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- Jan 24, 2021
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- 2,304
Today I learned an important lesson about the true value of embarrassment, and its acquaintance vulnerability.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning with something I want to express for the day. Today, I wanted to be me.
What does it mean to be me? That’s a complicated question, but what it meant to me today was to not question my emotions, and not to retreat or become defensive when expressing these emotions put me in a vulnerable position. Instead, I would simply hold the position and accept who I was, in that moment.
But what can one do to hold a position, without retreating, when placed in a position of social pressure? There is nothing that becomes creepy or awkward faster than someone who appears to be simply unaware of some kind of social norm or expected behavior, who stands there after doing something unusual or clumsy, like some kind of glitch in the matrix, a standing target for expressions of anxiety, fear and aggression from those around them.
The answer is embarrassment.
Embarrassment is what allows you to continue, according to the laws of social interaction, when you do something that it does not call for. It is a sort of offering to others, to the social order itself, that allows other people to accept the fact that you are there in an unusual position, that alleviates the necessity to escape and avoid you like an anomaly from some other dimension.
But that is not all that embarrassment grants someone. For one thing, it enables them to remain in touch with themselves rather than having to rush to cover something up or pretend it never existed. That means that it grants you the ability to smile, to share in the same reaction that others might have toward you, and simultaneously build a sort of rapport through this shared emotion even as you move to the position of highest social risk.
There is another thing that embarrassment grants you. It grants you an intuitive understanding of your own limits, according to your character. Without embarrassment, how does one know when they have gone too far? How do they understand and react properly to their own behavior, in a way that others can relate to? Because if embarrassment does not exist at that limit, there can only be aggression or fear. But aggression and fear are not stable emotions, they require motion and action, one forward and the other back. Either the headlong rush toward chaos, or a forced retreat to what is known. But the beauty of embarrassment is that it enables you to simply stay there, to look around and catch a glimpse, on the frontier of social normality, of the possibilities that lie beyond – and hence, what you might be able to do to reach them safely.
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, embarrassment is a signal of pride. That wonderful, ideal emotion, the fuel of greatness, that which is feasted on by the gods. If one has pride, it means that there is something in themselves that they value strongly. And if there is something that they value, then they are by their own actions capable of putting that thing in jeopardy. And embarrassment is the only way to simultaneously express that pride in oneself, and admit a mistake or failure, or even just an awkwardness.
…
When I got to my coworking place, I spoke with the wonderful people in the office next to mine, who (coincidentally?) opened up about the difficulties of finding business in their field. They were able to express some of that anxiety, because they sensed that I was capable of showing sympathetic embarrassment (something I have often struggled with), and because I expressed it, they were able to accept me hearing it and even feel good about it. Vulnerability and embarrassment worked hand in hand to increase the rapport between us.
I also did some daygame today (well, evening game). It was no different. I only talked to two girls – it was very quiet around where I usually go walking. One had a boyfriend, but thanked me for my compliment.
The other passed me at a brisk pace when I was walking along. I only saw her from behind, a very cute, slim and athletic body. She seemed to be acting a little bit aggressive, striding past other people like a little tram on a track. Soon she was out of sight, but as I rounded a corner, there she was, stretching.
Immediately I felt hesitant. What if she was having a bad day, and blew me out? I felt the knot of tension start to form. And then I remembered, smiling to myself. I would just be embarrassed if she blew me out. I would give her the opportunity to find me unusual, and share in her reaction.
I approached her from the side, she had some earbuds in. At first she didn’t seem to notice me. Uh oh, she’s going to pretend I don’t even exist! I lean in and wave in her face, tell her I wanted to say hi because she’s cute, ready for anything.
She laughs gaily, and the huge smile doesn’t leave her face the whole time. She’s not angry, and I’m not weird. We’re just two people who seem to like each other. The conversation is easy, and when it slows down, and I can’t think of something to say, I just smile with a touch of embarrassment, looking into her eyes. She sees this and smiles openly to me, and an awkward pause turns into a moment of slowed time, shared between us.
Afterward as I walk away after effortlessly acquiring her number, it occurs to me that had I not been able to be vulnerable, and embarrassed, what turned out to be one of the most wonderful and spontaneous interactions I’ve had might have easily been an awkward, unpleasant event, a scribbled note in the log book that offers more questions than answers.
Be embarrassed, my friends.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning with something I want to express for the day. Today, I wanted to be me.
What does it mean to be me? That’s a complicated question, but what it meant to me today was to not question my emotions, and not to retreat or become defensive when expressing these emotions put me in a vulnerable position. Instead, I would simply hold the position and accept who I was, in that moment.
But what can one do to hold a position, without retreating, when placed in a position of social pressure? There is nothing that becomes creepy or awkward faster than someone who appears to be simply unaware of some kind of social norm or expected behavior, who stands there after doing something unusual or clumsy, like some kind of glitch in the matrix, a standing target for expressions of anxiety, fear and aggression from those around them.
The answer is embarrassment.
Embarrassment is what allows you to continue, according to the laws of social interaction, when you do something that it does not call for. It is a sort of offering to others, to the social order itself, that allows other people to accept the fact that you are there in an unusual position, that alleviates the necessity to escape and avoid you like an anomaly from some other dimension.
But that is not all that embarrassment grants someone. For one thing, it enables them to remain in touch with themselves rather than having to rush to cover something up or pretend it never existed. That means that it grants you the ability to smile, to share in the same reaction that others might have toward you, and simultaneously build a sort of rapport through this shared emotion even as you move to the position of highest social risk.
There is another thing that embarrassment grants you. It grants you an intuitive understanding of your own limits, according to your character. Without embarrassment, how does one know when they have gone too far? How do they understand and react properly to their own behavior, in a way that others can relate to? Because if embarrassment does not exist at that limit, there can only be aggression or fear. But aggression and fear are not stable emotions, they require motion and action, one forward and the other back. Either the headlong rush toward chaos, or a forced retreat to what is known. But the beauty of embarrassment is that it enables you to simply stay there, to look around and catch a glimpse, on the frontier of social normality, of the possibilities that lie beyond – and hence, what you might be able to do to reach them safely.
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, embarrassment is a signal of pride. That wonderful, ideal emotion, the fuel of greatness, that which is feasted on by the gods. If one has pride, it means that there is something in themselves that they value strongly. And if there is something that they value, then they are by their own actions capable of putting that thing in jeopardy. And embarrassment is the only way to simultaneously express that pride in oneself, and admit a mistake or failure, or even just an awkwardness.
…
When I got to my coworking place, I spoke with the wonderful people in the office next to mine, who (coincidentally?) opened up about the difficulties of finding business in their field. They were able to express some of that anxiety, because they sensed that I was capable of showing sympathetic embarrassment (something I have often struggled with), and because I expressed it, they were able to accept me hearing it and even feel good about it. Vulnerability and embarrassment worked hand in hand to increase the rapport between us.
I also did some daygame today (well, evening game). It was no different. I only talked to two girls – it was very quiet around where I usually go walking. One had a boyfriend, but thanked me for my compliment.
The other passed me at a brisk pace when I was walking along. I only saw her from behind, a very cute, slim and athletic body. She seemed to be acting a little bit aggressive, striding past other people like a little tram on a track. Soon she was out of sight, but as I rounded a corner, there she was, stretching.
Immediately I felt hesitant. What if she was having a bad day, and blew me out? I felt the knot of tension start to form. And then I remembered, smiling to myself. I would just be embarrassed if she blew me out. I would give her the opportunity to find me unusual, and share in her reaction.
I approached her from the side, she had some earbuds in. At first she didn’t seem to notice me. Uh oh, she’s going to pretend I don’t even exist! I lean in and wave in her face, tell her I wanted to say hi because she’s cute, ready for anything.
She laughs gaily, and the huge smile doesn’t leave her face the whole time. She’s not angry, and I’m not weird. We’re just two people who seem to like each other. The conversation is easy, and when it slows down, and I can’t think of something to say, I just smile with a touch of embarrassment, looking into her eyes. She sees this and smiles openly to me, and an awkward pause turns into a moment of slowed time, shared between us.
Afterward as I walk away after effortlessly acquiring her number, it occurs to me that had I not been able to be vulnerable, and embarrassed, what turned out to be one of the most wonderful and spontaneous interactions I’ve had might have easily been an awkward, unpleasant event, a scribbled note in the log book that offers more questions than answers.
Be embarrassed, my friends.
