurity. Outside of a relationship, it's a dead giveaway that you believe your own options are severely limited.

This is a girl whom you know from professional and social circles and who by definition has no intimate ties to you. If you want my honest opinion, I think you've scared her away with your show of jealousy and wounded pride. Think of it from her point of view. "If he's like this now, when we haven't even DONE anything yet, just imagine how he'll be if I DO get intimate with him!"

Forgive me my directness.

-Marty

 

[pioneer25]

seems legit. Thanks Marty!

 

[pioneer25]

but Marty... After that valentines incident, she chased after me. She blew up my phone and wanted to know why I stopped talking to her when I backed off. When I reassured her she then asked for re-validation and when we both got back to London she then called me out on it and asked how I could say we're more than just friends, and she verified that there was more to us than being just friends the Friday after we had got back.... All of this was after Valentines day. We had returned back to normal after Valentines day.

We both stopped talking after she decided she wanted to move to Australia and I asked her where our relationship stood. I told her I can't be just friends so either we move forward or call it a day and in a fit of rage and yelling she said fine we won't talk. It was after that she stormed off - then actively went out of her way to spend time with both of my parents who didn't know we were seeing each other and then she made contact with me to apologise, reiterate her old statement and then try and give me back this £10 ornament.

Since we said our good byes via text 3 weeks ago she has made repeated attempts to contact me about this damn ornament (which I don't even want or need) and when I gave her peaceful ways to get it back to me via her boss, or giving it to the front desk at work she repeatedly would text me after a few days saying 'I haven't remembered to do it yet' before finally telling me 'you have 2 options either 1) i meet you and give it to you, or 2) you pray that i remember to drop it off one of these days.' To which I said fine, I'm busy all week, meet me next week for dinner and give it to me then.

That's the last I heard from her and spoke to her and that was 5 days ago. I've made no effort to get back in touch since she walked off - she's been the one reaching back with this £10 ornament using it as an excuse to stay relevant.

That's what I'm trying to make sense of, what's her deal and what would be the next move?

Any help Marty?

 

[pioneer25]

I mean why bother longing out giving me back this cheap thing and coax me into meeting you in person, only to not actual respond when I suggest meeting up.

 

[Michelangelo]

I mean why bother longing out giving me back this cheap thing and coax me into meeting you in person, only to not actual respond when I suggest meeting up.

Hey pioneer25,

I believe it's rather simple why she keeps trying to reconnect with you by trying to give you that ornament...

It's because people don't like losing things that they've become accustomed to. She's gotten used to the daily calls and texts from you and you always being there for her. However, the problem is that it was always as a friend. She's not going to want to give up the valuable asset of you as a friend, where there's a potential of things not going well and her losing a friend, just to become intimate with you. Especially, after you shown that you're probably a little insecure by throwing a fit about the Valentines gift (while not even being in a relationship with her!).

She's going to try her hardest to try to keep you as her friend. And you have her chasing you, but it's to keep you as a friend. It may seem like she keeps making attempts to reconnect with you to be with you, but she is actually just trying to reconnect with you to keep you as that friend... and nothing more. She's said it many times, she just thinks of you two as friends.

Good luck,
Michelangelo

 

[Michelangelo]

Also she didn't respond because that text was an ultimatum for a date. And she's not going to agree to a date if she just wants to be friends.