Starting to question Gay Friend's motives

[Hue]

Wassup guys.

So I work in an area with a high concentration of the LGBT community and I'm friends with quite a few gays, lesbians, and pansexuals. I love some of these guys and girls. When I first started working there, it was apparent how attracted some of the gay guys were to me (I was the new hot guy). As time has gone on there've been a few incidences of some of my gay coworkers coming onto me (three total). I laughed it off and shot them down, though one of the times I was quite disgusted.

Somewhat more recently, I've become pretty good friends with one of them. It started out we would just see eachother at the bar, then he kept messaging me on instagram, then inviting me to cool events and shit. All fine by me. He was pretty cool and also it helped a lot with preselection. And I got to see into a lot of female / dick lover psychology by being in his company and with other girls.

But in the past 3 months or so there have been multiple times that he's gotten upset with me, jealous of other gay guys, and made subtle or not so subtle advances on me. He's word for word said shit like "I'm your only gay friend, not [other guy]", or texted me "why didn't you text me", etc. One time he put his head on my lap when we were watching tv after a party because he let me sleep on his couch, and I wasn't exactly cool with it, but kinda saw it the same way as if an unattractive female coworker did the same thing so I didn't make a big deal out of it.

Most recently we were at a work party and I was fucking trashed (this day is high on plausible deniablity for hookups and I have a FR coming for it) and he kept sending shots my way and trying to drag me along with him, and at one point isolate me. In my drunken stupor I kept taking them, but also in my drunk haze I saw the concerned looks from my coworkers as he kept doing it. Though, that could have just been a look of concern from me being so drunk.

Now, he could just have been having a good time, but with all this combined I kinda get the sense he's trying to fuck me or sees me in a way that isn't just a friendship - as I do. Similar to how a low value guy will get friendzoned by a hot girl, the guy always has hopes that one day maybe things will work out. If that's what's going on I need to set clear boundaries with him because in the past few days I've thought about it and it makes me rather uncomfortable.

At the very least he's being an annoying friend by becoming needy and jealous of my attention, right? In the past I've kinda written that behavior off as "gay guys / girls are just sensitive", but now it's getting to a point that I'm not welcoming time spent with him. Whether that's the case or not I find myself wanting to spend less and less time with him, because the closer we become as friends the weirder his antics become.


Thoughts?


Hue

 

[Franco]

Hue,

I made one friend in college that was hyper sexual (and closet bisexual). Shortly after I met him we actually ended up tag-teaming the same girl together one night when we were all super hammered. Ever since that happened, he was always obsessed with me (and my dick) and would always try to invite me over under the context of "tag-teaming some ho" -- I've never quite met a guy like him. He's like the horniest person I've ever seen on this planet, lol.

Anyway, he started to become more sexual with me and would always talk about how chicks loved my cock and he was the "length" and I was the "width", and he even offered to suck my dick at one point... so obviously things were going a bit too far for my taste.

That being said, I got laid QUITE often around him because he was extremely outwardly sexual, and his non-chalance toward being that way tend to make women at first be uncomfortable but then become horny and comfortable (especially with alcohol). So I got a handful of lays just by going to his little "hangout" sessions at his place. So I kept going.

However, his sexual advances on me became more aggressive over time as well. I eventually just had to start distancing myself from him because it was getting to the point where he would start to "pretend" to be inviting girls over (or maybe he did, but they never confirmed) and he would just want me to come over regardless of whether or not there were women there. And then he would always have us drink and he started to put on porn and even masturbate... pretty weird shit, lol.

Anyway, bottom line was I realized I had to pull away from him a bit. I started only accepting offers to hang out that were beneficial to me -- as in I KNEW there were chicks with him that were interested in me and that I could possibly get laid from. If I had any inkling that it was just him wanting me to come over without chicks, I would bail. For awhile, I actually just stopped hanging out with him by "being busy" (like girls do with orbiters) because it seemed like he was wanting to see me all the time -- with or without girls.

He doesn't live in my area anymore, but he still hits me up when he comes into town to try to see me. I generally just play it cool through texts and try to see if he actually has a girl with him (NOTE: he usually sends me something like "Yo I'm in town this weekend, want to tag team my girl?") If I can't get any evidence that he's with a girl, then I just kind of get out of it and say I can't make it. Although whenever he provides actual proof, I'm actually open to it simply because he would sometimes have pretty hot girls with him and he'd almost always let me fuck them, either in isolation or in some group play format.

So I think you have to make a choice here: how much value are you getting out of him, in what environments do you get to have that value, and how frequently are you okay with hanging out with him? If you cut back hanging out with him, he'll probably cut back on his aggressiveness with you. He also might cut you off too. But if the value he provides isn't worth all the drama and awkwardness, then it's probably better to just pull back and subtly let him know you aren't like "BFFs" and you're cool with hanging with him only when you feel like it and when he's not being too "affectionate" with you. So, ultimately, just make sure you know what your boundaries are and only hang out with him as long as you know the hangout will be within those boundaries.

That would be my advice. Hope it helps!

- Franco

 

[Mr.Rob]

@Franco, thats a pretty crazy story lol.

Setting boundaries with gay friends/acquaintences is important from beginning. Ive made the mistake of letting gay guys "get away" with seemingly harmless flirtation stuff and just tell them to keep their shorts on or brush it off. But this has led to them trying to push their advances further and then its awkward to figure out how to put them in their place.

These days I just treat gay men like any other man I'd hang out with and use the same lens that I'd view a relationship with any other guy friend. Makes it less confusing that way (your stuck in this weird grey zone of do I treat him like a man or a woman?) and I'm not really trying to hang out with overly fruity men anyway.

That being said there are definitely some cool gay dudes that respect boundaries from the get go and those are really the only types I'll be open to be around these days. So many gay dudes are on some trying to convert you type shit while still "being your friend" and those dudes can go can go choke on a dick, cuz that aint "friendly" imo.

Sounds like your on the right mindset to distance yourself at this point. Good luck

 

[Hue]

Franco,

I made one friend in college that was hyper sexual (and closet bisexual).
He's like the horniest person I've ever seen on this planet, lol.

A real uh.. go getter eh?

Anyway, he started to become more sexual with me and would always talk about how chicks loved my cock and he was the "length" and I was the "width", and he even offered to suck my dick at one point... so obviously things were going a bit too far for my taste.

Yea, yikes lol.

That's pretty nuts, all around hahaha.

Anyway, bottom line was I realized I had to pull away from him a bit. I started only accepting offers to hang out that were beneficial to me -- as in I KNEW there were chicks with him that were interested in me and that I could possibly get laid from. If I had any inkling that it was just him wanting me to come over without chicks, I would bail. For awhile, I actually just stopped hanging out with him by "being busy" (like girls do with orbiters) because it seemed like he was wanting to see me all the time -- with or without girls.

He doesn't live in my area anymore, but he still hits me up when he comes into town to try to see me. I generally just play it cool through texts and try to see if he actually has a girl with him (NOTE: he usually sends me something like "Yo I'm in town this weekend, want to tag team my girl?") If I can't get any evidence that he's with a girl, then I just kind of get out of it and say I can't make it. Although whenever he provides actual proof, I'm actually open to it simply because he would sometimes have pretty hot girls with him and he'd almost always let me fuck them, either in isolation or in some group play format.

Okay so you started to put into place some reinforcement that shows your conditions to hanging out with him.

What are some ways that he would show evidence? And, did you smoothly suggest he show you evidence or would you leave that up to him, assuming he now understands the "situation" ?

So I think you have to make a choice here: how much value are you getting out of him, in what environments do you get to have that value, and how frequently are you okay with hanging out with him? If you cut back hanging out with him, he'll probably cut back on his aggressiveness with you. He also might cut you off too. But if the value he provides isn't worth all the drama and awkwardness, then it's probably better to just pull back and subtly let him know you aren't like "BFFs" and you're cool with hanging with him only when you feel like it and when he's not being too "affectionate" with you. So, ultimately, just make sure you know what your boundaries are and only hang out with him as long as you know the hangout will be within those boundaries.

Honestly, this is a great set of general questions to consider with most people you hang out with - as there's so many possibilities with types of value in different environments.

It's kind of interesting with the discrepancies in the "advances".

With the other gays I know that have made sexual advances and gotten rejected they're totally cool now. It was weird for a moment but now they know I'm off the menu lol. They know I'm straight and now we can joke and make sexual comments to each other all the time no big deal. But their advances were sexual, not affectionate.

With him, since it's been more subtle and a slowly building affectionate behavior and no full on sexual advances, you start getting this BFF / boyfriendy behavior. To make matters worse I recently found out there was a rumor floating around that we were screwing, and I came to find out that a number of people thought this to be true despite not a single person confirming it with me - they all thought I'd been "converted" bisexual (potentially in part from many of them knowing me as a horny guy as it is, and how the service industry tends to be with relationships).



Rob,

Setting boundaries with gay friends/acquaintences is important from beginning. Ive made the mistake of letting gay guys "get away" with seemingly harmless flirtation stuff and just tell them to keep their shorts on or brush it off. But this has led to them trying to push their advances further and then its awkward to figure out how to put them in their place.

These days I just treat gay men like any other man I'd hang out with and use the same lens that I'd view a relationship with any other guy friend. Makes it less confusing that way (your stuck in this weird grey zone of do I treat him like a man or a woman?) and I'm not really trying to hang out with overly fruity men anyway.

That being said there are definitely some cool gay dudes that respect boundaries from the get go and those are really the only types I'll be open to be around these days. So many gay dudes are on some trying to convert you type shit while still "being your friend" and those dudes can go can go choke on a dick, cuz that aint "friendly" imo.

In an environment like mine where it's somewhat up in the air as to someone's sexual alignment I think that a lot of people like to play guessing games as to what someone is, and not take what people say at face value. Especially at most of our age's, many people are experimenting too which gives some guys an "avenue" to have you try it out.

It is kind of annoying that what for me is 100% harmless flirtation to some is evidence that I might be becoming converted or showing my true colors, or something. Though, I really can only put it on me for coming off that way to them since I know this.

The thing with treating them as guys / girls is hard because.. when I treat the fruitier types like guys, they don't seem to like it or make as good of conversations. When I treat them as "girls with dicks" they're much more natural in how we socialize. And I personally, do enjoy hanging out with these flamboyant types sometimes - I've met many that are hilarious and very witty.


I think what I might do in my work environment is switch some of the flirting into more of a "keep it in your pants" kind of frame instead of being directly sexual with my jokes/banter. This way I can remain congruent in my playful sexual nature without giving the wrong idea.


Hue

 

[Franco]

What are some ways that he would show evidence? And, did you smoothly suggest he show you evidence or would you leave that up to him, assuming he now understands the "situation" ?

It kind of depended what mood I was in when I would receive the random text from him. If I was pretty horny and was thinking that maybe he would have a hot girl, I would tell him to send me pics or videos, and sometimes I would even ask him to have her call me so I could talk dirty to her and she could get to know me. He never ever had a girl call me (sketch) and said he couldn't send videos to me (more sketch), so the most I ever got was pics. And even the pics of the girl looked sketch and possibly ripped from Google or Instagram.

I would generally just use my own judgment -- if you prod a guy enough, you can generally get your answer by seeing how much he avoids giving any type of solid proof. There were plenty of times where I was texting him and he seemed to avoid providing any concrete proof that should otherwise be easy to provide, so I would just avoid the risk and not hang out with him, lol.

With him, since it's been more subtle and a slowly building affectionate behavior and no full on sexual advances, you start getting this BFF / boyfriendy behavior. To make matters worse I recently found out there was a rumor floating around that we were screwing, and I came to find out that a number of people thought this to be true despite not a single person confirming it with me - they all thought I'd been "converted" bisexual (potentially in part from many of them knowing me as a horny guy as it is, and how the service industry tends to be with relationships).

Gotcha... yeah, that's rough. I never brought the aforementioned guy around any of my other friends for this reason -- whenever I hung out with him, it would just be me and his separate social circle. This helped me keep things very discreet in my own life and not have it mix with my inner social circle. So that's another option: just don't mix these types of guys in with your inner social circle so you don't get things like rumors spreading around.

Anyway, like you re-iterated, make sure you know what your own boundaries are so that you aren't putting yourself in situations where you have to deal with his behavior. Or, if it seems impossible, just stop hanging out with him less and see if he gets the idea. He might become upset, but at the end of the day, it's either he's upset or you are upset...

- Franco

 

[Hue]

It kind of depended what mood I was in when I would receive the random text from him. If I was pretty horny and was thinking that maybe he would have a hot girl, I would tell him to send me pics or videos, and sometimes I would even ask him to have her call me so I could talk dirty to her and she could get to know me. He never ever had a girl call me (sketch) and said he couldn't send videos to me (more sketch), so the most I ever got was pics. And even the pics of the girl looked sketch and possibly ripped from Google or Instagram.

Ah, word.

Sounds like a sweet set up in theory, sucks to hear it wasn't playing out that way.

This helped me keep things very discreet in my own life and not have it mix with my inner social circle. So that's another option: just don't mix these types of guys in with your inner social circle so you don't get things like rumors spreading around.

Yea I mean, this being my current work circle (though I might be leaving soon) it's kind of unavoidable lol. With this group I'm a minority as a heterosexual male which, while serving as a great opportunity to make observations and meet girls / leverage social proof and preselection, comes with it's own weaknesess.

He might become upset, but at the end of the day, it's either he's upset or you are upset...

Truth.


Thanks for the insightful reply Franco, much appreciated.

Hue

 

[Mr.Rob]

Ya I know what you mean man, in the past I've been fun and playful in engaging the gay energy as well but I found with the guys that dont naturally respect boundaries (and have the "convert" straight dudes mindest) the waters get too murky and I no longer really engage that shit anymore. I'll be casually and cool social but keep them at arms length OR dominate them socially so they won't feel comfortable trying you in front of others (thats the real issue is when gay dudes go a step too far in front of your social circle and if you dont do anything you look like a bitch but if you check him on it you catch flak from PC police). Had that happen b4.

Anyway your situation is definitely different working in close proximity.

Congrats on tribal elder btw. Good shit man, once I get my shit together and get back in the game y'all best watch out I'll be right behind ya in no time.