FR Trying to sleep with the birthday girl

[Winston]

I had been invited to a birthday party of a girl where I knew nobody besides my 3 friends (there were around 20 people).

The girl who was celebrating her birthday was very attractive (with an evening dress that made her very hot), and has a really nice apartment. I almost didn't talk to her. At some point I hear my friend telling her something rather DHV about me and my project, I just made some gesture from afar towards them, acknowledging the fact that I knew they were talking about me.

I don't know exactly why but I feel it was possible that she likes me after that. I could feel some quick glances, but I wasn't sure.

Around 1am some people start to leave, meanwhile the music was on and people start to dance in the living room. I start to dance with them.
At some point she was dancing rather close to me (but not so close that anyone could notice it, she was at a distance where only me could notice something). I felt like this wasn't a coincidence.

At around 3am, we were only 7 people, and she prepared shots (heavily loaded) for the people staying.

At around 4am she went to change herself and replace her evening dress by a tank top that showed off her very sexy breasts. At this point we were only 6 left. All my friends had left. Luckily enough, I had socialize beforehand with everyone who was still there (except her LOL).

All the 6 people were dancing, and several times, I was under the impression that she was checking that I look at her before dancing rather lasciviously. And my god, she was really, really sexy when she danced. I think I almost fell in love.

At 5:30am we were only 5 (her, 1 other girl, 2 other guys and me). The 2 guys started to talk about leaving and she starts to talk about ordering some food and look into her phone to order something. She doesn't look like she wanted to end the party. But it seems complicated to order food at this time of the night so she gave up, and the 4 people that were still there left at the same time (me included).

When I told her goodbye, saying that I was happy to have meet her, she told me "you can come back whenerever you want". So I took her insta and she added me 1 hour later (I am assuming before she went to bed).
I had done a story during the party, and early in the afternoon, the day after, she answered under my story asking me to send her all the pictures and videos of the party.
So I took this opportunity to ask her for a drink the following week to get to know each other better because we hadn't talk much and it was a shame. She answered me with a detailed planning of her week to justify why she is not available this week.

The same day after, she sent to my friend that knew her initially (and that had invited me): "Your friends were really cool. Winston even stayed until 5:30am haha". I know that because my friend show me her message to tease me about it.

What could I have done differently? Did I kill all my chances with her by not talking the risk of staying with her?
At some point during the night I was really motivated to try something because I was so attracted to her, but at the end I pussy out because of the fatigue (several hours of dancing + alcohol) + it would have been a big social risk if I misinterpreted something and tried to stay with her while she wasn't interested.

Thinking about it now, I think I should have striked a conversation with her so that it would feel more natural to stay with her while the others were leaving. But the problem was that with the glances exchanged while dancing the vibe was rather sexual and mysterious, and I think I was afraid that talking would have killed that vibe.

Any feedback is appreciated.

 

[Derek da man]

Firstly, don't write her off, even now it sounds like she is open to seeing you as she wanted/needed you to believe that her not being able to meet was genuine. I would throw the ball in her court by asking when she's available, if she gives a positive time and date then go with it or make a counter offer if you can't. By making her set the time/date you're asking for her investment/commitment and if it's not forthcoming then you know where you were.

Personally I can't keep going until 5am but well done you.

"you can come back whenerever you want"

This was an invitation to stay in my view. You may did need to manage how the other people there it though. Just after she said it I would have put my hand in my pocket looking for my keys/phone/whatever, then tried my other pockets and said "I think I've dropped/left my keys/phone/whatever in your kitchen/lounge/etc. " then get her to let you back to check, tell the others that are leaving with you to go on and you'll catch up/see them again/whatever. Basically create an opportunity to be with her 1 to 1 with them gone. Once they are gone and her friend/flat mate isn't around you go to leave and kiss her goodnight, escalate and see where it leads.

the glances exchanged while dancing the vibe was rather sexual and mysterious

If you had escalated at this point you may have been successful depending on how she felt about the others seeing what was going on, it could also have failed and back fired. I think being mysterious can, sometimes, generate a lot more interest and attraction that escalating too soon, although I do agree that escalation is usually the best course but always have regard for her reputation around friends.

 

[Winston]

Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it.

This was an invitation to stay in my view. You may did need to manage how the other people there it though. Just after she said it I would have put my hand in my pocket looking for my keys/phone/whatever, then tried my other pockets and said "I think I've dropped/left my keys/phone/whatever in your kitchen/lounge/etc. " then get her to let you back to check, tell the others that are leaving with you to go on and you'll catch up/see them again/whatever. Basically create an opportunity to be with her 1 to 1 with them gone. Once they are gone and her friend/flat mate isn't around you go to leave and kiss her goodnight, escalate and see where it leads.

That's eyes opening.
I thought I needed some kind of a big excuse/a specific dynamic to stay, but actually such a low investment pretext would have made smoothly the job of staying with her and would have eliminate all the downside risk for me.
What's funny is that I indeed forgot my umbrella at her place, but since it wasn't on purpose, I didn't notice it on the moment.

I think it's a general problem with my game, I think I need to make a big risky move whereas small steps are most of the times better. I need to work on that.

I interpreted the "you can come back whenever you want" as a confirmation that something was indeed on, but not as far as an invitation to stay. But your interpretation is probably better.
I think this is because the situation seemed almost too good to be true/because of some self-sabotaging beliefs.
This is like I was enough satisfied with the small victory of having the confirmation that a flirt was going on with such a high caliber girl, instead of being hungry for the big victory of sleeping with her.

God I would have been so proud of myself if I had slept with her, but nope, something in my mind didn't believe enough that I could do it.

If you had escalated at this point you may have been successful depending on how she felt about the others seeing what was going on, it could also have failed and back fired. I think being mysterious can, sometimes, generate a lot more interest and attraction that escalating too soon, although I do agree that escalation is usually the best course but always have regard for her reputation around friends.

I ruled out esclation because I didn't understand at all the social dynamics between the people that were still present. Her reputation would have been at risk + mine too. And I think that part of what made it exciting for her and me was that all happened covertly.

I think the best line would have been to keep the same course of actions until 5:30am + the low investment pretext to get back in her apartment when the others have left.

 

[Derek da man]

What's funny is that I indeed forgot my umbrella at her place

There's an excuse to return - just need to go get it back lol.

some self-sabotaging beliefs.

Most of us have those, I still have and they do come out and haunt me, so I have to use a lot of "self talk" in my head to keep my momentum up.

And I think that part of what made it exciting for her and me was that all happened covertly.

This is probably true, nothing like "forbidden fruit" so to speak. It could result in attraction disappearing if you don't retain some "intrigue" to her so you need to give her something to think about, a bit of a "tease" text if you like. Be interested, don't be easy, you are still her prize.

small steps are most of the times better.

Absolutely and what I have found is that she will usually help you. She will give opportunities and tell you, very indirectly, what she's wanting.

I was out last Wednesday (2 days ago) at a social dance event and was chatting to a lady I've seen around previously and dance with a few times but not really spoken to a lot. It was a fairly quiet night so not a lot of people compared to the usual playful party atmosphere. She said something along the lines of it being quiet and going on in an hour or so - BOOM - I recognize this as a sign she would be interested in doing something after, so I reply " that's funny, I was thinking the same thing, a few more dances and that'll be it. Shall we go get a drink and relax somewhere for a while?" and so my night changed in an instant .

Before I was on this forum:
-my self beliefs wouldn't have let me believe she was interested,
-I would never have had the audacity to "assume attraction" even though she was giving me all the signals while dancing with her,
-I would never have recognized a time constraint from her meaning "I want you to act"
I have fellow contributors and GC articles to thank for the successes I have now.

Hind sight is a wonderful thing, but don't beat yourself up over it. Learn from it, move on and try to see the signs and make those small steps

I think you have an umbrella to go and retrieve

 

[Winston]

I think you have an umbrella to go and retrieve

The problem I see with going to retrieve it is that it will take only a few minutes to put my hands on it.

If she is interested she will probably offer me something to drink, but it will not be the same vibe than at the party. I am afraid the discussion would start akwardly, that I would have to start everything almost from scratch, and that therefore I wouldn't have the time to escalate (contrary to a proper date outside her place).

But maybe this is again self-defeating thinking.

 

[Derek da man]

But maybe this is again self-defeating thinking.

Agree.

If she is interested she will probably offer me something to drink

Absolutely - IF she is interested - again she will help you get her.

You need to agree a time with her when she doesn't have to rush off somewhere and prefereably when her flat mate is out. A phone call to chat and set this up may work better than text. I would be surprised if you needed to start again - you should hug her and kiss her on arrivall, go to kiss her on the lips if whe turns her cheek you know you need to go slower, if she kisses on the lips keep it light and let her pull away not you. Then ust see how it goes, you may need to allow her nerves to drop and relax a little - maybe 5 minutes in before moving close to kiss her again etc.

You'll both be nervous but I'm not sure you will be awkward - you sound like you're fairly socially skilled so that won't happen.