Socializing To be diplocmatic or honest

[Whizzy]

One of the girls I've been going on dates with recently has an interesting problem. People have stopped talking to her and it's pretty obvious to everyone except her why, she's a bit overpowering and stuck-up/cold most of the times. In terms of forwarding things around this should I be honest with her or try to placate her a little?

 

[PinotNoir]

Tell it straight up. Just be nice about it. If you don't, you'll just end up being another ex-(boy)friend, and she'll be none-the-wiser.

For some reason, guys tend to be more brutally honest with each other. Women tend not to be. How guys talk:

"You're being a whiny bitch."
"Dude, stop being a tool."
"Nut up and ask her out."
"Did you get that shirt in the women's section?"

I hear and/or say these things all the time with my guy friends. Of course, for something like the shirt comment, I just ignore it if I like the shirt.

However, guys tend to lie to women also. "No, that dress is gorgeous.", blah, blah, blah. It's no wonder that girls like gay guys so much. They're honest like men, but since they're not interested in women, they're also honest to women.

Now, having said all of this, with a woman you should be a little nicer when being honest. Tell her some good qualities about her that you really like. Then start easing into talking about your observations, about how she can be a bit cold to her friends, and how that can make them feel hurt, etc. Women also like you to relate to them, so talk about how you can also be cold sometimes or in the past and how you tried to improve it, etc. If she really wants to maintain those friendships, she'll have to compromise a little bit. But if those friendships aren't that important to her, then she'll need to find friends that can handle her feistiness. Maybe you even like her feistiness (and tell her that). Of course, you want to support her and be her rock; you don't want to be "attacking" her. If you ever told your friend how you hated someone and then heard your friend exclaim "that person is so nice!," you'll understand how it feels not to really be supported; sometimes emotions make a person just want to hear the support, even if the friend is right. Therefore, it's important to state your opinions appropriately; being honest with women and being the guy that's "attacking/not supporting" her can be a very fine line sometimes. But in the end, you have to be honest.

 

[trashKENNUT]

Hi Guys,

One of the girls I've been going on dates with recently has an interesting problem. People have stopped talking to her and it's pretty obvious to everyone except her why, she's a bit overpowering and stuck-up/cold most of the times. In terms of forwarding things around this should I be honest with her or try to placate her a little?

i am sure you all have heard all of this,

"Why Women Can't Read Maps, Men Don't Listen"
"Female Logic"
"She's a Women"
"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"

and you can add more if you will,

As much as i would love to ask you to help her, until you have slept with her, I would recommend to not fix her problems. Otherwise, if you do, relate to her and ask her why they go away instead, make a laugh about it, and relate to what she FEELS she can do with the matter. Then encourage her to do that, what she offers her own solution.

By this, you helping her.

Girls won't accept your advices, they on a different wavelength, she will start alter her attitude altogether, and often you be the first to notice, that in fact she change, was the advice she has given herself, You just add on the pepperoni cheese!

Zac

 

[PinotNoir]

As much as i would love to ask you to help her, until you have slept with her, I would recommend to not fix her problems.

That's a good point; I just assumed he was sleeping with her. That's an important bit of information.

 

[trashKENNUT]

That's a good point; I just assumed he was sleeping with her. That's an important bit of information.

I fix a lot of women problems logically (in the past) that i lose all of them. You can laugh now. XD Trust me on this. Try NOT TO!

The key word here is "LOGICALLY". A "She" has a different mental model.

Zac

 

[Whizzy]

I have been sleeping with her so I think I'm at that point

 

[Light]

No one.. and I mean NO ONE, likes to be told what to do or what flaws they have, in a direct manner.

Unless you state some benefits of a change, people won't listen.

Also, don't try to fix anything unless she specifically ask for your help or advise.

I'll give you an example:
her: "I don't know what it is, but I seem to notice that people have stopped talking to me."
Me: "Really? I'm still talking to you."
her: "haha.. no I mean other people, feels like others don't want to talk to me"
Me: "Do you have any idea why that may be?"
her: "no..."
Me: "Do you think you may come across little stuck up sometimes?"
her: "hmm...I don't think so, but maybe others might see it that way. Why do you think I'm stuck up??"
Me: "you can appear to be sometimes. But nothing wrong with that.. however..." [pause]
her: "what?"
Me: "there are times when you don't appear stuck up at all, and you're really sweet and warm.. and I REALLY like that about you. I find you more attractive." (hold eye contact + sexy smile)

Thats how I would do it. She will start thinking maybe she is a little stuck up, and that by being more sweet and warm, she is more attractive.
You've given her a cause to the problem to think about, and a reason to change indirectly.

 

[Whizzy]

Seems like you're saying to guide her to the truth without being too obvious about it?

 

[Thinkingenigma]

Seems like you're saying to guide her to the truth without being too obvious about it?

This is why we invented questions. When trying to correct someone's behavior, never address it with a statement. Rather, use a series of questions to build up to the topic in order for them to make the relevant points for you. This way, you avoid being confrontational, and you make it seem as if it was their idea, which makes them much more likely to actually change their behavior.

 

[Franco]

Whizzy,

When trying to correct someone's behavior, never address it with a statement. Rather, use a series of questions to build up to the topic in order for them to make the relevant points for you. This way, you avoid being confrontational, and you make it seem as if it was their idea, which makes them much more likely to actually change their behavior.

I have to thoroughly agree with Enigma's take here. Being confrontational with someone who already is confrontational is just going to lead to conflict. No one likes to be told who they are. Instead, you have to show them.

Simple questions such as:

"Why do you think that X is making you feel this way?"
"Have you considered trying Y? Maybe you'll feel differently if you approach it this way."

You can lead a person toward introspective thought by simply asking them questions that lead to the core of their problem. It's much less confrontational but speaks mountains when you can show someone where they might need to change.

Just a thought!

- Franco

 

[Whizzy]

Yea that seems to be the way to go, thanks for the advice guys. She's just been really secretive recently so I'm thinking it's about time to cut my losses and move on instead of worrying about it too much

 

[superflirt]

i know this is an old post just wanted to throw my two cents in. I've come to find that girls are extremely insecure a lot of the time or if they are in a stage in their life where they aren't, something can cause them to become so and a lot of the time its an insecurity that causes 'bitchiness' or for someone to act stuck up. She was (im assuming you dropped her at this point) probably just growing increasingly insecure about something, which was tipping the scale to her stuck up side more and more at teh same time.. That's how i view it and i actually love it when this is the case because, to me, it's an extremely effective form of 'deep-diving' that I use. I begin to deep dive them and figure out what their insecurity actually is (something no one else, probably, knows; so now she's super invested in me) and then i usually say, 'watch come over and i'll show you some cool books i have on just that.." OR "There's this video on youtube that's perfect for how to handle that, i'll show you it on my computer" ... escalate... then afterwards assist her with her issue