Tough relationship situation with very jealous girlfriend

[nothing003]

Hi all. This is my first post here. The articles on this site have helped me out a lot and I'm looking for some advice on a relationship situation.

A bit of background: I've been with this girl for about 8 months. At first we were both seeing other people - more or less an open relationship type of situation. But we realized we both liked each other a lot and wanted to be together exclusively, so now we are. I read the article on "crazy" girls on this site. I mean, as much as I don't want to admit that my girlfriend is crazy, a lot of the excitement and challenge comes from her being extremely unpredictable and emotionally explosive. As much as I enjoy this intensity and truly care about this woman, we are reaching a point where I have serious fears that the same intensity is going to destroy the relationship.

Let me point out that in order to land this girl, I had to play every mind game I know how to play. So I convinced her that I have tons of girls who are dying to hop in bed with me (I was playing around a lot and did have other options then), flaked out just the right amount, etc. And the thing is, now I actually want to be there for this woman without being a weak idiot. I don't know to what extent I should be playing games and to what extent I should be totally open and honest. Let me explain in detail what's going on.

This woman is extremely insecure. Every time we are at a party that has other girls at it, she endlessly accuses me of looking at them and talking to them too much and has accused me of having sex with nearly every female friend I have (none of the accusations were true). She nearly broke up with me and made a (probably not very serious) suicide attempt because she was absolutely convinced in one of these cases that I was cheating on her. Now she realizes she was wrong and has apologized. But the paranoia continues. Given everything that has happened, I am frankly terrified of hanging out with female friends.

I think I may have caused some of the anxiety with some of the games I played in the early part of the relationship (though certainly I'm not the only cause). Maybe I should offer her more security now, but I don't know. I am still cautious not to appear needy because I feel she is constantly evaluating me. In our most recent argument over me seeing a female friend, I felt I had no choice but to cancel the meeting, and I did. I tried to walk her through logically why what she was doing made no sense at all. I did not attack her but I told her I would break up with her if she punished me over this. And in the end she got what she wanted. So I'm constantly forced into a position of weakness where I have to break off appointments with other people and no longer feel comfortable seeing my other friends. And to add even more complication to this, she has a former sex buddy who she sometimes goes out dancing with, and on one occasion she slept in his bed. I let her know in no uncertain terms that this behavior needs to stop. She resents it but has stopped. If she has any understanding of what an unfair situation she's put me in, she doesn't show it.

What can I do here, guys?

One additional piece of information. We have a two-week-long trip planned together, and it's coming up in two weeks, after which neither one of us will come back to the same city. We're planning on moving together. My point is that there is not a high cost to me to just not seeing any of my friends for two more weeks to smooth things over - except for a possible loss of respect for me on her part. All I have to do is make it through another two weeks without a freakout, and I feel we'll be home free. Yet "home free" may mean a future of not being able to have any other friends if this situation doesn't change. And another piece of information would be that I know this girl likes me a hell of a lot. I mean, I've met her dad. So I feel the idea of this being *only* game-playing and messing with my head is basically out of the question.

As you can see, I'm kid of in a tough situation. Thanks for any help.

 

[Fuck This]

You have rewarded her bad behavior and she will continue to exploit that. High quality women do not lose their cool.

You can not be responsible for her mental health. Her being jealous is a lack of trust in you. Do you deserve that?

I think it is ultimatum time before you do this trip. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of fits, and tantrums.

Go see a couples counselor if you need help.

 

[nothing003]

Thanks. You're right about rewarding her bad behavior. I'm going to have to try to stop that. And also about me not being responsible for her mental health. I think it does take threats to resolve situations like this. I just gave her one, and it became clear that she really wants this relationship to work, but doesn't know how to do it, and she is deep down very scared of being abandoned and that is the reason for this behavior. All the same, it's not fair to me and I'm going to continue to deal with it firmly when it comes up. If anyone has any other suggestions then please let me know.

 

[Smith]

Let me point out that in order to land this girl, I had to play every mind game I know how to play. So I convinced her that I have tons of girls who are dying to hop in bed with me (I was playing around a lot and did have other options then), flaked out just the right amount, etc. And the thing is, now I actually want to be there for this woman without being a weak idiot. I don't know to what extent I should be playing games and to what extent I should be totally open and honest. Let me explain in detail what's going on.

A relationship should be a personal sanctuary where you can relax and just be yourself without worrying about playing games. if you need to do this kind of mind game and put on a front to get a girl, then she's not the right girl for you. You'll get exhausted in the long run because you have to constantly hanging onto this front you put on, i.e. you don't want to appear needy. you're a player...etc. Put yourself out there. Share 100% what you're feeling. What's real has value. Be totally open and honest. This requires fking balls. It will help with the connection you build together. You'll both feel a lot better and you no longer have to be paranoid with each other.

 

[nothing003]

I think that behavior was absolutely necessary in the beginning. But if this relationship lasts, it's probably going to be a long and painful process of taking off masks.

 

[Smith]

Why not just take off the masks right form the beginning =) There are girls who you don't have to play mind games to make them like you.

 

[nothing003]

Hey Smith. Well, I want to agree with you, but with this particular girl I doubt it would have worked. Neither one of us really trusted anybody when this started. If I'd let down my guard, she would have eaten me alive. Then we would not have gotten the chance to know each other and have the wonderful, but difficult, relationship we are now having. What I'm saying isn't idealistic at all. I've been through that with relationships and I can't go back. I mean, I once thought all you have to do is be honest and open up, but that strategy can nosedive, and that is why people end up using others for companionship and manipulating them however they can. We're going a little outside my original question, but I have to say that is how I feel. For someone to get the confidence to let down their guard with you, you may have to put up a front for a while. I'm just sayin', based on my own experience.

 

[Smith]

Hey man, I know what you mean. we're all a little scare to put ourselves out there in the early stages of a relationship, but think of it as screening for girls who will make your life easier and stress free. I'm not saying you have to "pour your heart out" right after you slept with a girl. It's a balance, but always be honest and don't resort to manipulation. You attract what you are. I remember when I first got into my first ever relationship, I was literally walking on eggshells and constantly monitoring myself. It was stressful as fk. I was thinking of ways to keep her attracted and constantly wondering if she will cheat on me. It was hell...and I'm glad we broke up and I was able to move on. My relationships now are much healthier. Sometimes I'll joke around with the girl that "oh you're just my side chick" or let's have threesome, but the thing is she knows I'm joking and sometimes she'll play along because it's just fun. They get that that's my kind of humour. It's kind of like push-pull, but my intention is never "let's see how I can manipulate her into staying with me forever" or whatever. I guess you also have to screen for girls who are secure in themselves. Relationships with these girls are amazing. You can be as weird as you want to be, i.e.put yourself completely out there, and they'll love you for it. Another reason you want to "take off the masks" right from the beginning is because there's no way you can keep up a front forever. Deep down, you'll always know she only likes you because of the front you put on, rather than who you really are. And you'll always have that fear she won't like you for who you really are.

And to add even more complication to this, she has a former sex buddy who she sometimes goes out dancing with, and on one occasion she slept in his bed. I let her know in no uncertain terms that this behavior needs to stop. She resents it but has stopped. If she has any understanding of what an unfair situation she's put me in, she doesn't show it.

What can I do here, guys?

I think she's trying to make you jealous just like how you were playing games with her early on in the relationships. The games you play just keep getting bigger and bigger until it explodes in your face. Remind yourself that you are on the same team as her, and start "let your guards" down. If she doesn't like it, she can go. No big deal. There will be amazing girls who will love you for you. All the best man!

 

[nothing003]

Thanks. Yeah, I get what you mean. We are at a point where the games are getting smaller instead of bigger, thankfully. It's not easy for either of us but it looks like this is really going to last. Nonetheless, maybe that'll change tomorrow. You never know. Part of the stress and the fun of relationships.

 

[ray_zorse]

This girl is crazy. My advice is run a mile. I think you are in the early stage of being domesticated and controlled. I would not be surprised if this girl has an APD -- antisocial personality disorder. For such a person it is all about winning, manipulating, using and controlling, usually with a very sweet mask in place, she's always anxious about your welfare while subtly undermining you. Read Dr. Tara Palmatier's site. Even if I'm extrapolating too much from your reports, common sense says that you're in a bad situation, you guys had a good r/ship once and she's beautiful and sexy and you don't want to lose her. As a high value man you need to turn that on its head -- your cock is incredibly rare and valuable and she should not want to lose it. Is she trying hard enough? Methinks she isn't.
Ray