Hi everyone,
I'm starting this journal to process my journey of self-development. If it helps others, that's definitely a plus.
Recently I started taking life coaching. This began with identifying what I thought my problems were. And visualizing what my ideal future "me" would be like. Future "me" was charismatic, social, friendly but with a backbone. The life of the party. Not burdened by chronic anxiety.
After my first session, my homework was to define my core values.
In order, they were
I talked this through with my life coach in my second session. He worked with me to analyze these further. We also discussed my anxiety overall. I came to him at first about approach anxiety. But through our discussion, I learned this was just a symptom. I feel anxiety with nearly everyone, all the time.
I spoke about how I took a bootcamp and felt like a champ after. I felt a real natural high that I hadn't felt before in my life. But I couldn't replicate the results. He reasoned that it's because I am not in line with my core values. To tackle my overall anxiety, my homework was to sign up for salsa classes. And to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A Glover.
I signed up for the salsa classes; the class is next week. And I started reading the book. Essentially, the "nice" guy is someone who uses kindness and people-pleasing to garner approval from others. Stemming from fear of rejection, a need to be validated. It didn't hit me that this was me until I saw a list of "nice" guy traits. I had 10 out of the 15 "nice" guy traits.
The book held a mirror to me and said, "Look, that's you." I always felt like I had two personalities. The really meek, fidgety, smiley guy who's inoffensive to a fault. "Oh, e-excuse me. Sorry. Uhuh uhuh. Thank you. Thanks." When I'm with people close to me, that's when the real me comes out. Dark sense of humor. I don't hold back. I don't nod my head like a dolphin to make sure people know I listen to them.
I realized I was holding myself back. So I started to go against the grain. Whenever I had a "nice" guy instinct pop up at work that week, I would do the opposite. Like George Costanza in "Seinfeld." It was intoxicating. Liberating. I still have work to do. But it felt great to not be shackled to what people may think of me. I was stepping into my true self. The person I want to be.
In my third session, I discussed my findings. My life coach asked me deep, stimulating questions to get me to further analyze myself. I realized in our discussion that approach anxiety was a symptom. I could approach all I want, but the problem is I am not in alignment with myself. He confirmed this. It's not about approaching women. It's about embodying the essence of my ideal self. Embodying the guy that approaches women. Who is he? What is he like? What does he do? How would he react to a given situation?
As my life coach made me realize, I need to "fake it until I make it." Act like that future "ideal" me. In that same session, I did a 10-min meditation visualization of that future "ideal" me. How would he react at work? At the street when he sees a cute girl? At a party?
That guy to me is mischievous, funny. Able to see the humor in everything. He's kind when he chooses to be; not to please people. He has a backbone. He's not afraid to crack a joke or tease/challenge a girl. Not afraid to approach a girl. When it's time to party, he tears up the floor. He does what he wants; he doesn't hold back because of what people think. He acts in spite of fear. He doesn't let fear drive his actions. He knows that in a century, what people think will not have mattered anyway.
In that same session, we probed my issues with women. He asked me questions that forced me to explore the "why" behind my issues. To go beyond a prescription to just approach. I learned that I want to be good with women because I don't want to miss out. I also learned that I want to feel validated with women. To know that I am attractive to women. And I learned that I carried this neediness since high school. Puberty wasn't nice to me, and I was a loner, so I didn't really interact much with people. I had an obsession about whether I was good-looking or not. I carried over this neediness up until now. Now I know it's not all about looks. And my coach confirmed this. This was my experience too. After enough people said I was handsome, I just take it as the truth. Even if I don't see it all the time. I think my fear about being attractive to women will be processed the same. Enough actions to the contrary will settle that fear/insecurity.
The session was really helpful in that someone with a lot of world experience knows the right questions to get me thinking. To make me realize myself the "why" behind myself. He didn't mindlessly prescribe approaching or to just man-up. He made me realize my motivations, issues. Which I think is really helpful. It sounds obvious but I can't fix the problem until I know it's there.
I kinda knew the problem, but I hadn't really digested it fully. I was on auto-pilot. The session helped me realize that my approach anxiety is not the problem. It is my misalignment with my values. I finally realized I was just treating the symptom and not the cause.
My homework after this session was to read some more books about the ego and working 5 non-nice actions the following week. And to practice visualizing that future "me".
Currently, I feel really good with my progress and where I'm at. Stepping into that non-nice, future "me" feels great. Like loosening your pants after binge eating at a buffet. I feel invigorated thinking about moving away from my fractured, misaligned self and into that future "me". I see the path forward clearly. What would future "me" do? Or ask myself what would "nice" guy me do and do the opposite.
I realize now that the high from my bootcamp came not from conquering my approach anxiety. But by treating the core issue partly. By approaching then, I was being true to myself and not holding back. I wanted to approach girls so I did. The results faded because I didn't know the problem at the time, so I was stuck in "approach mode". When my view should have been more holistic/big-picture. The work with the life coach has done wonders for making me realize this.
Next entry will be more succinct. This is about three sessions worth of entries. Future ones will revolve around a week of work / 1 session.
Thanks for reading!
I'm starting this journal to process my journey of self-development. If it helps others, that's definitely a plus.
Recently I started taking life coaching. This began with identifying what I thought my problems were. And visualizing what my ideal future "me" would be like. Future "me" was charismatic, social, friendly but with a backbone. The life of the party. Not burdened by chronic anxiety.
After my first session, my homework was to define my core values.
In order, they were
- Loyalty
- Kindness
- Critical Thinking
- Learning
- Sense of Humor
- Charisma
- Good with women (not really one as I later found out)
- Strength
- Ambition
- Cleanliness
I talked this through with my life coach in my second session. He worked with me to analyze these further. We also discussed my anxiety overall. I came to him at first about approach anxiety. But through our discussion, I learned this was just a symptom. I feel anxiety with nearly everyone, all the time.
I spoke about how I took a bootcamp and felt like a champ after. I felt a real natural high that I hadn't felt before in my life. But I couldn't replicate the results. He reasoned that it's because I am not in line with my core values. To tackle my overall anxiety, my homework was to sign up for salsa classes. And to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A Glover.
I signed up for the salsa classes; the class is next week. And I started reading the book. Essentially, the "nice" guy is someone who uses kindness and people-pleasing to garner approval from others. Stemming from fear of rejection, a need to be validated. It didn't hit me that this was me until I saw a list of "nice" guy traits. I had 10 out of the 15 "nice" guy traits.
The book held a mirror to me and said, "Look, that's you." I always felt like I had two personalities. The really meek, fidgety, smiley guy who's inoffensive to a fault. "Oh, e-excuse me. Sorry. Uhuh uhuh. Thank you. Thanks." When I'm with people close to me, that's when the real me comes out. Dark sense of humor. I don't hold back. I don't nod my head like a dolphin to make sure people know I listen to them.
I realized I was holding myself back. So I started to go against the grain. Whenever I had a "nice" guy instinct pop up at work that week, I would do the opposite. Like George Costanza in "Seinfeld." It was intoxicating. Liberating. I still have work to do. But it felt great to not be shackled to what people may think of me. I was stepping into my true self. The person I want to be.
In my third session, I discussed my findings. My life coach asked me deep, stimulating questions to get me to further analyze myself. I realized in our discussion that approach anxiety was a symptom. I could approach all I want, but the problem is I am not in alignment with myself. He confirmed this. It's not about approaching women. It's about embodying the essence of my ideal self. Embodying the guy that approaches women. Who is he? What is he like? What does he do? How would he react to a given situation?
As my life coach made me realize, I need to "fake it until I make it." Act like that future "ideal" me. In that same session, I did a 10-min meditation visualization of that future "ideal" me. How would he react at work? At the street when he sees a cute girl? At a party?
That guy to me is mischievous, funny. Able to see the humor in everything. He's kind when he chooses to be; not to please people. He has a backbone. He's not afraid to crack a joke or tease/challenge a girl. Not afraid to approach a girl. When it's time to party, he tears up the floor. He does what he wants; he doesn't hold back because of what people think. He acts in spite of fear. He doesn't let fear drive his actions. He knows that in a century, what people think will not have mattered anyway.
In that same session, we probed my issues with women. He asked me questions that forced me to explore the "why" behind my issues. To go beyond a prescription to just approach. I learned that I want to be good with women because I don't want to miss out. I also learned that I want to feel validated with women. To know that I am attractive to women. And I learned that I carried this neediness since high school. Puberty wasn't nice to me, and I was a loner, so I didn't really interact much with people. I had an obsession about whether I was good-looking or not. I carried over this neediness up until now. Now I know it's not all about looks. And my coach confirmed this. This was my experience too. After enough people said I was handsome, I just take it as the truth. Even if I don't see it all the time. I think my fear about being attractive to women will be processed the same. Enough actions to the contrary will settle that fear/insecurity.
The session was really helpful in that someone with a lot of world experience knows the right questions to get me thinking. To make me realize myself the "why" behind myself. He didn't mindlessly prescribe approaching or to just man-up. He made me realize my motivations, issues. Which I think is really helpful. It sounds obvious but I can't fix the problem until I know it's there.
I kinda knew the problem, but I hadn't really digested it fully. I was on auto-pilot. The session helped me realize that my approach anxiety is not the problem. It is my misalignment with my values. I finally realized I was just treating the symptom and not the cause.
My homework after this session was to read some more books about the ego and working 5 non-nice actions the following week. And to practice visualizing that future "me".
Currently, I feel really good with my progress and where I'm at. Stepping into that non-nice, future "me" feels great. Like loosening your pants after binge eating at a buffet. I feel invigorated thinking about moving away from my fractured, misaligned self and into that future "me". I see the path forward clearly. What would future "me" do? Or ask myself what would "nice" guy me do and do the opposite.
I realize now that the high from my bootcamp came not from conquering my approach anxiety. But by treating the core issue partly. By approaching then, I was being true to myself and not holding back. I wanted to approach girls so I did. The results faded because I didn't know the problem at the time, so I was stuck in "approach mode". When my view should have been more holistic/big-picture. The work with the life coach has done wonders for making me realize this.
Next entry will be more succinct. This is about three sessions worth of entries. Future ones will revolve around a week of work / 1 session.
Thanks for reading!
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. I have a guitar, so I'll use that as an excuse to get her in if she agrees to meet. Honestly terrified at the thought of inviting a girl back. But I'll cross that bridge later, IF I get an opportunity.