What could possibly go wrong!

[Bob-B]

Hey guys,

Newbie here! I'll give a little background on some recent tough breaks then ask for some advice. Recently moved to a new city where I don't know a soul, made a couple of friends who are all in committed long term relationships.

Decided I needed to go out on my own and make something happen and actually managed to open my mouth and talk to a few dozen new women! Had some trouble with compliance but just moved on...had a girl invite me home, albeit a little lukewarm but I went for it. Long story short ended with me not getting laid and being escorted out of the house at knifepoint by a not so happy roomate. (Couldn't help but think "man I must be doing things the hard way" lol)

I then decided to create an online dating profile (thinking this might at least help me live a little longer). After getting my "sea legs" online I started lining up dates, a couple spur of the moment, a few planned in advance. The first two invited me home after the first date (dates were much closer to her place than mine). I attempted to escalate both times, both times got cut off before I really got anywhere. The next few I just went on the date and invited them over for dinner for a second date. The first girl flaked the day of, I didn't bother even texting a reply. I simply invited the other girl over and she gladly excepted, even told me she was kicking her friends out of her place so she could come to mine!

I had the feeling I was deep in boyfriend category with this girl, our first date ended with her saying "I can't let sex mess this up yet." Regaurdless, she comes over, I offer her a drink and show her around the apt. She plops down on the couch and we get very touchy feely and start making out in a hurry. I try to escalate, she resist. Repeat 4 different times throughout the night. Never even got one article of clothing off yet she was showing and saying how interested she was. I was going all in, threw everything I had and the kitchen sink into this one to no avail.

These are just the recents in a three month spell of no success, comical in some ways, devastating to my confidence and well being in others. Am I going the right direction with these escalations/attempts or am I off the mark by a mile? Was this girl predetermined she wasn't going to sleep with me (she told me flat out she wasn't going to) or am I missing an obvious sign here? I'm lost in a no mans land of abstinence at the moment, maybe an outsider can give me the missing piece of advice to turn this around, even if it's a slap in the face I'll take it.

Good luck out there!
Bob-B

 

[NarrowJ]

Hey Bob,

I'll take a wild stab at this and say that you're probably not being sexual enough when you meet them/go on dates with them. The reason why I feel inclined to guess this is the problem is because of the fact that you're able to isolate them, but not really able to get too physical with them.

When you're overly platonic with a woman, she'll feel pretty safe around you- safe enough to invite you over to her place on a first date, for example. Being sexual with her on the date does a lot of things for you.

First and foremost, it gets her accustomed to you being sexual. For example, if you're super platonic on the date and then try and put your hand up her skirt all of the sudden, this is too large of a jump in compliance for her. I'm guessing anything involving someone trying to take a knife to you would be a result of jumping compliance too quickly. She thought you were "friendly, platonic guy", and then you start to get physical and that is a red flag. Women don't like men who try to be sneaky-snake, wearing the sheep's clothing and then once you isolate them it's "BAM! Time to get sexual now". It feels too manipulative to them.

Getting physical/sexual with a girl early on also somewhat forces to play her hand for you. You're saying, "Hey, I'm interested in you in a sexual way", and she either has to take it or leave it. If she has no interest in you sexually, but knows you're a man who goes after what he wants and will get physical with her in a hurry, she'll resist being isolated.

Another reason she would resist being isolated is if it's the first date, and she sees you as BF-material. She'll want to put the physical stuff off until date 2, 3, maybe 4 (which is what that last girl was obviously doing).

If you post some field reports, it gives us a lot more detail and we're able to better pinpoint problem areas for you. So you might try doing that, and seeing what kind of responses and direction you get. Field reports also give you a hard copy to go back and review later, so you can examine your interactions in progressive fashion (which makes it much easier to find the not-so-glaring issues that can hinder you, and also just break yourself out of bad habits).

Hope it helps

J.J.