Sex Dynamics  To sex or not to sex?

johndoe

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Dec 18, 2013
Messages
61
Hey folks,

Just wanted to get your 2-cents on how to handle this situation I'm in. Been with this girl near 3 months now, and for the first 2 months or so, we've been having sex every time we met. Recently, I've been getting a look of reluctance on her face whenever I'm escalating towards sex (we'll end up having a good session anyway), and it bothered me, so I asked her about it.

She says she feels reluctant because she shouldn't be wasting her time doing this, as long-term, she sees herself in a relationship, but she feels like if she says no to me, I will be gone. I tell her that if she doesn't want to have sex, she can turn me down (at times, I make her go out of her way for us to get some alone time), and that whenever I escalate, it's because I feel the vibes.

In response to that, she asks me if we can stop having sex for 2 weeks and just hang out, which I agreed to, because her reaction makes me feel like the sex is not always consensual. It's pretty clear that she's steering us towards a relationship, which I'm not entirely opposed to, but it's in a direction that I don't want -- because sex should be the cornerstone of a relationship, and not a bonus.

When we were hanging out, there were times when we were both clearly horny, and I felt she was giving clear signs, but I didn't escalate because I wanted to stick to the 2-weeks of no sex. This was probably, partly, in reaction to her being resistant to engaging in sex talk with me when we're hanging out and bantering.

Don't think I'm gonna do any more of these sex curfews after this 2-week one. It's sexually frustrating for both parties, and results in a fair bit of lost respect on the guy.

Would you have agreed to the sex curfew in my situation? And how would you make sure that the curfew isn't going to be a thing again? I've thought of talking it out with her after the curfew, but that may not be as effective as just escalating whenever there is an appropriate situation from thereon out.
 

Will_V

Chieftan
Staff member
tribal-elder
Joined
Jan 24, 2021
Messages
1,539
My instinct is NO.

You have to ask yourself, for what am I doing this thing? You must have a goal. You know she's steering you toward a relationship, so by accepting the sex curfew you have implicitly accepted her frame.

But even if a relationship is what you wanted, you still should not have accepted, in my opinion, because how can it be possible that you are getting what you want by being sexually frustrated - is that what a relationship is all about? Bad frame.

If I were you, I would tell her before anything else "I made a mistake with this sex curfew thing, sorry but I'm just not that kind of guy. I will never be doing it again with you or anyone else, a man and a woman need to fuck and that's just the way it is." Wreck that frame entirely and accept full responsibility.

Then, if I wanted more of a relationship, I would say "I'm open to doing more stuff with you, how about we spend Sunday doing something fun and adventurous" like kayaking or whatever. Because ultimately, that's what a relationship adds to the fuckbuddy dynamic.

I have spent some time going over this myself recently, because I have set bad frames in the past that contributed to ruining of my relationships. But I have never, ever accepted the idea of not having sex, unless she's got a medical problem or something - you have to remember that a woman needs dick like your dick needs pussy, and if she's not getting it from you when she's horny, who will it be? You get no points for putting a chastity belt on yourself, and you won't excite her that way.
 

Derek da man

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jan 24, 2020
Messages
285
You have to ask yourself, for what am I doing this thing? You must have a goal. You know she's steering you toward a relationship, so by accepting the sex curfew you have implicitly accepted her frame.
Agree

But even if a relationship is what you wanted, you still should not have accepted, in my opinion, because how can it be possible that you are getting what you want by being sexually frustrated - is that what a relationship is all about? Bad frame.
Agree

Let me ask you how many relationships you see where the guy follows the girl around or gives in to her frame and you end up with sex once a week or once a month and before you know it just birthdays and Christmas? Ultimately you've lost her attraction to you because you've become a "nice guy".

If I was you I would have accepted her 2 week curfew knowing I was going to break it at the first opportunity where she gave the slightest indication she was horny and interested. Afterwards I would have blamed it on her with a cheeky smile in order she knows you are being playful but equally accepting some responsibility for what happened. This will re-enforce a bad boy image and that she can't control you, equally she has to accept that she has some responsibility too.

After this, if she still wants to have the conversation, then discuss how you can develope your relationship on equal terms.
 

Will_V

Chieftan
Staff member
tribal-elder
Joined
Jan 24, 2021
Messages
1,539
Let me ask you how many relationships you see where the guy follows the girl around or gives in to her frame and you end up with sex once a week or once a month and before you know it just birthdays and Christmas? Ultimately you've lost her attraction to you because you've become a "nice guy".
Agreed. That's like the definition of LTR or marriage failure, and it's happening before a proper relationship has even started. Bad frame and bad conditioning from the get go.
If I was you I would have accepted her 2 week curfew knowing I was going to break it at the first opportunity where she gave the slightest indication she was horny and interested. Afterwards I would have blamed it on her with a cheeky smile in order she knows you are being playful but equally accepting some responsibility for what happened. This will re-enforce a bad boy image and that she can't control you, equally she has to accept that she has some responsibility too.
I wouldn't do this. You may be seen as more of a bad boy, but you will be seen as untrustworthy and possibly lacking conviction. In LTRs, I am always careful to think ahead before I say something, say it with conviction, and reinforce it whenever possible. That means that she comes to see my word as law, and even the slightest verbal hint that I don't find something acceptable is enough to make her think hard on whether she wants to risk it.

I also don't think it would resolve the real problem, which seems to be that she isn't getting fulfilled by the relationship anymore, and wants it to advance. My estimation is that @johndoe needs to accept a relationship (on his own terms and within his own frame) or accept that it's going to be over soon.
 
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