Suggested Relationship Rules

[African Boyo]

When a woman finally decides to have the "what are we" talk and the "what do you like in a girl" question as men we drop the ball and dont answer in an intelligent way that will start off a relationship the right way. To remedy this i want to ask the forum what are some good rules to have in place and communicate to the girl on the things you wont put up with so as to maintain dominance and lessen the chance of infidelity in a relationship. Some of mine include-stating if she wants a relationship she needs to stop partying-she cant go out on "dates" with male friends-she cant communicate with her ex-she must have sex atleast once a weekWhat are some other suggestions? Funny side note: girls agree this stuff when trying to angle you in a relationship

 

[Drck]

In general, what you do to get the girl is what you do to keep the girl. But there are some differences. As always, you should decide first what do you want with that girl and based on that you will set your frame. For example, if you just want fun or NSA, you can consider these short term. So who really cares? You have some fun and you move on.

On the other hand, if you aim for long term relationship you might want to pre-think your LONG term frame. Some points that should be considered:

* You want her to respect you (as a man). As long as she is respecting you she remains at least somehow attracted. She cannot be attracted to you if you let her disrespect you. The moment she starts disrespecting you you lost your value and her disrespect will easily change into snowball effect. Once you lose value in her eyes, once she loses interest in you, it is very difficult to get it back... perhaps even impossible...

How will she respect you? At least for the beginning (before the relationship becomes more fluent), make some rules and keep them. It probably sound silly but it is important. She needs to know that you have some solid frame, and rules will simply create this frame. Lifting weights 3 times per week? Good, keep that schedule. She has to wait until you finish. Seeing friends once a week? Keep it that way, no matter what she "needs" you to do on that day.

Tell her that you don't want her to go out with other men and that you want sex at least once a week (and that she can't communicate with her ex). There are of course different ways to tell her that, perhaps the best are indirect ways. One of those indirect but good ways is to start conversation about other people, friends. So you tell her: I have a friend, he has a GF and he doesn't want her to go out with another guys. He wants to have sex with her at least once a week. Then you ask her: What would you recommend to my friend that he tells his GF? Now you involved your girl in decision making, ideally she will tell you how the guy should approach. You can also ask her further questions what she thinks about it, and she will usually give you her opinion about what she really thinks about relationships, including yours....

Set firm boundaries and keep them. Similarly as above, make sure that she knows what you expect from the relationship. E.g. you expect her not to contact her BF, and she needs to know it. She needs to be clear about it, she needs to know that this is what you want. If she respects you she will not contact her ex. If she contacts him regardless what you told her, she is disrespecting you. Beware of snowball efect because if you don't put up clear boundaries and making it clear that this behavior is NOT OK at all, she will keep disrespecting you. Snowball effect can be very fast, even after years of good relationships you could be gone within couple of weeks, if not days. As you know, ideally you would give her a boot for disrespecting you and focus on another girls, but it is your relationship...

* Communication. You don't have to talk like a girl all day long, but you should communicate. People change over time, they meet different people, they accept different ideas and points of views, they can easily grow apart... Thus communication is essential for good relationships. You want to know what is she thinking and feeling, you want to know about people she meets, you want to know about her friends, especialy those who have dicks...

* Future. Ok, you decided to be a provider. So shut up about it and provide. Bring income, feed hungry beaks, get a second job if you have to, listen patiently to complaining and bitching while holding her hand. Spend less time with your friends and more time with your family. That is your job, you volunteered for it, you fought for it so hard and now you can finally have it. Enjoy then, be a good daddy. You want to show your other half that you care. You want to plan things - next year vacations, next weekend movies, today's dinners,... you want to save money for your family future. You want to save money for your kid's college... Happy providing.

* Dominance. Of course that you want to remain in charge, dominant. The thing is, that you don't have to be dominant 24/7. You just show dominance here and there. You decide about big things - who cares what is today for dinner? But, you decide where to go for vacation in 6 months. You decide because you are paying.

* No. No. Fuck no if you have to say it. You tell her that once in a while. You piss her off once in a while. You show her who is the man once in a while. No is No - and there is no negotiation about it no matter how sweet she is. Watch her get pissed, and watch her get horny. You - of course - don't have to be an idiot about it either, nobody says that you can't bring her flowers the next day, take her for a good dinner or comedy show over the weekend, or make her feel great any other way... As long as she hears NO from you once in a while you should be ok.

* Her family. Get them out of your life. Move AWAY from them, especially away from mother in law. You don't want her mom to be part of your family, no matter how sweet she appears. Don't let her family tell you how you should live your life with YOUR family. Listen, smile, nod, show up in their church, keep great relationships with them - and then do what the fuck you were going to do anyway.

* Equality. You don't want to be equal. You want to be a man and you want her to be a woman. You want to be masculine and dominant, a guy who makes majority of important decisions. You you want her to be feminine and submissive, woman who is free to contribute to most decisions but doesn't really have the last word. No need to go overboard, as long as you keep some power in your benefits... say you keep 60 and you give her 40 - that is more than good enough...

* Is she a Giver or Taker? You want to find Giver, and you want to dump Taker. Giver will be doing things for you, bringing you things, cooking for you, she will be taking a great care of you - and you shall reward her for her good deeds. She is a great woman, she has a true heart, she is a woman to keep even if she is not as hot as Taker. Taker will be taking from you, you will be doing things for her and unfortunately (most men) will be rewarding her for bad deeds anyway... For what, for pretty face and nice legs? For her entitlement, only because she is hot? There are many great girls out there who don't have the looks of Takers but are really great Givers. You want girl like that. As far as long term relationship is concern, all Taker deserves is your boot, no matter how hot she is...

 

[Thedoctor]

A.B.,

Rules are something you should only be keeping a "mental list" of. There's no need to list off a bunch of things she can or cannot do. Nor a list of things you expect out of her. All this will accomplish is she will think you're insecure, and possibly just do the things you asked her not to do behind your back. If you find her behaviour unacceptable at a given time, then NEXT her.

If she truly finds you attractive and desirable, she will naturally just want to spend time with you and not try and seek attention from other men (unless she's an attention whore). I've held the longtime belief that if some smooth cat comes along and manages to steal my girl, she's probably better off, not that I think there are that many guys out there that are up to the challenge.

-John

 

[ray_zorse]

I'm with Thedoctor on this one. AB, immediately I read your post, I felt that your example list of rules sounded a little bit insecure on your part. I suppose if you have particular hangups (things that unreasonably piss you off) then it might be a good idea to communicate them though, if you're careful how you do it. I did like Drck's suggestion of doing this indirectly by giving her a hypothetical situation.

Drck -- you mentioned saying "no" once in a while, and this reminded me of a situation I was in a few years back. My wife was buying an unreasonable amount of stuff on ebay which was never getting used and cluttering up all the cupboards and the whole house... so I told her she cannot buy anything on ebay without discussion with me and our joint approval. This lasted about a week until she started buying stuff again without checking with me. How would you have handled this? I think, in retrospect, since all the cash coming into the family was in my name, perhaps I could have diverted it into a bank account she couldn't access? Needless to say this would have created an enormous amount of drama, and she was very good at creating a negative vibe around the house when she didn't get her way... lots of anger and would generally lure me into expressing anger and hence making myself partly to blame for the situation, how would you have handled this kind of thing?

-Ray

 

[Drck]

Hi guys,

When a guy is young he falls in love. We are talking about 20-25 year old guys, he never lived with woman, he has no relationship experience. He is blind. So he allows her to do everything she wants, everything is just fun, happiness. He rewards her for doing different things, he rewards her for buying stuff. He allows her to flirt with other guys, it bothers him but he pretends that he doesn't see it. He shut up. Nothing matters to him, he is in love, he would do everything possible to keep this girl happy.

So he buys her more stuff, he gets her a ring, and he gets happily married. Everything works just fine, there are no problems whatsoever, there are no fights so he falls asleep. He is having a dream of happy and everlasting marriage, he is so lucky, his girl is such a great woman.

Ten years go by, and now he awakens. His house is full of crap that he didn't buy nor wanted, he can't walk through the house without knocking things down. His house is messy, she doesn't bother to clean up, she does nothing for him. Perhaps she goes out when she wants, and when he asks she just says: Don't worry about it, I'm going out with just a friend. Now his eyes are open, open wide...

He dig a hole for yourself, now he want out, but anytime he says something she dumps her emotions on him. She makes hell when he tries to tell her something, when he tries to change her behavior. She was used to do things her own way for the past 10 years, and now she is supposed to change because he doesn't like it now? Nope. So she raises even more hell. He feels miserable, it is better not to say anything so there are no fights. He can't stand these emotions. It is much easier to grab a couple of beers than fight, as long as there is a peace...

So he doesn't do anything and his frame collapses even further. She won couple of battles, and he caved in... Now she's got even more power to do more things - Her Way. Snowball starts rolling down the hill. It may roll slowly, but it is surly rolling...

Now be careful, because when he starts causing all the distress in the family she will start accusing him of being an abuser. If not physical abuser, at least emotional. She will go to see a shrink and tell him that he is the cause of her depression. Now she's got to take pills - because of him. Surprised? She will talk about him being bad boy to all of her friends and all of the family. She will make it seem that everything that is wrong in the family is his fault.

Is it? Good question. He didn't set his frame right from the beginning and now he has nothing to hold on to... What a headache. Perhaps couple of beers will fix it...?? Or reading a Red Pill...??

And snowball is rolling, now another two-three years later she might start threatening him with a divorce. Now there are these two ugly things hanging around his neck and dragging him down - child support and alimony. His retirement account will be cleared. He will most likely have to move out of the house he paid for too. Reason to drink even more?

That is why it is so important to setup solid frame right from the beginning. I hate rules myself but they can be a great tools to setup a solid frame. These rules simply say: This relationship will be My Way - or High Way. If she doesn't comply with the rules, he will walk away from her, right there, at the beginning. No big deal, no child support, no alimony, no losing a single dollar. If she is really into him she will have to comply, she will have to adjust her thinking to his. Now his frame is set, great foundation was built for many years ahead. All he has to do is to refresh the frame once in a while. Occasional good and solid NO will do it. Now the frame is solid like a steel, he is the man and things will go his way - or he will walk. She is the woman and she follows his lead.

----

So Ray, at this point she has more power in the relationship than you. You say something and she raises hell, she makes it miserable experience for you when you try to correct her behavior. Logic doesn't apply to her, she fights back with her emotions. Simple NO won't do it, it is too late, she's used to do things on her own for a long time. There are couple of ways to fix it, couple of ways to stop the snowball.

For example, depending how serious the situation is, she might suggest couple/marriage therapy. I know any man hates even hearing about it, no man wants to do it, but I would go - while having a clear plan. She will go there with an idea in her head that she can manipulate you even more, that she will explain your "bad" behavior so you can cave in to her emotional manipulation even more. Fuck No. Now it is your turn. You will logically, clearly and calmly explain in front of other people that her behavior is incorrect, that you don't need any of that crap in your house, and you don't have extra money for that. At the same time, you want to have and work on great relationship (assuming that you do). You will repeat the same thing over and over several times at different days, and tell it to different people. Make it clear, make a new frame. No need to be direct or asshole about it, just subtle hints are good enough. Bring the issue up in front of other people, her and your family. Use assertiveness and logic: Look we don't have money for all this crap woman, there is no need to buy all this stuff which we don't need. We can be spending $$$ on XYZ instead, lets have a great life (again, no need to be so direct).

At this point of time it is no longer simple NO. It is more like persistent negotiation, perhaps you want to overwhelm her with little hints of logic (while avoiding negative emotions), slowly but surly push the snowball back to the top with assertiveness and logic, and eventually roll the ball the other way... Set a new solid frame, this time slowly and more fluently over longer period of time... Persistence is the keyword you want to use...

Hope it helps!

 

[Chase]

Brilliant picture painted by Drck here. Really great post, Drck.

Ray,

Needless to say this would have created an enormous amount of drama, and she was very good at creating a negative vibe around the house when she didn't get her way... lots of anger and would generally lure me into expressing anger and hence making myself partly to blame for the situation, how would you have handled this kind of thing?

-Ray

I have an article up on precisely this here: Beating Your Girlfriend at Her Own Blame Game.

If it's a blow-up, where she's yelling or shouting at you, you simply respond in kind, +15% or so. At that point, it's a verbal fistfight, not a discussion, and the angrier person will win, while the less-angry person will lose. If you do nothing, or take to trying to avoid delicate issues to avoid having her blow up, she gains power in the relationship, and you gain a habit of walking around on tip-toes.

When you have issues where she's putting off the "don't mess with me if you don't want to get your head chewed off" vibe, if it's casual you should just leave and tell her to get in touch when her act is together. If it's longer-term and/or you're staying with the girl and don't have elsewhere to go at the moment, like with your (ex-?)wife, you need to bring it to a head so you can address it and move on without her being a tinder pile that you're dancing around trying to avoid setting off.

Chase