Victim mentality or not?

[killerman]

Ok everyone I've got a question...basically a few weeks ago I got kicked out of a band that is now doing very well playing function gigs (and i know that without my input and existence they would NEVER have achieved the things they're now achieving) and feel that I've been stabbed in the back as the keyboardist that I brought into the band voted in kicking me out (and has also helped in making my originals band fall apart, a band that I brought him into aswell and that he called the best metal experience of his life). now im not going to delve into all the details as it would take too long but basically they didnt need to get me out as it was a stupid decision (based on the circumstances) but anyway. my mentality is that im so angry and bitter about this that it's given me the white hot determination and drive to build even better bands and be so successful with my music, women and in my life in general that it will totally eclipse anything the keyboardist has achieved or will ever achieve in music, with women or his life in general. now is this victim mentality or not? i guess the feeling of being backstabbed is but the drive to improve myself and desire to achieve incredible things isnt at all so i dont know...hope this post hasnt been too inflammatory for this forum! cheers. killerman.

 

[Thedoctor]

km,

(and has also helped in making my originals band fall apart, a band that I brought him into aswell

This may sound cold, but you 100% did this to yourself by not learning the first time. And if you don't accept responsibility in that, then yes, you're playing the victim card.

my mentality is that im so angry and bitter about this that it's given me the white hot determination and drive to build even better bands and be so successful with my music, women and in my life in general that it will totally eclipse anything the keyboardist has achieved or will ever achieve in music, with women or his life in general. now is this victim mentality or not?

I think some people may see this as positive, but I still think it's a poisonous mindset. You should do things for yourself, not to rub your accomplishments in other people's faces. It may seem satisfying at the time, but then you're letting your life determine how you feel and not the other way around. You'll always be comparing yourself to other people and never be satisfied since no matter how good you are, there is always someone better.

What happens if you don't become more successful than them? Or if you both become successful. How do you measure your accomplishments then?

Just something to think about.
-John

 

[Franco]

killerman,

I'd say this is a form of victim mentality, yes. I'm not going to assume that anyone is at fault here, but there are things to consider if somehow you found yourself getting voted out by your entire crew. Maybe what you valued and presented did not match up with what they valued and presented. While you feel that the fact that you brought someone into the band is something that should weigh heavily on the amount of value you provide to your band, maybe they decided as an executive decision that your musical ability (or maybe the direction you wanted to take the band) did not match up with what they wanted. Obviously, this is just an example, but usually when something like this happens, it's because the majority of the people you are working with put much more value on a certain aspect than you did, and you put much more value on something else that they did not. Basically, there is a value mismatch, and since you were the minority opinion, you feel like you got the shaft (which is essentially leading to the victim mentality).

I think thedoc gave you some good advice. At this point, it's best not to think at all about what they are doing and what they will do. You don't want to base your future off of their future successes/failures, and instead, you want to really think hard about why you got voted out of the band. What was it that all of THEM wanted that you were not providing. After you think about that for awhile (and from an unemotional standpoint), you need to decide whether or not there's something you need to change about you to meet those needs for future band members you might have, OR you have to decide whether or not those band members valued something that you will NEVER value, and then you need to understand that the NEXT band members you attempt to work with understand what your point of view is from the very beginning. Then you can make sure they are on board with everything you want to do.

Anyway, all that being said, it does suck, and I understand the frustration of the situation. These are the types of things that happen to you that can really make you think, however, and maybe it'll help you grow and understand "band politics" more than ever now, and you'll be much better at managing your future band (should you choose to do so).

- Franco

 

[Zoro]

I just want to say that I can relate to your experiences, since i myself am a musician who plays in bands.

I know the drama and the dysfunction that a band is...

Forget that band. If it really was your input that got them where they are, then you can do it again.

I have been in a similar situation. I once left a band because things were going in a direction that I just was not feeling at all. Despite the band being the most popular local band in my area (of the genre) and having promise to go further, I knew that I could find a band that fit my ideals and that I'd be willing to tough it out with.

Do you really want to work with some dudes that don't value you enough to stick up for you?

I make a point in ANYTHING I do, that I am on solid ground even if shit hits the fan. The old saying don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Anyway, after leaving that band I jumped around bands, most were just for fun. Then I got hit up by a real killer song writer. Holy shit, blew my mind. Hooked up with him, practiced for months and formed a band and with some dumb luck we landed a national tour with 50 dates in major cities.

It was awesome. But some drama happened on tour. And that fucked up our shot.

And then there was more drama and some of us left the band to form a new one.

Shit happens, but through it all I am calm. Smooth seas never made a great sailor.

Just get back up and do it again