the ego, improvement, and motivation

[Hector Papi Castillo]

Hey Radeng,

It took me a long time to get over this and Chase diagnosed it hilariously as "Ricky Bobby syndrome." If we're not first, we're last.

It's almost like being manic-depressive, but with outcome dependence in seduction. If we're on top, we fly high on the testosterone wave of the Winner Effect and we could steal Angelina Jolie from Brad Pitt if we wanted to. But if we're losing, then we think we're whale shit at the bottom of the ocean.

I'm going to work through all of this thoroughly in an article series in the next few months, because I finally figured it out. Definitely stay tuned for that, because it will be better thought out and more understandable as I craft the language methodically and over time, but a few tips to help ease the path for you right now.

1. Adopt an achievement mentality - rid yourself of any "I have to be X good or Y awesome," because those are intangible and vague goals. Instead, reduce your success to "did I fuck her? No, okay next. Yes? Okay, great, got my dick wet."

2. Treat that achievement mentality like some score-card that a friend of yours is tallying. If your friend scores, you're happy for him and wish him all the best. If he doesn't score, oh well, you're removed from the situation and you don't take it personally, because it's not you! Treating yourself as a third-person is a meditative technique that dates all the way back to the Buddha and certainly pre-dates him as well. He would always refer to himself as "the Tathagatha" (many translations, my favorite is "one who has gone beyond life and death") and used this third-person designation to remove the personalized body and mind from his teachings and worldly-affairs.

3. Be really, really, really nice to yourself. You're probably like me and are super hard on yourself because you think that the reason everyone else is such a pathetic sack of shit is because they lie to themselves and think everything is okay, when really, they have a shitty job, an ugly girlfriend, and a dick that doesn't work. You fear self-deception. And this is a powerful tool that will make you great, but at some point, you have to leave behind the self-hatred that comes with harsh discipline. But it is possible to be nice to yourself and also be hard on yourself and you're ready for that. A few months ago I responded to another thread of yours and suggested you keep forging ahead in your "rage-to-mastery," but now I can tell from your writing that you're at the same stage I was when I was the best seducer in my area and one of the best I've ever known, but still treated myself like I was some little kid who thought that "clitoris" sounds like an STD.

It's time for you to really become more compassionate and loving of yourself. You've already built an engine of progress that cannot be stopped, so don't fear becoming nicer and kinder to yourself. I promise that you will be great so long as you never stop improving and striving.

- Hector

 

[ray_zorse]

Yes, reading your post I realize I too have become identified with pickup. (And not enough identified with becoming a high value man, if anything that has slipped of late, struggling with diet and gym and time/money management and other fundamentals). Late last year I was having a similar issue, I wanted to go out and do marathon approaching sessions 3 or 4 times a week but I forced myself to stop approaching (or pussied out one might say) and focus solidly on work for 6 weeks, well interestingly I scored my first cold approach lay just after (LR: OMG I can't dooo thiiis), might be because of having temporarily broken my identification with pickup and focused on my value (time management and being a more effective guy) instead, this was also my thought at the time although I did not phrase it in terms of identification or ego, as I hadn't read Tolle then.

I'm about to undertake a similar break from pickup now, cos I feel my relationship with my gf Leticia going to a new level and although my temptation was to diagnose this as neediness and to fight it, I have decided to trust myself and the fact I recognize she is a great girl (I don't like the word "quality" but if I were to use it, I would say she is high quality because she is sexy, smart, kind, conservative, not a party girl, undertaking higher education, etc, etc)... and very much in love with me. Because I'm co dependent it's difficult to uncover my own feelings for her, they are still very much wrapped up in neediness but I don't think that's a reason to cut her loose, if I did that I'd never get close to anyone.

So my plan is to break up with my other fwb (where I have also felt a lot of neediness creeping in, and this has paralyzed me from taking the actions I need to take and being a strong, high value man) and become exclusive with Leticia for a time. I want to take action to make this happen, and to tell her so, before I am forced to do it on her terms or lose her. Whilst in the r/ship I will not quit approaching, but I will quit number taking as I don't think that is appropriate. I might be down for an insta date from time to time if the planets align and I can do it without giving the wrong idea.

While doing this I'm going to focus solidly on work, my hobbies, time management, getting lean and ripped, and other fundamentals such as eye contact discipline (by this I mean being completely absorbed in what I am doing or where I am going, and not "scanning" except in my peripherals). I am also going to focus on my sexy vibe including strong EC (have diagnosed a tendency in myself to cut eye contact at the wrong moment, defusing tension that I find uncomfortable, also I lipread and I want to train myself to do this in my peripheral vision while maintaining EC), my voice fundamental, body language and touch. I can do this with girls I approach and also with Leticia, I've started practicing with her in recent weeks and when I dial up the sexy vibe she giggles and says "stop it!" and breaks EC so it is clearly having an effect. Anyway, I'll hit pickup again with improved fundamentals if I feel things getting stale with her.

Ray

 

[ray_zorse]

Fuck. Several hours after I got this sorted, and started to live my new life as a committed man, hot Japanese chick whom I approached in the supermarket and who not only called herself from my phone but checked the spelling of my name... responded to icebreaker after several days (after I'd given her up for dead, and chalked up the above IOIs as being aberrations), to say we live close together so let's go for a coffee soon. Hahaha. What do I do now? It's the GST too (groan).
Ray

 

[Smith]

Radeng,

I'm having problem being too identified with my results too. Ever since I got pretty consistent results with average girls, I decided to step it up by focusing only on hot girls and little did I know that slowed down my progress even more. My problem is I'm putting the so called 9s and 10s on pedestals without realizing my own behaviour was reinforcing it. It wasn't until watching one of Julien's video, I realized how my solution was actually causing the problem. I didn't want to talk to unattractive girls because I was afraid it would drag my "value" down and it would mean I have "bad game", but I didn't realize that hot girls and ugly girls are no different in reality. It was all in my skewed perception that hot girls are different, so a few months ago when I decided to focus only on hot girls, I wasn't getting enough practice because first of all there aren't many of them and I was putting them on a even higher pedestal than before by only selectively talking to them and ignoring other opportunities. Also the fact that when I was only getting "rejected" by hot girls, I would start to think it's because she's hot, but now when I talked to unattractive girls, I realized they can also reject me too, and it's just my game needs improving in general. It removes that hot girl pedestal, and made me realize that girls are the same. So right now, I'm focusing on having genuine fun with unattractive girls, so I don't place so much "value" on hot girls. Never associate your action with your results. That was probably the most important quote from Julien. My ego was so attached to getting high quality girls, it stifled my progress!

 

[Smith]

I would go out, and then ONLY chat up mediocre girls because I KNEW they would respond well and I wasn't pushing myself.

That was me a few months ago...and I found this to be exactly the poisonous mindset that put really attractive girls on pedestal. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You KNEW they would respond well, so you act relax and more outcome independent. But when it comes to really attractive girls, you subconciously act differently and you're not "yourself".

1)when out to game, first get warmed up by talking to just whoever, normally less attractive girls until I feel pretty confident.

2)As soon as I feel somewhat In the zone, I through myself in the fire and talk to ALL the girls I find that make me nervous or I somewhat might be pedestalizing so that in the first little bit of being out, Ive got over the nerves and broke past some mental barriers and pushed myself out of my "quality comfort zone."

3)I focus on only the fact that I approached an intimidating set and do not focus on the outcome of the set.

4)Then, if I havent gotten any good prospects from my intimidating sets, I keep pushing on and game whoever looking for a hook from any girl. I focus on getting the pull even if I don't want a physical relationship with the girl. Sometimes, I get less good looking, but I've found in general, that the girls I have been going out with have been increasing in quality and my nerves when talking to the hotter girls has gone down immensly.

I like your process! Warming up with less attractive girls and have fun at first puts me in the "zone" and makes me don't really care if the more attractive girls respond to me or not. I especially like your last step, you continue to push yourself and "practice your game" even though you might not want to sleep with her. Most guys don't look at it from that POV. "Treat any girl like a 10" can improve your game so fast.

Found this gem the other day https://www.girlschase.com/content/...chase&utm_medium=sidebar&utm_campaign=sidebar
It resonates with Julien's idea of just talking to everyone and treat all girls the same in your mind.