Understanding Actual Busy vs Excuses

[dasroth]

Situation: I met this girl near the end of last year and played it perfectly. By date two, she pulled over to the side of the highway on the way back from a single drink at a pub to get busy. Chemistry was perfect but I left town for a while. Stopped talking. Dated around, then earlier this year we started talking out of the blue and decided to meet for a drink.

Everything went exactly as planned, she picked me up and we had instant connection as if we didn't miss a beat for those 6 or so months. Started seeing her once a week or so, at first kept mixing in a bunch of other girls but as we got to know each other she began to seem like the perfect partner in crime. Now she's a busy person, no social media, works a couple jobs and volunteer, overall really busy but successful. Thus we only ever got to hang out once a week or so.

Even so we texted almost once a day to each other without missing a beat for a while. She had to then take off with family for a few weeks, but joked about wishing I was there etc... typical mush. When she got back we went for lunch and I asked if she wanted to be exclusive ( I know, wrong move but she gave me all the signs), she said she couldn't for reasons (main one being last ex was abusive and relationships are now scary for her) but she wasn't seeing anyone else and really wanted to go for lunch again the next day.

We hung out again, then over the weekend she got super romantic with the texts for the first time and we connected real well. Then after getting together early the following week she texted me that night on how amazing a time it was... but then completely silent until just under week later I get a blind text saying 'I'm the most amazing person she's ever met and she loves hanging out, but she's going to be super busy for the next few months and that's not fair to me.' I left it for a day then finally caved and responded a little pissed off but nothing too bad, she asks to call me and explains on the phone again how amazing everything was etc... just she has other priorities and barely has enough time to see her family and best friend, but then joked about the hickey that I accidentally left her a week ago that's still there.

Notes:
-She never misses responding to a text, just sometimes it takes 24hrs for a response.
-Each time we hung out she was very affectionate, holding hands etc...
-She remembers tons of details about me and reminds me that she does subtly
-But she virtually never makes plans with me unless I initiate.
-And I couldn't imagine a girl like that with her sex drive to see only me once a week or so tops

Main Question: Never came across this before, is this an escape excuse or would this just be genuine?

My thoughts: She really does want something, but I pushed too early so she's pushing away now but giving me a chance to slow down and become more of a catch.

PS: I have been seeing other girls since then periodically, but none are quite the same connection and I find very boring in perspective.

Any advice is good here.

 

[Sophisticated Gent]

Dasroth,

I am not going to respond to what she wants from your relationship. I am going to say you need to lead her instead of following. She doesn't initiate because she wants and expects you to. Also you need to set it up that she is chasing you. The deal with being gone with the family is a test to see if you will chase after her. If you do your done. Just tell her to have fun and I will see you when you get back. Then end the communications completely. From what I here she will chase you. Read some of Chase's articles on texting and chasing. These will help.

BDSC

 

[dasroth]

Thats two different things to do. I always lead, so should I kick back and say have fun and wait for her to initiate now ? By wait I mean move on and keep dating and if she wants to chase she can.

Or should I keep pinging her once a week or two to keep myself on the radar ?

It makes sense and I feel she's trying to tell me that too. 'Like hey boy I really like you just make it a challenge for me and you got me' sorta deal.

Thanks for the insight. Her chase is on.

 

[Sophisticated Gent]

Hang back and let her contact you first. Don't reply any faster than she did back to you. If it is a day from your last contact wait a day or longer to respond. Keep your responses short and impersonal. Don't sound needy. For example.

Her - How are you doing? I miss seeing you.
You - I am good.
Her - We should get together when I get back.
You - Call me when you get back.
Her - Ok. I can't wait to see you.
You - (no reply)

Note each time she tries to get you to admit you miss her. If you respond back that you miss her then you are chasing and lose control.

 

[dasroth]

Fair but she already went on that family trip and I passed that with flying colours. We hung out a bunch and everything went smoothly after. Then out of the blue after a number of meets which from my experience went shockly well. She's now in town but just says she's too busy for the next few months with all aforementioned excuses.|

Guess I could just basically use the same strategy regardless.

 

[ray_zorse]

Tricky one.

I reckon that she did not want an actual boyfriend, she wanted an FWB (and she might well be seeing other dudes on the side since you mentioned something about her sex drive). This stuff about relationships being difficult for her etc, waffle waffle, she's trying to say politely that she doesn't have time for a BF. But, with all the judgement society places on women who sleep around etc, it's hard for her to come right out and say she only wants no-strings sex, hence the confusion.

The other problem is I reckon when you suggested exclusivity, this came across quite needy and she's gone "hey... maybe he isn't the dominant male with heaps of options that I thought he was?"... and she's done basically exactly what GC suggests: she's taken you as FWB for the recommended timespan (usually 3mths before she starts to create drama but it depends on your frame control and many other factors) and when you started to become attached she's kindly let you go.

I honestly don't think anything can be done here, the damage is pretty much done but you'll know for next time. Firstly, read the signals... I can give an anecdote about this. There was a girl who was keen to hook up with me, but she was keen to opportunistically HOOK UP, she didn't want to DATE... so if I'd read my signals correctly I could have taken her home after a social circle hangout and fucked her, but instead I asked her for a date and that turned her right off. So, in future I'll be alert to girls who only want hookup and don't want the hassle of dating. Secondly, don't be needy! ALWAYS, ALWAYS, let her do the r/ship chasing.

If you really are keen to nail down this girl then the only way you can do it is to back right off and forget about her... and try to get your value back by flirting with lots of girls in front of her and preferably taking one home... not sure how practical this is since I don't know if you have social circles in common etc. But ehhh don't worry about it, just approach lots of girls

Ray