The Coping Mechanism of Abused Children.

[Cacc]

Abuse isn't always overt. Many parents sublty abuse their kids sometimes without ever realizing it.

I want to point out that I'm not looking for pity. I'm bored and I enjoy talking about myself.

I was abused physically and psychologically abused in my early adolescence. This lead me to develop what's known as a "false self" as a coping mechanism to deal with the pain. What this looks like is a delusion of superiority, arrogance, and perfection which helps to mask the crippling insecurity and self-esteem in an outer shell.

Overtime the false self ultimately eats away and consumes the true self, culminating as Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Unlike what Richard seems to believe, individuals with personality disorders can be self-aware. This tends to be correlated with the person's iq level it seems. I don't believe to be a genius, but I know there was something that was crippling my life. I knew there was something different and I sought professional opinion.

After about 3 months my psychologist concluded I had Anti-social personality disorder with Narcissistic traits. Aspd because of my childhood diagnosis of conduct disorder and because I fit the category perfectly according to him. This anti-social behavior as a child came before my abuse and only got worse with time. It's safe to say I today am a combination of nature and nurture.

Therapy sessions didn't do anything for me. While I can cognitively understand why my behavior is wrong, I don't have a desire to change. My lack of empathy simply doesn't allow me to care about hurting your feelings. I'm too preoccupied with what I desire to give a damn about you.

I understand I am an incredibly toxic individual to those around me. And I feel that this behavior will only get worse - as my brain still has a couple years of development left.

and I enjoy it. I enjoy inflicting psychological pain on others and slowly degrading them over time. I see everyone as my competition, even friends. I know that one day they will turn against me so I make sure I win.

I can be easily slighted and insulted. And I always seek vengeance. My outer shell's grandiosity gets bigger and bigger the more injury to my self-esteem I suffer. Sometimes, I'll get to the point where I start believing I was chosen by god. The point is to feel superior to others, whether this is achieved by real validation or imaginary. If a person hurts me I will choose payback in the form of dominance. Whether this is done tactfully or aggressively depends on how much you hurt my ego.

My sexual relationships never last longer than a month. I ultimately end up devaluing my partner when they stop doing everything I want them to. Oh yeah, you better behave exactly like I want you to or you will be treated like utter trash. You can see why this unhealthy dynamic causes major turmoil...

I am sort of like a woman in the sense that I will only like you and remain loyal for as long as you let me control and have my way with you.

Cacc

 

[Cacc]

If you don't build me up then I will tear you down. Doesn't matter whether I extract good or bad emotions, the point is to affect you. The ego needs must be met. That's the difference between healthy narcissism and pathological narcissism. I'm a hollow tusk of a man

https://youtu.be/1LPio8L_zBg

 

[Hue]

Cacc,

I think that's very unfortunate you had abusive events happen to you in your past. I've worked with clients and currently study client records where traumatic experiences are heavy and they do indeed tend to be detrimental in an individual's development.

You can see why this unhealthy dynamic causes major turmoil...

If you recognize your current state as an issue, and despite protests it appears you do have an issue with your psychological / behavioral state, then it is ultimately up to you to confront the root of the problem.

What this looks like is a delusion of superiority, arrogance, and perfection which helps to mask the crippling insecurity and self-esteem in an outer shell.

If you acknowledge these as negative traits, and expose each instance of your own delusional thoughts for what they are, and thereafter persistently replace them with honest and productive thoughts (having radical acceptance of your crippling insecurity), you can cultivate behaviors and mindsets that turn negative traits into positive traits.

You can effectively write your own (healthy) self-fulfilling prophecy, but only if you are honest with yourself and everyone around you. Self-love =/= narcissism, and the distinction of these processes is a very important one to make.


Hue

 

[Cacc]

If you recognize your current state as an issue, and despite protests it appears you do have an issue with your psychological / behavioral state, then it is ultimately up to you to confront the root of the problem.

I don't have an issue with it. I'm being logical by pointing out how I behave and why. What I do negatively impacts others, not myself.

If you acknowledge these as negative traits

They are not negative to me, they help me function...

Think about it this way. A normal person who is arrogant gets rejected or suffers loss, they get brought down to Earth. If I suffer loss, I get dragged down to hell.

and expose each instance of your own delusional thoughts for what they are, and thereafter persistently replace them with honest and productive thoughts (having radical acceptance of your crippling insecurity), you can cultivate behaviors and mindsets that turn negative traits into positive traits.

I've tried that. I don't have the ability to regulate a healthy, resistant self-esteem. What ends up happening is my mood becomes controlled by the environment. Success? Elated, self-confident, optimistic. Failure? Depressed, lethargic, sometimes suicidal. That's why grandiosity is there. To protect against that.

Yes, getting older and becoming more successful has increased my ego's resistance to injury. But it still happens, especially when I become invested in something and lose. When that happens, I need to take back control, and this isn't always possible in a social savvy way. Or protect my ego by creating a false self. Otherwise rock-bottom.

Anyways, this stuff's impossible to understand if you're a healthy, well-functioning individual.

 

[Chase]

I always like to say that a strong man causes pain.

An even stronger man heals it.

Food for thought, perhaps, as you figure out what sort of man you'll be.

Chase

 

[Cacc]

I always like to say that a strong man causes pain.

An even stronger man heals it.

Care to elaborate? What is "heals it".

 

[Chase]

Cacc-

Care to elaborate? What is "heals it".

As you've seen yourself with your own formative experiences, it's fairly easy to do a lot of damage to another person.

You still need a certain amount of power over a person to pull it off. Whether that is relationship power, physical power, financial power... it takes a certain amount of strength/leverage to wreck and destroy.

Now think of an elaborate LEGO building. Hard to construct, easy to destroy. Think of a civilization. Hard to build, easy to destroy. A life -- takes huge amounts of resources and time to construct, and just a knife or a gun or a short fall to end.

Restorative work is arguably even harder than creative work (which is in turn harder then destruction). Take a great civilization falling to ruin. The path most citizens who rise to power in a decadent civilization take is to pillage. Get theirs, do whatever they must to come out on top, and cement their own positions to fend off rivals. It takes strength to do this... take a Cinna or a Maximin. Both bad guys, both highly destructive individuals, both net negatives for their society who weakened their civilization at a time it was already weak. But unquestionably strong dudes to get away with what they got away with. Then you have a Julius Caesar, an Augustus Caesar, or a Justinian. There's a reason these men are far more revered by history; their work was beneficial and restorative, which is far harder to do and demands far greater personal strength and vision than destruction (which really only requires cleverness and patience, or luck and raw power).

When it comes to other people, everyone is drifting through life confused, unsure, and battling his own demons. It takes a certain amount of strength to nose your way into someone's life, grab him by the ears, and drag him down further. It takes a far greater strength to get into his life, grab him by the arm, and lift him up to a better place, where he is more aware, has higher agency, and behaves in more constructive ways.

Here's another simple way to think about the difference: any man with the power to heal has the power to destroy. But most men who can only destroy do not have the power to heal. A great teacher, a beloved priest, a benevolent statesmen, a wonderful father, each of these men holds the power to damage and ruin the people who depend on him if he so chooses; instead he wields his power to help them, lift them up, and heal. A vengeful teacher, a dark cult leader, a corrupt politician, an abusive father: these men can do damage to those who are at their mercy, but for the most part they could not help or heal their dependents even if they wanted to. The do not have that power.

"Destroyer" is a path in life, and there are plenty who walk it.

But it is only a middle tier path, as far as strength, renown, and respect is concerned.

The destroyer is stronger, more renowned, and more respected than the Everyman who drifts through life largely without impacting the people around him. But he kneels before the restorer, the healer, and the bringer togetherer and uniter. The destroyer's empires crumble as fast as he can build them (Genghis Khan), while the restorer ushers in renaissances that last centuries (Charlemagne). The destroyer is betrayed at the first opportunity and in the most ignominious ways by those closest to him, who act out of self-preservation once they've realized his nature (Commodus, poisoned by his mistress, then strangled in the bath by his friend, after having killed so many other people close to him), while the restorer commands ferocious loyalty from those who benefit from his restorations (Philopoemen, whose death inspired so much loyalty that it united a divided nation to defeat the Messenians).

If control and adulation is what you want, the path of the healer, uniter, and restorer is the shining path there.

"Destroyer" is only second best -- but not really even in the same ballpark. It's the J.V. team.

Chase

 

[Cacc]

Chase,

Very insightful.

If control and adulation is what you want, the path of the healer, uniter, and restorer is the shining path there.

I have realized that being good is a more effective way in getting the ego-needs. It's harder not to destroy when the only reason you are good is out of pure-selfishness. I need to affect those around me, whatever way it happens.

My question is how can I become this healer? How can i be adulated and hold power over those around me in a positive way?

If it's a better, more efficient way to meet the ego-needs I'd totally adopt it.