Socializing The "pick-on blame game" : how to contrast in a socially savvy way ?

[lux7]

The other day a guy sitting near to me spilled a glass of water, and it also partially landed on my desk and a bit on some documents laying around.

He's a bit of the typical bad boy kind of guy, loud, touchy, lewd when other guys are around.. I've always been polite enough but never gave him too much credit or importance.

All cool with him... Except for when he did something which reminded me of what the more bullying-prone kids used to do back in school: (half jokingly) blame someone else.
And loudly said something like "Lux, please be more careful the next time".

You know, the typical format for the pick-on blaming is:

1. Someone makes an obvious blunder, nothing serious and no bones it was him
2. He picks someone around (probably someone he feels he can pick on)
3. And (jokingly/half jokingly) blames him for the blunder
4. (optional) a few others people aroud might join in the ganging up of the innocent one

I was a bit taken aback and didn't know how to reply from there, especially because another "bad boy style" kid supported him in the joke.
So I just ignored.

Any idea guys on how one could go about in these situations?

 

[Drck]

Hey Lux, note that you are really talking about confidence. He in non-aggressive way invaded another guy's space, he blamed another guy in a funny non-threatening way and so forth... It's not really about blaming, it is about placing himself above the other guy (in a socially accepted way)...

That's confidence, and as we know girls love confident guys... You should have replied in similar matter, not necessary to 'beat him' or be in any way aggressive, but rather show that you have balls to protect your territory...

 

[lux7]

Thank you Drck, yes indeed it's about placing onself above, agree.
In a more bad-boyish childish way, I believe, but doesn't change the fact it was a positioning-move (I have seen that exact behaviour often, but the last time it was in high school).

but in which way could one have replied to that?
Even now that I think about it I can't come up with anything, let alone "in real time"..

 

[Drck]

Yea, that is tough... There is no way to give you some sentences, because it is not really about the words, it is about true confidence... If you are confident you can say anything and it will feel right. If you are not confident, you can be smart and outspoken as hell, yet it will just not sound right anyway...

It all depends on your oveall frame, on your personality... Are you more of a funny, outgoing guy? Or more reserved, sort of silent, serious and strong type? Either way, that's how you should base your answers. The answers should be congruent with your personality.

For example, more funny and outgoing guy could easily say, perhaps in more funny way: Damn man, look at you, you got shaky hands and you made everything wet around. Not that is something wrong with making people wet around you but blah blah...
Now you sort of projected sexy answer, also in funny, non-threatening way...

More serious, silent type could simply just give annoying look, expressing annoyance with such behavior....

Again, it is not about words, it is more about congruance, about projecting confidence....

 

[lux7]

Thank you man, good points!

For the record what happened next was that I stayed indeed silent as another guy around also ganged up with the joke (in a very childish manner, though he was indeed rather young).

As the two pushed the joke with my reaction being only a slight smile at the beginning and then back to serious/ignoring without any words and reaction, it was becoming clear I didn't like the joke.
As they kept going a bit that made their position socially awkward as the annoying guys who keep aping around without getting anywhere with their "target".

Now in school this could have further escalated into higher forms of bullying, like more and more people joining and/or possibly getting physical. Now the same situation in school or in younger/uncontrolled environment would have probably called for higher forms of reaction to stop it from snowballing into a vicious circle.

But in an office environment all that noise was putting them in a bad spot more than it was myself (though I thought wasn't putting me in a great light either as I was still the guy on the receiving end AND I was probably looking a bit too stern / overly serious and people usually don't love a stiff).

Anyway, this is where the guy takes it 3 notches higher: having gotten no reaction from me at all he then asks if the documents were anything important and without waiting for an answer he then picks one from my desk to take a look at it for a second before putting it back (all papers were facing with their printed side down, so he picks one to check it on the written side).
Note: the documents were at the end of my desk, closer to him than to me. In these cases the closer to you what he picks up, the bigger the affront as the invasion is much more serious.

That was where he physically invaded my space, probably in a subconscious effort to claim some points back.

Now that was another situation I wasn't sure how to react on, but I couldn't let this guy get so far without still no (re)action at all, so when he put it back I re-wiped and slightly moved the block of papers (re-touching something soon after re-states you are the owner and gives a sense of "this is my stuff, get your paws off of it") and made a comment saying "only a 200k contact", I let it sit a couple second and then added "just joking, all good man".
To which he now remained silent, which made my comment sound poor but on the other end allowed me to get the last word.

I should have probably been more aggressive there putting my hand out to reclaim the paper without allowing him to put it back by himself and maybe adding "that's client confidential material man, please don't read it" though that would have made me look probably a stickler for the rules AND very confrontational (and on deeper thought dumb for leaving confidential stuff 24/7 on my desk).

As it happened, it probably was a slight minus for me and either a neutral or a slight minus for him as well for behaving in a childish-boisterous way.

 

[lux7]

Lol thank you for the wake up call slay, really!

He did run to get napkins as soon as it happened, the whole blaming thing game happened while he was cleaning up.


He'd later try to get lunch with me though he still gets too touchy, he likely thinks I'm weaker (and most likely was in that situation) and wanted to test the water and/or mark territory.
Since the first time he sat there he started playing the tough guy.
I dislike these guys throwing their weight around (and think I'm easy pick cause I'm thin and small

It's gonna be interesting

Thank you guys!