Tips for making things more natural??

[Byron]

Hey seducers!
It's Byron. I'm just getting started changing my vibe to a more talkative high-energy one (after a long phone call with Hector, where we decided that high energy is more natural for me, you can read more about that here https://boards.girlschase.com/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=13782 ) The problem that I'm facing now is making high energy congruent. Generally I have no problem being high energy, weird, and talkative with close friends, or when I'm very drunk (probably because I own it better).

But with people I don't know well, when I'm sober, me being super talkative feels forced, and I don't seem that engaging/I seem too eager. Also I'm still fairly awkward. I think part of this is talking too fast, and also me saying weird shit. I know I'll figure it out eventually, I really want this high energy life-of-party-but-still-sexy vibe, I was just wondering if any of you all have tips on making it more congruent and natural in the short term.

I'm also trying to convey the high energy more in my writing style, so it too may seem a little forced. Any tips on that??

Let's all become who we want to be though!
Thank you all,
Peace
Byron

 

[Smith]

Byron,

I have this problem too and I think introverts encounter this problem a lot more than extroverts. What I found is that you can naturally be high energy, but you're just getting in your own way. Keep forcing this "high energy" persona just didn't really work for me because it was just not congruent. You just need to figure out what gets you to that high energy state, aka find out how to push your own buttons. What I have found that works really well for me to get into this high energy state is to just talk to everyone or even just say "hi" and keep the social momentum up, then after about 5-10 short interactions, my energy will be in a high energy state. I'll feel pumped to talk to anyone. This applies both during the day and night. so I may start the day with low energy, but as I talk to more people throughout the day, my energy goes up.

And the mindset that helps me to actually feel excited when I'm talking is to actually enjoy what I'm saying regardless of the content of the conversation. I could be talking about ice cream but if I feel super excited in my body when I'm talking, it will be transfer onto the other person too.

 

[Drck]

Being Natural means you sort of expressing yourself the way you are, and not trying to be someone else. When you try to act one way or another it requires certain effort, you are kinda forcing yourself not to act naturally but act the way you think is right...

When you talk to unknown people you don't know well and try to act the way you think you should be acting, you are basically lying; you are putting on a mask. You are lying to the other person, and you are lying to yourself. You are saying: look, don't see me the way I am, see me differently. See me the way I want you to see me...

Your brain, your subconscious knows that you are lying, and it says: Nope, that's not me, this is not who I am. This is only pretending to be someone that I am not...

Which raises your anxiety level, it messes up with your overall vibe, you feel awkward, you simply hit the brick wall because you are standing against yourself... You can't do it... Then you get frustrated because it is not working out, the lies and pretending is not working out for you...

Sure, you may become a master after long time practicing, after all, lying is just another great skill one can acquire. After lots of effort you can fool many people with those great skills. You can even become a professional liar and join many other skillful politicians. But is that who you are?

So the answer might be in another approach, in sort of discovering who you are, in being confident with who you are... In not pretending to be someone else, in simply being who you are...

Meditation could help; Releasing all the worries about not being who you think you should be but in stead accepting who you are could help. Accepting who you are in stead of dreaming about who you are not could help. Those will give you great confidence, great relaxation, great authenticity. Your brain will also be synchronized, it will say: Look, this is who I am and I am comfortable with it, there is no need for lying and pretending, there is no need or desire to be someone else that I am not...

 

[Chase]

Byron-

Glad to hear the call went well!

A few tips, since like you and Smith I dealt with something similar. Used to be pretty reserved sober, but drunk I’d turn into a witty, gabby guy with 10x the charm. Had a more experienced wingman/mentor early on tell me (in all seriousness, and when I was sober) that drunk me was really charming and witty and ask me why I just couldn’t be like my drunk self all the time.

Anyway, what I did was to start being more conscious of what was going through my head and how I was interacting with people while drunk, and then working to consciously replicate that when not drunk. I discovered once I was focused on it, I could pay attention even when very drunk, and I’d have moments where I was barely not blacked out and I’d be going, “Huh. Look at this interesting difference between how I’m thinking now versus how I think while sober. I should attempt to replicate this when I’m not nearly as sauced.” Make a quick mental check next to it, then back to the debauchery.

At least in me, I can tell you the biggest differences I noticed were less care / concern about rejection (I was still aware of it, and simply took more of an “Oh well” approach to it) and more focus on enjoying myself and moving things toward productive outcomes. So what I did was train myself to take these foci into socializing with me consciously, and I discovered it was pretty easy to get there after warm-ups / building social momentum.

The best thing about observing mindsets you have while drunk though is that you can then remember the feeling of those mindsets once you’re sober, which allows you to slip into them more easily. No amount of study can come close to simply just meta-examining your emotions and mindsets under the influence, and then calling those up again next time you’re out meeting women sober.

With enough practice, you can get fairly close to replicating your drunken behavior. Without the vapid stares, dumb grin, and delayed reaction times, too.

I don’t drink very much these days, and rarely drink to excess. Just don’t need it anymore (and can’t tolerate the lost productive days recovering from hangovers – even when I was drinking all the time I still couldn’t avoid feeling like I’d slept on an air vent next to a bunch of hobos the next day).

Chase

 

[Hector Papi Castillo]

Byron,

Chase perfectly illuminated how to transfer the better/drunk-you to sober-you. Exactly what I told you on the call Keep watching and observing, watching and observing.

That's all learning is - doing and observing as you do. It'll click. I promise!

Hector

 

[Byron]

@Smith,
Social Momentum is great! Another thing I've found that benefits me is getting outside of my head, even if I'm by myself, by like dancing along to some music or maybe doing something silly. It all helps! Caffeine helps too, oddly enough, as well as alcohol, as Chase said.

@Drck,
I've started meditation, and yeah, it's benefits are great! I'm pretty high energy/extroverted, just have issues with social anxiety and shyness that I'm slowly but surely overcoming.

@Chase,
The reason I've taken so long to respond and thank you is twofold. One is work (which in itself is great, we had a Prince tribute concert with an open bar tonight and I was helping, the social aptitude of my co-workers is wayyy higher than I expected). The other, is the nights I haven't been working, I've been drinking, to observe the effects. I seem to be more present when I'm drunk, and have a lot easier time finding things to say. I talk about stuff more animatedly, and as you said, worry less about what people think. The main drawback seems to be not speaking clearly and not always making sense. Will continue my experiments , today at work went great and I was sober (although full of coffee).

@Anatman
Will do.

 

[Bboy100]

Something I want to add to Chase and Drck's responses which has recently helped me. Assume everything you have to contribute is positive and is of high value. The reason you're more reserved when you're sober is because you're more self-conscious of your actions. You might even believe that the things you're doing make you come off as weird or awkward.

But here's the thing...you're analyzing your actions through your own self-made lens. Not through that which is actually true. In other words, you believe your actions are or might be weird because of xyz criteria which you've made up (this may not be a conscious process. But that's not relevant). It's very likely that those criteria do not accurately represent what's true of the world and how other people perceive you. This is a known phenomenon. Most people are pretty terrible at judging what other people think of them.

This can be a good thing. Because now that you know that you're about as good at predicting the efficacy of your actions as you are at predicting the winning lottery number, you can say "fuck it, since I don't know what results the things I do will bring, I might as well just assume they will be positive".

Once you've internalized this assumption of positivity and value giving, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Because regardless of your actions, you'll have a much more likable energy about you which others will sense.

I just recently came to this realization myself. And my game has skyrocketed to a whole new level.

Edit: It also helps to assume that everyone around you is a positive and receptive person. In other words, assume that everyone around you would be happy to have a conversation with you and would enjoy your energy and your presence.

 

[Byron]

@Bboy100,
This final piece of this advice didn't really fall into place for me until yesterday, when I reread the arrogant man article by hector, and the asshole article by chase, five or six times then directly applied them when flirting with my cute co-workers. Assuming I am high value, indeed perhaps higher value than them (part of that is not that I am higher value now, but I see who I will become, and that version of me is indeed higher value) and your advice of assuming what I contribute has value, naturally falls into place.

I'm a weird guy. But something I've always known, yet am just really realizing recently, is if you own it, stare people down or bitch them out when they call you out on it, it becomes normal and perhaps attractive.

Or maybe that's my arrogance speaking, I'm no longer self-conscious enough, and have become wayyy to narcissistic and out of touch with reality. Whatever. In my version of reality, I will become a fucking beast.

Thanks again Bboy!
Byron