Hey, I decided to post something on here, because i have for all my life had several issues relating to my stuttering; this site has helped me understand a lot of them
A bit of background, i have stuttered since i was a child. I highly suspect it was because of a concussion i had when i was 1 (my big brother hit me in the head with a baseball bat). And thus my chances of curing it are severely small, though it does happen from time to time that i have periods where i almost can't say anything, and then i will have periods where i feel so confident that i nearly don't stutter at all. On top of that i am a 6'7 tall guy, a bit on the chubby side but fairly fit also, and i am definitely not a stranger to women, although i do have a few aggravating issues that severely limit my potential, both in women but also generally in my career, in my school and generally my social life.
1. Congruence / dual personality.
People don't expect a 6'7 tall non-fat guy to stutter. From men i quite often experience severe auto-rejection from them, i suspect this is due to them feeling their masculinity is threatened by me. Being overprotective towards their girlfriends, bragging to me a lot, insulting me for no reason, these are common among many interactions i have with men, and i understood them quite early because, well, i am a man myself. But where the stutters comes in is that when i have my confident periods, these tendencies skyrocket, but when i for some reason have a period where i can barely say anything, people act very strangely around me, because they notice the difference of my demeanor. eg: This is the guy who was able to take Sophie home after 15 minutes conversation and now he barely says a thing without stuttering?? Any stutterer will tell you this, we kind of have a dual personality based on which "period" we are currently in. Do we feel confident? Do we not? If you meet me now i might be totally different if i am in a good period than if you meet me next week where i just had a bad run-in with a shopkeeper where i felt embarassed in front of a lot of people because i wasn't able to say what i wanted to say.
2. Consistency
This is linked to point number 1, and is quite possibly the worst part of being a stutterer, because this is the ultimate effect it has on your life. Everyone has an off-day, but for me these off-days are EXCEEDINGLY aggravating. They can come, and stay, for 3 months at a time and sometimes the effect they have on you are that you are unable to hold a conversation for 2 minutes, not because you don't know what to say, but because you are physically unable to say it. I can't explain to you why this happens, it just does. My social-life is thus very spiky and inconsistent. I have had periods where i would have a very vibrant social life, and periods where i would not meet a single new person for 3 months, besides perhaps shopkeepers..
3. Very aggravating approach anxiety.
A lot of people who stutter will nod their head solemnly to this. I touched on this before but it deserves a column of its own. I understand here that a lot of people on here have approach anxiety that is related to the fear of rejection, or not knowing what to say, or lack of belief in their ability and not wanting to look bad. I have talked with a lot of people who had this, and i used to have this fear also, albeit shortly. I beat it by putting myself in a situation where i KNEW women would harshly reject me. Like saying "Hey baby, you looking for trouble tonight?". There is something about having girls slap you or spill their drink on you on purpose that hardens you to this, it helped me overcome this fear, and also boosted my confidence and sense of masculinity a lot, because keeping your frame in the face of extreme adversary can be quite empowering... This never really cured myself of the biggest approach anxiety i had though, which is related to my stutter. It has several aspects. For one, as a stutterer, your feeling of comfort in the situation is directly linked to how much you stutter. And the most uncomfortable situation you can put yourself to is usually the approach, and this is especially true to women, because what do women do when they are approached by guys? .... They test them... I can safely say that if i had a conversation with someone for about 2-5 minutes, i will usually not stutter very much, and i will be comfortable in the situation, but when she starts testing you immediately in the approach, this becomes difficult because there is going to be some tension. ... And women usually test me already when i say "hi"... Tall guy issues i suppose...
To give you an idea of how bad stuttering approach anxiety is; i, like most stutterers, have a lot of difficulties and anxiety about introductions. The moments where you are at a social gathering and you take turns of introducing yourself? Whenever i sit in them i have chills running down my spine and very sweaty palms. I stutter heavily on my own name the first time i say it in a conversation 90% of the time, regardless of if i'm talking to a man or to a woman. Opening up a woman for me usually is a hit or miss like this; i will go to her and it will be something like this *nudging her arm*, she turns to me, i turn to her and i say "Hello, i love your dress. Very pleased to meet you, my name is M.... M.... .. fuck.. Maar....i apologise.. M-Martin..." After this i feel so unsexy and so undeserving of her that i will botch the seduction on purpose, even if she sticks with me through my introduction. I used to run a "fake joking guy game" for a few months because any form of acting, or any form of not being your true self actually helps relieve your stuttering. But this just creates a lot of congruence issues that are very hard to fix because of the bad precedent you set.
Like i would say "Hey, excuse me madam, I am an Israeli agent from Mossad, and i have to protect you, there is a terrorist in the room" if she bites i will usually after a bit smile, look warm, and then say "no, actually i'm just a regular douchebag *laughs* my name is Martin, who are you really? I'm afraid i don't have anything on my file of you yet" I quit this because of the congruence issues, but also, more importantly, the immense attainability issues i would get resulting from this. Remember, i am 6'7, most people have huge attainability issues with me already before i meet them because of this. Putting a distance like this from the start MAY help me conquering my stutter early on in the conversation, but it creates some other issues that can sometimes be even harder to fix because they have a hard time seeing me as sincere.
4. Difficulty with tests / maintaining your vibe
This is not because you *actually* feel insulted by women when they do it to you. ... It's just you have the perfect answer for it, but you get stuck in the delivery... Imagine you knowing EXACTLY what to do and what to say, but being completely physically unable to say it. It's one of the most frustrating things in the world that can happen to you in a seduction, because it feels like you're fighting against yourself. This is not just with tests, this is with very very many things in your life. You might be at an exam where you know exactly what to say, but you are unable to say it, because stuttering. You might be at a job interview, and you know what to say, and you even made a game-plan and wrote a lot of notes and read books about it, but when you stand in the situation, you KNOW what you are supposed to say. You even KNOW what the person is thinking and what is appropriate, but the words are simply stuck in your throat.
These are the issues i have noticed.I think all of them are related to my self confidence; which can vary a huge deal depending on the month, for reasons that are often completely unknown to me. We all have days where we don't feel very confident, but to me these periods mean EVERYTHING. My social-life has thus been extremely bumpy and inconsistent. One month i can take a lover every new week, have 30 minute pulls, have women swoon and be submissive like crazy; and the next i will have a completely sexless month where even if i go out i will have this crippling anxiety that makes me unable to meet new people besides connecting through social circle. In other aspects of my life, i have had botched exams in subjects i was really good at simply because i stuttered more than usual that day. In the same way i have had job interviews where i was certain i wouldn't get the job because i didn't feel qualified, where i went in, i was completely fluent and suave, and thus scored the job. It feels like my life is a casino!
If anyone here stutters themselves, know someone who stutters, or have some general tips about how to overcome these issues, i will happily have your input, or advice! For example: Is it possible to somehow turn my stuttering into a good thing? Make people laugh about it, without being too much of an entertainer? Do you guys have any experience of "putting yourself in the mood" artificially? I think Chase wrote an article about this but i don't know if its something i can use in my own social life.
Thanks in advance!
-Martin
A bit of background, i have stuttered since i was a child. I highly suspect it was because of a concussion i had when i was 1 (my big brother hit me in the head with a baseball bat). And thus my chances of curing it are severely small, though it does happen from time to time that i have periods where i almost can't say anything, and then i will have periods where i feel so confident that i nearly don't stutter at all. On top of that i am a 6'7 tall guy, a bit on the chubby side but fairly fit also, and i am definitely not a stranger to women, although i do have a few aggravating issues that severely limit my potential, both in women but also generally in my career, in my school and generally my social life.
1. Congruence / dual personality.
People don't expect a 6'7 tall non-fat guy to stutter. From men i quite often experience severe auto-rejection from them, i suspect this is due to them feeling their masculinity is threatened by me. Being overprotective towards their girlfriends, bragging to me a lot, insulting me for no reason, these are common among many interactions i have with men, and i understood them quite early because, well, i am a man myself. But where the stutters comes in is that when i have my confident periods, these tendencies skyrocket, but when i for some reason have a period where i can barely say anything, people act very strangely around me, because they notice the difference of my demeanor. eg: This is the guy who was able to take Sophie home after 15 minutes conversation and now he barely says a thing without stuttering?? Any stutterer will tell you this, we kind of have a dual personality based on which "period" we are currently in. Do we feel confident? Do we not? If you meet me now i might be totally different if i am in a good period than if you meet me next week where i just had a bad run-in with a shopkeeper where i felt embarassed in front of a lot of people because i wasn't able to say what i wanted to say.
2. Consistency
This is linked to point number 1, and is quite possibly the worst part of being a stutterer, because this is the ultimate effect it has on your life. Everyone has an off-day, but for me these off-days are EXCEEDINGLY aggravating. They can come, and stay, for 3 months at a time and sometimes the effect they have on you are that you are unable to hold a conversation for 2 minutes, not because you don't know what to say, but because you are physically unable to say it. I can't explain to you why this happens, it just does. My social-life is thus very spiky and inconsistent. I have had periods where i would have a very vibrant social life, and periods where i would not meet a single new person for 3 months, besides perhaps shopkeepers..
3. Very aggravating approach anxiety.
A lot of people who stutter will nod their head solemnly to this. I touched on this before but it deserves a column of its own. I understand here that a lot of people on here have approach anxiety that is related to the fear of rejection, or not knowing what to say, or lack of belief in their ability and not wanting to look bad. I have talked with a lot of people who had this, and i used to have this fear also, albeit shortly. I beat it by putting myself in a situation where i KNEW women would harshly reject me. Like saying "Hey baby, you looking for trouble tonight?". There is something about having girls slap you or spill their drink on you on purpose that hardens you to this, it helped me overcome this fear, and also boosted my confidence and sense of masculinity a lot, because keeping your frame in the face of extreme adversary can be quite empowering... This never really cured myself of the biggest approach anxiety i had though, which is related to my stutter. It has several aspects. For one, as a stutterer, your feeling of comfort in the situation is directly linked to how much you stutter. And the most uncomfortable situation you can put yourself to is usually the approach, and this is especially true to women, because what do women do when they are approached by guys? .... They test them... I can safely say that if i had a conversation with someone for about 2-5 minutes, i will usually not stutter very much, and i will be comfortable in the situation, but when she starts testing you immediately in the approach, this becomes difficult because there is going to be some tension. ... And women usually test me already when i say "hi"... Tall guy issues i suppose...
To give you an idea of how bad stuttering approach anxiety is; i, like most stutterers, have a lot of difficulties and anxiety about introductions. The moments where you are at a social gathering and you take turns of introducing yourself? Whenever i sit in them i have chills running down my spine and very sweaty palms. I stutter heavily on my own name the first time i say it in a conversation 90% of the time, regardless of if i'm talking to a man or to a woman. Opening up a woman for me usually is a hit or miss like this; i will go to her and it will be something like this *nudging her arm*, she turns to me, i turn to her and i say "Hello, i love your dress. Very pleased to meet you, my name is M.... M.... .. fuck.. Maar....i apologise.. M-Martin..." After this i feel so unsexy and so undeserving of her that i will botch the seduction on purpose, even if she sticks with me through my introduction. I used to run a "fake joking guy game" for a few months because any form of acting, or any form of not being your true self actually helps relieve your stuttering. But this just creates a lot of congruence issues that are very hard to fix because of the bad precedent you set.
Like i would say "Hey, excuse me madam, I am an Israeli agent from Mossad, and i have to protect you, there is a terrorist in the room" if she bites i will usually after a bit smile, look warm, and then say "no, actually i'm just a regular douchebag *laughs* my name is Martin, who are you really? I'm afraid i don't have anything on my file of you yet" I quit this because of the congruence issues, but also, more importantly, the immense attainability issues i would get resulting from this. Remember, i am 6'7, most people have huge attainability issues with me already before i meet them because of this. Putting a distance like this from the start MAY help me conquering my stutter early on in the conversation, but it creates some other issues that can sometimes be even harder to fix because they have a hard time seeing me as sincere.
4. Difficulty with tests / maintaining your vibe
This is not because you *actually* feel insulted by women when they do it to you. ... It's just you have the perfect answer for it, but you get stuck in the delivery... Imagine you knowing EXACTLY what to do and what to say, but being completely physically unable to say it. It's one of the most frustrating things in the world that can happen to you in a seduction, because it feels like you're fighting against yourself. This is not just with tests, this is with very very many things in your life. You might be at an exam where you know exactly what to say, but you are unable to say it, because stuttering. You might be at a job interview, and you know what to say, and you even made a game-plan and wrote a lot of notes and read books about it, but when you stand in the situation, you KNOW what you are supposed to say. You even KNOW what the person is thinking and what is appropriate, but the words are simply stuck in your throat.
These are the issues i have noticed.I think all of them are related to my self confidence; which can vary a huge deal depending on the month, for reasons that are often completely unknown to me. We all have days where we don't feel very confident, but to me these periods mean EVERYTHING. My social-life has thus been extremely bumpy and inconsistent. One month i can take a lover every new week, have 30 minute pulls, have women swoon and be submissive like crazy; and the next i will have a completely sexless month where even if i go out i will have this crippling anxiety that makes me unable to meet new people besides connecting through social circle. In other aspects of my life, i have had botched exams in subjects i was really good at simply because i stuttered more than usual that day. In the same way i have had job interviews where i was certain i wouldn't get the job because i didn't feel qualified, where i went in, i was completely fluent and suave, and thus scored the job. It feels like my life is a casino!
If anyone here stutters themselves, know someone who stutters, or have some general tips about how to overcome these issues, i will happily have your input, or advice! For example: Is it possible to somehow turn my stuttering into a good thing? Make people laugh about it, without being too much of an entertainer? Do you guys have any experience of "putting yourself in the mood" artificially? I think Chase wrote an article about this but i don't know if its something i can use in my own social life.
Thanks in advance!
-Martin
