Long-Term There's this girl

[Anonymous]

Hi, I found your page interesting and a bit different then all the others I've been visiting, hence I decided to write.

I'm 32, moved back home last October after three years of travelling and living abroad, opened my own business, bought an apartment and developed a strange idea to settle down with a long term relationship. My problem is I blow each attempt. I understand I do something wrong, because statistically some of them must have been a good catch.

Since October, I've been going out with over 40 different girls, I actually stopped counting at some point. I got laid with some of them, I got into a relationship with one of them, and I tried to have a relationship with a few. In the end my impression always was that they were not the right one, for various reasons: girls I wouldn't like any of my friends to see me with either because they were not super attractive, much younger (I'm looking for someone closer to my age) or not at my intellectual level. Some were divorced with kids, looking for fun but not at all interested in relationships. Some were super desperate to find a husband, hence eager to get laid, easy to seduce, but who wants to be in a relationship with a needy-greedy chick!? Usually not the kind of girl you want to take home.

Now there's this one particular girl I'm seeing for the last two weeks. A perfect combination of gorgeous looks, great wit and awesome sense of humor. She calls me, she asks me out, but she also says, she wants to take things slow and see what happens. Well, I know what will happen. I can date other girls elsewhere, thing is I don't want to. As we haven't slept yet I am still seeing other girls, but I'm kind of tired trying. Most of my friends are living together with their significant others, and I believe I'm really ready for the long-term run.

Based on my previous experience, I'm pretty sure I may and will screw things up with either trying to make out with her too soon for her - been there, done that. Or worse, end up in the friends zone - no, thanks, already have a pretty fine circle of friends.
Right form the first date I tried to communicate to her I'm not looking for a new friend. Also when she said she wants to keep it slow I said it's fine I respect her terms. The thing is I can wait, but I don't want to be wasting my time. I also strongly believe she's a really great person, based on my previous encounters, not the kind of person you meet frequently. I could be really happy with her and I'm not willing to date other girls (yet, I kind of am).
I don't know how to make her show me what she wants, whether she boxed me into a prospect partner/possible husband material which is fine for me or the suck-it friend-guy?

Normally with previous girls, I would be trying to get to their pants at this point. Thing is it never worked out with the nice ones. Either because it turned out they were only looking for fun, not really looking for any type of relationship, or because they were saying we can only be friends. I've been there, not a cool place to be.
Any clues are appreciated?

 

[Chase]

Rufian-

Changing your strategy because you think a girl is special is a tempting strategy for lots of guys, but the results are nearly always the same:

• Attraction Has an Expiration Date
• Can't Stop Thinking About Her? Here's Why You Need to Meet More Girls

I'd advise sleeping with her ASAP. You mentioned some reasons it hasn't worked out for you with nice women:

• Just want to have fun
• Don't want a relationship
• Friend zone

#1 you can work with if you're a catch as well; once they're in the sack, just give them blockbuster sex, a slow reveal of your qualities as a mate, and 3 to 6 months, and they will generally be pushing for commitment full steam ahead.

#2 you can work with so long as you get her into a bed; it's the same deal as #1. Make the first experience phenomenal, make everything super casual, and let her keep coming back for more.

For either of those, see this article: How to Start a Relationship with a New Girlfriend.

And where #3 is the case, you WANT to find that out early, so you can cut the girl off and quit being hung up on a girl with zero interest in you.

In all cases, going for the close is ideal.

As for your standards:

• Girls who aren't cute enough: a fling is fine, but yeah, not women you want as partners. Marriages where the wife is less attractive than the husband tend to be unhappy ones.

• Girls who're much younger / not clever enough: probably want to change your screening criteria.

• Divorced with kids looking for fun: well, they already have baggage in tow(!), but if you dig such a girl, follow the steps from above with her.

• Desperate husband hunters: these girls make poor decisions in general and I wouldn't trust a relationship with one to be built on the right stuff. So, good call here I'd say.

I'd focus on screening and just try to keep the funnel full with new women, screen for the qualities you like as quickly as you can, and tear through a bunch until you find one that really clicks. Might be this new girl if you can wrangle her into bed and things stick with her; might be someone else if it doesn't work out or she doesn't turn out to be that good of a match.

But keep the line of new women flowing until you find one it's definitely on with and who matches what you're looking for, and you will find her, though depending on where in the world you are and what the women are like there that may be a faster process or it may be a slower one. Doable pretty much everywhere though, and your standards will tend to shift over time to match your environment and what you get in it as well - if you're worried you're being too picky for the girls in your area, that's something that will tend to go away once you've dated around there for a bit. Or, if you're still not happy, provided your business isn't tied to the area and you're able to hire a property management firm to rent out your apartment, sometimes an impossible hunt carried out in one town is easy as pie in another.

Chase