"What are you looking for?" interrogation - defenses that might be helpful.

[Beam]

Hey guys. I was writing this down in my journal and realized that it might help a lot of guys who might be in a similar situation to me. It helped me (amongst other things) turn a real cutie around in a phone conversation from "we're incompatible" when she found out I wasn't looking for anything serious when she was, to "I think we should meet up. Can you do tomorrrow?"

So, one of my biggest insecurities is the fact that I haven't been in a proper relationship before (had a FWB for a few months in 2017 which was the closest I've got to one because we did a lot of relationship activities together). Mainly because I was (and still am sometimes) socially retarded. Since finding this site my priorities have shifted from "I want a relationship" to " I want one eventually, but right now I'd be a pretty lousy boyfriend so maybe in a few years once I've got some more experience. And even then who knows if I'll want one then". I can't really say this truthfully to a girl, so I've had to bend the truth and get creative. But I still dread the "what are you looking for" question and the follow up questions she will throw at you because it is a red flag being in my situation.

Well, the question came up on the phone, and I'm quite proud of how I handled it so I'd like to share it with all you - hopefully you get some value out of it.

Here are the main things she (H) said and how I (M) defended myself (not necessarily truthfully but in a way that displayed high value but was also warm). The most important parts that show I'm not a heartless bastard are bolded:

H: "What are you looking for"
M: "I'm not really looking for anything serious at the moment, not for the next couple of years at least"

H: "Why not?"
M: Because I have other priorities in life that I'm working on at the moment, and I wouldn't be able to give a girl the time she deserves in a relationship"

H: *disappointed and matter of factly* Looks like we're not going to be compatible then.

I ignored this completely and kept talking to her, changing the topic of conversation. Later on in the conversation (like 15 minutes later) she brought up relationships again.

H: How long have you been on Hinge (the dating app)? What was your last relationship like?
M: More now that the bars and clubs are closed (I purposely kept things vague and didn't want to reveal how long I'd been on it. Too long and she might wonder why)
My last "relationship" was in 2017 (bent the truth here since we weren't officially in a relationship)

H: What happened? How did it end?
M: We really fell pretty hard for each other, but she wanted to move overseas eventually and I didn't, so we knew it wasn't going to last. So to prevent future heartache we broke things off. (bent the truth here again but most parts were actually true). I don't really like bending the truth this way but it works...

She said that was so sweet and that I should have stayed with her. Later on in the conversation she brought it up again:

H: This is something I just thought of. And I really want to know the answer. What happens to the girls you do see, what does your dating life actually look like?"
M: "Generally I get to know the girl, we enjoy each others company, we sleep together, but it's generally not serious because of what I said before"

H: "But you end things. How do you end things? Do you ghost them?"
M: I never ghost girls. Ghosting is a really shitty thing to do to someone. Generally things end naturally, we go our separate ways. If I want to end things I will tell the girl that upfront. And sometimes they'll tell me. (this last part is negative preselection, I probably could have left this part out completely but maybe it helped make me more attainable? I don't know)

H: "But if you enjoy each others company, why would you end things?"
M: If I'm enjoying her company I don't end things abruptly. That's silly, why would I do that? I end things abruptly if I feel we're not compatible anymore. If I'm enjoying her company I'll keep hanging out with her, as long as I can! It's only that sometimes other priorities just naturally come up and get in the way, which I don't really like. And I am upfront with her from the start about not being after anything serious right now, so she knows what to expect and doesn't get hurt.

H: "Ok, but if you really really liked her, and enjoyed her company, why let her go? Why don't you want a relationship? Why not make more effort and try for a relationship?"
M: I never said I didn't want a relationship. I honestly do. I said that I can't give a girl the time she deserves in one because of the life situation I'm in right now, but that will probably change in a few years.

That seemed good enough for her, and probably made me seem like more of a challenge and someone whom she could win over if she played her cards right . She left the conversation there and we moved on to talking about other things. Half an hour later and she was suggesting we meet up tomorrow if I was free. There were other things I did to make her want to meet up, but this was a really important one.

I hope that helps if you're like me and in a situation like this in the future.

 

[Retouch]

Thank you for sharing this one!

I‘ve read all articles about being sexual with girls on girls chase by Alek Rolstad. One of the biggest questions was, if I should tell girls what I really want. Of course, I want to have sex with them. But saying that upfront destroys all the mystery and the same way goes when you tell them you want a relationship!

Telling the truth about what you want like you did and being vague with your answers, just keeps your attainability in a good balance.
By saying you don‘t want a relationship right now but maybe in 2 years, keeps her intrigued.

Girls who shit test you about relationships, obviously see you as boyfriend material. So when you tell them you only want sex, they will soon leave you. That‘s why you don‘t want to be direct with your answer.

Best regards
Retouch

 

[Beam]

No problem man! Obviously need a bigger sample size to see how other women react to this, but looking back on it now I've unknowingly tested variations of these answers with a couple other women when I've gotten similar questions and it has been pretty successful in making them want to keep seeing me.

And welcome to the forum!

 

[ieatapples]

It's really annoying when a girl asks questions like that multiple times. I think her reasoning for doing so was genuinely because she was afraid to get hurt. In this situation, I would work on deep diving her some more about her past and what is it she's afraid of. After getting that information, I would adjust my answer accordingly to her past (as in, go the opposite direction somewhat to what she has experienced). To get that stage, you dodge her question like a politician and reframe it back on her regarding her past.

Answering honestly, like you did, will probably put you on the back foot here. I hate to say it, but sometimes you have to avoid the truth. It doesn't mean you lie, it just means you save face and keep your cards closer to your chest, revealing only what ticks her boxes.

 

[Beam]

That is a good point and you're right. I actually did that - I forgot to mention it in the original post but we did actually talk about ghosting and she told me she hardly ever gets ghosted, but one of the most recent guys she dated had ghosted her after the second date and it was new to her, and she was really confused about why someone would do that. I think when I told her I wasn't looking for anything serious it brought up memories of that guy and she wanted to make sure I wasn't going to do what he did, so I did actually address that.

Thanks for bringing it to my attention though - I did it subconsciously. I can use it consciously next time to be more efficient.