Testing Social Circle Girls in Relationships

[Lantern]

I'm part of a social circle built around a hobby - dancing, and in the last 2 or so years I'd say I've became pretty high status there. I'm quite popular, I'm good at the thing, I've been accepted by the old-schoolers and I've got good fundamentals in general.

There are some 4-5 really high quality girls in the circle who are all in relationships, and whose boyfriends are not part of the scene or circle, nor do they bring them with them when the group hangs out outside of dancing.

All these girls are cool with me, friendly and warm, ask me for dances, we chat around, and here and there I get a hint of signs I'm attractive to them.

Now, I don't think I'd be interested in just sleeping with these girls while they remain in relationships, because that seems like a in invitation for drama. But, since I'm slowly moving into girlfriend seeking mode, and these girls are for sure GF material, I was wondering if there any way I could figure out if these girls are actually happy in their relationships, in love, etc (in which case I'd leave them alone), or are they perhaps not satisfied and are actually just hanging around in their relationship while waiting for a new opportunity to come along, in which case I'd make a move? Or that's wishful thinking, and I'd need to make a move and see what happens? I wouldn't mind the second option in general, but I don't want to develop a reputation of someone hitting on girls who aren't single, so I'm being a bit cautious.

 

[isildur1]

thousands of single women on the streets everyday you can approach and instead you want to hit on women in your social circle who have boyfriends? have some respect for the women and for the men involved - for the very low probability outcome that this works you're risking your friendships with these women and your status in the friendship group plus you maybe making enemies with men if this backfires. The juice is absolutely not worth the squeeze whichever way you look at it.

Even enquiring seems just slimy imo - the risk is just not worth it imo. The time is best spent on women who are single - with women in relationships you'll be stuck overthinking and over analysing the situation and risk tarnishing friendships . Why not just keep them as friends? female friends can be great social proof and avenues to develop your social circles - why risk killing the goose for the off chance that one of them may like while she has a boyfriend- it just seems like such a low probability outcome that you can find success from these women.

 

[Lantern]

Jesus, man, reading comprehension?

If one of these girls is ready to leave her relationship and get into something new, you're saying I should let it be some other guy? Even though I like them and think she's a great girl?

I'm not talking about wrecking a good relationship, I'm just asking if someone has a suggestion how one could detect if a girl in a relationship is looking for a way out of it. These girls are constantly coming to events (in the evening, dancing with a bunch of guys, having a drink or two), without their boyfriends, barely mentioning their boyfriends and acting kind of interested towards me. Not a fair question?

 

[Rakehell]

I was wondering if there any way I could figure out if these girls are actually happy in their relationships, in love, etc (in which case I'd leave them alone), or are they perhaps not satisfied and are actually just hanging around in their relationship while waiting for a new opportunity to come along, in which case I'd make a move? Or that's wishful thinking, and I'd need to make a move and see what happens? I wouldn't mind the second option in general, but I don't want to develop a reputation of someone hitting on girls who aren't single, so I'm being a bit cautious.

Personally these girls would be screened out for a relationship solely because they’re in relationships and you’d be nudging them out of it.

As a rule i’m not getting in a relationship with a girl I can seduce out of a relationship because it speaks more to her attachment style than your ability as a seducer.

Some girls can be in unfulfilling relationships and never cheat, and the ones who do have the same capacity to cheat on you too.

So if you were able to get that close with someone who is, by getting her to cheat “emotionally”, i’d screen them out as a prospect for the same reason.

 

[Lantern]

Personally these girls would be screened out for a relationship solely because they’re in relationships and you’d be nudging them out of it.

As a rule i’m not getting in a relationship with a girl I can seduce out of a relationship because it speaks more to her attachment style than your ability as a seducer.

Some girls can be in unfulfilling relationships and never cheat, and the ones who do have the same capacity to cheat on you too.

So if you were able to get that close with someone who is, by getting her to cheat “emotionally”, i’d screen them out as a prospect for the same reason.

This is a good point. Some years ago I would agree 100% with this and not even consider what I'm asking here, it's just that expirence has showed me that women are security-seeking creatures and will not just leave a guy when they're not satisfied, become officially single and then start dating, but very often will wait until they see they have a concrete option before they'll end their current relationship. So let's say I agree 95% with you there.

I'm not looking for getting a girl to cheat emotionally, and certainly not physically. Nor do I want to engae in actions to weaken her relationshp. I'm simply wondering could I, in conversation and by observation, figure out if a girl is in this "ready to leave" mode, and then if so, how to properly signal I'm interested in case she would indeed end it.

 

[JasonH]

This is a good point. Some years ago I would agree 100% with this and not even consider what I'm asking here, it's just that expirence has showed me that women are security-seeking creatures and will not just leave a guy when they're not satisfied, become officially single and then start dating, but very often will wait until they see they have a concrete option before they'll end their current relationship. So let's say I agree 95% with you there.

I'm not looking for getting a girl to cheat emotionally, and certainly not physically. Nor do I want to engae in actions to weaken her relationshp. I'm simply wondering could I, in conversation and by observation, figure out if a girl is in this "ready to leave" mode, and then if so, how to properly signal I'm interested in case she would indeed end it.

Is this a scarcity issue or an over-reliance on social circle for social proof/high status?


Agreed women are anxious security-seeking humans.
- This means you’re higher risk for a hookup and you may be boyfriend zoned (in a sense you’re higher value to her)
- women may start looking elsewhere if she has a weakening sense of security in her current man’s ability to provide sex/arousal, long term potential, all the other value he provides.

I’d say look for signs they find you attractive:
- Do they stay with you, move with you, isolate with you
- Are they receptive to your touch, do they touch you back
- Is their a flirtatious vibe in your banter

Even then, they’re in a relationship so waiting around for them to be single is inefficient. Instead meet a girl elsewhere bring them around your female friends and see how they respond.

 

[Lantern]

Is this a scarcity issue or an over-reliance on social circle for social proof/high status?

Closer to scarcity. Honestly, man, it's a laziness issue; the last month or so, my motivation to date dropped sharply. Could be just the winter moving in, but the idea of not so much picking girls up, but moreso going through the motions to get to know a chick better to figure out if she's GF material looks likes so much effort to me at the moment, I guess I'm looking for low-hanging fruit.

 

[JasonH]

Closer to scarcity. Honestly, man, it's a laziness issue; the last month or so, my motivation to date dropped sharply. Could be just the winter moving in, but the idea of not so much picking girls up, but moreso going through the motions to get to know a chick better to figure out if she's GF material looks likes so much effort to me at the moment, I guess I'm looking for low-hanging fruit.

See if you can bring in more girls into the social group (that are hopefully single - and they can invite their single friends too). That way you’ll have more choice.

Dance is a great hobby and you’ll have fantastic social proof.
The new girls will see you banter, socialise, flirt with the girls in the group. Meanwhile, the girls already in the group will see you flirt with the new girls. Works well both ways.

I’m sure the girls already in the group must have some single friends that are interested to join?

 

[OldGuy]

I suggest telling thme you are looking for a relationship and ask if they know any woman they could introduce you to. If they are interested, they will let you know (not right out).

 

[isildur1]

Is this a scarcity issue or an over-reliance on social circle for social proof/high status?


Agreed women are anxious security-seeking humans.
- This means you’re higher risk for a hookup and you may be boyfriend zoned (in a sense you’re higher value to her)
- women may start looking elsewhere if she has a weakening sense of security in her current man’s ability to provide sex/arousal, long term potential, all the other value he provides.

I’d say look for signs they find you attractive:
- Do they stay with you, move with you, isolate with you
- Are they receptive to your touch, do they touch you back
- Is their a flirtatious vibe in your banter

Even then, they’re in a relationship so waiting around for them to be single is inefficient. Instead meet a girl elsewhere bring them around your female friends and see how they respond.

Yeah I absolutely agree- even if a woman in a social circle behaves around me in a nice manner the fact that she’s in a ltr means it’s a no go for more - it’s just an over complicated situation and you’re involving pissing on another guy’s turf too I don’t see how the juice can ever be the worth the squeeze and if it does work out your reward? A woman with a history of disloyalty and cheating - I’m not sure if the amount of work + risk is worth what you’re getting

focus on cold approaching and meeting new leads - anything your social circle gives you should be a bonus and not something that should be relied upon especially if they’re in a relationship then the probability of it working out is so low that it can’t be possibility worth the time in the majority of cases

 

[isildur1]

Personally these girls would be screened out for a relationship solely because they’re in relationships and you’d be nudging them out of it.

As a rule i’m not getting in a relationship with a girl I can seduce out of a relationship because it speaks more to her attachment style than your ability as a seducer.

Some girls can be in unfulfilling relationships and never cheat, and the ones who do have the same capacity to cheat on you too.

So if you were able to get that close with someone who is, by getting her to cheat “emotionally”, i’d screen them out as a prospect for the same reason.

Great point - you also have to factor in possibly pissing off their boyfriends and creating mistrust in your social circle if things go wrong and getting a reputation as “that guy” these points need to be factored in

is it really worth burning bridges with your female friends and creating possible conflicts with her boyfriends by trying to nudge them towards dating you? Seems like a lot of work for very little reward - cold approaching new leads seems best imo

 

[TomInHo]

I'm not looking for getting a girl to cheat emotionally, and certainly not physically. Nor do I want to engae in actions to weaken her relationshp. I'm simply wondering could I, in conversation and by observation, figure out if a girl is in this "ready to leave" mode, and then if so, how to properly signal I'm interested in case she would indeed end it.

I mean if you smash her in "ready to leave" mode you are technically looking to make her cheat emotionally and physically

And in social circles whenever they end relationships it's very easy to tell.

If following her on social media she will remove all photos of the ex. And/or post cryptic stuff about how men are trash or how she needs to know her worth or "if he wanted to, he would'' type of posts

Also people will also straight up tell you... "Hear about Stacy? Her and Maurice broke up", or she will tell you herself that they broke up

Tbh it's pretty darn obvious and you would have to be blind to miss the signs. Only thing tho is once they are on the rebound you have to act fast and smash before someone else gets to her.

And also don't get your hopes up too much either

It's a possibility in those situations they will bang you, then go back to the ex while you are the guy she fucked on a break. Or she may bang you then get in a relationship with a brand new guy

Not all rebounds end in happy ever after, and to be frank I have a hard time believing that the only girlfriend candidates in your entire city are all in your friend group

Seems more like scarcity is driving your thought process more than how amazing these women supposedly are

 

[Lantern]

@isildur1 & @TomInHo While I apprecite the input, guys, you're commenting on stuff I didn't write.

Here what I DIDN'T say:
1. I didn't say I'll drop everything, stop approaching and just wait around for these girls to be free
2. I didn't say I want to smash these chicks while they're still in their relationships
3. I didn't say my sole and only hope to find a GF are these girls
etc etc

It's really a very simple question of what's a way (if any) to tell a girl might be in her "waiting on opportunity to leave relationship" mode, and also, what would be a situation-appropriate way to express she has a chance with you if she becomes single.

That's it.

If I can do this, while, yes, also not puting my hopes in it, and yes, continuing to approach other girls, and yes, minding reputation and possible drama in the social circle, I don't see what's the issue.

 

[TomInHo]

It's really a very simple question of what's a way (if any) to tell a girl might be in her "waiting on opportunity to leave relationship" mode, and also, what would be a situation-appropriate way to express she has a chance with you if she becomes single.

That's it.

Cool

Then reread what I said in the last post. Dropped some signs there

 

[isildur1]

@isildur1 & @TomInHo While I apprecite the input, guys, you're commenting on stuff I didn't write.

Here what I DIDN'T say:
1. I didn't say I'll drop everything, stop approaching and just wait around for these girls to be free
2. I didn't say I want to smash these chicks while they're still in their relationships
3. I didn't say my sole and only hope to find a GF are these girls
etc etc

It's really a very simple question of what's a way (if any) to tell a girl might be in her "waiting on opportunity to leave relationship" mode, and also, what would be a situation-appropriate way to express she has a chance with you if she becomes single.

That's it.

If I can do this, while, yes, also not puting my hopes in it, and yes, continuing to approach other girls, and yes, minding reputation and possible drama in the social circle, I don't see what's the issue.

There are a lot of issues at hand for the little probability that one of them are going to ditch their man for you . That’s it of itself the issue - others have said it before me it it seems like scarcity and lack of options have driven you to this.

Then in the off chance this works you’re sorta stuck with a disloyal woman anyone - it seems like a lot of hassle with added risk with little reward. That time is best spent finding new options who are single

I don’t think there’s any fishing line or any technique itself that shows a woman is ready to leave their man and either way you could be waiting a long time for this to work out and if it backfires it could distort your position in the social circle - even women with boyfriends who are friendly to me are just naturally friendly people in most cases some might flirt with me for approval but I’m sure in 99 percent of cases it’s not because they want to leave their boyfriend for me off the bat they’re just being flirty/naturally friendly .

and some girls who are close to leaving or rebound might be in psychological vulnerable positions and may seek to wait further before dating again this could waste even more of your time

 

[Lantern]

There are a lot of issues at hand for the little probability that one of them are going to ditch their man for you . That’s it of itself the issue - others have said it before me it it seems like scarcity and lack of options have driven you to this.

I'm just bouncing ideas off you lot, I'm not driven to anything.

Altough actually, there is some scarcity involved: these girls are great dancers, can't find that on the street .

I don’t think there’s any fishing line or any technique itself that shows a woman is ready to leave their man and either way you could be waiting a long time for this to work out and if it backfires it could distort your position in the social circle - even women with boyfriends who are friendly to me are just naturally friendly people in most cases some might flirt with me for approval but I’m sure in 99 percent of cases it’s not because they want to leave their boyfriend for me off the bat they’re just being flirty/naturally friendly .

and some girls who are close to leaving or rebound might be in psychological vulnerable positions and may seek to wait further before dating again this could waste even more of your time

Fair enough.

 

[topcat]

are they perhaps not satisfied and are actually just hanging around in their relationship while waiting for a new opportunity to come along

I'm slowly moving into girlfriend seeking mode, and these girls are for sure GF material

lol doesn’t sound like girlfriend material to me…

 

[topcat]

These girls are constantly coming to events (in the evening, dancing with a bunch of guys, having a drink or two), without their boyfriends, barely mentioning their boyfriends and acting kind of interested towards me.

Neither does this tbh..

 

[Rakehell]

I'm not looking for getting a girl to cheat emotionally, and certainly not physically. Nor do I want to engae in actions to weaken her relationshp. I'm simply wondering could I, in conversation and by observation, figure out if a girl is in this "ready to leave" mode, and then if so, how to properly signal I'm interested in case she would indeed end it.

You are contradicting yourself here, by signaling your openness to courting her, you would be engaging in actions that’d provoke her into jumping ship.

You’re unknowingly screening for a girl who is liable to do the same to you by “testing the waters” on how secure she is in it. If she indeed is just holding on to him until another option comes along, I guarantee you the guy has zero idea.

What you’re suggesting is eventually dating someone fresh out of an attachment with the intentions of forming a new attachment with you.

It’s setting yourself up to date someone with qualities that you will not want to date in a relationship context.

Someone that:

-has a back-pocket mentality when it comes to mono relationships

-keeps their options open during

-signals there availability while in one

-engages in erratic behavior when feeling unfulfilled

-goes to highly stimulating events without her boyfriend

women are security-seeking creatures and will not just leave a guy when they're not satisfied, become officially single and then start dating, but very often will wait until they see they have a concrete option before they'll end their current relationship

Certain kinds of women do this, the kinds you would be welcoming into your life by screening for them. Which is what you are attempting to do now. It’s a belief built upon selection bias.

 

[Lantern]

It’s a belief built upon selection bias.

I can only go by my experiences.

But very well, gentlemen, message received, I'll let this go.