Long-Term Want a Healthy Long-Term Relationship? Keep Her Guessing...

[Chase]

Just like spilling your beans on your feelings, or throwing all your cards on the table, is bad business for a pickup, so too is it a foolish idea for a relationship.

Reason: women have way more leverage in completely transparent relationships than men do.

This is because if you tell her she's the only one for you, and she tells you you're the only one for her, the intrigue's gone... but she's still getting approached by new men relatively commonly if she's halfway decent-looking. You, on the other hand, are not, and once she feels 100% certain that she's got you good, she knows you aren't meeting new women at ALL... which means she has options, and you do not.

This is a bad recipe for you retaining control of your own relationship.

Instead, the optimal thing to do in a monogamous relationship is to tell her you're monogamous... while always leaving her just a hint of doubt. This will lead to somewhat more drama, as she occasionally bursts out in suspicion of what you *might* be doing. Do not collapse and start blubbering about how faithful you are; instead, simply tell her she's being ridiculous, and don't make a big deal out of it.

You might think it sounds insane for a monogamous long term relationship, but it is much better if she has a slight (not huge, but slight) suspicion that you MAY not be entirely faithful, but usually thinks you probably are. This keeps some intrigue up, makes her continue to work to keep your interest, attraction, and affection, and causes her to continue investing in the relationship.

Paradoxically, so long as you continue meeting her relationship needs, this actually makes your relationship more secure, because it prevents her from feeling like you're too easy, getting bored, and then succumbing to the charms of some new man who possesses all the intrigue and mystery you used to when she first met you (but that then disappeared when you went all "full disclosure").

Instead, by keeping her guessing just a bit, you'll still HAVE these qualities, and so long as you continue making it a great relationship for her, she'll remain as attracted to you as she always was.

Chase

 

[Just_Dave]

Re: Want a Healthy Long-Term Relationship? Keep Her Guessing

Hey Chase,

One thing that I know also helps in maintaining a relationship along with guessing is having your own life. Many guys cling unto their girlfriends and never develop themselves. Women are amazing creatures when it comes to seeking change. A guy should never become complacent or lazy in his relationship. This is why it's absolutely crucial to maintain appearance, positive/hardworking social circle, and finding new goals. This way your girlfriend you'll have new and exciting topics to share whenever she's treating you to dinner.

Take Care,

Just Dave

 

[Chase]

Re: Want a Healthy Long-Term Relationship? Keep Her Guessing

Hey Dave,

This is why it's absolutely crucial to maintain appearance, positive/hardworking social circle, and finding new goals. This way your girlfriend you'll have new and exciting topics to share whenever she's treating you to dinner.

Absolutely - those are vital. You've got to have stuff going on, be making progress, and engaging in self-expansion. You do that, and you include her in some of it (but not all of it), and you remain an interesting, exciting, and challenging partner for her - and she remains glad to be with you (well, assuming you get the other parts of the relationship right too, of course!).

Cheers,
Chase

 

[Razzputin]

Re: Want a Healthy Long-Term Relationship? Keep Her Guessing

How to do that without, flirting other girls?

 

[Chase]

Re: Want a Healthy Long-Term Relationship? Keep Her Guessing

Razzputin-

How to do that without, flirting other girls?

Pretty hard to do without at least FLIRTING with other girls, at least on occasion. I'd recommend having at least some women you flirt with in the office, or flirting with the cute girls you meet while out and about at restaurants or clothing stores, etc. (though probably not with your girl in-tow... no need to conjure up drama unnecessarily).

You can bet your girl is flirting, at least sometimes, when she gets approached by attractive new men. If you want to keep up, it's advisable to do a little here and there yourself.

Chase

 

[lettuceprey]

Instead, the optimal thing to do in a monogamous relationship is to tell her you're monogamous... while always leaving her just a hint of doubt.

Chase

I'm dating a celebrity actress and I go out of my way to make her feel secure (very communicative about what I'm doing, reassuring her verbally, etc.) because she is already suspicious even though I have been completely faithful. She will lash out randomly, accusing me of being with another woman, when I'm not.

I have the bad boy image and am a musician, so I get where it may be coming from. I have naturally lived my sex/relationship life for so long in a similar fashion to you Chase (bad boy, aloof, low investment-high return, bedding hundreds of women, etc.) but it doesn't seem to be working in this current relationship. It turns her off and upsets her and she calls me out on it.

So, I've adapted my game to meet her needs. I reach out daily, am very caring and thoughtful with my words and actions, live my life above reproach in regards to other women, etc. Am I becoming a bitch? How do I find the balance? Will I eventually lose her with this modified behavior? What kind of creature is this woman who doesn't respond to my typical Adonis charm? Is it because of her station in life? She's not the first famous actress I've dated and I've noticed this trend, they like to get serious really fast and they are extremely jealous and they don't really put up with bullshit. Would love some insight. Cheers.

 

[Chase]

Lettuce-

I'm dating a celebrity actress and I go out of my way to make her feel secure (very communicative about what I'm doing, reassuring her verbally, etc.) because she is already suspicious even though I have been completely faithful. She will lash out randomly, accusing me of being with another woman, when I'm not.

I have the bad boy image and am a musician, so I get where it may be coming from. I have naturally lived my sex/relationship life for so long in a similar fashion to you Chase (bad boy, aloof, low investment-high return, bedding hundreds of women, etc.) but it doesn't seem to be working in this current relationship. It turns her off and upsets her and she calls me out on it.

She sounds very insecure. In my experience with actresses (none super famous, admittedly), they're not the most monogamous people. Continual paranoid suspicion of you, especially when you're not giving huge numbers of indicators that you're guilty of whatever it is you're being accused of, is usually an indication of projection - i.e., she's assuming that you are like her and do what she does (unfaithful). I'd be cautious here, and step lightly.

So, I've adapted my game to meet her needs. I reach out daily, am very caring and thoughtful with my words and actions, live my life above reproach in regards to other women, etc. Am I becoming a bitch? How do I find the balance? Will I eventually lose her with this modified behavior? What kind of creature is this woman who doesn't respond to my typical Adonis charm? Is it because of her station in life? She's not the first famous actress I've dated and I've noticed this trend, they like to get serious really fast and they are extremely jealous and they don't really put up with bullshit. Would love some insight. Cheers.

If you're giving her this much attention and she's still flipping out, could be a case of borderline personality disorder (BPD). Check this out and see if it matches up - it's not too uncommon among celebrities (makes you very charismatic and attention-seeking, but also very unstable and virtually undateable over the long-term): Symptoms of BPD. Extremely jealous, whirlwind relationships, impulsivity, idealization and devaluation - all go with the territory. I've had a few borderline people in my life, and all I can tell you is that they will make you crazy until you finally have enough of it and give them the boot.

Anyway, yes - cutting your balls off (metaphorically speaking) to try putting her mind at ease usually won't actually put her mind at ease, but WILL make YOU more emotionally dependent on her - and all the more likely to go into a tailspin when you find out she's guilty of exactly what she's been accusing YOU of all along.

Chase

 

[lettuceprey]

These are all suspicions I've had. I have no expectations for this relationship. Should be an interesting ride! Thanks for the insight. Cheers.