Long-Term What to do

[DeathCubeK]

Hi, everyone!

So...
I was with a girl for almost 12 years, we moved in together before about 2 months!
It was a great loving relationship and we were sure that we would spend our lives together!
But jobs,stress and life got in the way and i got distracted and did not fulfill her emotional needs and need for passion and excitement!
And she started to slowly push me away but i could not see what was the problem at the time!
She got close emotionally and started to fall in love with the guy from her dance class half a year ago and recently cheated on me with him and she confessed right away.
She said she shouldnt have let it get that far and that she is sorry but she cannot go back to me because of her feelings for that guy and that we grew apart..and we broke up! She appears to feel 0 love for me after all those years?!
My life turned upside down and i literally have to rebuild it from scratch!

I dont know if there is any chance of us getting back together and me getting her to love me again?...and i stopped contact with her completely!
I wonder if her feelings are true for that guy or is there any other reason she might think that it is love or could it be just some kind of rebound from dissapointment!?

I am trying to get better and i forgave her so she could find her happiness wherever it may be!
My birthday was yesterday and she sent me a message that she wishes me only the best and sent a kiss...i dont know if i should reply?
I feel bad not to say thanks at least, but do i have the right to feel bad for not replying and putting guilt on her when she crushed me completely!
Where were those wishes for all the best when she was cheating on me and didnt have the guts to tell me that she isnt happy!?

 

[Chase]

DeathCube-

No need to reply, and better if you don't to things like this.

Women will often try to keep you on the hook and around after things end as a backup plan. This can be difficult for men to deal with, since it stops a man from taking action and makes him hesitate more, and that can be death for his chances with other women. Meanwhile, a woman's capable of juggling 5 or 6 different men she's talking to and still have no problem dating and sleeping with others because there's no action for her to take; the men make offers to her, and all she's required to do is say 'yes' or 'no' and simply show up.

Women aren't being malicious here; they just haven't been men and don't realize how destructive it is to the man's life to prevent him from moving on by trying to stay in touch with him as a backup. They just know from experience that the men they keep in touch with are still waiting for them if they need them, while the ones who don't quickly move on and get girlfriends. So they think, "Hmm, better keep in touch with him so he's still around if I need him!"

Essentially, it's (accidentally) selfish behavior on the girl's part.

The healthy thing for you is no contact until you've sufficiently moved on, slept with a number more women, and had an equivalent or superior girlfriend to her. Once all that's out of the way, if you still want to get in touch with her again you can... but you won't by that point, I almost guarantee.

Chase

 

[DeathCubeK]

Hi, Chase!

Thanks for the reply!

So, I completely broke all contact with her...told her not to contact me and that I need to get my head straight and life back on track!
It's been around a month without contact and I'm getting better and I don't intend to contact her anymore!
I changed my whole view of relationship/dating things thanks to your amazing website and slowly started to go out, work out and get my whole life back on track!

Recently a girl i knew from before started to show heavy interest...I know she likes me from before but now she showed it straight up!
Actually she invited me to sleep over...now, the thing is...i didn't do nothing because she is two years older than me(33) and I
fear that it is a "trap" for long term relationship/marriage because as far as I know she does not date much and is "home" type!
I like her and she is cute but I dont want to get bogged down in another relationship so soon! I could have slept with her and then deal with it
but the thing is she is my friends sister(and he is cool with it as far as I know) and i wouldnt like to hurt her in any way!
It could escalate next time I see her which will be for the weekend...
So I would appreciate some opinions and help from you guys as how to proceed with it because i dont have enough expirience with this kind of situations!?

Thanks!!

p.s.: sorry for spelling mistakes!

 

[Chase]

DeathCube-

Recently a girl i knew from before started to show heavy interest...I know she likes me from before but now she showed it straight up!
Actually she invited me to sleep over...now, the thing is...i didn't do nothing because she is two years older than me(33) and I
fear that it is a "trap" for long term relationship/marriage because as far as I know she does not date much and is "home" type!
I like her and she is cute but I dont want to get bogged down in another relationship so soon! I could have slept with her and then deal with it
but the thing is she is my friends sister(and he is cool with it as far as I know) and i wouldnt like to hurt her in any way!
It could escalate next time I see her which will be for the weekend...
So I would appreciate some opinions and help from you guys as how to proceed with it because i dont have enough expirience with this kind of situations!?

It sounds like you really just need to make up your mind on her. Will you sleep with her or no?

Sounds like your original answer was "no", but now you're going to put yourself in another situation with her, which might also be another "no"...

I'm getting a picture of the guy who the girl makes blatant passes at, and the guy turns them all down, until the girl loses interest and moves on with her life, and then the guy realizes that she was the one for him, and chases her down like crazy, but now it's too late and she's not interested anymore. Just make sure you're not that guy.

If you're going to see her, sleep with her. Sort the rest out later. Read up on expectation management before you do:

• Relationship Expectations: Kill Some Impulsiveness and Set Some of These Instead
• Don't Hurt a Girl: The Importance of Expectations
• How to Start a Relationship with a New Girlfriend

If you are NOT going to sleep with her, cut her off and stop putting yourself in these ambiguous situations. It's only going to lead her on, and it's making you invest more, which is more likely to trigger one of those emotional cascades where you "realize" you like her as soon as she's lost interest in you and started chasing some other guy down.

Chase