The torment of failure and regrets : description and how to get over it

[lux7]

Hi,

I am writing you all this open letter to see if I'm the only one "suffering" from it and/or if it's common and, if so, to see how you guys cope with it or how you overcame it.

Has it ever happened to you that you fuck it up with a girl... And just wallow in pain and anger after it?

You feel angry, you want a second chance, you think how could you have been so stupid, you think of all the other possible behaviors which could have led to a different result.
You feel you missed a great occasion and you just can't stop thinking about it.

And no, if you think a new girl will fully fix it, then you don't share the same issue/mentality, because no amount of new girls will change the fact you missed a chance and "you could have that one too", if you just weren't too stupid of course.

Below quoted there's an example to make the point clearer, but it's only one example, it could apply to a million other occasions.

WHEN IT HAPPENS

By now I know it hits you harder when:

• 
  -You like her (conditio sine qua non);
  
  -You feel you could have gotten her (conditio sine qua non);
  
  -You feel you could have "done better" (conditio sine qua non);
  
  -You were close (or feel you were close);
  
  -You know you'll hardly have another chance;
  
  -You invested in the interaction and/or in her (time, resources, thoughts..);
  
  -You feel that "had you done that other way", the results would have likely been much better;
  
  -You see her with another guy;
  
  -You feel a "girl like her" is rare (a bit of scarcity mindset is related, yes, but it's only one of many elements)

PERSONALITY

As a personality, I feel you're more prone to feel this way when:

• 
  
  -You're very competitive;
  
  -You can't stand losing (as a kid I would kick the wall before learning to tie shoes and "trying" anyway)
  
  -Past successes mean squat to you: it's the last one which makes you happy or furious;
  
  -It's hard for you to feel fully satisfied: the "biggest achievement" is always the next one;
  
  -You're romantic (it's not "love", but you develop feelings easily and quickly -and you enjoy it-);
  
  -Losses are bigger than wins: you just did what you had to do in wins, but you fucked it up in losses;
  
  -You're overly critical: In victories, there's always "something" that helped you or "something" missing to perfection. In losses, you just fucked it up and of course there was a way to make it;
  
  -Winning for you trumps the "how" (never understood people happy when their team had "good game" but lost, and people complaining your winning team plays defensively don't even register)

EXAMPLE
Today I was out, very happy and relaxed and I didn't even have a "get laid" mindset, just enjoying socialization and multiple conversations.
Most of all went great, didn't mind the one that didn't go too well and was also having multiple contact exchanges (including one as beautiful as the girl of the following interaction).

Then everything changes. I sit by a girl. A very inexperienced girl I found super cute.

She has just rejected a guy, but was happy to engage me.

We talk for a while as she's waiting for her friends to come back from a different place (a rather good occasion).
I then muck it up going for the kiss and she pulls back. Rather than pulling back myself, I move her hair to kiss her neck and that's when it was too much and she gets up.
I react so cool compared to such a blunder that she actually lingers and is even willing to exchange contact after that, but still doesn't want to sit back and goes back to the club.

Later she walks out with a guy and says something to me while I smile at her as she passes by.

It's been hours and I can't get over it.

I later went on to meet some new girls too, but my mind was still mostly on that missed chance.

It's almost unbelievable how these small heartbreaks sting almost as much as the only "real" heartbreak I've ever had from an actual long term relationship with a woman I used to love.

YOUR THOUGHTS

So, does the same happen to you?

Do you cope with it, somehow, or are you still under its effects?
And if the former: how?

 

[Smith]

Stay positive. Don't beat yourself up over it. We're all learning here =) Another chance will come by and you will get better as long as you keep moving forward.

And no, if you think a new girl will fully fix it, then you don't share the same issue/mentality, because no amount of new girls will change the fact you missed a chance and "you could have that one too", if you just weren't too stupid of course.

This is just scarcity. Of course you can't change your past!! No amount of new girls will change the fact that you've "missed your chance" 1000 times before....but who cares? This mindset is not helping you, so ditch it. When the next girl comes along, does she care how many times you've missed your chance with previous girls. Of course not! so focus on the present moment that matters. Don't beat yourself up when you're learning. It makes no sense. Just believe in yourself that you will get better and when the right girl comes along you will not get in your own way and have a great time with her.

Also looking back into all the close calls I've had, I realized that even if I did get together with that girl I really wanted, it would have fucked up my journey because I just wasn't ready to be with her.

 

[Hector Papi Castillo]

Also looking back into all the close calls I've had, I realized that even if I did get together with that girl I really wanted, it would have fucked up my journey because I just wasn't ready to be with her.

This. Hella this.

If you didn't get her, it wasn't meant to be. If you don't even want to buy into the fate argument, it's simple causality (the efficient cause, if you want the Aristotelian term)

If you didn't get her, it's because you couldn't. I.e., you weren't ready.

That should solve a lot of angst. But then there's still the anger at yourself for not being ready, right?

I have two responses to this, all of which combine quite nicely and usually soothe my suffering (and I suffer hard; I beat myself up for messing shit up with girls, cuz I love my bitches).

1. You can't get every girl - seems too simple? Well, then it's probably correct. You just can't (but you can damn well try).

2. There is a practical infinity of women for you - maybe only a few billion literally, but considering how much time you have on earth, and the amount of women coming of age, becoming single (not always a prerequisite, of course =^D), you will never run out of women. Ever. Everytime I think I do, I walk outside and bam, another cute girl. It's like they were all put there for me to play with

I actually have a third one, too, but it requires a particular view of existence.

These solutions are simple, and the only thing preventing the cessation of suffering is that you don't believe it. By all means express the complexities of your suffering (I know i do - I'm more verbose than anyone about my petty problems ), but recognize that when the moment of calm descends upon you, it will simply be an acceptance of what happened.

It is the way it is.

The universe is a playground, my friend. All of our self-abuse and torment is pure vanity. But that's okay, because all is vanity

Hector