I am questioning my commitments to this girl, this angel that changed my life and shared so many magical days with me. The emotional side of me wants to hold onto her forever, stubbornly out of the love I have for her. The rational side of me wants to keep her around a bit longer while I get situated, and release her, since I don't see an ideal future with her and don't want to waste her time or have her get in the way of things I must do. Either way, it sucks.
If I give into my love, I lose much of the future I want. If I leave her, I seriously hurt her and myself, and knowing me, never fully get over it. It is this quirk about me, where I do not accept certain things. I'm still furious with myself for losing my high school crush, for instance. I understand why it happened, and don't even think we would have lasted, but not getting something I desperately wanted kills me. Losing my girlfriend would leave a deeper scar than the high school girl. Here's a girl who is exactly what I want in so many ways, and I got her and made her mine and had so many blissful times with her. I let my guard down, and heavily bonded with her, and by the time I started seeing things I wasn't okay with it was too late.
I will be so bitter if after all the magic I have felt it doesn't work. I know there are fantastic girls out there for me that are more in line with what I want, that I could love as much as my girlfriend (though honestly I don't want to fall in love like this again, it is such a huge weakness). But my emotions don't want to hear it, and the few times I have broken things off with my girlfriend after refusing to submit to something, my emotions take over and I get her back. So something has to give. Either I give up my ambitions and settle with a girl I adore but has some problems, or I take a massive hit to my psyche. I can't keep dragging her along in this purgatory of a relationship I have created. It's killing her.
I guess I want some perspective. Obviously there is no perfect girlfriend, and if/when you settle down you must learn to live with certain things (not that I am fully settling down if I stay with her, but I'm at the point where she needs more commitment per the 2 year drop). I want to know if these issues are something you would tolerate if they were part of the package of an otherwise fantastic girl you loved and had great chemistry with :
- history of anxiety/depression (seems like all girls have this at least a little bit, but maybe I am making excuses for my gf)
- low class family, and all the poor financial and otherwise decision-making that comes along with it
- incongruent sex drive (in her case low; we average a little over 7x/week, but it is always me initiating and I often meet resistance)
- obsessed with her dog (I really don't want/like pets)
- worldview differences (I am a strong atheist who has great disdain for the religious, she is a faltering yet stubborn christian)
- doesn't workout/dress up enough (she doesn't really need makeup since she is naturally beautiful, but I wish she put more effort in, and while she is slim now I don't trust anyone to stay that way who aren't physically active)
(originally posted in my journal, though wanted some input/advice so expanded and posted again here)
If I give into my love, I lose much of the future I want. If I leave her, I seriously hurt her and myself, and knowing me, never fully get over it. It is this quirk about me, where I do not accept certain things. I'm still furious with myself for losing my high school crush, for instance. I understand why it happened, and don't even think we would have lasted, but not getting something I desperately wanted kills me. Losing my girlfriend would leave a deeper scar than the high school girl. Here's a girl who is exactly what I want in so many ways, and I got her and made her mine and had so many blissful times with her. I let my guard down, and heavily bonded with her, and by the time I started seeing things I wasn't okay with it was too late.
I will be so bitter if after all the magic I have felt it doesn't work. I know there are fantastic girls out there for me that are more in line with what I want, that I could love as much as my girlfriend (though honestly I don't want to fall in love like this again, it is such a huge weakness). But my emotions don't want to hear it, and the few times I have broken things off with my girlfriend after refusing to submit to something, my emotions take over and I get her back. So something has to give. Either I give up my ambitions and settle with a girl I adore but has some problems, or I take a massive hit to my psyche. I can't keep dragging her along in this purgatory of a relationship I have created. It's killing her.
I guess I want some perspective. Obviously there is no perfect girlfriend, and if/when you settle down you must learn to live with certain things (not that I am fully settling down if I stay with her, but I'm at the point where she needs more commitment per the 2 year drop). I want to know if these issues are something you would tolerate if they were part of the package of an otherwise fantastic girl you loved and had great chemistry with :
- history of anxiety/depression (seems like all girls have this at least a little bit, but maybe I am making excuses for my gf)
- low class family, and all the poor financial and otherwise decision-making that comes along with it
- incongruent sex drive (in her case low; we average a little over 7x/week, but it is always me initiating and I often meet resistance)
- obsessed with her dog (I really don't want/like pets)
- worldview differences (I am a strong atheist who has great disdain for the religious, she is a faltering yet stubborn christian)
- doesn't workout/dress up enough (she doesn't really need makeup since she is naturally beautiful, but I wish she put more effort in, and while she is slim now I don't trust anyone to stay that way who aren't physically active)
(originally posted in my journal, though wanted some input/advice so expanded and posted again here)
