Verbal conflict. A manipulation happening?

[Ezio]

I design websites and the son of my father's uncle(mom side), happened to be my client. He is 53-58 years old.

He is my client since 1 year already, but in the re-design of the website that was to happen the past days, he gave me a week deadline to complete it.

In the penultimate day to the deadline, he called me by phone and told me that he has seen that i still haven't done most of the work. The reason i hadn't done this was that the last photos he provided me could not be uploaded into the website. This re-design was meant to be done months ago, but it was procastinated, due to some difficulties that happened along this process.
So, given the fact that photos were not uploading at that moment, it meant the procastination would last even longer. Even if i knew i had one more ahead of the deadline, i was not able to tell him that i could finish it in time because there was no guarantee that the uploading problem would take short to fix.

Anyways, before i could even say something about it, he exploded and screamed to me like no one of this relation to me has done before, maybe the one who could have screamed that bad to me in my life ever, would be my father. He acted like he was my father and i don't know where in the hell he thought he has that luxury of screaming to me like that.
He continued saying the harshest words to me screaming, like : "Are you mentally okay?!", "Fuck and I shit on the work you have done for me all this time!", "You had fucking 500 other photos!"(not true,of course), "You fucked up everything", "You want me to come at your house and fuck everything up?!" - then somewhere while having this conversation the phone connection dropped by itself. We did not call each other again.

Needless to say, i was shocked. I didn't counter him or stand up because i am imperturbable, where most the impertubable thing comes from my fear of conflict.

Then, later that day, at night, luckily i was able to fix the problem and managed to finish the website just in time. Then, i sent him a message that looked like this:

" Hello uncle "his name",

I want to inform you that the website has been completed within the given timeline. Not even a day later.
With this, i have completed all of my duties towards the designing of the website and the only duty for me that remains is maintaining the website hosting until the April of 2016, in which date our co-operation will end.(It was meant to last longer but after what happened i withdrew.)

I apologize for any inconvenience i might have caused you regarding the website process, but now i feel morally clean now that everything is completed and i believe that i have given my best, less or more, that is what i was able to do.

My desire was to continue our co-operation further in this aspect and other aspects, but with the recent events, i don't want to go any further, except maintaining the family rapport that we have.

I hope to find your understanding.

Goodbye"

His reply:

"Dear nephew Ezio,

Firstly i want to thank you for the contribution towards the completion of the website, which you have designed wonderfully. Firstly as well, i feel obliged to tell you that the road to success is with a lot o challenges, struggles,bitternesses but each of these, are inseperable parts of the desired success. And, once you succeed, these parts are left behind and should be forgotten, in order to start another path, a new one, which also has these parts. Without those, there is no success in life. It is a law of nature.

My dear Ezio, learn another law as well, important in the human's life, for you too, because you are young and you have your future ahead, above all, you are our nephew and we love you: There is a big difference between the raising of voice that somebody of your family does to you and that of a stranger's. The first one, no matter the moment, it comes from good will, without malicious motives which you should forget, the second one should be left in a tray, to not be taken so close to heart, but neither to forget it forever.
To the one who is your family get commited to complete the duties that you might have towards them in time and in the best way possible, to the others only as much as it is possible, as much as you benefit, and as much as you have time and space.

In the end of your message, you have asked from me an apology. I refuse this apology, because you are a dear nephew of ours, you shouldn't apologize to your uncle, just like i am not going to apologize to you for raising my voice on you, because we are family and we are one. That moment and such possible others in the future are part of the life of people who love each other and who should respect and help each other.

Even though in your last sentence you have expressed your indignation for what happened between us, me, disregarding that sentence, i say to you, as the uncle of a extremely intellegent nephew and very dear to us, that we will continue co-operating, first point, because of the rapport nephew-uncle, and the second point because we should co-operate, not only in this aspect, but in every other possible. Necessarily.

Best regards, Ezio.

I could forgive him but what stuck with me and hurts me everytime i remember is when he said: "Fuck and I shit on the work you have done for me all this time!" - when i play it inside my mind, i feel resentment towards him. He is a big businessman and he really has the capacities to help me improve my life financially. When he said that he wants to continue the co-operation with me, he meant that he is going to give me a job in his company. If he really has good motives like he is claiming, i could benefit a lot. But i am afraid that he maybe in reality will never let me benefit that much, that maybe he will give me hard times if i go to work for him at that workplace, that maybe since he has crossed the line, he wont mind to do it a second time, and other than that, the main thing he has raped my pride heavily.

My questions are: Should i accept his indirect apology(sincere or not) and forgive him?, Or do you think this is only a manipulation move? - Thus him having hidden malicious intentions, just to use me as long as i serve him and differently from that, my other question is, even if he was sincere and he has good intentions, regarding to my pride, how much is it important, how much importance should be given to the pride actually? What would you do if you were in my place and if you had these harsh words said to you?

The main question is: What do you suggest me to do next?

I'm stuck,

Ezio.

P:S: I'm sorry if it sounds irrelevant with the things that are discussed or should be discussed within the GC community, but i believe that even this could connect somehow to my overall struggles in the journey, and i might learn something from your responses that could serve the overall cause. Thanks in advance!

 

[Ezio]

That is a good thought, Drexel.

But, i would like to hear other thoughts as well, before i make a final decision about this.

 

[Lanoa]

Family or no family such behavior is unacceptable in my book. I think you let him know that while keeping it respectful.

I am with Drexel on this one: I'd wrap up my obligations to him and keep minimal contact. He can go apply his odd idea of 'tough love' elsewhere.

 

[Flames]

I think there's some cultural things here that arnt coming through clearly.

What he seems to be saying is he's family and family should neither ask for an apology or need to give an apology. That doesn't excuse his behaviour however and wether you deal with him again would be entirely personal choice. He seems also to be quite stuck in the premise that because you are younger he is also your superior.

Maybe in future dealings you could set a lower expectation and surpass it rather than set a high expectation and not meet it?

 

[Drck]

Hi Ezio,

So, given the fact that photos were not uploading at that moment, it meant the procastination would last even longer. Even if i knew i had one more ahead of the deadline, i was not able to tell him that i could finish it in time because there was no guarantee that the uploading problem would take short to fix
>>>> I would try to be more assertive, tell him something like: this is my business, you (your client) are obviously my customer and I'm doing my best to complete everything on time to keep you happy, however there are unexpected technical difficulties at this time and because of that I am unable to complete the project. I will need more time to do that, I am estimating 2 more weeks.

So basically you build a wall between you and your customer. You only tell him that you need to postpone things because of some technical difficulties. No need to say details, no need to talk about procrastination, no need to apologize. You just show him little bit, give him some reason why you need more time. That is it, don't get too involved with explanation or apologizing. At the same time you should accept the responsibility and provide a service that you promised, that is a good practice of every functioning business. You as a businessman want to remain positive. You want to build your name, and/or name of your business. You want to be professional and assertive. You don't let other people to boss you around, tell you what to do....

Another thing, the above is much easier with strangers, not with family or relatives because there is also feelings involved. So if you can, don't do any business with relatives in the future, this way you avoid the troubles at first place.


I could forgive him but what stuck with me and hurts me everytime i remember is when he said: "Fuck and I shit on the work you have done for me all this time!" - when i play it inside my mind, i feel resentment towards him. He is a big businessman and he really has the capacities to help me improve my life financially. When he said that he wants to continue the co-operation with me, he meant that he is going to give me a job in his company.
>>>> It depends what you want. He's got a possible job for you, you may need the money. He established himself as boss - he is in charge and you are below him. Which is not bad, that's how things work today, except that he wasn't respectful at all. People don't change, he sort of minimized it but it still there and it bothers you - while you don't even work for him...


questions are: Should i accept his indirect apology(sincere or not) and forgive him?, Or do you think this is only a manipulation move?
>>>> You can forgive him his behavior but NOT accept it. You don't accept people who disrespect you, not family members, not friends, not strangers and not girls either. Build a wall, set firm boundaries: This is ME and this is my business: I'm not gonna let anyone to disrespect it. Be respectful but at the same time assertive: I completed my contract on time as agreed, and I am not interested in extending it. No need to explain why, no need to apologize, no need to be hurt - just walk away while remaining cool and calm...

Business is actually quite similar to seduction - you don't chase, you don't accept disrespect, you remain in charge, and you walk away with a smile when it's not working, and there is no need to create enemies...


My other question is, even if he was sincere and he has good intentions, regarding to my pride, how much is it important, how much importance should be given to the pride actually? What would you do if you were in my place and if you had these harsh words said to you?
>>>> Similarly like in seduction, you want to have a good and solid frame in your business.

Do you drive a car? Which car do you like, the one that is expensive and breaks down every two weeks or the one that only needs oil change every X miles and is reasonable price? Look at Japanese cars such as Honda or Toyota: fuel efficient, less expensive, very reliable. They are not as comfortable Ike American cars, but I simply want the reliability and price, I don't want to be stuck on highway and wait days before they fix it... When you ask Japanese to improve fuel efficiency - they don't complain, they don't apologize, they are not finding excuses, they don't fight - they simply shut up and come up with solution next time, they come up with more fuel efficiency. So Japanese business model/frame is very good - provide excellent service or product with good price. That's a real Pride, based on real results.

I'm not saying that you should follow Japanese model of business, you might like eg expensive but luxury Mercedes or you may like European small and efficient low priced Fiat, but you should develop a solid frame upon which you build your business. Once you have that product, that's when your pride can kick in.

So it really depends on your frame, on what you really want. If you can, i.g. if you can provide good business and make enough money to support yourself, I would definitely do it - be my own boss, do what I want, don't listen to anyone, work when I want.... At the same time I would want to provide really good product or service so many customers say: I really want that and not the other products. That's the best no matter in which industry. If you can't, well you have to find good employer. Try to avoid people who are disrespectful, and try to avoid any business with family members....

 

[Ezio]

Thank you for your answers guys!

He is in a long trip and when he comes back, I will do what i decide is best, based on what you suggested me, and I will update you on how it did go.

P.S:

Flames,

There might be some cultural things that are not coming through clearly. Do you have any specific question about those?

What do you mean by a lower expectation?