I usually don’t mind being flaked on, I see as an opportunity for some time on my own.
But this time it was a bit different as I was in the mood for social interaction and hadn’t gone to another event to wait for her.
So now I was stranded.
MINDSET
I had recently read an interview from the author of the book “the obstacle is the way”, based on the stoic concept of looking at the positives in the face of what’s seemingly negative.
The author bases his book on what he considers one of the most seminal books ever: Meditations from Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius.
It’s funny, for most my life I always thought “new is better”: what the hell did those people living before the scientific revolution know?
Then you realize that the cream of crop of is actually not that different at any given time.
You just don’t built a great civilization with mediocre people, no matter what period you're talking about: Meditations is the book of a man who was already the most powerful man in the world, often regarded as a deity, and yet every night sat down to write how he cold improve and be better.
MEETING HER
Now back to the story.
I got to work to make the obstacle an opportunity for a much better night.
And I see and stop Hye, a ballet dancer, on her way to teaching a pilates class. It will be only one hour class and she hasn’t anything planned after that.
So we meet there again one hour later.
We go to a bar for a beer.
She goes to sit across the table, but I tell to sit beside me and she complies.
I am at the corner of the table, my back to the wall, “locked in” you might call, and I am turned towards her most of the times. Might seem I was giving too much interest away, but I saw it more like a position of power and she on the “hot seat” -as a subcommunication, otherwise make sure she has a good time, you’re not an interviewer-.
As the beers draw to an end, I propose we go watch a movie.
I fluff talk a bit on the way home to keep it light. Not being a big talker and disliking small talk I'm not too good at this, but when it's needed, I oblige.
As I'm about to open the door she says it's the first time she goes to a guy’s place, and by that I take it to mean it’s the first time she goes this quick.
And I reply "well, it's great to try new things no".
I kiss her on the neck quite soon, just to make sure we’re not being friends here.
THE MISTAKE
But I make a mistake: as I switch the TV on I really need to pee so I give her another neck kiss and leave her with the remote to go to the bathroom (I don’t speak the local language, the idea was she would set up the cable TV)
I know she’s not very comfortable yet. And I don’t have a good feeling about it.
But I think leaving her alone might take some pressure off with some physical distance and get her used to the environment.
I still don’t wanna take too long, but it’s a long pee and I wanna rinse my mouth too.
THE LUCKY STRIKE ( PLUS SKILS)
When I come out I was aghast to see her standing and... putting her coat on!
One arm is already in, ready to go for the other one, close to the first door (two doors: one to the kitchen, and with the second one you’re already outside).
15 seconds later she would have probably been in the kitchen already putting her shoes back on. Much more difficult stopping her from there.
30 seconds later she would have probably been outside and gone already.
Gosh, I get jittery just to think about it lol.
Needless to say, these are highly critical moments: you need to move quick and be resolute and calm at the same time.
In this instance, I control it superbly.
My movements are boldish: getting physically close, lightly grabbing her and partially obstructing the way to the door. But it’s very fluid, no jerkish reaction or panicking or being overbearing.
A slight smile on my face as I say something like “what are you doing”, with an half amused intonation, as if that was the strangest thing in the world.
Your movements have to be bold as you DO need to stop her, yet at the same time you have to neuter that somehow not to make her feel in a cage.
You absolutely don’t wanna come across as panicking or rushing or it might set in motion a “you the hunter rushing to get the bird, she the prey in flight who’s now gotta run faster”.
She says she gotta go a few times.
My voice is very calm and convinced at the same time. I look her in the eyes still with a lightly amused expression and tell her something like
Here I paint the image of the way out: not just us “staying in”, which might make her feel in a cage, but the image of us staying in for a while, and then going out together. Me walking with her is a knight-y touch which helps comfort.
She stops for a second, it’s my moment to swing the situation back in our favor with some real “I understand you and you’re safe” talk :
ESCALATION
It had been a few months I wanted to open a topic on how to escalate with a movie as I had never done it.
Well, there's always a first time as they say. For me it was: you don't really watch the movie at all
But this time it was a bit different as I was in the mood for social interaction and hadn’t gone to another event to wait for her.
So now I was stranded.
MINDSET
I had recently read an interview from the author of the book “the obstacle is the way”, based on the stoic concept of looking at the positives in the face of what’s seemingly negative.
The author bases his book on what he considers one of the most seminal books ever: Meditations from Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius.
It’s funny, for most my life I always thought “new is better”: what the hell did those people living before the scientific revolution know?
Then you realize that the cream of crop of is actually not that different at any given time.
You just don’t built a great civilization with mediocre people, no matter what period you're talking about: Meditations is the book of a man who was already the most powerful man in the world, often regarded as a deity, and yet every night sat down to write how he cold improve and be better.
MEETING HER
Now back to the story.
I got to work to make the obstacle an opportunity for a much better night.
And I see and stop Hye, a ballet dancer, on her way to teaching a pilates class. It will be only one hour class and she hasn’t anything planned after that.
So we meet there again one hour later.
We go to a bar for a beer.
She goes to sit across the table, but I tell to sit beside me and she complies.
I am at the corner of the table, my back to the wall, “locked in” you might call, and I am turned towards her most of the times. Might seem I was giving too much interest away, but I saw it more like a position of power and she on the “hot seat” -as a subcommunication, otherwise make sure she has a good time, you’re not an interviewer-.
As the beers draw to an end, I propose we go watch a movie.
I fluff talk a bit on the way home to keep it light. Not being a big talker and disliking small talk I'm not too good at this, but when it's needed, I oblige.
As I'm about to open the door she says it's the first time she goes to a guy’s place, and by that I take it to mean it’s the first time she goes this quick.
And I reply "well, it's great to try new things no".
I kiss her on the neck quite soon, just to make sure we’re not being friends here.
THE MISTAKE
But I make a mistake: as I switch the TV on I really need to pee so I give her another neck kiss and leave her with the remote to go to the bathroom (I don’t speak the local language, the idea was she would set up the cable TV)
I know she’s not very comfortable yet. And I don’t have a good feeling about it.
But I think leaving her alone might take some pressure off with some physical distance and get her used to the environment.
I still don’t wanna take too long, but it’s a long pee and I wanna rinse my mouth too.
THE LUCKY STRIKE ( PLUS SKILS)
When I come out I was aghast to see her standing and... putting her coat on!
One arm is already in, ready to go for the other one, close to the first door (two doors: one to the kitchen, and with the second one you’re already outside).
15 seconds later she would have probably been in the kitchen already putting her shoes back on. Much more difficult stopping her from there.
30 seconds later she would have probably been outside and gone already.
Gosh, I get jittery just to think about it lol.
Needless to say, these are highly critical moments: you need to move quick and be resolute and calm at the same time.
In this instance, I control it superbly.
My movements are boldish: getting physically close, lightly grabbing her and partially obstructing the way to the door. But it’s very fluid, no jerkish reaction or panicking or being overbearing.
A slight smile on my face as I say something like “what are you doing”, with an half amused intonation, as if that was the strangest thing in the world.
Your movements have to be bold as you DO need to stop her, yet at the same time you have to neuter that somehow not to make her feel in a cage.
You absolutely don’t wanna come across as panicking or rushing or it might set in motion a “you the hunter rushing to get the bird, she the prey in flight who’s now gotta run faster”.
She says she gotta go a few times.
My voice is very calm and convinced at the same time. I look her in the eyes still with a lightly amused expression and tell her something like
Here I paint the image of the way out: not just us “staying in”, which might make her feel in a cage, but the image of us staying in for a while, and then going out together. Me walking with her is a knight-y touch which helps comfort.
She stops for a second, it’s my moment to swing the situation back in our favor with some real “I understand you and you’re safe” talk :
ESCALATION
It had been a few months I wanted to open a topic on how to escalate with a movie as I had never done it.
Well, there's always a first time as they say. For me it was: you don't really watch the movie at all
