Torn between autonomy and a controlling family.

[Mr.B]

I'll keep this simple and not too emotionally draining. I feel like this group would be able to offer some insight, and chatting with anyone else that I know would only be counter-productive.

I'm currently in a financial low and have to move out of my place on the 10th. I'm in the Northeast US - and it's about to snow. I've got no cash (for a place anyway) and have two options:

1. Move to a more robust city (I'm in the sticks right now) and tough it out.

or...

2. Move back with mom down south while I save some cash and get my reptilian needs met.

Mom wants me to go to a weekend religious retreat and to get a minimum wage job anywhere. I don't want to do any of the religious stuff and I know that my ENTIRE family will set up meets, vacations, and family therapy dinners to "guide" me to go to school, buy a car, buy a house, and quite simply: to do things I have NO interest in doing. Now, the reason I bring these up is because if I don't comply with their suggested paths, they will all start to turn on me and tell me I don't love them, or that I'm arrogant and need to listen to their advice. Lastly, they push that I need to be there for my almost 8-year-old sister because she needs her brother in her life.

All of this sounds like taming to me.

With all of this being said, what do you recommend is the better future option. (Chase, if you read this, I just read your self-esteem and labeling articles; there will be tons of conflict and disharmony for me defending my ego against labels GALORE!!! I've been there - done that.)

Now granted... I am in a tough spot and "surrendering to win" seems like a very logical decision.

A million thanks, and I apologize for the downer topic; I put a lot of trust in the people on here.

Mr.B

 

[Inbocca]

Haven't been in exactly the same situation, but similar enough. Religious parents, very family-oriented, not fond of beliefs or views that "stray" from theirs, and more than willing to let me live at home as long as I followed their rules. Not to mention their house was on the far side of town, so I had a massive transit to work and school, and I had no social life. I absolutely hated it, as most rebellious post-religious kids do. When I was 19, I found someone at my work who needed a roommate, and the next day I told my parents I was moving out by the end of the month. They were kind of surprised but said: "Oh... okay." And that was that. I moved out and realized how expensive being independent is. I had no savings, lived from paycheck to paycheck, and moved up a little bit but I'm still roughly in the same position. There are several times where I've thought I might be better off if I had lived at home a little longer, or if I could just move back in for a few months and save up to get a few more things that would make life a lot easier. But each time I come to the same conclusion: It's worth it to have my autonomy and I regret nothing.

Your situation sounds a bit tougher on both ends; you're torn between potential homelessness (in October no less) and a really controlling religious family. A friend from Iowa was homeless in wintertime up there, and she said it got so bad she had to hitchhike to Arizona or risk dying. By contrast, another friend is 24 and still lives with his controlling family; they refuse to let him move out for several more years, he has to attend church every week and "family night" once a week. Those are the conditions he accepts because he doesn't want to face the alternative of hurting their feelings and facing the world on his own. You could see them as shitty options, but in reality, this is a fork on your life path. Whichever choice you make is going to influence the bad-ass person you're going to make yourself. So looking at these two options you've got:

1) Move to a more robust city and tough it out. This is going to be the harder of the two options, but you've got the best potential for growth here, and the grit this will bring out in you is going to make you a much more resilient person. If by "tough it out", you mean live on the streets, I strongly recommend moving somewhere warmer. Hitchhike if you have to, but it's easy to get stuck being homeless in a city and the weather could get really bad really fast. If you've got any friends you could stay with for a minute, that would be ideal. I've also heard of some people getting memberships at 24-hour gyms and staying there at night while they look for jobs during the day. Priority #1 should be getting a source of income that will be sufficient to get you back under a roof. Speaking from experience, a minimum-wage job that gives you 15-20 hours a week might help a bit, but the time it's taking out of your schedule might be more valuable put to work elsewhere. To help out even more, I'd recommend getting a minimum-wage job to get your basics covered, and then using the stability from that to support you while you look for a new job immediately. Most of those jobs have a super-fast turnover rate for this reason. Also, get an EBT card if you haven't already - if you can't afford rent, you shouldn't have to pay for groceries. Cut spending anywhere you can. Go to the food bank if you have to. Donate plasma, you can get anywhere from $25-50 per donation and you can donate twice a week. Gary Vaynerchuck has some great suggestions, too. Anyone can do that stuff, they just don't because it's hella work.

2) Move back with mom down south. Based on what you described, you're right: it sounds like they're trying to reassert control over their prodigal son. If you can do this while still holding on to your sense of independence and self-image, you could really use this to get back on your feet and gtfo asap. This sounds like it's going to be the more emotionally-draining of the two choices, but if it means not being homeless in winter, it might be better for you. If you go with this, I would recommend maintaining a close connection with the things that inspire you to get away from them. If that's the GC community, read the articles and check the forum every day. If a certain musician's words really hit your core, listen to their music every day. If meditating is your thing, make time for that. Every time your family tells you that you need to be doing something, or that you're a bad person for not doing things their way, just remember that they're not you and they're just telling you what they think is best. Something I've realized after years of hating my family for doing that is that they're not being malicious or manipulative intentionally. They really believe what they're saying, and they really believe it's what's best for you. They just don't understand the subjectiveness of their perspective - and that's really common among religious types. Be a rock, stay independent and unmoved by their words and actions, do what you have to do to get on your feet, and then go wherever you want to go. Find a way to love them through their ignorance and you'll be happier in the middle of all that negativity. And if you choose this option, don't ever look at it as surrendering. If you do, you'll see yourself as a failure, it will be easier to surrender again, and you'll be able to justify giving in to their point of view because in your mind you've already done it by moving back in with them.


I can't say which you should do because I don't know your strengths and weaknesses. Personally, I love my autonomy too much to give it back, and I want to struggle against the current to make it to where I want to be. I'm also strong in my resolve and know that if I did move back in with my family, I would be able to do so free from their influence. Whichever you pick, though, you gotta set some super clear goals and stick to them. Set a destination for yourself by the end of December, figure out how much money you need to have to reach that goal, and figure out what you've got to do every single day to reach it. Without keeping your goals at the forefront of your mind, it's really easy to get stuck on either path.

Best of luck, man. I know you'll make it.

 

[Mr.B]

"And if you choose this option, don't ever look at it as surrendering. If you do, you'll see yourself as a failure, it will be easier to surrender again, and you'll be able to justify giving in to their point of view because in your mind you've already done it by moving back in with them."

What a fascinating thought. Honestly, I feel guilty that I'm moving in not because I want to be around them, but because I need a place to stay... So because of this guilt, perhaps I make up for it by allowing myself to be molded... Wild.

I've been homeless before and you're right; the amount of grit and resilience gained was immense.

On the bright side, I sent her a text saying, "I'm not going to do the retreat or anything religious. I believe in science & myself, not faith. Everything else familial is gladly welcomed." to which she replied, "Okay.... I understand." I'm gonna give it a shot with her. If it get's unbearable - that's only more motivation to get the fuck out with some decent cash saved for longevity.

Plus, the girls are cute in So Flo

Thanks for the reply - very inspiring.

B

 

[Inbocca]

I almost forgot about this.

At the end of that month I got incapacitated in an accident and had to give up that precious autonomy to move back in with my parents while I recovered. Almost a year later, I've moved back out into a nicer apartment with a super chill roommate and more freedom than ever. We really can make the best of any situation, and the worst-case scenario is hardly as bad as we fear it is.