FU Used Cold Approach During a Date

Proper

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Jan 23, 2021
Messages
61
Background
Went on another Bumble date on my international trip to an Asian city. She flew into the city this evening, and we were meeting at 10PM, and I have a flight out the next day at 9AM, so logistics were non-ideal to say the least. Right before this date, I was eating/drinking with a college friend, which was a really nice catchup. So I was entering this date with nil expectations, and coming off a good mood catching up with my college friend, which probably helped set me into a very "don't care, just want to have fun" social mood, which is pretty ideal for a date.

People
Her: 30 y/o Asian-American, who has lived here for 2+ years as a digital nomad freelancer, speaks the local language
Me: 30 y/o Asian-American, visiting this Asian city on vacation, does not speak the local language

Venue #1
A cocktail bar she chose right near her place. It wasn't a great frame that I was meeting her right outside her place (seems like I'm doing a lot of investment), but she did just get off a 10 hour international flight, and she was cute, and I figured I'd just grab a drink and chat a bit before I fly out myself.

She arrived there on time, and I got there a few minutes late. She greeted me with a warm smile, I think we were both surprised that the other looked better in person than over dating app photos, so the date got off to a pretty good start. We mostly talked about the touristy things I did over vacation, what I ate, and what my thoughts are of this city since I'm a first time visitor. She was fairly impressed upon hearing about all the local friends I have here who have been showing me around, despite me never having visited the place. I talked about how much I like Japanese whiskey, and she suggested we checkout this other whiskey bar, which I readily agreed to (I love bouncing locations as long as the logistics in between venues are good, bouncing gives the date some momentum).

Venue #2
We walked 3-5 minutes to a whiskey bar she recommended, sat down next to each other on a couch (this was an upgrade in closeness compared to us sitting across from each other at the previous cocktail bar). Besides us, there were 8 bar seats, filled with 4 boy-girl couples. We ordered some more drinks and chatted some more.

I was able to successfully escalate the vibe here:
- I touched her thigh/knee at high points in the conversation.
- I got her to talk about dating in this country. She revealed that she doesn't date any of the local guys. They're all super robotic, and only seem to say the bare minimum which is what they think she expects to hear. And they don't like hearing about any of her opinions, apparently they mostly like quiet/doll-like girls that fit the mold. The subtle implication throughout was that the date with me was a huge breath of fresh air
- She revealed what kind of guy she's into, and the lifestyle she wants from that relationship, and I teased her a couple times about being a gold-digger

At one point, we were talking about dating apps, and I let slip that I don't use dating apps normally back in the States, I just turned it on here because of the language barrier. She was really surprised and didn't really believe that I just meet strangers normally in real life. Coincidentally at that moment, the guy in one of the couple-pairs at the bar left to go to the bathroom. And I sort of led her to dare me to demonstrate my Cold Approach abilities. So I just walked up to the random girl at the bar, and asked her "excuse me, do you speak English?". Luckily, she actually did, and she gave a suddenly large smile. I chitchatted with the new girl for a minute or two, obviously flirting a bit, before I get a tap on the shoulder from the returning boyfriend, who said "excuse me". And then I just smiled and said goodbye to the girl, and returned to my date at the couch.

When I got back and re-engaged my date, she gave me the widest smile in the world, and was SUPER impressed. She told me that when the boyfriend returned and saw me, he looked super super annoyed/angry. We also joked about if the guy could take me or not. She said "definitely not". I explained that even if the guy was more muscular than me (which he wasn't), guys in this country "stay too much in the lane", and they could never win in a fight (painting myself in a maverick sort of light). She totally agreed and was drinking it all in. She suggested for my next international trip I visit X city instead, where I do speak the local language, and she stated "You would definitely do really really well there.

Bounce
She went to the restroom, and I did too. When I returned she had her coat on, so I asked if she was tired and she wanted to leave. She said yes, and paid the bill (I paid the tab at the first bar). I then offered to walk her home, which she agreed to, and we kept chit chatting.

Failure
At the end of the walk, she does the *hug* + "It was so great to meet you, have a wonderful flight back" thing, which wasn't great in my view, because I wanted to get invited up to her apartment. I did hug her, and then I tried to kiss her by leaning in, but she leaned back, laughed, and said "sorry no". I then non-chalantly continued the conversation, asked her to call a taxi for me, then left.

Sticking Points
I honestly thought this one was in the bag, and was fairly surprised that she wouldn't even let me kiss her (it's been like at least a year since I've been rejected for a kiss). That said I did make several mistakes (or things could have been done better that would have raised the odds):
  • Attainability - It was clear to me value wasn't a problem (good looks, showing of dominance/boldness by cold approaching another girl at the bar and not being afraid of her boyfriend), but I realize in retrospect we probably spent 65% of the time talking about me, and less deep diving her. So she probably thought I might be great, but not attainable, especially since I'm flying out this morning and I live in another country.
  • Too much of a boyfriend candidate - she was impressed by my future plans to become an author and free myself from the 9-5, the hints I gave about financial stability, the fact that I'm a musician, and all the books I read. I had ways to up my value in this date, without needing to mention these provider aspects
  • Not managing emotional peaking - Her attraction for me peaked right after I Cold Approached the other girl at the bar, and showed no fear of her returning boyfriend. But that spike quickly wore off (she was definitely tired from the flight), and I didn't properly capitalize on it.
  • Not seeding the pull - When I did go for a kiss, it was sorta unexpected for her. I should have casually pinged her more back at the bar, maybe ask about what kind of furnishing or view she has at her apartment or something.
  • Leaning in for a kiss, AFTER we already "hugged goodbye" - this was fairly awkward, and I don't blame her for leaning away and laughing. I guess all my dates in the last half year have gone back to my place before I even made the first kiss. So my "kissing-in-public" calibration is off. Things I could/should have done instead:
    • use my hand, and pull her chin towards me for the kiss. I pretty much always do this, and it creates this magnetic dominance between us, and girls usually never resist. I don't know why I didn't do this, and just leaned in towards her instead.
    • I should have proposed the escalation (e.g. ask her for a drink of water at her place) BEFORE she "hugged me goodbye".
    • I could have kissed her at a better time beforehand, when emotions were running higher, maybe while we were sitting on the couch in the second bar, or maybe at a crosswalk intersection while walking to her place.
This interaction was fairly disappointing and surprising to me. I rarely have a girl "so into me" during a date, as she was after I Cold Approached the other girl at the bar. And just as rarely have a girl reject even a kiss.

I did message her afterwards suggesting we meet up the next time she's in my city in the States, though it seems like a long-shot.
 

Chase

Chieftan
Staff member
tribal-elder
Joined
Oct 9, 2012
Messages
4,708
@Proper,

Everything was going great in this report right up until you approached the other girl. This girl had you at a bar near her place (good logistics), wanted to bounce with you (good sign), a lot of strong initial attraction. It's somewhat less good that she is leading everything, but she's also in the situation where she may be starved enough for a guy she finds attractive (which is a common thing you will see with Western or Westernized women in the East) that it's not a problem.

However, the approach on the other girl was an unnecessary wildcard you gave yourself, IMO.

Your response on returning was the nail in the coffin though:

When I got back and re-engaged my date, she gave me the widest smile in the world, and was SUPER impressed. She told me that when the boyfriend returned and saw me, he looked super super annoyed/angry. We also joked about if the guy could take me or not. She said "definitely not". I explained that even if the guy was more muscular than me (which he wasn't), guys in this country "stay too much in the lane", and they could never win in a fight (painting myself in a maverick sort of light). She totally agreed and was drinking it all in. She suggested for my next international trip I visit X city instead, where I do speak the local language, and she stated "You would definitely do really really well there.

When you got back and she was super impressed you need to play it off as if it was nothing, and go back to talking about her (i.e., get the conversation spotlight off you ASAP).

When instead you start talking about, "Yeah I could beat that guy up, even if he was jacked," and, "These local guys got nothing on me, they just stay in their lanes," and let her tell you how well you'd do picking up girls in another city, it's become too clear at that point that you're a little high on your supply and getting off on how well you did, instead of shrugging it off as something that happens all the time and making the conversation about her, or about her and you, again. You are qualifying yourself and she is qualifying you too. Wrong dynamic for seduction.

Had you handled that differently it might've led to a different outcome.

Although that said... it is still a wildcard, going up to approach another girl in front of her. Even if she's super impressed, it is still you performing for her while she watches. If you play it off on returning, that minimizes the performance/qualifying aspect of it, but it still a performance/qualification -- you did it for her benefit so she could watch. Quite a bit different than if it happened organically... e.g., she was busy on her phone, you chatted up a girl nearby, then when she hopped off her phone you said goodbye to the other girl and went back to talking to her as if nothing happened. THAT is how you want to do these sorts of demos... not doing the thing where you're obviously showing off to her.

Make it organic, make it natural, because you're just a social guy, and you'll get a different (better) result.

Chase
 

Proper

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Jan 23, 2021
Messages
61
Everything was going great in this report right up until you approached the other girl.
Wow, I'm glad I posted this, that didn't figure into my post-failure-analysis at all. it seems related to the whole Reactions vs. Results concept.

it's become too clear at that point that you're a little high on your supply
Yes, absolutely. I was so high off the reaction she gave me, that I wanted to post this field report. And I can see how that bled through to her throughout the rest of the date, and made me into a "cocky performer", rather than someone she wants to sleep with.

This, "being a flashy performer" is a totally new thing for me. I'm a fairly subdued/laid-back guy who uses a similarly subdued seduction style. So the first time I did something very "entertaining" to a girl, and her face lit up, I was inexperienced to what was actually happening. In a way, it's actually good that she rejected my escalation attempts, because otherwise I would have left this date thinking being a performer was actually a good thing.

Thanks, this analysis really helped.
 
Last edited:

Shawn

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Nov 21, 2021
Messages
272
Make it organic, make it natural, because you're just a social guy, and you'll get a different (better) result.

Chase
I read the report and when I scrolled down to answer, I wanted to say exactly this.

You've already heard it in detail from the horse's mouth but just my 2 cents: Don't ever talk about pick-up with a chic, even if she knows what you're doing. All girls like to feel special/desired and not just another number.
 
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