What to do when you don't feel like dating her anymore?

[Lover]

Hey guys,

The backstory
I matched with this girl on Tinder back in September. We chatted a little back and forward, and eventually she suggested to meet. We tried to set up a date most of October, but no luck. I went silent on her until December when I had more time, and we managed to set up a date before xmas break. This one went down in a cafe in the city for an hour.

I didn't text her again until my exam in mid January was over. We've been trying to meet up since, but it's all the same like when we tried to schedule a date in October. Either we would have arranged a time and place, and she would ask me an hour before the date if it was all right to make it an hour later? Unfortunately, it has never been. Or she would have to postpone a date due to changing of other plans. I mean, it happens.

we had a date scheduled for yesterday, and in the morning she texted me she had a sore throat and didn't feel like going out. But for the first time, she writes "maybe we should try next week". I sense a red flag.

My own analysis
She has voiced some resistance about going to a cafe in my town (I live just outside of the capital, but she is closer to the city). And part of that could be my own fault. One time in October when she wanted to meet an hour later, I did suggest she could always come visit me instead for a cup of tea because it was getting late. She politely declined (fair enough), and making up something about not being comfortable visiting strangers she barely knew (oh... right!). So maybe she has this in mind whenever I suggest a meet up in my town.

She's making it easy for herself to not attend a date close to my place, whether it's about the distance or my early invite. (I know these things won't matter if she was more attracted to me). I can't interpret what she wants instead. She hasn't even suggested another time and place, which makes me being the only to suggest even more of a drag. But I have a clue what she might want: set up a date closer to her, making it easy for her to travel less (we live like 25-30 minutes apart with bus). That will be a lot investment from me compared to her. While sex is never guaranteed, I feel like the odds of getting laid will be lower if we meet close to her place.

Here's the deal though
What I'm trying to get at is that I have given up on her. It has been dragging out for too long, and I have gone cold. I've met girls of her caliber with just as much effort, actually less effort in some cases. They are even living farther from me than she does, and we have gotten somewhere. It just SHOCKED me when I realized how much effort this one is taking I don't find her worth the effort. It could be my own fault it has gotten to this, and I might not have turned things around properly after my invite back then.

Where do we go from here?
What do I do in regards to texting at this point? I have never been good at handling situations like these. I can think of the following:

- Ghost her. We just stop communicating now because I feel like it's a joke at this point. It's easy to ghost. And we haven't connected that much during the date. Yet, I've never felt like ghosting anyone, not even her. I don't feel like it suits me, but of course, there's a first for everything..

- (If she asks to meet up) Tell her that I can't meet because I'm busy with studies, work, sports and shit, and "maybe next week" -instead of ignoring her like I did the last time. Let the candle go out slowly. I don't expect her to ask me again, but you never know.

- Text her (or would a phone call be more "appropriate"?) that I just don't see things moving forward, it would be crazy/weird to continue, a waste of time and wish her good luck in her dating life. "It is what it is" kind of message. Nobody's in the wrong, we are just not the match we thought.

Let me know your thoughts. Maybe I should do something entirely else?

Ajay

 

[Seppuku]

Hey,

You must be aware that things like "can we make it an hour later?", or "can I bring a friend?" or similar changes of terms at the last minute, are usually leadership tests. The right answer to the question is "No. This is not what we agreed." If you compromise with the question, then your ability to lead is questioned, and it's an open door for more abuse down the road ("I have a sore throat but we could try next week").

What you describe fits the pattern.

Now, the basis of all problems I believe is that she was not attracted enough in the first place.

Another thing, it already too forever, which is boding ill for your karma.

Now, if you don't feel like dating her anymore, then don't! It's easy.

Where do we go from here?
What do I do in regards to texting at this point? I have never been good at handling situations like these. I can think of the following:

- Ghost her. We just stop communicating now because I feel like it's a joke at this point. It's easy to ghost. And we haven't connected that much during the date. Yet, I've never felt like ghosting anyone, not even her. I don't feel like it suits me, but of course, there's a first for everything..

- (If she asks to meet up) Tell her that I can't meet because I'm busy with studies, work, sports and shit, and "maybe next week" -instead of ignoring her like I did the last time. Let the candle go out slowly. I don't expect her to ask me again, but you never know.

- Text her (or would a phone call be more "appropriate"?) that I just don't see things moving forward, it would be crazy/weird to continue, a waste of time and wish her good luck in her dating life. "It is what it is" kind of message. Nobody's in the wrong, we are just not the match we thought.

Don't do anything "appropriate". She didn't behave well with you. No need to call or tell her that you "don't see things moving forward". Why don't you return her methods back on her? You need to learn to use the infamous "I will let you know!". It's fun. In a nutshell:

Her: I have a sore throat, but maybe we can meet next week?
You: Sure. I will let you know.

Seppuku

 

[Lover]

Why don't you return her methods back on her?

Since you asked...

I sometimes get stuck in "This is not my genuine self" when it comes to women and testing GC techniques. Since my teens, I've been used to just tell girls (some of whom I had slept with) "I've met another girl, I find her cute. Sorry, but we can't meet anymore! Take care" something like that haha! Or just ended things if they became too much trouble by telling them "I don't feel like doing it anymore". So this is what I consider my "genuine self" in these situations. Accept I don't want it anymore, tell them, and meet new girls.

I know girls do the opposite almost all of the time (indirect, ambiguous creatures! ), but I feel like playing the waiting game myself is a waste of my own time. ANd now that I'm comparing her to past girls, it seems ridiculous I even gave her time of the day. We've been going on one date in the span of 6 months HAHA. It wasn't unusual to meet every other week with past girls.

But see below

You need to learn to use the infamous "I will let you know!"

I'll admit that I should get data on other techniques too and not only doing things I'm comfortable doing. This is also part of my journey to get rid of My Foolish Pride That Makes Me So Amazing I Don't Have To Meet Girls™ (and improve in life at all)

So while I'm not completely hooked on the idea of playing the waiting game, I'll just give it a shot if she reaches out to me again.

And perhaps flake on her if she arranges a time and place. Maybe I do need some lighthearted fun like this

Her: I have a sore throat, but maybe we can meet next week?
You: Sure. I will let you know.

Okay, I already texted "Well, we can try (;" before typing my original post here. Do you find this equal to "I'll let you know"?

Ajay