Trouble getting over a girl, but also feeling guilty. Worth clearing the air?

[Jaxx]

This entire post is pretty embarrassing, but I don't trust my judgement at this particular moment; I'm hoping a neutral third party can offer me some advice.

I'm going to spare the dull details of something that everyone else surely learned in their early teens, so here's the short version; strange circumstances meant I lost contact with a girl I'd been discretely 'sort-of seeing' over the past few months. She started avoiding me, all attempts at meeting were suddenly rebuffed, and while we never 'officially' said anything to each other, I took the hint (and can guess what's happened); contact has been largely cut, and I don't consider her an existing relationship. Here's where the issue starts.

1. So... I've never had a girlfriend or lover before, and obviously, have never 'broken up'. And holy shit, as a virginal, utterly inexperienced AFC, can I just say that lingering emotions suck big, sweaty donkey-balls? All the 'get over your ex' articles make a lot more sense all of the sudden.

2. Nonetheless, I feel a little bad about the way things ended; things happened very quickly and suddenly, and she's a sweet girl. I feel like I owe her an explanation, just out of common decency. Plus, we have an overlapping social circle (especially one particular guy... who's starting to prove to be an emotional trigger) and I'll end up seeing her occasionally (I did a few days ago; it was pretty awkward). So if I don't clear the air, I feel like its going to suck a lot more than it could (I do unhappily realize its going to suck anyway, and I now understand why people don't usually game within or near their social circles).

I'd appreciate opinions from anyone with more experience than I; am I obsessing over her by wanting to see her again to talk about the way things ended? Or would it actually be the decent thing to do, to push through the inevitable bad emotions, and go at least end it a little more officially?

(also; I now have a very pertinent reason to start the Newbie assignment and meet some new girls ASAP)

 

[Fan7as7icMrFox]

Re: Trouble getting over a girl, but also feeling guilty. Worth clearing the air

Now I may be wrong and I'm sure one of the more experienced members of this forum will put me in my place if I am, but here's how I see it..

Last night I was at a bar in the town I recently moved from, My ex fiancée works in this bar, when things ended, they ended really badly, I'm talking me loosing my house, my job and entering a deep depression..

We spoke last night, which was good, the reason we could both talk so freely, with no awkwardness or bitterness, is because of the time duration since it happened.
We've both moved on, are happy in our own lives and any negative thoughts or feelings have dispersed.

Clearing the air isn't a bad idea, doing so while you're still hurting over her is, give it time, meet new girls, enjoy your life and quell any negative thoughts towards her, only then when you see her and think "I wonder how she's doing, I'm going to find out" rather than "There she is, bitch, she broke my heart!" can you realistically achieve anything positive from talking with her.

Move on man, allow any time to disperse any negativity, the interaction and your life will go a whole lot better that way.

as for the social aspect of it, do what you can to minimise the chance of you and her having to interact, for now...

 

[Eternity]

Re: Trouble getting over a girl, but also feeling guilty. Worth clearing the air

If you "broke" things up recentlly it is very normal to obsess over what happened. I was is in almost the exact same boat as you in the past with a one itis who rejected me and i took pretty badly as i was not used to rejection much. I had to see her in school and relive my embaressment daily. I avoided her but probably was obvious to her that i was, regardless it was necessary to be able to focus on other things so i could get her out of mind. So avoid her if u can, game other girls but ill tell u from first hand exp. that it wont kill the pain much until its been done a while. The only upside is any other rejection you get will be indifferent to u since u handled worse.

Talk is for later. Hopefully after countless lays on ur part and with hotter girls. I remember mine and i was still nervous in her presence. Truthfully, she still pops in my mind frequently but i know i can get other girls to forget and live on but i understand there are some whose memories die hard. Lastly, if u see her soon or later in life, ask yourself "How many cocks has she put in her mouth before"? I guarantee you will see her in another light and will willfully avoid and want other "good" girls instead

 

[Mr. oblivious]

Re: Trouble getting over a girl, but also feeling guilty. Worth clearing the air

Clearing the air isn't a bad idea, doing so while you're still hurting over her is, give it time, meet new girls, enjoy your life and quell any negative thoughts towards her, only then when you see her and think "I wonder how she's doing, I'm going to find out" rather than "There she is, bitch, she broke my heart!" can you realistically achieve anything positive from talking with her.

Move on man, allow any time to disperse any negativity, the interaction and your life will go a whole lot better that way.

What Mr Fox is a good idea just go out meet new people don't think about it
and when you do meet her you should have a warm bubbly nature and try act like you would if you were talking to a random hot stranger. (because having the awkwardness in the social circle will probably just ruin everyone else atmosphere)

i am not sure that you should avoid her i would just go out like you normally would and try give her a warm response and if she doesn't decides to act cold just move on and continue interacting with the rest of your social circle

people who are more experience feel free to comment on what i have said (im still learning)

 

[Eternity]

Re: Trouble getting over a girl, but also feeling guilty. Worth clearing the air

What Mr Fox is a good idea just go out meet new people don't think about it
and when you do meet her you should have a warm bubbly nature and try act like you would if you were talking to a random hot stranger. (because having the awkwardness in the social circle will probably just ruin everyone else atmosphere)

i am not sure that you should avoid her i would just go out like you normally would and try give her a warm response and if she doesn't decides to act cold just move on and continue interacting with the rest of your social circle

people who are more experience feel free to comment on what i have said (im still learning)

If u can, avoid any contact at all because if u see her being "friendly" with another guy it will hurt man. You will want to yell, scream, and hit something, even if u have it under control, your face will betray your rage and she will pick up on it as will others. If she's nice she'll tone it down but will dampen the mood, if she's not she will keep it doing it for the validation of being wanted by u and others in the group. It is nearly impossible pretending this did not happen because your feelings are raw and hurt, thus keeping it warm and soft with her will just blow up in ur face. It's easy to say be cool, its a whole different ballpark actually keeping cool in these cases.
Been there, Done that bro.

 

[Mr. oblivious]

Re: Trouble getting over a girl, but also feeling guilty. Worth clearing the air

What Mr Fox is a good idea just go out meet new people don't think about it
and when you do meet her you should have a warm bubbly nature and try act like you would if you were talking to a random hot stranger. (because having the awkwardness in the social circle will probably just ruin everyone else atmosphere)

i am not sure that you should avoid her i would just go out like you normally would and try give her a warm response and if she doesn't decides to act cold just move on and continue interacting with the rest of your social circle

people who are more experience feel free to comment on what i have said (im still learning)

If u can, avoid any contact at all because if u see her being "friendly" with another guy it will hurt man. You will want to yell, scream, and hit something, even if u have it under control, your face will betray your rage and she will pick up on it as will others. If she's nice she'll tone it down but will dampen the mood, if she's not she will keep it doing it for the validation of being wanted by u and others in the group. It is nearly impossible pretending this did not happen because your feelings are raw and hurt, thus keeping it warm and soft with her will just blow up in ur face. It's easy to say be cool, its a whole different ballpark actually keeping cool in these cases.
Been there, Done that bro.

i can understand where your coming from. For me personally bounce back quick and become more proactive ( opening women etc.) for a period of time, but i might be a little in sensitive considering iv avoided getting into deep relationships considering i just finished high school and have just started university.

even though i haven't been in much deep relationship i can understand the raw feeling and i know sometimes you may act a little irrationally

@jaxx so i think that if you had deep connections which her which is sounds like you do it would be best sticking to eternity advice

(i had a much longer response which had more behind my thinking etc but my browser screwed up and i have an assignment to get done so this will have to do)

@eternity thanks for experience opinion

 

[Odysseus]

Re: Trouble getting over a girl, but also feeling guilty. Worth clearing the air

Hey Jaxx,

Sorry to hear you're having a bit of a shitty time at the moment... I went through a similar thing with my first GF a few years back now and to be honest, big sweaty donkey-balls doesn't even come near...

Here's where I think my experiences overlaps with yours though: this was a girl I fell for so hard - she actually broke up with me 3 or 4 times and I was acting so irrationally that no matter how much hurt this caused me, I would insist on meeting up with her, supplicating to her and eventually convinced her to get back together with me. Several times! So first of all it's good to see you've enough sense to recognise when things come to an end...! The difficulty, then, is sticking to it.

No doubt you're feeling a whole load of emotions at the moment; there's a whole load of psychological research into this idea, but basically you'll often find yourself making decisions motivated by emotion (in this case a desire to be back spending time with the girl) which you then rationalise post-hoc (i.e. I only want to clear the air/find some closure etc.) You therefore HAVE to try very hard to look at the whole issue rationally, and be aware of when your emotions are dictating your behaviour.

In reality, she started avoiding you, she ended it. You owe her nothing on that front. If you realise that, then it follows that your only concern should be what is best for you; and at least from my experience, this means avoiding situations that are likely to reignite your emotions for her (chief amongst which would be meeting up with her 1-to-1)... Seek out other interactions, do something different, start the newbie mission, just don't dwell on her... And when you hit a situation where all your previous emotions start to come back to you, just ride out the wave. No matter how you 'feel', recognise those emotions as being unhelpful for you at that time - that doesn't mean shut yourself down to them, but you can just let them pass by without engaging with them.

All the best, and hope to read lots of FRs/LRs from you in the future!

*And one last idea I've had - set an arbitrary date around 6 months in the future when you will allow yourself to text her to grab coffee and catch up; chances are by that time you'll feel no need to get in touch; on the other hand, if you're still curious about her, you pretty much get to start afresh and reboot attraction. Until then, no contact, and if you bump into her, allow yourself polite small-talk only!

 

[Jaxx]

Re: Trouble getting over a girl, but also feeling guilty. Worth clearing the air

Well, I'm feeling slightly more stable (and slightly embarrassed that I have to write that). Everyone, cheers for your replies. I read every one, and each of your perspectives gave me something useful.

Odysseus in particular though; thank you. This very clearly put my general situation into clear perspective, and I'm slightly relieved that it confirms what I suspected; that I'm just going through the normal feelings associated with a first-timer's break-up.

With that said, I have a a short update; against all rational advice, I ended up seeing her very briefly in public today. But when she very skilfully diverted all attempts at conversation and started drawing other people in, I quickly excused myself (partially because it was annoying, but more because I realized I was making a fool of myself). You're absolutely on the money Odysseus; I already knew this was over, and my desire for 'closure' was a (poorly) veiled emotional reaction. Embarrassing that I gave into that.. I'll know what's up next time.

Thank you for the kind encouragement. I'm taking that to heart, and intend to have my Newbie assignment up and running in the next day or so. I'm using my calmer mindset to start researching places for the Day 1 assignment.

So... here's to a new day, I guess.