Unicorn Oneitis: Just Keep Hunting, or Do I Need to Address a Deeper Issue?

[metalbird]

I went through a tough experience with a girl I really liked recently that shook me up pretty good. There were really obvious and some really bad mistakes I made, and I'm not really asking about that. I understand how I messed up. What I'd like is some perspective on how "normal" this is, and what steps I should do to prevent it from happening again in the future.

The Girl

Spoiler

I meet a girl. She pursues me initially, we hit it off very strongly, and I get emotionally invested pretty fast. My buddies tell me to stay detached, keep my roster going, etc, and I'm playing it cool. By the end of our second week together, I think my deeper feelings for her were beginning to show, despite me doing my best to hide it. This chick is very much a hard target, category 3 type of Chase's Article on Hot, Sane, Single Girls Under 30... in fact, she's at the very beginning of her sexual awakening phase, but she's a unicorn, and she knows it. I have a moment of insecurity and feel like I need to confront it head on, and I tell her, basically, "I like you, but I know I need to keep seeing other people, even though I don't want to". (Big mistake, I know.) A few days later, we meet up, and she says we should just be friends, because she's not looking for anything serious, and despite what I said, I clearly am. She likes me but she doesn't want either of us to get attached.

Honestly, I was devastated. I didn't sleep at all that night, I just laid in bed, numb. I went through a really rough period for the next two weeks or so, where I was really heartbroken over this girl. I couldn't help but talk my friends' ears off about it, to the point that I'm sure, by week two, they were sick of me bringing her up. Meanwhile, I'm still going out with other girls, but they pale in comparison to the unicorn. At the same time, I'm enjoying a huge confidence and momentum boost from having just had this unicorn experience, and I'm going through the average girls like Mario who just ate a flashing star. It was a weird time.

After a couple weeks of really going through it, I've made my peace with things, and I'm feeling better. Through random chance and weird circumstances, the unicorn winds up reaching out to me again. We meet up and talk, but the conversation doesn't go well, and she winds up walking away with a lot of negative emotion. That completely killed what remaining attraction she had towards me. I didn't go through any more really intense emotions like the first time, but it was pretty frustrating. It also left me feeling bitter, tired, and a bit humiliated. I'm at a point now where I just hope I never see her again, because it will bring up a lot of negative emotion if I ever run into her.

Observations

• I had an experience very similar to this happen once before, three or four years ago. That time it was actually worse. I swore after that time that I would never let it happen again, but the fact that it happened again is very troubling to me.
• I don't always get attached because a girl pursued or approached me first, but all of the times I have gotten attached in a seemingly unhealthy way, it was with a girl who pursued me in the beginning.
• I'm used to being the initiator; it feels very special when a girl expresses interest first.
• I'm used to being the one who wants to keep it casual while the girl wants something more serious. It feels very special when the reverse happens.
• I'm used to being the one who ends things. It feels very special when the opposite is true.
• I generally get involved with women who don't feel very special to me. I've been aware of this pattern for a long time, but I don't know what to do about it. I would love to "raise my standards", but I don't having a good way of meeting higher quality women in numbers, and the ones I do encounter, tend to be (perhaps naturally) much harder to connect with, and I can rarely even get a date from them.
• It feels wrong to still be struggling with this at my age (early thirties). Like, I get the feeling a healthy, mature man would have resolved these types of issues by now, and be secure and outcome-independent, etc.

Considerations

• Fear of Abandonment: I suspect I struggle with this, but I don't really know what to do about it. Getting rejected/friendzoned by someone who seems "special" is really devastating to me; more so, it seems, than for the average person.
• Attachment Styles: I'm perfectly secure -- as long as I'm seeing women who doesn't feel that special or attractive to me, despite the fact that I might enjoy her company. As soon as girl strikes me a truly, deeply attractive, my attachment style becomes quite anxious.
• Personality Disorders: I've actually started to wonder if I might be a little cluster B. There's plenty of material on this site for spotting and avoiding cluster B women, and I've wondered over the years how much I might be dealing with something similar and just coping well or "high-functioning".
• How much of all of this is due to having a lifestyle as a member of the seduction community, and having a relatively wide range of experiences with women that give me a different perspective than the average guy?
• How much is the reverse true: Is my being drawn into the seduction community and having this wide range of experiences (ranging from satisfying to excruciating) due to unresolved issues within myself?

Possible Solutions

• Maybe the best thing to do is just keep doing what I've been doing -- improving my value as a man, meet more quality women, increase abundance mindset, and practice relationship management skills
• Maybe I would benefit from some type of dedicated therapy program, but I don't know what
• Maybe I should try microdosing with shrooms or acid, as some friends have recommended
• Maybe I should go on a trip with a full dose of shrooms or acid, with the intention of addressing this issue within myself, and possibly confronting some type of PTSD or something

Hopefully you guys can share some perspective on this for me. I'd love to hear your advice.

metalbird

 

[ulrich]

You’re overthinking this and throwing ridiculous amounts of efforts just to avoid the obvious conclusion.

Your problem is simple, you’re in scarcity.

Go out, meet more women… no one is as special as you made her to be.

Is it common to feel like you feel now?
Yes, among guys who don’t get laid.

 

[Bill]

Perhaps you suffer from limerence. I’ve heard internal family systems therapy + mdma is very good for healing attachment styles.

 

[Conquistador]

Perhaps you suffer from limerence. I’ve heard internal family systems therapy + mdma is very good for healing attachment styles.

What’s mdma stand for here? Lol

 

[DarkKnight]

Go out, meet more women… no one is as special as you made her to be.

True. Problem is this needs emotional disassociation. It is typical to go through succesful disassociation and wonder "what the fuck was I worrying about?"

But until then.. mental investment is a bitch

 

[Red]

I went through a tough experience with a girl I really liked recently that shook me up pretty good. There were really obvious and some really bad mistakes I made, and I'm not really asking about that. I understand how I messed up. What I'd like is some perspective on how "normal" this is, and what steps I should do to prevent it from happening again in the future.

The Girl

Spoiler

I meet a girl. She pursues me initially, we hit it off very strongly, and I get emotionally invested pretty fast. My buddies tell me to stay detached, keep my roster going, etc, and I'm playing it cool. By the end of our second week together, I think my deeper feelings for her were beginning to show, despite me doing my best to hide it. This chick is very much a hard target, category 3 type of Chase's Article on Hot, Sane, Single Girls Under 30... in fact, she's at the very beginning of her sexual awakening phase, but she's a unicorn, and she knows it. I have a moment of insecurity and feel like I need to confront it head on, and I tell her, basically, "I like you, but I know I need to keep seeing other people, even though I don't want to". (Big mistake, I know.) A few days later, we meet up, and she says we should just be friends, because she's not looking for anything serious, and despite what I said, I clearly am. She likes me but she doesn't want either of us to get attached.

Honestly, I was devastated. I didn't sleep at all that night, I just laid in bed, numb. I went through a really rough period for the next two weeks or so, where I was really heartbroken over this girl. I couldn't help but talk my friends' ears off about it, to the point that I'm sure, by week two, they were sick of me bringing her up. Meanwhile, I'm still going out with other girls, but they pale in comparison to the unicorn. At the same time, I'm enjoying a huge confidence and momentum boost from having just had this unicorn experience, and I'm going through the average girls like Mario who just ate a flashing star. It was a weird time.

After a couple weeks of really going through it, I've made my peace with things, and I'm feeling better. Through random chance and weird circumstances, the unicorn winds up reaching out to me again. We meet up and talk, but the conversation doesn't go well, and she winds up walking away with a lot of negative emotion. That completely killed what remaining attraction she had towards me. I didn't go through any more really intense emotions like the first time, but it was pretty frustrating. It also left me feeling bitter, tired, and a bit humiliated. I'm at a point now where I just hope I never see her again, because it will bring up a lot of negative emotion if I ever run into her.

Observations

• I had an experience very similar to this happen once before, three or four years ago. That time it was actually worse. I swore after that time that I would never let it happen again, but the fact that it happened again is very troubling to me.
• I don't always get attached because a girl pursued or approached me first, but all of the times I have gotten attached in a seemingly unhealthy way, it was with a girl who pursued me in the beginning.
• I'm used to being the initiator; it feels very special when a girl expresses interest first.
• I'm used to being the one who wants to keep it casual while the girl wants something more serious. It feels very special when the reverse happens.
• I'm used to being the one who ends things. It feels very special when the opposite is true.
• I generally get involved with women who don't feel very special to me. I've been aware of this pattern for a long time, but I don't know what to do about it. I would love to "raise my standards", but I don't having a good way of meeting higher quality women in numbers, and the ones I do encounter, tend to be (perhaps naturally) much harder to connect with, and I can rarely even get a date from them.
• It feels wrong to still be struggling with this at my age (early thirties). Like, I get the feeling a healthy, mature man would have resolved these types of issues by now, and be secure and outcome-independent, etc.

Considerations

• Fear of Abandonment: I suspect I struggle with this, but I don't really know what to do about it. Getting rejected/friendzoned by someone who seems "special" is really devastating to me; more so, it seems, than for the average person.
• Attachment Styles: I'm perfectly secure -- as long as I'm seeing women who doesn't feel that special or attractive to me, despite the fact that I might enjoy her company. As soon as girl strikes me a truly, deeply attractive, my attachment style becomes quite anxious.
• Personality Disorders: I've actually started to wonder if I might be a little cluster B. There's plenty of material on this site for spotting and avoiding cluster B women, and I've wondered over the years how much I might be dealing with something similar and just coping well or "high-functioning".
• How much of all of this is due to having a lifestyle as a member of the seduction community, and having a relatively wide range of experiences with women that give me a different perspective than the average guy?
• How much is the reverse true: Is my being drawn into the seduction community and having this wide range of experiences (ranging from satisfying to excruciating) due to unresolved issues within myself?

Possible Solutions

• Maybe the best thing to do is just keep doing what I've been doing -- improving my value as a man, meet more quality women, increase abundance mindset, and practice relationship management skills
• Maybe I would benefit from some type of dedicated therapy program, but I don't know what
• Maybe I should try microdosing with shrooms or acid, as some friends have recommended
• Maybe I should go on a trip with a full dose of shrooms or acid, with the intention of addressing this issue within myself, and possibly confronting some type of PTSD or something

Hopefully you guys can share some perspective on this for me. I'd love to hear your advice.

metalbird

Totally normal.

Cluster B doesn't get attached, they control and manipulate. You are NOT cluster B.

You may have low self-esteem. Self-esteem is more complicated than just liking oneself.

Don't let the cheesy cover fool you. This book changed my life.

Self-Esteem: A proven program of cognitive techniques f…

Self-esteem is essential for our survival. Without some…

www.goodreads.com

Also, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem is good.

Therapy if you can afford it.

Lastly, every girl poops and farts. They're just people.

 

[Chase]

@metalbird,

Looks very much like you're guilty of putting certain girls into "special girl" status.

I once (as a relative newbie, I might add) had a girl I really, really, very much liked do something similar to this to me:

A few days later, we meet up, and she says we should just be friends, because she's not looking for anything serious, and despite what I said, I clearly am. She likes me but she doesn't want either of us to get attached.

My response was not anything like this though:

Honestly, I was devastated. I didn't sleep at all that night, I just laid in bed, numb. I went through a really rough period for the next two weeks or so, where I was really heartbroken over this girl.

Instead what I did was to momentarily stress out (but not show it to the girl; just kept my stony face on), then take a step back and ask myself, "All right, what am I doing wrong, and what do I need to fix to get her?" Then I changed up my game plan and a little while later I was inside her. My buddy thought I'd never pull it off but I was confident I would, and I did.

Like you, I quickly screwed things up with her, because I was a newbtard, and a couple days after that she announced that it was just a fling and there was no way she was going to keep seeing me. Same thing again... momentary doubt on my part, kept it bottled up, went into problem solver mode, fixed the issue, very soon thereafter she was pushing for a committed LTR with me and I was the one balking.

So long as you are taking women so seriously and at face value, you are going to struggle or bomb with any girl who is top shelf for you.

Why to Never Take What Women Say at Face Value

A few hours ago I was in a girlfriend’s apartment with her and some of my girlfriend’s friends. I showered there, and when I finished my shower I left the bathroom in just a towel, then returned to dry my hair. After my girlfriend’s friends had left, she told me one of her friends had seen me...

www.girlschase.com

Girls: Silly and Cute

Don’t forward this post to any feminists. There’s a lot of animosity among men in the West toward women these days, and a lot of it, I’m quite sure, ties back to the efforts women have made to change their image. Fifty years ago in America, if you watch old television shows, women are quite...

www.girlschase.com

After a couple weeks of really going through it, I've made my peace with things, and I'm feeling better. Through random chance and weird circumstances, the unicorn winds up reaching out to me again. We meet up and talk, but the conversation doesn't go well, and she winds up walking away with a lot of negative emotion. That completely killed what remaining attraction she had towards me. I didn't go through any more really intense emotions like the first time, but it was pretty frustrating. It also left me feeling bitter, tired, and a bit humiliated. I'm at a point now where I just hope I never see her again, because it will bring up a lot of negative emotion if I ever run into her.

What are you trying to do with this girl?

Here's what I'm picking up:

• Regular Girls: mentality is likely something like "I just need to do things right to bang these girls." Focus is in the right place. Do things right, bang the girls, get them.
  
  
• GF-Caliber Girl: mentality is something like "I need to not mess up and do everything perfectly!" Become gun-shy, make a lot of dumb mistakes, anticipating rejection and overreact when you hit resistance, treating it like the end of the world.

This is a very common problem for guys. They treat girls two different ways: girls they don't care about vs. girls they do. The girls they don't care about they can get. The girls they do care about they can't.

You need to internalize that when you are with a girl you really like, you treat her the same exact way and do the same exact stuff you would with a girl you didn't really care about.

You spent a lot of time honing your A game on other girls. You don't throw it out and try your B or C game with a hotter girl just because you really want an LTR with her. You do what works, secure the lay, convert her, then if you need to change strategies after that, you can figure that out then.

Here are the rules for when you meet a girl you really like:

1. Ban yourself from thinking about her too much. Push your thoughts to other girls so you don't get oneitis.
   
   
2. Treat her exactly the same as you would any other girl. Use the game you already have that WORKS.
   
   
3. That includes moving as fast as you would with any girl. Guys tend to move slower with girls they really like. Don't do that -- you'll lose her. The guys who successfully bang THAT GIRL you really like are guys who treat her like just another girl!
   
   
4. If she gives resistance, treat it as resistance. She tells you she just wants to be friends? "Great, let's be friends!" --> then just keep escalating. She tells you she doesn't think it's working out? "Totally, we should never speak with each other again" --> then just keep escalating. You wouldn't treat some random other girl's resistance as the end of the world, time for a crisis, right? Don't do it with her either! Treat it THE SAME!
   
   
5. Get to sex. And lay the pipe down well. Pipe her good. Do it the same way you would with any girl.
   
   
6. Convert her. Treat her exactly the same post-sex that you would with any other girl. Follow your same conversion script.

All that is to say "do it exactly the same."

So long as you are treating her as "ultra special Perfect 10 unicorn dream girl future wife" you will not get her.

Some other dude who sees her as just a 7 who he merely wants to fuck once or twice and doesn't want to marry will get her instead.

She needs to be just another girl to you... even if she is not just another girl to you (but you need to treat her that way!).

Once you can do that, you can get her.

Until then, you are going to keep running into issues where you treat stuff from her like some big deal that from any other girl you would know how to handle.

Chase