Starting to land in friend-zone, abandon ship, or change my game?

[Anonymous]

Hi im new.. age 18-23 (young, student age)

Looking for outside perspective at a critical juncture in the game.

As I am a noob, only just started reading these awesome articles, and have been able to identify my critical errors:

-I failed to escalate when lights were green, on several occasions
-I tried using conversation, and verbal flirtation to get her to like me, and it worked, but not enough touch and physical interaction so the attraction factor is missing/needs to be built

situation breakdown in a nutshell
-I've become emotionally invested and utterly infatuated
-I told her I really like her
-we hangout literally every time she has spare time, she's a student, so literally every weekend since we met in september.
-we have like conversations of "deep diving" for literally like hours on end into the night, really getting to know each-other on a level I never thought possible with another human to be honest..

after hanging out with her like the 9-12th time, when I told her I really like her and needed to know if she felt the same way, she finally told me she's started seeing a guy in the summertime, and he moved away for school. and that she's confused and misses him, and keeps thinking of him., yet loves being around me and wants to continue hanging out.. "as friends" ... yet when ever we hang out, (especially since i told her I like her) shes showing more and more signs of interest in me, things like leaning into me, always getting close.. all her body language and interaction says "YES" -- BUT -- her words say otherwise--

I don't want a girl who would cheat on her man, so i never escalate it.. is this a bad choice?

last time we hung out she was saying she's sexually frustrated that she has wait another month for him to return, looking at me with hungry eyes inviting me into her home, (in girl language that means she wants me to lay her.. because shes hot and bothered and really enjoyed hanging out with me that night.)

but unfortuatly her parents were home, and shortly after she started doubting her choice to bring me in, feeling the guilt.. and then went on to say "lets just be friends" and that she's not sexually interested in me. (which is her way of trying to push me away, but shes always showing signs that she's is sexually interested.) I failed to close the deal, because I didn't know if I should, because she's confused, and not single..and her parents were in the other room and there was no door I could close.

i feel like I made a critical error and I may just need to abandon ship now. that she says she just wants to be friends..

I really honestly like her and every-time we're around eachother we always have a great time, never a dull moment, and i've never hung with a girl as deep, and sweet and genuine as her..
My interest is not just looking to get laid, I know I could have if i wanted to already.. but I really see a great potential for an dynamite relationship.

She's spent so much time with me she's very emotionally invested and is "afraid to lose me as a friend"

first of be honest: am I asking on the wrong fourm because my intent is relationship, and not just getting laid?

I know for a fact If I keep in touch with her, yet keep my distance.. then years later.. when this boy she's seeing is gone, she'll have grown alot and would come to realize how much "being around me was like no one shes ever met before", and she'll want to be in a relationship with me..I know if I wait around for her as she gets to fool around with this boy, while staying in the friend zone, then my chances become zero.. so should I just abandon ship? stop contacting her much at all? and contact her years later when she becomes available?

It'll be a rather big thing because right now we've been texting and calling like almost every day pretty much since we started hanging out.

It seems the game has ended from my perspective, but a little part of me still has a naive hope that theres still a chance..

Thats the story! Please now show me how I'm a huge, clueless noob! I wish to see the holes in my broken logic, and possible solutions, if any at all.

 

[Doctor]

I will give you my view on this, if you like, but I am no expert!

Sounds to me like she is just keeping you as a back-up. I think it is a natural instinct with girls, they don't do it to be mean, but it isn't exactly a nice thing for us guys to be in that situation. At least, not in my experience it isn't.

What you have to ask yourself is are you happy carrying on being just platonic with her? If you are then by all means keep doing what you are doing. If you are not, then it seems it's time to give her a choice; either keep you around as a lover, or not at all.

Sounds harsh but it's the only way I can see to get you away from 'treading water' like you currently are.

I had this same situation once and I gave her the ultimatum. She said she didn't see me that way and I haven't spoken to her since. Seems harsh but I can now spend my spare time with girls who ARE interested in me in 'that way' and believe me, it's much more productive

Hope this helps.
- Doctor

 

[mountaingoat]

Actions matter, words do not. How something is said is more important than what is said. Ive seen that said here, in a study of flirting and human interaction, and in a study about apology (saying nothing is better than a fake apology!)

Just because there is a goalie at the net, does not mean you cant score. Ive been in situations where a girl with a boyfriend seems to be showing interest and I said nah nah, thats not right, just like you. After reading articles here, I thought "If Im awesome and he is a douche, then why not." And also that its not really that bad. If a girl cheats on you, as Chase I think says, then you werent doing things right and just move on. Its all about controlling your emotions. You probably missed your best windows by being hesitant, but I think its always possible, but can be difficult. Dont feel guilty about it, go for it, and make sure you leave her room to say no and call it off. Play hard to get with her. I forget the article I got this from, but its actually a great idea. Then she has to make the choice to keep going.

It may be best to move on, however. And start seeing other people. Maybe even 'forget' to text or call her. Make her come back for you. Ive started playing girl games with girls and it seems to drive them nuts and is a lot of fun. There are 3,500,000,000 women on Earth. She is just one of them. And once you start internalizing that, each new experience wont affect you much and you can stay in control and hold back your emotions until your new is secured. You may not see the next one now and think she is the one, but I can assure you there is no perfect mate, you only feel that way after a lot of investment. It can be weird what happens: when you give up on one girl and feel hopeless, another one (or several) pop out of nowhere. I have had that happen multiple times this year. Its like they all know when their turn is. And when one comes, shows interest, dont hesitate, just escalate. Dont be picky, be sticky. hahaha rhymes. ...if that is ok with you. Most authors here advocate polyamory and not everyone is into that, so its something to think about. Find your balance. I am still struggling with the great debate between having only a very few partners in my life and being able to brag about success with women, but is that really something to brag about in the long haul? I have no idea.