What is the deal with lazy girls?

[mountaingoat]

I have tried to meet up with girls as friends and as more than friends quite a few times this year. With a few who I consider good friends with an establish friendship, its no problem. Sooner or later, we hang out. With a few girls in particular the past few months, they have been impossible to get out of the house. Two of them I know are loners, so maybe they are just really introverted and need to be dragged out, so to speak. The other I know is pretty social, but still is nearly impossible. Ive asked in person, by text, and by facebook and its all the same excuses and results.

One would say she was busy, and then I finally got her to go with me to an event, and she said she wanted to hang out again, and its months later and guess how many times we have seen each other since. She has reiterated a few times her interest in seeing me or doing something over the months, and I asked her out a bit after the event, and she said no, but we can be friends. I got over here and have long moved on, but still would like to hang out with people, male or female, so I have no problem being "just friends", but she literally has never made herself available. Ive given up twice (currently is the second time) and moved on.

Another girl really seemed to be into me and liked to play with me physically when we were in the same environment. It got to such ridiculousness, that I actually felt sexually harassed or close to it. I was never really into her until she started playing around. I asked her out or to get together casually and directly at least three times, and each time she had an excuse: tiredness, busy, drunk, etc.

A third girl really wanted to hang out one day, and then flaked and apologized. Fortunately, I never left my house. I met her at her work and she apologized for not getting back to me. She still seems interested, but refuses to leave her house except for work.

What gives? I try to compare them to my male friends: some are always ready to hang out, others eventually hang out, and a few are just really busy. I know for a fact two of these girls, if not all three have limited social lives and should want to be with people? Or maybe they are just really introverted and need to be cracked out of their shells? I used to be like that, now Im very proactive. Are they playing hard to get? Are they moody? Do I just always have bad timing? I have physically interacted (ie touched, hugged, whatever) all three, which would suggest a decent strength of trust and friendship, but time and again, nothing happens. Im trying to think of articles on here, but this is like between "not texting back" and "flaking". They all text back (usually) and only one ever flaked on me and that barely counts. On the other hand, they havent really had opportunities to flake.

I know there are things I messed up in my interactions with all three, but still, you would think that they would want to hang out as friends at least. What do I have to do? Do I have to go to their houses first? That may be more likely to be successful for a hangout at least, but it seems a bit unfair to not at least be able to meet halfway.

And they wonder why misogyny exists.. This wouldve upset me even more even a year ago, but now Ive positioned my emotions to not care too much, but its sooo frustrating, especially when it happened multiple times!

 

[Marty]

Mountain Goat,

My guess is that they are frustrated by your failure to escalate. You yourself say you'd be happy to have them as "just friends"; that indicates that you probably have disappointed them in the past by using up their time without making anything happen. If they really just want a friend to chat to, they can always ask another girl.

If there's a girl who was touching you like crazy, and you didn't take things forward, frankly, I'm not surprised she doesn't want to see you. She probably felt rejected—which has a far worse sting for women than for men.

And if they'll invite you to their houses, I can't imagine why any red-blooded male wouldn't accept... there you have it, a private seduction location handed to you on a silver platter. What more could you want? "Meet half way"? Are you kidding?

-Marty

 

[mountaingoat]

The thing about escalating is that at the time I didnt feel it was appropriate in the venue we were in (we saw each other regularly; Im trying to be vague so anyone who knows me wont put pieces together *paranoid* haha), so I didnt try at first. Eventually I started to escalate a bit more and started to throw my reservations under the bus, but I missed what probably was my golden opportunity. But what if there was no golden opportunity and escalation isnt possible in an adverse environment. She still made excuses! With the other girls, one I didnt think of it at the time, and that was my chance. And the last one, I couldnt escalate while she was working.

They havent invited me over, but now I am wondering if I should have invited myself over. I realize now that may have worked, but its a bit late now to do anything for these bunch.

By meet halfway, I mean like go out to a place thats in between us, so its less effort. Maybe I should have just asked her to come over, but I was concerned about her spending gas and not wanting to come. In retrospect, the compromise (in my head, not between us, which is key I suppose) ended up nowhere.

Friendzoning them makes it a easier on my feelings. I of course had no intention of us staying friends for more than an hour of being together, but to reel them in, that was how I thought of it in my head. But men and women can be friends, Chase I think even recommends it. I have good female friends who see me and vice versa. One who is really flaky and rarely hangs out, but is always happy to talk online, invited me to a concert once. So, it can only make me think that these three did have interest and I mustve disappointed. *sigh*