What should i do?

[kieran516]

Hey all,

So this was my first relationship and I was in the relationship for only a month but we knew each other a little longer. We recently went on a weekend long trip to the beach and stayed at a hotel nearby, however this week on Tuesday, we went for a meal and I had made a few mistakes, some small and some large... The mistakes are:

1. Spoke about my online dating experience - that i had gained 20 numbers, been on 8 dates, but there was no spark.
2. Spoke about the kind of lines i'd use when talking to girls (silly for this chat, throw me your number etc)
3. Suggested she'd stay over this Friday as i wanted to feel close to her as we did at the weekend during our time away... but i made her feel like it was a competition since i said my brothers girlfriend stays over every friday/saturday.
4. Lied and said my mum thought it was weird that she hadn't stayed over yet - she said this made her feel pathetic.

So... she says #3 and #4 are the reasons for splitting, however i feel more like it's #1 and #2. Anyway, this girl has some insecurity issues as i remember her saying on our first date "what if he sees me and walks away", and also she has epilepsy and i've tried helping her through everything and understanding the best i can.

Okay, well, once i found out she was upset and the reasons for being so upset... she told me:

She felt like it was a competition, she felt pathetic, she felt like just another girl (because of how i spoke about my dating experience before i met her), she came to realize that i had said some things the same to her that i had to other girls in the past before we even got into a relationship.

Now what's happened since, in the past few days:

1. She told me she can't forget and although i've apologized a lot it doesn't change what i said/did, and that she had made up her mind and to respect her decision.
2. She's removed FB relationship status
3. She's started removing posts (i know i shouldn't notice this)

Basically, i grew attached to this girl and had a great weekend away, met all her family, every other memory was great and just made the above mistakes one day which led to our relationship seemingly falling apart (she wouldn't give me a chance it seems and didn't respond to my last text message yesterday).

I've been all soppy, trying to change her mind, make things right but having no success.

I find it strange that she hadn't removed me/my parents yet from her facebook and had a conversation with my mother at one point saying "i'm sure i'll see you again", but hasn't spoken to me, ended the relationship and dismissed my apologies/attempts to meet and make it up to her...

Is there anything i can do?

Should i just accept what's happened and try to move on?

 

[ray_zorse]

I think what's happened is you've moved too fast towards relationship status without giving her space to chase you for relationship, she wasn't ready for things to get so serious so quick, and although she allowed it to happen (introducing to her family, fb contact between her and your mum etc), YOU are the man, you have to set the pace. It looked like you were anxious to tie her down and announce to the world you have a gf, which removes a lot of your value -- a man with options wouldn't do this, in fact he'd actively try to stop it from happening so he still has options.

What girls tend to do is, if the situation seems somehow out of whack or too high pressure, they create a big drama about something else, which both acts as a pressure valve (reduce the tension by making something happen even if its not what you intended) but also tests whether you are for real, i.e. do you care enough to buy into her drama or do you just shrug it off.

I get that you made mistakes, but honestly, as I write this my gf Sayuri is opposite me and we've had many such convo, it doesn't bother her cos by the time I explained my lifestyle she was chasing hard for r/ship and puzzled as to why I wasn't keen, so it was basically just explaining stuff she needed to know.

Your mistake wasn't in being honest but rather in being honest too quickly. Anyway, damn good job for taking things to this point, it sounds like a real learning experience. Next time remember that high quality dick is scarce and incredibly valuable, don't undervalue yourself by throwing yourself at her when she hasn't earned it yet. Be a little more mysterious too.

I would say the situation was recoverable had you just shrugged it off... "oh... you feel like a number... er well I'll call you 51 and three quarters from now on"... and if she continues with the drama say "sure, well I understand you're upset and that's a shame, it wasn't what I intended, anyway if you reach a point where you're willing to let this go and move past it, I will still be here... you can always call me. Okay, bye..."

I'm making this up as I go along so I might not have exactly the right nuance, but you get the idea, drama = shit test -> shrug it off and move past it in a non needy manner. Drama isn't always a shit test, for instance if you made a genuine mistake or a misunderstanding occurs, or more commonly over a clash of expectations as to what it means to be in a r/ship, in those cases it is better addressed calmly through discussion.

By apologizing you abandoned your frame, and looked incredibly needy and unattractive. NEXT. Chalk it up

Ray

 

[mb1]

In addition, perhaps get in touch with her, drop the logic for a sec and just tell her you are SORRY for the shitty feelings going on between you two and you are having trouble handling it because SHE is the ONLY girl who has been able to cause crazy feelings in YOU, and it's conflicting with your regular mode of thinking and acting.

This reverses precedent, gets her feeling special and like you actually want her specifically as a person (she's obviously low self esteem so what I would actually suggest is to just NOT get back in the relationship with a girl so insecure), plus it preserves your player image.

So if you like that setup, the point here is to then say that you want to just press pause and spend a no pressure afternoon with her. Then take her for a picnic or walk by the water etc. and deep dive exclusively to get to know and connect with her better than anyone ever. Just make her feel appreciated.

As her mood changes, start touching and flirting at this point, then escalate and fuck her nice and hard, then tell her that was never the plan but the feelings and desire for her just overtook you (if this is true and you did have a good day yourself) and you HAD to do it.

Then completely leave it up to her whether to chase you down again.

My real answer here is that this girl correctly is assuming that you're going to leave her as you get bored in short order and move on to a sexier partner. I'd say use that date yourself to very carefully get to know this girl and ask yourself truthfully if she really is what you want out of your own woman or if you're settling for now because you don't have the skill yet to get the actual girl you haven't met yet who would blow her out the water.

What do you want out of your dating life?

 

[mb1]

And absolutely do not ever try to change her mind about you.

I'd frame it like OK I totally understand that you aren't comfortable with who I am and it's FINE if you need to walk away but I just want to spend ONE afternoon and NOT talk about our relationship. Absolutely don't if you say you're not going to.

Tell her she can go home after the date. You could even say OK well I can't see us spending a ton of time together broken up but we should remain as friends so let's just take a pure afternoon as two people.

Then if you can get her feeling special, get her feeling horny.

 

[ray_zorse]

Sounds like a good plan to me. I wouldn't have thought of it like that. Although I can say that once you have made yourself into a high value man as GC teaches you to be, then platonically hanging out is very powerful, I never would have expected that, but by dropping the occasional sexual innuendo, using intense eye contact and incidental touch, plus attainability tech such as calling her at 10pm several nights per week, expressing that the times spent hanging with her are the best times, etc... I unintentionally got my ex gf Leticia chasing even harder than before, she basically dragged me home and fucked me against my wishes, see my journal haha. Anyway, DO NOT undervalue yourself by chasing. YOU ARE HIGH QUALITY DICK. Believe it, live it
Ray

 

[mb1]

And not to contradict Ray, because saying sorry really is only appropriate when you have fucked up holding your masculine frame. See #1 "whoops" and the link to getting a girlfriend back https://www.girlschase.com/content/rever ... -girls-you

Then instead do this https://www.girlschase.com/content/game- ... -you-girls

 

[ray_zorse]

I haven't actually read those articles but I can give my current thinking on what to do when you FU, I think mainly based on Chase's ebook:
1. don't use the word sorry. it is rarely appropriate. maybe your judgement was incorrect, maybe there was information you didn't know. but unless you're an asshole you probably didn't intend to hurt her.
2. say it like this: "I did not intend to XXX. I shouldn't have done that. Let me make it up to you by YYY".
3. the YYY is something like a date proposal, you will buy her an icecream etc. that is, every FU should be turned into an opportunity, an opportunity for her to further invest. this is a bit subtle, but it works b/c if she's angry (and not just brushing you off as low value / not worth getting angry about), she's already investing, you just have to channel that investment more productively.
4. if you execute this correctly it leaves her much more attracted than before -- principle of push/pull. not many guys have the nous to pull off an apology / fix a situation / handle her emotions in a socially savvy, non needy way.
cheers
Ray

 

[mb1]

Ray sounds right - no reason to use the word "sorry" and have it framed like all the other memories it will subconsciously trigger of spineless men!

Good luck