Time to cut contact?

[kieran516]

Hey all, beginner with women here.

I have a question: Is it time to cut contact with this girl and if so, do i give a reason why or simply stop replying?

Story:
Met said girl three months ago, met all her family, went to lots of events. Put in too much effort/money on my side, i realize now i was doing the chasing... lately shes seeming distant and recently found out she is on "Plenty of Fish" dating site to get more "lad mates" - i find this sketchy and believe she is a bit of an attention seeker.

I found myself extending invitations to her, but always getting the same lame excuses "busy", "don't know", "tired" and "will let you know". It ended up with me seeing her on her terms; i believe she has been stringing me along. There has been times where she showed more interest in me, mostly when she was curious what i was up to or who i went with. Nowadays it seems i'm an orbiter, perhaps shes placed me as one of her "providers" and keeping me around as a backup option in case she needs something/can't find someone better.

Other reasons for me believing shes an attention whore, is the simple fact she has flirted twice on Facebook, has so many lad mates; seeking more male companions on a dating website. Besides these, there has also been a lot of drama from her, she hates it if she doesn't receive a reply to her message after a few hours - assumes she is being ignored and so then gives bad attitude.

I know the rule of thumb for beginners is if after two months you don't "have the girl" then should cut contact and move on, i just wonder if this is definitely the right decision? Extra info: we have slept together three times, whether that matters.

 

[ray_zorse]

Yep, get rid of her.

My general rule when it comes to texting is, if I see no advantage to myself in replying, I don't reply... this means cut her loose when she misbehaves. Recently, I had a girl as angry as hell at me, because she texted "I'm not ready to date blah blah" so obviously I did not respond... because I never reward girls with attention in return for their throwing up roadblocks. A month or two later I texted her as part of a mass text to invite her to a party... hehe... this is when I got the angry text. So I knew I was doing something right. Remember -- you're in it for yourself!

I suggest to read the article on the main site about the NEXT and the soft NEXT... clearly, if she's creating drama cos you took more than an hour to respond to her text, she deserves a soft NEXT... which means you don't respond to her for 10 days or so. And, when/if you do get in contact, you don't refer to the drama in any way. Then, she learns not to create drama. Anything else you do will only reward the drama and thus feed it and make it worse for next time.

Go approach some more women.

-Ray

 

[Drck]

Yes, ideally you'll get rid of her. Remove yourself from the orbital.

Things are not always black and white though. You invested a lot into this girl, you are still after her, so right now she feels quite "safe", she knows you are in her orbital thus she can look for other mates.

So now you drop everything, stop contacting her, "cool off" with messaging and so on. She might get alarmed, she will know right away that something is going on because you changed your behavior. If she is not interested in you, well, you have nothing to gain anyway. She won't care. On the other hand, she might still like you a lot, and she might start chasing you (especially when you already slept with her). Which you can use in your advantage, you can sleep with her more times.

The trick is in not chasing her. She shows an interest, you invite her out, she goes, you sleep with her and you give her a great time. She leaves - and you don't chase. Now she's got to wonder why are you not chasing her if you had such a good time? So she'll come back again, this time show her even greater time.

Now you developed new frame, new habit, now she is chasing you, and each time she exerts good effort she is rewarded by sex. She leaves, her interest drops - and she is rewarded with nothing, no attention, no sex, nada.

This is actually very powerful technique. There is a girl I met last summer, and because I've seen her only 2 times I was pushing quite intensively to have sex on second date. So I invested a lot, I invested lots of energy into it. She had her barriers up, and basically she rejected every attempt to have sex. So she did nothing, she was just on defensive. Then I dropped everything, smiled and left as if nothing happened, left as if we were great friends. It took her probably 2 days to realize what has actually happened, and I swear, since that she is emailing me at least 1-2 per week. It is even annoying how many times she's contacted me since... The thing is, I can simply dump her, forget her and never respond to her. Or, I can simply reply with 1-2 sentences, be 'cold and friendly' - and have an easy lay with no effort next time I see her...

You can simply keep your back door open for the future, she's just a girl out there that you used to like a lot, now you just keep occasional contact, and there is the possibility that may see her sometime in the future and still have a great time...

 

[kieran516]

Thanks guys, one question regarding a method of communication "Snap Chat", do you think it removes intrigue and so forth as people can see where you are/what you're doing. So best idea is to not use it?

 

[ray_zorse]

Hmm. Well Ihaven't actualoly used SnapChat, I know it has the somewhat gimmicky feature of being able to send pictures that (usually) cannot be saved, but I'm going to assume it's pretty much like Facebook, Twitter, LINE, ... in having a general mix of social media features.

Basically, social media is about attention and validation. This is something best left to girls (why do you think they put on their tightest, skimpiest dresses and loads of makeup and then go to a club and stay in their tight group blowing off all the guys who approach the group? Same reason). Think of all the people you know who post their whole life on Facebook. What proportion of them are girls? And of the guys in that group... do you consider them strong, masculine men?

Well, I wasn't a strong masculine man... back when I used to have Facebook. And I used to post a good proportion of my life on it... pictures of myself with my girlfriend... with my kids... with my buddies... etc "Look how cool I am, I've got a hot girlfriend 10yr younger than me! Look what a good father I am! And how popular!"... if I got a lot of likes for a picture or status... I felt like king dick. This is self reinforcing and quite addictive. Now, I don't seek others' approval.

Yes, you are right, GPS features and "how long since I was online" etc, helps women to keep tabs on you. What I particularly hate is the "message has been read" feature on most instant messaging apps. Do not use them! Unless you are incredibly devious and able to turn it to your advantage! Just use straight SMS... Viber or Whatsapp if you absolutely have to... and remain mysterious, don't let your conquests have your life as an ebook (thanks Franco )

-Ray

 

[kieran516]

This girl recently was commenting on my mothers Facebook page and "liking" my comments even though i de-friended her. She said things like "might come round for tea" etc, anyway does this soft next begin when i first receive a text off her, or just since last communicated?

Oh and a few days ago, she mentioned how we haven't seen each other in a while; so i said "Let's change that. Shall we meet up for a game of bowling sometime in the next two weeks?" to which i got a vague response off her saying how she didn't know what she had planned, claimed she always forgets things until someone mentions it to her a day beforehand and that she would let me know if she gets time.

Thanks again in advance for your reply.

 

[ray_zorse]

Oh, well, this is easy to deal with.

The soft NEXT begins when she commits a soft NEXTable offense.

In this context, not moving things forward with you is a soft NEXTable offense IMO, cos it's part of a pattern of behaviour and it's also contradicting what she said to you a moment ago i.e. "haven't seen you", implication "I'd like to catch up". So if you get some vague response or an excuse you just ignore her for 10 days, sound reasonable?

Also, since you can see the pattern, don't fall for it next time. She says, haven't seen you. You reply yeah, haven't seen you either. Don't fall for the social pressure she is putting on you to be a supplicant. Your time is valuable, it isn't handed out to just anyone. You're a high value man, act like one!

Another thing to remember is you never accept maybe's -- we call this holding leverage and it's a trick that girls love to pull if you let them. I have a chick who is moderately well behaved and who I want in my rotation... we discussed a date and I eventually proposed a concrete plan for last Sat morning, she responded well, she's been real tired cos back to work after holidays and wants a quiet weekend and she'll have to see what happens. I didn't soft NEXT cos I believed she was legit so I sent back a friendly msg saying I'd assume Sat was nogo and that she'd contact me when things settle down (and adding that hopefully I'd be up to date on the housework by then, thus matching her frame). Hence I refused to give her leverage (I won't keep it free on the offchance without a commitment from her) and neatly threw it back into her court. She responded with agreement and thanking me for understanding and I didn't reply cos I don't send the last text in an interaction. It could have been a brush off but I'm easy either way, I could ping her later but will try not to.

Hopefully this gives you a better idea how to handle things.

-Ray

 

[kieran516]

When i do decide to get back in contact, would it would be best to say something along these lines: Hey name, sorry i've been radio silent these past two weeks; i wasn't ignoring you. I've been absolutely swamped [give some excuse]. How'd your week go?

Or is an excuse and apology not warranted in this case, what do you think?

 

[luego]

When i do decide to get back in contact, would it would be best to say something along these lines: Hey name, sorry i've been radio silent these past two weeks; i wasn't ignoring you. I've been absolutely swamped [give some excuse]. How'd your week go?

Or is an excuse and apology not warranted in this case, what do you think?

Definitely unwarranted. She's misbehaving, don't reward her. Of COURSE she could have freed up an hour or 2 for bowling in a 2 week period, if her dream-guy had been asking.

You did well, when she pinged you, to try set concrete plans. I think you were likely too open "in the next 2 weeks", but the "Let's change that." was strong and directive. If you're still interested in chasing this girl (a different problem altogether), I'd go radio-silent a week or 2, and then if you haven't heard from her, re-engage. But the re-engage needs to be strong. Dates and times. Give her a couple options - "Hey suzie, haven't talked to you forever. Craving that italian place we went to. Which evening this week works for you?". Not sure if I'd try repore first - this is a girl you've already slept with multiple times. If she gives you a similar "I'm not sure if I have plans", I'd either give up on her completely, or hard-push ("well then, now you do. 7pm Tuesday. Wear something cute"). Put her on the spot, and she'll step up or step back. But expect at this stage she's going to step back.

Honestly, it sounds like if you just had something cuter around, she'd be falling back into your arms.

 

[kieran516]

Thanks for the advice, I believe I had just grown too attached to her, and as i'm sort of a beginner I now realize all the things i did wrong - I had came across as needy/clingy when i said in the past "if i could i'd see you everyday i would". Then of course i also went through the obsessive stage of unrequited love, checking facebook/snapchat and that which didn't help my cause at all. I let myself do the chasing; saw her always on her terms, made myself too available which in term made me seem boring/she had lost some interest and so forth.

Though through the guidance of this website and all of your advice I have learned a great deal and shall try not to make the same mistakes in any future endeavor.