Trusting a girl in a relationship

[Smith]

Hey guys,

I've recently decided to be in a committed relationship. But for the past month since we've started dating, sometimes I'll ask her about guys who are interested in her and she would send me a screenshot of their message. The guy would try to flirt with her, and she just seemed to laugh it off. If I was the guy, I would interpret that as "hard to get" even though I know she's not interested in them. I told her she needs to be upfront about rejecting guys and not string them along, and she agrees. However, I think she's still way too nice about it lol. But I gave up trying to control how she message them now, she can does whatever she wants, it's not healthy for me to constantly worry about it.

A little part of me feels insecure because just before we started officially dating, I met this girl and went on a date where we made out and hold hands and later on she told me she has a bf. I have so many other experiences like this where a girl seems to be "cheating" on her bf, and it makes me hard to trust my girl. Knowing negative thinking is going to lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy, I've decided to think positively and fully trust her and everything seems to be going very good right now...and even if she does cheat one day, I guess I'll just go back pimping

So my question is....does any of you guys who were a player before but is now in a committed relationship experience this? Did you have any trust issue with the girl? so far I've been very open with my girl and told her what I've seen back in my "player days", and she understands where I'm coming from when I get paranoid lol.

p.s. I highly recommend the book "crucial conversation". It has saved a lot of potential drama in my relationship so far lol.

 

[Franco]

Smith,

First of all, congratulations on the relationship! =)

Secondly, I've had the most success not worrying about paranoia in my relationship. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't even bring up "issues" or "problematic" things you see with other people's relationships; the more you point out to her, the more she feels like maybe you've been stunted by paranoia in the past, which is a relatively unattractive quality for a girl -- she wants a guy who is so in control that he doesn't worry about things that he sees as trivial. This isn't to say that you can't give her your opinion about something if she asks about it, but if you bring it up first, it's going to sound more like you're giving her a "warning" about things that have bothered you in the past (and obviously continue to bother you because you're bringing it up).

You've probably figured this out yourself, though. By not worrying about it, you've noticed a positive trend in the quality of your relationship, correct? =)

So my question is....does any of you guys who were a player before but is now in a committed relationship experience this? Did you have any trust issue with the girl? so far I've been very open with my girl and told her what I've seen back in my "player days", and she understands where I'm coming from when I get paranoid lol.

I made a very smart, conscious decision before becoming exclusive with my girlfriend that I would not be paranoid about a damn thing. I deal with problems as they come up, but if there's no (clear) evidence that anything is wrong, then I assume nothing is wrong and that she's madly in love with me. So far, nothing has been wrong and she has been madly in love with me!

Keep in mind that if something does go wrong, it's likely you and not the girl. I always make sure to take the blame here -- it helps me not feel paranoia toward the girl I've chosen to date and allows me to feel like I can analyze where things went wrong and where I need to improve. As long as you're always taking the blame for any failures that happen during a relationship (even if the failure is that you've chosen the wrong girl and need to choose better next time), then it actually makes it much easier to have a loving relationship with a girl.

- Franco

 

[Smith]

Thanks for the advice Franco =)

You've probably figured this out yourself, though. By not worrying about it, you've noticed a positive trend in the quality of your relationship, correct? =)

You nailed it lol when I commented on me seeing other girls cheating on their bf a couple of weeks ago, it didn't make her feel good and she seemed a bit less invested than before probably because I seemed a bit paranoid about it. Then I decided to stop giving a fuck and don't talk about it now, and things have been going up and up. I've been making a conscious decision to trust her and not let negative thoughts get to me. Now I don't even know what the hell I was worrying about haha. And just a few days ago, she went out drinking with her friend and she told me she might be going clubbing, I just chilled and hanged out with my friends, and the next day she just seemed a lot more into me. Then there's another incidence where I saw a red bruise on her boob quite close to her nipple. My first instinct was to get paranoid and mad, but because we were about to have skype sex (I've been out of town for the past few weeks), I just simply pointed out the fact that there's a bruise on her boob and calmly asked her what's that about because it looked like a hicky. She told me she just gets bruised easily. Then I simply told her that "Ok I trust you. If you say it's a bruise, then it's a bruise. It's not a big deal. But you can see why I asked that right haha you have a bruise that looks like a hicky on your boob". She agreed but didn't get upset or anything, and told me she always gets bruised after we had sex and I can go give her some real hicky when I get back lol. Then I just moved on and we continued to have skype sex. But yea...positive assumption and learning how to handle "crucial conversation" has helped me a lot from self-sabotaging lol.

Keep in mind that if something does go wrong, it's likely you and not the girl. I always make sure to take the blame here -- it helps me not feel paranoia toward the girl I've chosen to date and allows me to feel like I can analyze where things went wrong and where I need to improve. As long as you're always taking the blame for any failures that happen during a relationship (even if the failure is that you've chosen the wrong girl and need to choose better next time), then it actually makes it much easier to have a loving relationship with a girl

Yea I've realized sometimes I get into victim mentality and blame her for not making the relationship work lol. But I've learned to examine the facts and separate them from my own made up stories. And what you've said is huge to me, it's only when we stop taking responsibilities then we start to feel helpless and take it out on the girl.

Cheers!